Post # 1
I am just at the end of my rope. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Got engaged last year. Was planning a wonderful destination. And out of the blue FI turned into a monster.
All that comes out of his mouth is harsh words towards me. I have been the perfect maid for him: cooking, cleaning, packing up lunches, giving him BJ all the times (sorry for saying that)…
But what else do I do? What is going on? I just don’t know.
Yesterday i had a breakdown. I cried and begged for him to say something. All he could say was: i just checked out.
I told him he is pushing me away and he should not have proposed to me if he didn’t want to marry me.
And all he could say was : Go to bed.
I told him if he doesn’t want to marry me he can just say it and I will leave. That he doesn’t have to make me suffer this way but it is like he has transformed into a monster.
I don’t recognize the loving BF I had. It is just not him. I don’t know what happened and he is not telling either. But the thing is that he gets weird after talking to his crazy mother (yes, she is really crazy). I don’t know what she is saying to him, but I suspect this has to do with her.
They are super close and when we were dating she used to talk to me all the time and after we got engaged the only time we talked she said: it is hard to see my boy leave.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I need your advice. Talking to him doesn’t fix anything. He doesn’t want to talk.
Post # 3
Wow. I’m so sorry to say but he sounds like someone with a possibly serious personality disorder the way you’ve described him, the Jekyll-Hyde thing. I’ve been there. RUN. He will never turn back into the cuddly, loving BF you had before. Because that was not the real him. This is. Or, all of this said, I could be wrong, I know. But something about your post sends shivers down my spine. You might be in for a life of pure hell if you stay with him. I would say get out as soon as you can gather the strength to leave. And then, guess what, he’ll TEMPORARILY change back into an angel to con you back. It’s a pattern of abuse. Start reading about “narcissistic personality disorder” and see if any of the descriptions are applicable to your case. Please take care of yourself first. Love does NOT HURT!!!!
Post # 4
I would ask for a break to see if things change, go away for a weekend or so without picking up your phone, texts, etc. Sometimes it is the crazy mom!
Post # 5
I agree with PP… this person has a lot of work to do on himself before he will be anywhere near ready to be commited to someone else. He is emotionally and mentally abusing you, and you deserve better. Pack yo’ shit girl- get out !
Post # 6
I don’t know what to say. Sounds like you and your FI really need to communicate. Get counseling. Maybe his mom is influencing him. Don’t know. Don’t call it off, until you get counseling.
Post # 7
Life rule #1: Never enter a marriage unless you are 100% certain that your FI is a good, kind, loving, empathetic person.
Post # 8
I would leave. Your FI should love you for who you are and you shouldn’t have to be perfect. Also, you relationship should be fun. At least to some degree. This just sounds miserable.
Post # 9
@sad-bride: Yesterday i had a breakdown. I cried and begged for him to say something. All he could say was: i just checked out.
It sounds like he’s saying he’s done and he’s pushing you away and trying to make you be the one to decide to end it cause for wahtever reason he doesnt want to do it himself. He’s not showing he cares or wants to work on a relationship and outright telling you he’s ‘checked out’, why waste another second of your time.
Post # 10
I think maybe you could try taking a mini vacation to relax and forget about everyone for a couple days, maybe a long weekend. Tell him about it, that you feel that both of you might be a bit stressed with work/wedding stuff/whatever and you think it would be good to take some time just for yourselves, the two of you together.
i don’t think you should call it off immediately or anything like that. sometimes stress is tough on people and relationships, if you love the guy, fight to make it work.
Post # 11
@raspberrymacaron: Under normal circumstances I would agree with your advice, but in this case it sounds as though he is treating her very coldly and cruelly. And it started after the engagement. It sounds like such a typical abuser/narcissist thing to do. But, if he would agree to what you are saying, take a break, maybe it would work. However, I cannot imagine under any circumstances, EVER, my FI ignoring me if I were crying, and he would never make me beg just to get him to talk to me. She sounds in excruciating pain – I have been through something like that in the past. My ex-husband was very abusive; but at first he was a wonderful, romantic angel. Until after he had me completely under his control. And then, like OP is describing, he turned into a complete monster. The “angel” was a mask, the “monster” was his true self. The only thing you can do in a case like that is walk away, and pray he doesn’t follow.
Post # 12
@sad-bride: I told him if he doesn’t want to marry me he can just say it and I will leave.
Why are you letting him decide what you should do with your life? You sound pretty unhappy to me – I think your options are for both of you to get counseling and see if this is something you’re willing to work through……or leave.
Post # 13
This reminds me of my ex – He was a totally different person once that ring went on my finger. A total Jekyl & Hyde. Anyway, I tried and tried to make it work and it just got worse and worse. OP, you can’t make someone love you, and you deserve much better. For a man to look at you and say they have “checked out” well, that’s just not a good sign.
You deserve better.
Post # 14
@pinkshoes: You took the words out of my mouth! It sounds like he’s trying to get you to break up with him and absolve him of having to do it himself.
Post # 15
Thank you for your advice. I am really in excrutiating emotional pain. I cried so much yesterday that my eyes are half open today. i just didn’t call in sick because I ahd an important meeting at 9:00 am. of course everybody is asking me if I am ok and I had to make up an excuse about my contacts. I want to leave but i don’t have any place to go. I don’t want to go home and look at him and have his cold eyes on me but I honestly don’t have any family here and my close friend just moved away…
Post # 16
Can you afford to get a hotel for the weekend? Maybe if the two of you have some space and time to think, you can figure out what’s best for you. I don’t want to advocate breaking up with him, but if he isn’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated, you need to move on.