(Closed) Buying a house before an engagement?

posted 8 years ago in Home
Post # 3
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

We moved into a house together before getting engaged BUT, I bought it.  If one of you can afford to do it, that would be my recommendation.  I’m glad I did it, because I year later, my fiance and I split up for a year.  It all worked out in the end and we are getting married in Sept.  However, in the event that it hadn’t, it was nice to know that I wasn’t tied down with another person financially.  GEEZ, I hope this doesn’t sound bad because we had kind of a screwy situation!  I just think that, until you have that commitment, it’s better to err on the side of caution.

Post # 4
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I personally would not… I didn’t even go as far as live with my husband before we were engaged, because I wouldn’t move my life around without a commitment. I had lived for 3 years with my previous BF of 6 years, and know how difficult it is when you split and you have to move out and divide assets… I was just very glad we didn’t buy a house together because it would have been even more difficult to get a clean break (we were talking about buying).

You seem to be in a serious, committed relationship – so was I… NOt saying it won’t last, just saying that if it’s important to you to get engaged first, you should stick to this. I know it’s not easy to bring it up, because you have before, but hold on to what’s important to you.

You haven’t mentioned what was his reaction when you told him what you wanted?

My husband would talk about moving in together and I would answer that I didn’t want to have “trial” live together, that when I do move in, it would be because we’re committed to get married… well it turns out that he didn’t figure that I meant after we’re engaged until those exact words came out. He thought “committed” meant “agreeing to”… So we had a serious talk about how I saw things and how he saw things and we got engaged during that discussion…

So.. I think you should bring it up again, something like: “I saw the houses you’ve been sending, and while they look great and I think house hunting would be exciting, I’m feel like we’d be skipping an important step for me…”

Post # 5
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

We purchased a home together before we became officially engaged, but we were both very secure in our relationship. We have owned our home for almost 10 years, and we just became officially engaged last year. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, but you both have to be happy with the decision. I think you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart expressing your concerns. Relationships don’t work, unless there is very good communication on both parts. Maybe he remembers your feelings about this and is planning on a proposal.

Post # 6
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We chose to buy a house before getting engaged. We got our loans, looked at houses, made an offer, etc. Then on closing day, when we signed the final paperwork, he proposed! Now, I’m not saying this is how it’ll work out for you and you shouldn’t take the step unless you’re ready to deal with him not proposing, but its possible that it could all work out exactly right 🙂

Post # 7
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My FI and I are house haunting now we push the wedding back to find a house first, we don’t live together and said we did not want to until we got married….well we will be living together but just for a short time before we get married.

I’m in agreement with noritake22 maybe he will ask you during the house search, but you have to really let him know how you feel. That’s what my fiance did!!!

Post # 8
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I moved into his house which he owned… it was a duplex (kindda like 2units) and his sister lived and rented the other from him. After his sister moved out with her growing family we decided that we wanted to move and we wanted a house house not a unit/duplex… engagement didn’t even come to mind when the thought/idea about buying a house together, at that stage i wasn’t working and the only thing we wanted before buying a house was for be to have a full time job. so when i did get a full time job i was super excited to start looking for a house.

August 2007 we bought a house together.. both names on it. and it was June 2008 that he proposed. (we’ve been together since 2005)

I think that if you know you are in a serious relationship and you can’t see yourself ending, there is nothing to worry about… and even if you do split… just sell the house and split it half half.

At the moment i’m SOOOOOO eager to pay the house off so that we can purchase land and build… i’m so over our house now LMAO little things keep coming up that we need to fix… not spending anymore money on it to do it up… just another year (unless we win lotto) and i think it’ll be paid off and then we can build our dream home

Post # 9
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

I’m in the process of doing this right now 🙂

It sounds like you don’t want to do this right now, so I think you need to talk to your bf and explain your concerns. I know how terrible it is to pay rent and feel like you are just throwing money out each month, but maybe give yourself another year?

We both are totally comfortable with it and have been ready to buy for a long, long time. Its really a personal decision for each couple. I am totally comfortable with our relationship and don’t feel nervous about that part.

