(Closed) call it off?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Is there a rush to get married?

I would postpone, and avoid rushing into anything if your are unsure!

I’m sorry your going through this. Wedding planning and the time surrounding it is definately fursterating and you will question your sanity! But having doubts about the character of your future mate is a red flag.

Hang in there!

Post # 4
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow, this is a major decision. From reading your post it seems like it’s something you’ve been thinking about for a while and have possibly made your mind up already? Maybe I’m just reading into it though. What I would suggest if you are still not sure what you want to do is to go to counseling (maybe pre-marrital) together. This way you will have an unbiased opinion about your relationship. I’m not sure I’d go in letting them know what your’e thinking, but let them get a sense of your relationship and then talk to them about it. Another thing I’d suggest is talk to your FI about it. Does he know you’re feeling this way? Have you talked to him about these changes openly, when he isn’t being defensive? I’m not sure what kind of things are going on in your life, but maybe he’s going through something that he hasn’t told you about and once you talk about it, he’ll open up to you.

These are all just suggestions from a fellow bee far away, but hopefully they’re helpful!

Post # 5
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

At the very least I would postpone the wedding – you’re going to live with this guy for the rest of your life!

Post # 6
Member
26 posts
Newbee

*HUG* I’m so sorry to hear you’re shouldering so much of this by yourself.  I think it’s wise that you’re really taking the time to work/pray through your feelings instead of ignoring them. 

I’m going to be honest and say that your FI’s sudden change in behavior may be cause for concern.  Sometimes, people work really hard to project an ideal image of themselves, and once they get what they want and feel that things are “locked in”, their true colors come out.  I don’t know you two, so this is just speculation.  But don’t ignore your gut feelings.

If you’re having doubts even after actively working through them, then I think it may be a good idea to just take a step back and even postpone the wedding.  It doesn’t sound as if you’re having unrealistic expectations for this man, and in my experience, that feeling of “I’m settling” doesn’t go away.  I’ll also say that I am now a firm believer in “When you know, you know.”  If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this man, it should feel like you’re the most blessed girl in the world.  If you’re not completely at peace about it, take your time.  Praying for you!

Post # 7
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@quillbee:  Totally agree with you!! “When you know, you know” is so true! I definitely had doubts about an 8 year relationship I was in! Once that ended and I met my FI, I KNEW he was the one from the get go. Good advice!

Post # 8
Member
11353 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I would like to ask you some questions before I respond.  However, this isn’t the best format for me to do that.  I am wondering if you are at an age where you’re feeling some pressure to get married.  I’m wondering if you trust this man or if you have some fear of him. I’m wondering if he is manipulating you into making you feel as if everything that isn’t going smoothly is your fault (which you pretty much said outright in your post.)

Based on everything you’ve said, and everything that’s going through my mind as I read it, I do not think you should try to talk yourself into marrying this man.  It seems to me that your gut is telling you that you do not want to do this, but your head is trying to convince your gut that it’s wrong.

I know it is never easy to be in this position. I canceled a wedding once, so I know how hard it is.

HUGS.

Post # 9
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It sounds like her FI is rushing her to get married. 

OP, I think you should take some time to yourself to think about your relationship. It sounds like it may not be right for you. Although you may be afraid to rock the boat now, it’s better to address these feelings than to marry him when you’re unsure. 

Post # 11
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@trustingbride:  Thank you for writing this. I am not engaged, but most of the time I think I am ready to be. The “most of the time” is why I want to thank you– for saying that is not ALWAYS “when you know, you know.” Because that is how it was for my SO and me at first, but I have had some doubts about our relationship recently, and am just starting to come out of them. It really helps to hear what you had to say, and when you went through.

I am so glad that you two worked everything out!

Post # 13
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@trustingbride:  Ooh, nice, thank you. I’m not religious, so perhaps I’ll pick The Conscious Bride. Hmm, though, I’ll have to keep it hidden from my SO somehow– that’s the kind of thing that would weird him out. 🙂 But let’s see if I can buy it right now!

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