Post # 1
Backdrop: Boy and I dated for over a decade. We split for reasons that no longer apply. By pure happenstance we bumped into each other and have been together ever since (we were apart for two years, and this was two years ago). The girl he dated in that time didn’t really accept his breakup (that occured 2 months prior to finding me again) and, unbeknownst to me until about a year ago, demonized me and turned a few people against us, convincing them I “stole” him from her. This includes one of his sisters which sucks.
She hasn’t really played a factor in anything except for a friend’s housewarming where both of them were invited, and she texted him to state she would be attending. We didn’t go, as he said when she’s been drinking she can be nasty.
We’ve been invited to this same friend’s wedding. His ex was invited as she’s been friends with the bride. The girls who hated me, plus his sister will be there too. I’m incredibly daunted by going to a wedding where some of the girls think I’m awful and “the other woman.” I won’t know anyone else. My boyfriend is one of those guys who really doesn’t care what other people think. He figures we know the truth and that’s all that matters. I agree, but it still doesn’t stop me from losing sleep about this wedding which is now a month away.
I’ve considered not going, but that makes it look like I have something to hide, right? And I don’t know how that would look for him. I’m trying to hide my feelings of hurt for being so mislabeled without anyone ever asking us what the real story was, but it’s tough. I’ve even considered messaging her on Facebook to meet and clear the air as I have no ill feelings towards her at all (despite the claim she spread) and would like to squash that unknown scary factor of what she’ll be like in person. But if I believed a girl “stole” my boyfriend (or rather influenced his leaving me) I wouldn’t want to see her, so…I haven’t tried.
Any words of wisdom?
(p.s. it doesn’t help that I don’t drink!)
Post # 2
beedot : Attend, look gorgeous, stay close to your bf, and be polite to everyone.
If the ex or your bf’s sister are rude, that only looks bad for them.
It may pay to have a chat to your bf beforehand, saying that you hope he won’t tolerate anyone being rude to you in his presence.
I don’t see the point in messaging or meeting the crazy ex.
Post # 3
aussiemum1248 : Your response made me giggle. Thank you. I will definitely tell him how uncomfortable this will be for me. I have hopes she will have the same plan as I know she’s living with the guy she moved on to, so hopefully that gives her confidence and tones down any potential drunken emotion. I truly hope this is me overthinking things.
Edit: I think my original intent was to let her know he didn’t cheat but…in hindsight I see that’s silly. It’s a thing I’d want to know but I can’t assume it of her.
Post # 4
Actually I think it DOES help that you don’t drink. Especially if the ex is ‘nasty’ when she drinks. Go, be swest & you will look way more reasonable and mature than her by contrast. People get smashed at weddings lol
Forget what the ex thinks, but I imagine SO’s sister would be somebody you’d like to be friends with at some point? I think your best means of achieving this is by not living up to this ex girlfriend’s description of you.
Also, don’t message the ex. I’m of the opinion that anything written in a text or email can be taken out of context and used against you.
Also it makes it look like you are actively playing a role in this girl’s drama. Which you are not doing. You’re just going to a wedding to have fun. You have no idea what the ex is saying because it’s so completely false and juvenile : )
Post # 5
megrays : 🙂 I’ve been stressing and losing sleep over this for months and you guys are making me tear up with relief haha. My friends make it sound like a big deal, as it is in my mind, so this is so, so helpful for me to read. I wish I came to this board earlier!
He and this particular sister don’t get along at all, but it would make life much easier if we could be friends. She doesn’t really maintain friendships well (surprise) and you’re right, it would be worth trying to fix things at some point. She’s just incredibly abbrasive and rude so I’m dreading that part. ie. she called me up a year ago to tell me about this little club that hates me, questioned if I’m “even still fertile” (I’m 31 now), declared my debilitating mental issues were made up (she’s taken one psych class so that qualifies her to know), and just…complete madness. She was drunk at the time, but she will never ever admit she was wrong. So that’s another mess I’m afraid, it’s just not looming on the horizon as I’m used to her hot/cold behaviour.
Wise words re: text! I had a super brief and friendly draft to meet written out and thankfully never sent it!
Post # 6
My advice: go on YouTube, recreate the absolute best makeup and hair tutorial you can, wear your best bra and walk into that wedding being the beautiful and sweet person that you are! Nothing makes jealous women more jealous than a beautiful and gracious woman! Ignore them and act as if they don’t exist, however if they start being nasty to you just take your man and leave….don’t leave him there with them for one second!
Post # 7
ilovesnickerdoodles : Admittedly I am super stressed about my appearance for perhaps the first time in my life! It doesn’t help I can’t “girl” at all haha. It might be worth the splurge for a professional “blow out” or whatever the term may be!
