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First of all, I'm sorry you have to go through all if this :( I couldn't even imagine dealing with that with my FI. But I do think you did the right thing with ending the engagement because any man that has doubts about marriage or the relationship could just end up really hurting you. Now the relationship part, have you talked to him about how he still feels about you? And what was his reaction when you ended both the engagement and relationship? If he was distant and was void of any emotion, I say that it was good that you ended both, especially with the comment he made about other women.
If my FI were to make any comment about other women like that, then I would have to end it right there. That would show me that he's thinking about other possibiliies, meaning that I no longer satisfy him or that I'm not what he wants, and I wouldn't want to take the chance of getting cheated on. So I think that in that aspect you did the right thing by ending the relationship as well. That being said though, doesn't mean that you weren't enough for him. That just means that he's selfish and immature, and is a scaredy cat for asking you to marry him then running away. Even if you two work it out and get back together, there could be that fear of doubts re-occurring in the relationship which isnt good because that would affect your trust for him. I would say give it some time and think about it before going back if you are wanting to. You don't want to end up getting hurt anymore than you already are. HUGS! And I wish you the best!!!
I'm so sorry your going through this!! :( You say these doubts you have have grown in the last week since he said his hurtful comments to you. Are these strong doubts you have always had but were avoiding dealing with, or are they reasons you have come up with to help yourself cope with him hurting you? Something to buffer you? Or true, legitimate reasons you want to end the relationship. His reaction is important here too. Was he devastated about everything being called off and regretted his words, or did he think it was the right decision for the two of you? If you both love each other and want to make the relationship work, I wouldn't hesitate to start counseling. I would/will go to a counselor for my relationship if I felt it was necessary. Good luck with everything, I can't imagine what you must be going through!
I have to say though, that after 3 years together and proposing only a month ago, he must have been very happy/satisfied/sure of you and his decision. I would think that stress and a little freak out moment of realizing the "finality" of marriage is causing him to second guess things, and he may or may not have worded his true feelings correctly. But again, it depends on his reaction to everything. Maybe a little space will let him get his head on straight and realize he needs you in his life.
Thanks for all your support.
Well I've honestly never considered that he might look at other women and wonder about possiblities. His words were "I see qualities that other women have that you don't have and wonder if I'm going to be missing out on something." (EEK) And might I mention...I'm awesome. Like what the &#@% is he talking about? And he says that he doesn't fully believe his doubts, just that he feels conflicted about them...whatever that means. But that said, to my knowledge, he's never cheated. He's honestly always telling me how much he adores me and how I'm the only one for him yada yada...so this stuff just took me off guard. But the other doubts I've probably had since the beginning and have just never wanted to face them. My doubts about our financial future are probably the biggest reason I called off the engagement.
Wow.. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this, babe.. but honestly it sounds like it's for the best right now. I can't imagine how you must've felt when he said the comment about "qualities in other women". You're better than I, because I probably would've been violent. But seriously, there's always going to be someone out there who has SOMETHING that the person you're with doesn't... if he can't deal with those thoughts, it's best that he move on and see that for himself. Yeah, you might see that one endearing quality, whether physical or otherwise, in someone else, but once you get the WHOLE person, the grass isn't always greener.
Anyway, it sounds like you were having doubts as well, so I definitely feel this was in your best interest. I know that you loved him, but love on its own doesn't make a good marriage. I'm sure the perfect person for you will come along in no time. Just take some time to yourself & try to enjoy being single while it lasts. :o)
@belle123: You did the right thing, and in your heart you know that if he doubts and is "still looking" than he is not ready to marry you. Can you imagine going through and marrying this guy I'm sure he would probably have an affair and break your heart. You sound like a nice girl and trust me we need nice girls like you out there that are not bitter from a relationship.
We as women have intuition when something is wrong and 100% of the time we are correct okay okay 99.99%
.
it doesnt sound like he would cheat, but it does sound like he would leave one day because he is still looking "to upgrade to a better model"
ugh.
what was his reaction to you breaking off the engagement/relationship? that probably shows a lot about how he feels.
I think couple's counseling would be a great idea, provided that he's willing and even eager to go...Does he want to save the relationship and was devastated when you called it off or did he seem relieved when you ended things?
You've been together for a long time and it sounds like you really love him, so if it were me, I'd probably do whatever I thought was necessary to see if the relationship is worth pursuing...
As far as his comment about "qualities in other women," is it possible he was just being honest and perhaps a bit nervous about getting married? I'm not excusing his words, because they were definitely hurtful, but I've certainly had my moments where I've doubted my husband, just because no one's perfect...Perhaps he was just trying to be honest and it backfired...Just a thought, to maybe give him the benefit of the doubt since he seems like a good guy.
Definitely a rough situation, I'm so sorry you're going through this!
I agree with PP about this 'taking a step back' may be good, but perhaps giving the relationship some work. I don't get any HORRIBLE red flags from what you've told me. But def cold feet vibes.
Can I ask what age group you guys are in?
I'm surprised at everyone's negative reaction to your FI's comments about looking at other women and having doubts. I have felt the same way about my own relationship, and I've share this with my DH -- and I'm sure he's felt the same way too. I think it's completely normal to occasionally wonder what may have been. As incredible as any one person is, no one's perfect, so in choosing a life partner, we make tradeoffs, just like with any other decision. A loving family man who always makes time for his wife will likely not have an extremely successful, high-powered, lucrative career. It would be natural for the family man's wife to wonder - what if my husband was a superstar professionally, running a huge company with hundreds of people looking up to him? How might our life be different? Conversely, a career man's wife would think - What if I married someone who actually had time to come home for dinner every night and didn't have to go on business trips every month? It doesn't mean anyone's made a wrong choice - it's just a natural thought to have.
