Post # 1
I need some advice!
My fiance and I are getting married 5/24… and our lease runs up 6/1. Due to new rent stabilization laws in NYC, our rent is going to skyrocket (an extra $300 a month). We’d be able to deal with this increase, but we would save zero money, and feel financially stretched. We decided we need to move if this happens, but have severe limitations to where we can rent because we also have a 60lb pitbull (who is well behaved, but landlords in this area only hear “pitbull” and say no).
So my fiance brought up the idea of purchasing a home instead of renting. We have the money saved, and know we would qualify for enough to buy something in the area… but…
He is in the military, so we’d qualify for a VA loan. The catch here is that we’d have to be married for both of our incomes, work histories, and credit scores to be considered (which we’d need in order to afford anything in the NYC suburbs).
All of my bridesmaids, and another close friend suggested getting married on paper before our wedding in order to avoid a month to two month long homeless time period that we’d most likely encounter in June and July if we wait for paperwork to follow through.
Now, I understand the logic behind this. Get married on paper, find a home, and be ready to move in and avoid all of the funky time issues that we’d have if we waited. BUT, it isn’t sitting right with me. How would people feel as a guest knowing we’re already married?! We are not religious or really spiritual- to me the meaning of this ceremony on 5/24 is that we’re MARRIED at that moment. Although, waiting would mean huge headaches and possibly moving our things, and our animals, twice in a matter of months.
I want to know how you guys would feel as a guest at a wedding where this has happened, or, if you did something like this, how did you rationalize it? Help! I’m torn!
Post # 3
Oh- also – we’ve written a letter to our landlord asking for a lease extension, or a lease renewal- with a rider saying we can terminate our lease Aug 1, but they didn’t even respond. We will try again when our lease renewal comes up in a few months, but I’m not feeling optomistic about it.
Post # 4
can you not rent month to month until you get through home buying?
Post # 5
Could you move your wedding date up? Or could you move in with family for a couple of months?
Post # 6
@jasonkatie2014: Can’t you just get married on paper and not tell anyone? Just act like you are still engaged. Just don’t consider your wedding day till your actual wedding. Many people get married first in secret these days for different reasons.
Post # 7
@MsJ2theZ: I don’t think month to month is an option since our landlord completely ignored our last attempts at asking about this situation. We’ll ask again though… I just dont think they’ll be receptive. They have a horrible reputation – and month to month isn’t generally something landlords like to do in Manhattan.
@creativeplannertobee: Date is prett set…. we can’t live with my fiance’s parents (they live in a small apt) and we might be able to stay with my parents – but my relationship with my mom and sister is completely awful. I do not speak to my sister (she lives at home) and I’m only on speaking terms with my mother because my dad asked me to be. It would be an extremely miserable two or so months for us- not to mention moving twice. I’m trying to avoid it.
Post # 8
People get so up in arms about these sorts of things on here. In reality, I think it’s fine. All of your closest friends are suggesting it. I would absolutely run it by your parents because I don’t think it’s ok to actively deceive those close to you. But if nobody close to you cares, then go for it if you can rationalize it for yourself! You can think about it from a purely legal standpoint and see your wedding as a celebration of your relationship with your family and friends. I had a friend from a few years ago who got married a few weeks ago – I was catching up with a friend who was a bridesmaid, and she told me that they had been married legally for 9 months. There wasn’t even a real reason – he’s in the military but he had recently gotten back from deployment and they weren’t living on base or anything. They just decided to do it. And nobody cared!
Sometimes life happens and gets in the way of our plans. I don’t think that you should be judged or have to feel bad to make the decisions that will make your life significantly easier when tough things come up. A wedding is still a celebration of marriage regardless of the timing.
Post # 9
Don’t tell anyone and just do it, no one will think otherwise unless you tell them!
Post # 10
@juliana192: My brother and his wife also got married about 10 months before their wedding for visa related issues. Only close friends and family knew. To everyone else they were still engaged.
Post # 11
I would get married before your set wedding date and not tell anyone. If y’all are the only ones that know I feel like the actual wedding day would still be special.
Post # 12
Ahh… Well if that’s the best situation for you, to get married on paper so you can go through the home buying process, and you’re ok with that then Do it. The only people who’s opinions on doing that that really matter are your and your fiances. I definitely would have felt weird about doing it myself so I understand the hesitation but I don’t think it’a an awful thing to do like some people around here try to say
Post # 13
If you need to do it, then do it. Just don’t lie about it or hide it. Your wedding becomes a celebration of your marriage, you nix the ceremony (because it would be fake) and just have a big party. Some people would say you also cannot do a first dance, wear a wedding gown, cut the cake, etc, but, eh, i don’t see why you can’t do that in celebration of a marriage.
If you get married, you ARE MARRIED. You can’t just pretend not to be. Your guests do not want to be lied to. So don’t lie. That’s why people get upset about these things.
Not sure about rental laws in NYC, many leases automatically go month-to-month when they end if you don’t get a new lease.
Post # 14
@jasonkatie2014: Given your circumstances I honestly don’t think people would be bothered. I’m normally very anti getting married on paper then a wedding but there are a few instances where IMO it’s just not a big deal 1) military reasons 2) health related 3) housing related. I’d have zero issue if you were my friend carrying on as if you are not married until the wedding and wouldn’t be hurt to find out that you were. It’s not because you wanna do it… You kind of have to or you’ll be homeless essentially. I think people will understand.
Post # 15
@jasonkatie2014: Paper is just paper.. even if your legally married it doesnt mean you have to consider yourself married. Just think of the amount of couples who knew they were going to get engaged soon but had not yet. Did the ring really change anything? No… but it changed peoples perception. Getting legally married I feel doesnt change peoples perception as much as SEEING you get married and having you wear the shmancy dress. No one will know, and trust me no one is will be asking to see your marriage certifercate. Not saying to lie, just saying it truly wont be obvious that you are already legally married.
I am considering getting legally married prior to the wedding to avoid name change issues with my degree and liscensure (Im currently in school and will be graudating a month before our wedding).
Guests understand that in todays world its all about the paperwork and details.
Nothing with take away the specialness of your wedding day… even being legally married before the wedding.
Post # 16
@antisocialite: She can have a ceremony if she wanted. It could be a religious ceremony, or a vow renewal ceremony etc. She can do everything normal! The only difference will be no marriage license would be needed.