Post # 1
Im being selfish I know, but I just need to vent.
My FI’s parents and sister along with about 50 relatives are refusing to attend our wedding because we are inviting his grandparents. At this point FI just wants to cancel the big wedding and go to the courthouse because he feels like his day will be ruined without his family there. He alsi doesnt want to keep having to explain where they are to other guests. it would also change the guest list from 100 to 50, which means we couldnt meet our food minimum at the venue, and it’d look pretty empty. I understamd his points and hate what he’s going through…but….
I know how horrible this is, but I keep wanting to say that it’s my day too! I still want the reception and dj and cake and flowers. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and share a dance with me. I want to drink beer with my cousins and shake it with my bridesmaids. I know I could have all of that in a different form, but I want it the way we’re planning it. I know that things will work out and we’ll be married in the end, the most important thing. But I cant stop wanting MY wedding. ughhhhh!!!
Post # 3
In-laws can be tough, sorry to hear you guys are having a hard time 🙁 Maybe you could suggest two celebrations? The reception you’ve planned with friends and your family where you can party with your BMs and what not and then a smaller gathering with your FI’s family the next day or the day before or something. That way everyone gets to spend time with their families in this exciting time. I don’t think you’re being selfish at all! But, I think you’d also be pretty devastated if your family decided not to attend… I hope it gets all sorted and that you get the beautiful wedding you’ve been dreaming of 🙂
Post # 4
Is there any way to have a private dinner with grandparents so that his half of the family will attend?
Post # 5
really? his grandparents? sheesh!
Post # 6
@strawbs: yeah, it has to do with money and family drama. FI refuses to choose sides because he’s very close with his grandparents. kind of immature if you ask me.
Post # 7
Wow that’s crazy. It is sad that they cannot put their differences aside for one day. Geez…
Post # 8
@phishy179: I agree with you! Just because his family are behaving like children, doesn’t mean it should be spoiled for you, your family and friends, and his grandparents.
Is it possible to boost the guest list by inviting more of his friends?
Post # 9
If my family was behaving like that, I would chew them out. They are grown adults and should act like it. I’m sorry your in-laws are being so stubborn, but it is definitely your day too. Remind your FI of that and hopefully you can come to some kind of compromise.
Post # 10
@phishy179: I agree with cloverbug. I would sit them down and remind them that this is one day, having the granparents there is important to the BRIDE & GROOM and that this day is to celebrate the two of you. I think it’s sad and immature what your family is putting you through.
My Dad didn’t want his parents at our wedding and I was ok with that because I haven’t talked to them in 10 years and they have always treated my Dad poorly. But if I really wanted them there I would just tell my Dad how important it was to me and explain that it’s one day and he’ll never have to see them again.
Post # 11
@phishy179: I would find a smaller venue, maybe a winery or a local botanical garden and have a 50 person wedding. Smaller weddings can be great: they are intimate and gives you more time to mingle with guests.
Post # 12
Money stuff and family can be such a volatile situation and can bring out the worst in people.
He may have already done this, but I’m going to put it out there.
Has he sat down very calmly with his parents and sister when he isn’t mad and they aren’t mad and let them know how important it is to him that they attend? I am one to call other’s bluffs in cases like these so my convo would go something like this:
“Mom, Dad, Sis – I love you and it is so important to me that you are at my wedding. I will do this one time in my life and you are my family. I need you there. All I am asking is for everyone to put their differences aside for one day. I will keep you seated apart if necessary, but I need you there. Please do this for me. It is your choice, and I will be disappointed if you aren’t there but it your choice, and you would be missed.”
It is entirely none of my business for for 50 guests and the FILs to say they won’t attend if the g’parents attend is pretty big. That isn’t a small family squabble. Those are some tall odds. I really don’t want to ask (well, ok, I do, but I won’t as it is none of my business) but do you see them as being justified?
Post # 13
OK – I just read your other post and now understand the situation. My advice is this:
FI: “Mom, Dad, Sis – my grandparents raised me and I love them. They are being invited to the wedding. I love you and I want you there. If you choose not to come, you will be missed.”
Skip some of that other fluff I said. FI has a toxic family and was lucky enough to have wonderful grandparents. Now that I understand that it is his stepfather’s family saying they won’t attend, I say, so what?
Are there other people you would like to attend who are not on your guest list? If these people are throwing down the gauntlet, call their bluff. Take stepfather’s family off the list and invite other people you would like to have there so you meet your minimums.
I hope that helps and I hope you guys can work all of this out.
Post # 14
@hermom: FI’s “father” (man who adopted him when he married his mom when FI was 3) has run 3 businesses into the ground, has a gambling addiction, declared bankruptcy 3 times and just lost their house due to forclosure. FI’s grandparents helped his parents out but drew the line after the 3rd bankruptcy. FI is very close to his grandparents and considers them a second set of parents. This upsets his half-sister because they didn’t help his parents out when they were losing their house (which she and FI bought from the bank for them). FI’s “father” has a large family that FI’s half sister basically runs, so if she tells them not to go, they won’t.
So, are they justified? No, they’re being immature and crazy, at least in my eyes. They’re saying that the only way they can love FI is if they choose their side over his grandparents.
Post # 15
You know, when I was little my parent’s died and my aunt raised me. Whatever she said went, much like how your FSIL runs the family. Toxic aunt made sure the ENTIRE family boycotted my first wedding because she didn’t approve of it.
I can tell you the day I quit letting her run my life and drew a line in the sand regarding boundaries, things changed, or at least as much as they could. She still ran the rest of the family, but she knew she didn’t run me anymore.
Best decision I ever made. I also moved 300 miles away which helped tremendously.
What does your FI want to do?
Post # 16
Who cares if there is only 50 people? Thats more than some people know. dont let his family manipate you into cancelling your wedding. They are bullies and know you are vulnerable now because you want something from them… Their attendance. At this point however i wouldnt even want them there. Take your family and have your wedding without them. Now you have more money to spend…. Take everyone to a fancy bed and breakfast and have a good time If you think the place wont look right. The only people you need for your wedding are an officiant, a groom and a bride. Not a dysfunctional family trying to emotionally blackmail you.