Post # 1
Hi everyone… I have never posted a blog in my life!
I have dated my fiance for several years and we recently became engaged. I have always had doubts about whether or not he was “the one”, even though I don’t know if I even believe in “the one” deep down. But, I have never been happy having these doubts and have prayed, journaled, gone to counseling, to try to get them to go away, but I have never felt 100%. I am always worried on some level that I am making a wrong choice or settling somehow. For some background information, I grew up with a difficult relationship with my mother, and she passed away several years ago. She always made me feel like no one was good enough for her precious, awesome little girl – me! No one was ever good enough for me, according to her. I wonder if this is contributing to my doubts/fears of settling. She also becamse sick and died of cancer a few years ago while I was in college. She did not approve of my fiance even though she had never met him. I often wonder if these play into my doubts too.
Before we got engaged, my now-fiance was always begging me to marry him and I always would reply that I wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t sure yet. But, he popped the question and after a morning/afternoon of crying and being scared, but happy at the same time, I said yes. Before our engagement I would describe my fiance as steadfast, loyal, trustworthy, my best friend, kind, absolutely adoring and loving….but since we got engaged, it is like a switch has flipped!! He has bailed on my for important occasions, spent a large sum of money that was intended to be a gift to the TWO OF US from his parents without telling me in advance, is putting me at the bottom of his priority list, is defensive, and is not helping hardly at all with wedding plans even though without my mom I am basically planning it alone. When I confront him about these changes he gets extremely defensive (new trait for him) and acts like he is only acting that way because of things I am doing wrong.
This is all so uncharacteristic of him and since I was already unsure before we got engaged, this new behavior is pushing me to the point of wondering if I should call the whole thing off?? I don’t know whether I should attribute this to wedding planning stress, change of our relationship, me grieving my mother’s death and the fact that she won’t be at my wedding, or if we are not meant to be together? Any advice?
Post # 3
Is there a rush to get married?
I would postpone, and avoid rushing into anything if your are unsure!
I’m sorry your going through this. Wedding planning and the time surrounding it is definately fursterating and you will question your sanity! But having doubts about the character of your future mate is a red flag.
Hang in there!
Post # 4
Wow, this is a major decision. From reading your post it seems like it’s something you’ve been thinking about for a while and have possibly made your mind up already? Maybe I’m just reading into it though. What I would suggest if you are still not sure what you want to do is to go to counseling (maybe pre-marrital) together. This way you will have an unbiased opinion about your relationship. I’m not sure I’d go in letting them know what your’e thinking, but let them get a sense of your relationship and then talk to them about it. Another thing I’d suggest is talk to your FI about it. Does he know you’re feeling this way? Have you talked to him about these changes openly, when he isn’t being defensive? I’m not sure what kind of things are going on in your life, but maybe he’s going through something that he hasn’t told you about and once you talk about it, he’ll open up to you.
These are all just suggestions from a fellow bee far away, but hopefully they’re helpful!
Post # 5
At the very least I would postpone the wedding – you’re going to live with this guy for the rest of your life!
Post # 6
*HUG* I’m so sorry to hear you’re shouldering so much of this by yourself. I think it’s wise that you’re really taking the time to work/pray through your feelings instead of ignoring them.
I’m going to be honest and say that your FI’s sudden change in behavior may be cause for concern. Sometimes, people work really hard to project an ideal image of themselves, and once they get what they want and feel that things are “locked in”, their true colors come out. I don’t know you two, so this is just speculation. But don’t ignore your gut feelings.
If you’re having doubts even after actively working through them, then I think it may be a good idea to just take a step back and even postpone the wedding. It doesn’t sound as if you’re having unrealistic expectations for this man, and in my experience, that feeling of “I’m settling” doesn’t go away. I’ll also say that I am now a firm believer in “When you know, you know.” If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this man, it should feel like you’re the most blessed girl in the world. If you’re not completely at peace about it, take your time. Praying for you!
Post # 7
@quillbee: Totally agree with you!! “When you know, you know” is so true! I definitely had doubts about an 8 year relationship I was in! Once that ended and I met my FI, I KNEW he was the one from the get go. Good advice!
Post # 8
I would like to ask you some questions before I respond. However, this isn’t the best format for me to do that. I am wondering if you are at an age where you’re feeling some pressure to get married. I’m wondering if you trust this man or if you have some fear of him. I’m wondering if he is manipulating you into making you feel as if everything that isn’t going smoothly is your fault (which you pretty much said outright in your post.)
Based on everything you’ve said, and everything that’s going through my mind as I read it, I do not think you should try to talk yourself into marrying this man. It seems to me that your gut is telling you that you do not want to do this, but your head is trying to convince your gut that it’s wrong.
I know it is never easy to be in this position. I canceled a wedding once, so I know how hard it is.
Post # 9
It sounds like her FI is rushing her to get married.
OP, I think you should take some time to yourself to think about your relationship. It sounds like it may not be right for you. Although you may be afraid to rock the boat now, it’s better to address these feelings than to marry him when you’re unsure.
Post # 10
Everyone, thank you for your kind words! I can honestly say that we have worked through that rough patch and I am extremely happy with our relationship. It took a few months of being engaged to slip back into our old routine, the normal him, the normal me…we talked and talked a lot about things and he had been feeling the stressors and pressures of the commitment of marriage and was acting out in ways not normal for him. We have such an awesome relationship that I was just so thrown by the change in it during the first few months of our engagement, that’s why I wrote the post. I am not one of those girls who tries to convince herself to marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons. And my man is not manipulative at all. The first few months of engagement I was so unstable because I was dealing with the fact that my mom would not be at my wedding, and that she never met my fiance. I almost feel like I want to apologize to my fiance for even writing this initial post because he is so sweet and has my best interests at heart, and I feel that I skewed that initial post because I was having a very hard time. I have dealt with feelings of insecurity that were rooted in my mom’s disapproval and feelings that no one was good enough for me. I have come to realize that it is ok to have doubts, and it is not always “when you know, you know” for everyone. There are a lot of different circumstances and each should be treated accordingly. A lot of my insecurities about the relationship were based upon trivial things. We have a happy, loving relationship, that our family and friends adore. Anyway, I just wanted to follow up with everyone. Thank you for all of your advice!
Post # 11
@trustingbride: Thank you for writing this. I am not engaged, but most of the time I think I am ready to be. The “most of the time” is why I want to thank you– for saying that is not ALWAYS “when you know, you know.” Because that is how it was for my SO and me at first, but I have had some doubts about our relationship recently, and am just starting to come out of them. It really helps to hear what you had to say, and when you went through.
I am so glad that you two worked everything out!
Post # 12
@Creiddylad: Thank you! If you are feeling unsure, I really recommend two books to you. If you are a Christian, the first is called The Yes Anxiety. It is a great book and really helps you deal with doubts and discovering if they are legitimate or not. I also recommend listening to Sharon Paul, or reading The Conscious Bride. Both helped me realize that if you are in a loving, committed relationship and have the same important values, sometimes anxieties/doubts should not be taken seriously, and sometimes they are just a normal part of facing a huge commitment 🙂
Post # 13
@trustingbride: Ooh, nice, thank you. I’m not religious, so perhaps I’ll pick The Conscious Bride. Hmm, though, I’ll have to keep it hidden from my SO somehow– that’s the kind of thing that would weird him out. 🙂 But let’s see if I can buy it right now!