Post # 1
My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and we got engaged June of 2012. We are very in love, and the last 4 years have been amazing. Our relationship is healthy, supportive and the love between us is undeniable. We are really each other’s half. Unfortunately, my fiance’s family, especially his mom, does not care for me. They did not approve when we moved in together because it was before we were married, and over the years they have gone out of their way to make me feel unwelcome. I have enored rude comments (after we got engaged, first thing fiance’s mom said to me was “I wish he wasn’t so impulsive”); and I’m excluded from plans often. Anything I say or do is wrong, and anything I don’t say or do is wrong. My fiance always comes to my defense and he is distraught his family acts this way. We decided together that we would endure this together because we live far away, and we hope things will get better down the road. Since we’ve gotten engaged things have gotten out of control though. I have asked my fiance’s sister to be in our wedding, and I let her know how much it means to us that his family will be part of the wedding. She then got engaged soon after we did, and my fiance and I could not be happier for her. She is having 12 bridesmaids, but will not be asking me. My fiance is extremely hurt especially because he sees his sister’s fiance as a future brother, and wants him to feel welcome. He spoke with his mom and she explained that I am not yet family, and you can not force his sister to see me as family. I don’t care that I am not in her wedding, but it feels symbolic of so much more. On the other hand, my family loves my fiance, and is helping us plan our wedding. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, but the constant feeling of rejection and the idea that my fiance will always have a strained relationship with his family is weighing heavy on me. I’m not sure what to do?
Post # 3
Why on earth would you call off your wedding because your Future Mother-In-Law is being cranky? To heck with her! I imagine it may be possible that she vetoed her own daughter’s choice of you as a bridesmaid.
I know that some mothers are way too possessive of their sons, and perhaps that is the case here? It wouldn’t matter if you were the crown princess of a European royal family, you wouldn’t be good enough. Trust me, your Fiance thinks you are fantastic and that’s all that matters.
Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds, from what you’ve posted, as though she is an insecure, cantankerous woman who is accustomed to getting her own way. Do not buy into her behaviour because capitulating to her now will only bring on more stress and heartache. Stand firm, keep your Future Sister-In-Law as a bridesmaid, and just enjoy being a guest at her wedding. The less of a reaction you give your Future Mother-In-Law the satisfaction of making, the sooner she’ll realize that she can’t control you.
Post # 4
@Caro12: Are you seriously considering calling off the wedding because of your MIL? That’s plain silly!
Here’s the deal… do NOT expect things to “get better down the road.” Chances are it won’t and all your doing is setting yourselves up for perpetual disappointment. Adjust your expecations of these people. You know your damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So stop trying. If you don’t lower your expecations, you are doing yourself a disservice.
Regarding your Future Sister-In-Law… there is no rule out there that says bridal party participation MUST be reciprocated. You say her not asking you is “symbolic of so much more”? What do you mean by that? If you mean that she is also not nice to you and is purposely snubbing you, then no offense… but the onus is on you. If she’s a jerk you should not have asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I feel like more often than not, issues with ILs really boils down to problems with how we (the future DILs/SILs) choose to deal with it. You will not fix them, nor is it your responsibility to make them see the error of their ways. They are the way the are, and you are not going to change that. Ever. Once you start realizing that, and truly accepting it, YOU will be much happier. Trust me. They are not responsible for your happiness, YOU ARE! So nut up, plan your wedding, marry the man of your dreams, and start a family with him!
Post # 5
As long as your Fiance is on your side and will continue to make your relationship his priority, the LAST thing I would do is give the in-laws the satisfasction of canceling the wedding!
Post # 6
The odds of you finding a great IL family that is supportive and loves you is something like next to nothing. I mean, look at these boards.
What you have to do is get straight with the Fiance….. can you move? Is he ok to cut off or limit contact, so that you can build your “family” with people who DO love and support you?
I do believe that you marry the entire family….. however, depending on if the guy can stand up to that family sometimes it’s ok.
Post # 7
@Caro12: My advice is to let it all go. It seems like talking to them or explaining your feelings to them will not work, they have little respect and love. I would go along with planning the weddings and learning to not let them get to you.
I totally understand how it feels because I feel the same way about my Mother-In-Law, you want a relationship, you want to be close but the feeling is not mutual. It is her loss.