Post # 10
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i was actually in the same boat last summer.

i agreed to start “looking” at houses… (had gotten laid off) and we wanted to do our research and be smart buyers…

so we started looking in april… we looked pretty much through the end of july when we found OUR house. (1 month before he proposed).

we bought the house in his name, as my credit is SH*T! and before i financially contributed to any of it; we were engaged 🙂

i def recommend considering all of your options before “engagement” and also talking to your boyfriend about what he feels should be the plan always helps!

Post # 11
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Im 24 and on house # 2-

House # 1  I was 18 & dumb put my b/fs name on it. We broke up LUCKLY my dad paid cash & we were repaying him & he signed off no questions

a friend of mine is going thru this right now- when they bought the house i told her DO NOT put his name on it only urs ( he neva has a job) they broke up and although he hasnt paid a dime to her the 2 years they lived there he wants $$$$ to sign off. and when i say hasnt given her a dime i mean NOTHING- she even paid all his personal bills

So when i bought house #2 My then BF now FI it was only to be in MY name I put 40k down and pay 75% of bills he pays “rent” (pretty much 1/2 the utilities, no mortg or ins or prop tax)  and will continue to pay “rent” once we are married. The house’s will always be mine we want out finances kept seperate he has loans n debt and i want nothing to do with that. I work 2 jobs so I can have nice things and spend money how I want

 

Post # 12
Member
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I actually bought a house before engagement (still not engaged) by myself. I just felt it was the right time for me to do so…since we were not engaged I was very hesitant to buy a house with him…both of our parents are divorced and I guess we are a little more conservative when it comes to this stuff…I figured that this will be our starter home…when we are married and so on we will buy a house together in both of our names. For me, buying a house before being engaged or married is a no-no.

Post # 13
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

Whether you are engaged or not really doesn’t make a difference on the financial end.  I bought a house, with my SO, before engagement.  Only I was on the title, and although we had a few bumps in the road, it worked out in the end.  I bought it initially alone because I have better credit.  However, his credit is better now and we will be refinancing together.  If you are both on the mortgage, then it will rely on both of your incomes and credit history.  It would be the same whether or not you were engaged.  I think if you are uncomfortable about it, then see if he can buy the house in his name alone, or if you can afford it, see about buying the house in your name alone.  You can always refinance later.  Plus, I think when you get married, depending on the laws where you live, it becomes joint property regardless of whose name it is titled. I guess the final decision really rests upon who can afford the house, alone or together, and how your credit is.

Post # 14
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i personally would not buy a house before engaged. my dad is an avid judge judy watcher and has seen what happens, and he would kill me. i was even a little weirded out by just moving in because that takes a lot of work if you break up. changing the address, finding all of your crap that is mixed in with his. but if there was a house you share together, it’s way more complicated.

Post # 15
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think the fact that you’re unsure about it should be the deal breaker here.  If you’re both on the same page whole heartedly, then I’m sure it can work for some couples, but it’s a huge financial decision to make when you’re unsure.  I think it’s crucial to be in agreement about whether you’ll be gettting engaged soon (before you close on a hosue), soon after you move in together, or if it’s way off on the horizon, or if it’s even a certainty. If you buy a place together assuming he’ll be proposing soon, but time ticks by and he doesn’t…  Everybody knows, the waiting part is hugely gut wrenching by itself, and when it’s not just “omg what if we break up” but “omg what if we break up and I still have to pay this mortgage, and can I afford to get a new place, and we still have to live together like some romantic comedy from hell?” it would just make things even worse.  If you don’t want to buy a house together til you’re engaged, that’s perfectly reasonable and you should stand firm.

Post # 16
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree you need to be 100% sure. You sound like you are not. If you initially knew you didn’t want to unless you are engaged; then you need to stick to that. Those were my guidlines. I told my BF (now FI) that I would not feel compfortable with buying a house together until I had a commitment. I didn’t make him feel like he had to do it right away; I just made him aware that I would not be looking at houses until after we were engaged. It’s just such a HUGE adjustment to live with someone. There are soo many things you will fight about right away and it just seems like until your ready to have that “commitment” on the line; it’s just too easy to walk away and leave someone high and dry.

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