Post # 8
I agree with all the PPs- go there and make sure you look fine as hell (I would even get my makeup professionally done- it’s only $50 the the MAC counter- well worth it, IMO). Hold your head high and put your shoulders back and make sure you lock eyes with your man and smile intimately at him all evening.
Also – walk in there like that quote from Maya Angelou’s poem Still I Rise:
Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I’ve got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?
Go have a wonderful time and, like a PP said- make sure you and your SO have a conversation about him not leaving you alone or wandering off without you. Sometimes, alcohol can make a petty bitch feel bold.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
If it will help your confidence, get pro hair and makeup. It doesn’t need to be super fancy but if you look super elegant and classy, you’ll feel the same way!
Post # 10
It’s gonna be ok! It was a year or so ago, most people will either have forgotten what she said, gotten over it and not care, or doubted her story to begin with. Let your boyfriend know he’s not to leave your side for a second, do whatever you can to boost your confidence and go in there prepared to be super nice to everyone! There have been times myself when someone has bitched to me about someone and I meet the person expecting to dislike them… but then they’re really nice and all my pre-conceived notions go out the window.
The sister sounds nuts though, if anyone makes you uncomfortable, avoid avoid avoid! Enjoy your food, talk to your boyfriend and dance all night 🙂 unless they keep bringing the crazy to the table every event you have to go to with them will get a little bit easier.
Post # 11
Ohhh the same thing happened to me (going to a wedding of his and her mutual friends who disliked me) and it was AWESOME!! I looked my best, completely ignored her and was nice to everyone. She got hammered and could not stop staring at us, then made a fool of herself trying to dance near us, and eventually passed out in a chair. I can’t tell you how good it felt to win so wonderfully 🙂
Post # 12
Screw what she says/thinks. Go and have fun. Look your best and be cool and polite even if she does approach you. If shit turns hectic, she’ll look like the dick not you. However, you said your SO doesn’t really care what people think – I had an ex like that and he would never stick up for me and would instead just tell to ignore it and let it go. I would highly recommend talking to your SO about it and asking him to support you and back you up in case things turn nasty.
Post # 13
You have some really good advice from PPs. I will add a few bits of wisdom of my own. Firstly never let people like this take up so much space in your head, you are never as important a topic to them as you perceive yourself to be. It also appears your friends are enjoying the drama shut that down. Lastly never let a third party dictate what events you go to or who you interact with. Be yourself and if you are faced with comments like the one from your FSIL that there is a club of girls who hate you just laugh and walk away. You give power to people by engaging at their level as the saying goes if you wrestle with pigs you get dirty and the pigs like it. Enjoy the wedding and ignore the nonsense. Best wishes.
Post # 14
beedot : I’m surprised his sister doesn’t understand? You must have known her for a decade so it’s weird she would take the ex’s side? Have you not being able to explain to her? How long did he date his ex, I didn’t see this in your OP?
Sorry for all the questions, just trying to understand 🙂
I think you should go. You’ve been together overall as long as most married couples I know. If he’s the type who doesn’t care what people think then he’s needs a strong reminder to have your back at the wedding, to be aware that it’s awkward for you and to not walk off without warning.
I think you deserve to walk in as a couple and enjoy the night. You also need to establish what you’ll both do if she comes up drunk and expecting to have a ‘closure chat’ You need to be a team when it’s time to get the hell out of there!
Try to enjoy getting ready, choosing a lovely dress etc
You’ll feel super proud afterwards!
Post # 15
These replies are all so helpful! I guess I better figure out how to book these appointments (for some reason we don’t have a paper invite so I don’t know a) when the thing starts and b) how long these things take aka makeup and hair!
aprilblonde : I wouldn’t have been stressed about it had the sister not told me how hated I am. It came as a shock as I didn’t assume I was on anyone’s radar, but these girls apparently had spent a lot of time hashing out what horrible people we are for doing that to this girl. I mean, she is crazy. But I don’t doubt her words either. I will do my best to focus on the boyfriend!
Tisa85 : I think they dated for a little less than a year? He was unclear about it, but in my follow-up creeping of her Instagram (she literally had collages of his face…she was a bit obsessed) a year seems about right. As for the sister, he’s never let her in on his private life. Apparently it was news to her that we actually shared an apartment. So I guess that lack of info made her biased towards the girlfriend that actually interacted with her/could deal with her mood swings. Very very good idea re: closure chat! I don’t know if she’ll be that ballsy as she is living with a man of her own now so I hope that means she’ll be over it. I hope. These girls seem so foreign to me with how they respond to things so that unprediactability has caused the stress. Like, I never would think to demonize a girl that my ex ends up with. He clearly wouldn’t have ended up with me anyway!
Thank you all! <3