You mentioned the financial problems are a big part of your decision. I think this is more of an issue, and it's definitely smart to think about this now. Is he in a dead-end career? Or is he doing something he loves, despite the low pay? Do you feel like he's unmotivated to change the situation and happy with your current lifestyle? Or does he have some sort of goals to move up? Have you talked about what kind of life you two can make together - can you afford kids? a house? vacations? Will you both have to work full time if/when you do have children? What about paying off debt/accumulating savings? If you can come up with a realistic plan for your financial future that you can agree on, I think the relationship may be salvageable. Of course, if he's fine with the status quo while you are hoping for something more, it probably makes sense to end this relationship for good. I think you should explore these financial issues further (either just with him or through counseling) and see where that takes you.
If your gut says this was the right thing to do, go with that, and stick to your guns. It's always hard to make a big change, especially when it means letting go of security and comfort, and it sounds like this relationship has been secure and comfortable. It also sounds like you're ready to make a long-term committment to the relationship, rather than coasting along; it sounds like the ex future mr. wasn't ready for that.
The worst part in ending that kind of relationship, where it's been comfortable and you get into the routine, is that you're going to miss it like hell and want it back. And so is he.
But that won't change anything. It'll just be the same old relationship with a break-up/reconciliation cycle thrown in for emotional excitement. No good comes from that.
If you're just getting done with school, this really was (most likely) the right choice. I think of the person I was when I was in college, and who I was when I was just starting out on my career. If I'd married any of the men I'd been with then, I'd be divorced from them now. The best thing I ever did for myself was spend a couple years being single and living alone and getting to know myself as an individual rather than half a couple.
Here's my .02: It is one thing (and one totally natural, normal, healthy thing) to look at and appreciate the beauty of other members of your preferred sex OTHER than your SO. It is another beast entirely to see them as other options and "possibilities," which is a huge red flag and very disrespectful to the person you're in a relationship with.
While you may love him, he's made it painfully clear that he is not 100% committed you. You deserve someone who is. Stick to your guns and don't take him back.
Were you pressuring him to propose to you? It sounds as though he may have felt like he needed to propose and had doubts but then went through with it anyway for some reason. I know that the first couple weeks after DH proposed it was like we were surrounded by rainbows and butterflies. I couldn't imagine how someone would change their mind just a couple weeks later.
How many serious relationships has your ex-FI had before you? I ask because his comments sound like a man who hasn't had a lot of experience and worries he might regret it later, though I could just be putting my own spin on it (I was the first girlfriend of my college sweetheart, and we eventually broke up in part because he'd never dated/been intimate with anyone other than me, which made him nervous about marriage).
You did the right thing, seriously. He could never really be fully committed to you while looking at other women and thinking of possibilities.
Relationships are hard work.. and both parties have to be willing to admit to what is wrong and willing to work on it. Which it pretty much seems like you both have accepted your fault and willing to work on it. However his comment about looking at other women and thinking about possibilities.. WOW really after he just proposed.. I don’t know how secure I would be staying engaged to someone that said that to me. I think you did good by breaking things off.. seems like you are re-evaluating your life and what he is bringing to the table. Seems like both of you have fallen into a comfort zone that needed to be broken ASAP. Take this time to decide what you want and what you will and won’t put up with.. a guy that is about to get married won’t even want to think of other women and think of possibilities.. there are no possibilities if you are marring the love of your life get me? Don’t call him and don’t pick up on his phone calls either.. see if this time away makes you realize that maybe he is not what you want every day for the rest of your life.
I completely agree with @Mrs Grape.
It is very normal to appreciate other people while in a committed relationship, but the word possibilities is what is throwing me off a bit. What was his reaction when you called off the engagement and asked him to leave?
In addition - as a practicing couple's therapist intern - couple's therapy does not always go as smoothly as one would hope. More often than not, one of the pair does not want to be there. I would advise couple's therapy if he is willing to go, if he digs his heels in, I unfortunately would have to say to move on :/
ETA - I realize that sounded hella confusing. I will be a licensed couple's & family therapist come summer 2012.
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I've been posting here under a different name but decided to use a new account for this...
So my Fiance (ex-fiance) proposed about a month ago, and everything was going great. We'd dated happily for 3 years at that point (and lived together for one of those years). And then about a week ago, he tells me he's having doubts. That he's not sure we should get married, that he still looks at other women and wonders about "possibilities". Now, at first, I just chalked it up to the stress of announcing the engagement and him coming to terms with the fact that it was happening. But he never snapped out of it. So over the last week my own doubts have been growing and growing. If I had to name my biggest doubts they are:
1. Our employment/financial situation: I really have no way of knowing whether in the future we will be able to support a family. His job pays little (and better career prospects in the future are sort of slim), and I just finished school so I'm not working yet.
2. Our sex life has never been terribly mind blowing. We do it once a week...and while its always good...I just feel like there's some kind of passion missing. BUT that may be due to the fact that birth control has killed my libido and I just got off it so no change yet...But honestly I didn't feel enough passion on his end either. (And he agrees that this is an area we could work on)
3. His comments about looking at other women and seeing possiblities worries me. I never thought of him as someone who would cheat, but this comment freaked me out.
So tonight, I called off the engagement...and the relationship. I asked him to move out. I know it was the right thing to call off the engagement...but I'm just agonizing over the idea of ending this relationship. I really really love this guy and up until this point have loved imagining having a life and family with him. Do you think I should consider going to couples counseling with him?
And I realize no one can tell me the answer, only I can know, but I'm really looking for just some varied viewpoints, hoping someone will bring some light to this that maybe I'm not seeing.