(Closed) Called off Engagement & ended relationship

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee

Follow your gut! It sounds like you need to keep that relationship in the past!

Post # 4
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hi…I’m a NewBee, but I’ve been there. Stick to your guns, as hard as it will be. And it WILL be hard. You already know in your heart that he won’t change. If he hasn’t thus far…he more than likely won’t.  You mentioned a relief that you felt…don’t forget that. When it gets tough, hold on to that feeling. Knowing that separating from him actually made you feel relief, will make the decision to stay away much easier.  Look at it this way…you may not be losing something as much as giving yourself a second chance and happiness. I’ve kissed a lot of frogs to finally realize that love exists without all the drama and self sacrifice. Stay strong…you deserve a love that is fulfilling. It does exist.  🙂 xo

Post # 5
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Oh my, you definitely did the right thing. Yelling and swearing at you are complete dealbreakers, in my view, and I would have left too. Plus different ideas about money and KIDS– those are dealbreakers too, if neither partner is willing to change.

He did have time to change, unless your unhappiness with him was a secret until now (which I very much doubt it was). Do not talk to him. Give it time and don’t contact him, or reply to him contacting you; that will only fuel post-breakup hanging on and longing. 

It is very normal for you to feel like going back; it is natural to long for the companionship and love of someone you were with for such a long time. But you are right, breaking up with him sounds like it was the right thing for you to do, and please, stay strong. You and he will both be able to start over in time, and the sooner you can begin that process by separating completely, the better.

I stuck out breakups by reminding myself, constantly, of the reasons why the guy was my EX– treating me badly, being unpredictable, and anything else negative that I could think of! Get mad– really, really mad– at the things about him that led you to break up with him. Anger is the absolute best way to realize a person is not somebody you want to be around, I think. –I’m presently forcing myself to do that, regarding a guy I have been crushing on even though I have a boyfriend. I made a mental list of all the things I can’t stand about the crush guy, and when I find myself thinking about him, I remind myself of those things– it really helps to get pissed off about it all. It also really helps to be angry, because then you don’t feel like contacting the person or paying attention to their attempts to contact you.

((HUGS))– I know breakups are so painful. My sympathy and good wishes are with you in this hard time.

 

 

Post # 6
Hostess
7568 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Who surprises someone with counseling? It’s not a birthday present. I think it’s a lie. If he is telling the truth I would still be upset because it implies that he thinks he’s doing you a favor by working on your relationship.

It must be really hard right now, but it sounds like you’re making the right decision. Lean on some friends and stay strong! 

Post # 7
Member
6750 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree.  He’s lying about “surprising” you with counseling.  He’s just trying to get you back.

Cut him off from all contact and move on.  It’s the only real way, imo. 

Post # 8
Member
6018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

It might not be such a horrible thing if YOU got some counceling … just to air your feelings, you may only need one or two visits.  Maybe just to firm up that your GUT WAS RIGHT!!! and for peace of mind. 

Post # 9
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@missyhh07:  You did the right thing! follow your heart….no one deserves this.

Post # 10
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

Absolutely stick to your guns until he’s actually gone to counseling regularly for a couple of months, and his behaviour has shown some major changes.  Right now all he wants is you to come back and THEN he’ll go? How is this your issue?  It’s not, so don’t let him make it so.

Post # 11
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hang in there.  You deserve better!

Post # 12
Member
6125 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I ended a relationship withsomeone who was not good for me.  He also promised to go to counseling as well.  These are all tactics to get you back.  Of couse it’s not permanent!

What I did was asked for NO CONTACT for a whole month.  He actually abided by it!  I guess he thought he had a shot…

Then after a month, he pestered me like no other.

I had to end all conversation with him.  I refused to take his calls.  I would not let him come over.  Do NOT get into the EXPLANATION stages, because that opens the gates of negotiation! 

 

We had lawyers (we were actually married) and I made everything go through the lawyers.

Summary – end all the contact.  Do not accept his texts.

Post # 13
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

good for you! sounds lik eyou made the right decision. I’d cut all communication with him (phone/text/facebook/email, etc.)  It’s the only (and fastest) way to get over this and move on with your life.  Try asking him not to contact you first, if that doesn’t work block his number through your phone provider if you have to.

 

Post # 14
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I second @AmyLynnWV: – it’s going to be difficult for a while, but hold on to that sense of peace. It sounds like you know in your heart that you made the right decision. Hugs and best wishes to you!

Post # 15
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Maya Angelou said “when a person shows you who they are believe them”. Your gut is right and I know it is painful but I would rather for you to have pain now and move on. Then to have pain and children are involved or you go through with a marriage that will only end in divorce or worst. He has had 5 years to get his act together and my personal advice is when a man loves a woman he will change because he knows his cant live without her. This process doesnt take 5 years it starts when he realizes that he wants to marry you and he know he has issues that you will not accept.

So he will change without you asking and you will see that those issues are not issues anymore. He will change because he wants too, he is not forced, or you will not have to leave  him for him to see that he must change. 

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