Post # 8
It doesn’t sound like this is something that will “get better”. You will probably learn how to handle it better, and the attacks on you might get fewer and less extreme, but it will likely never completely go away.
All that said, I don’t think that’s a reason not to get married!
All that yada yada about “you marry the family” I think is only true if that’s what both parts of the couple want.
You two love each other. You will be making your own family of two. I think that “forsaking all others” part of the marriage vow doesn’t just apply to fidelity, but to not allowing anyone come between you two.
You have to let go of feeling responsible for the problems (“the idea that my fiance will always have a strained relationship with his family”). It sounds like it’ll be a strained relationship for a good reason. It sounds like your Fiance has chosen YOU, so just let him. You will have a very fulfilling life without pandering to these people. You don’t necessarily have to cut them out, but you don’t have to let them make you miserable either.
Post # 9
I could be wrong, but from your post is your Future Sister-In-Law like your Future Mother-In-Law or do you guys have a good relationship? If she’s not even nice to you i don’t think you should have to include her especially if she purposely didn’t make you a bridesmaid to snub you or make you feel as though your not part of the family. That would really erk me a lot i know that sounds tit for tat but i wouldnt have her be part of your wedding when she didnt bother to include you and is having 12 bridesmaid, and your fmil sounds so rude- comments like that hurt. Is your Fiance going to be your FSIL’s Fi groomsman? Just wondering. In law drama is annoying to say the last don’t let her make you think you should call off the wedding! HUgss
Post # 10
@trueblue14: +1. As long as your Fiance has your back consistently – you shouldn’t call it off!
Post # 11
Man, sorry you have to endure so much crap from your FI’s family :/ That’s really hard.
Do NOT call off the wedding on account of their assholeyness! Your marriage is about the bond between you and your SO only! No parents.
That said, it’s extremely hurtful and nerve wracking to feel unloved and unaccepted by someone who’s love and acceptance you so desire. I’m sorry you have to endure hate when you reach out to them.
You can always elope 😉
Your SO’s family are trying to bully you. If you two love each other and want to spend your lives together don’t let them pull you apart.
Post # 12
I’d say screw her, no way you should call off the wedding on her account. It’s like some of the PP’s have said, she probably just thinks that no girl is good enough for her little boy. And you know what? If you guys (God forbid) split up and in the future he got engaged to someone else, I’m 99% sure it’d be the exact same situation with her. So screw her, this is about YOUR love, and if nothing changes after you guys are married and considered “family”, then you and your husband need to have a serious talk with her.
Post # 13
The only time I think in-laws can destroy a relationship is when the fiance/husband doesn’t side with his fiance/wife or defend her or is in denial at how the family treats her. Your fiance doesn’t do any of those things. Stick together, stay strong and have a happy life. Don’t ever consider calling off the wedding because you Future Mother-In-Law has issues and doesn’t know how to be supportive.
Post # 14
You don’t have to do anything, just go on with your wedding plan. If you call off your wedding, it will fall into your future MIL exact plan! You love your Fiance and he loves you and that’s the most important thing. He also defends you and understands your feeling. You can’t just leave him because of his mom…. I believe that once you get married, she will accept you more (now that she can’t drive you away from your fiance anymore). If not, who cares anyway. You two will build your own family and if she still wants to have a good relationship with her son, she will have to do better.
Post # 15
Calling off the wedding is extreme, and techically no one should feel entitled to be asked to be in someone bridal party so you shouldn’t have even asked your Future Sister-In-Law because it sounds like you did it for the wrong reasons.
This seems like regular wedding drama, I agree with others let this little stuff go and as long as your man backs you up your fine. Count your lucky stars you live far away from them lol.
Post # 16
my Mother-In-Law caused so much havoc ion my first marriage that I vowed never to again deal with one or not marry if I had an issue. problem solved w hubby now cause he has no contact with his mom!! he took the negative out of his life long ago.
BUT my suggestion for YOU is, do not get into a long term relationship if this is a Mother-In-Law you will see often, cause issues or your partner is not the type that will stick up for you. in that case, actually RUN away. no but seriously, it wont get better as others say. no Mother-In-Law gets nicer over time. they usually get worse or you luck out and love em.