Called off the wedding, did I do the right thing?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
81 posts
Worker bee

Is this the first instance of this kind of behaviour? If so, I would forgive him. He did well to apologize to everyone, and if he seems remorseful I think he deserves another chance. Everyone makes mistakes and alcohol can play cruel tricks on perception!

Post # 4
4134 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have to agree with the PP. If this was a one time show of unfortunate decision making, I think he deserves another chance. I guess for me it would hinge on if HE is embarassed for his actions or not. 

Post # 5
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Alcohol can make people change badly. But did he physically hurt anyone? A lot of people mess up, and he has already apologized. My FI has learned that he can’t do hard liqours (Newfie) and for his sake and our relationship, he won’t touch it again, but he’ll drink beer. You’ve made your decision, but unless this is something that happens a lot, I feel like you jumped too quickly. Perhaps there are other underlying problems? People aren’t usually quick to cancel the engagement and break up so suddenly from a little mess up… is it more than just the fact that he humiliated you? Evaluate that before you do anything else. All the best!

Post # 7
1823 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t know all the details of the situation, but I think it’s kind of crazy to throw away such a serious and loving relationship over one mistake. Obviously what he did was completely wrong, but I’d just really question whether it’s truly breakup worthy. As long as this is the first time he’s done something like this, I think you should absolutely give him another chance.

Post # 8
1436 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@futuremrskgt:  Is he willing to work on this behavior somehow? Would you be open to having a relationship with him if he went to therapy, DBT classes, or something? When people want to change, they can. Perhaps you can postpone the wedding until further notice.

Post # 9
1861 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Of course I don’t know you, your ex-FI, the larger circumstances, your culture and past together. but:

— What kind of relationship does your ex-FI have with alcohol? What kind of “drunk” is he? Does he frequently drink a lot?

— How does your ex-FI handle conflict when he’s NOT drunk? Is this a Jekyll and Hyde thing? Have you ever seen him act like this, drunk OR sober?

— Do his family and/or friends handle conflict like this, drunk or sober? Even if it’s not typical for him, might it be for his dad, older sibling, best bud?

— Are you a traditional college student — ie, just around 22/23? If so, just generally speaking, I think it’s a good idea for you to be able to transition into a post-college, professional life before you guys get married. This isn’t meant to be a “you’re too young” blanket statement, just that you guys have known each other for a long time, but this (may) be a period of intense change and personal growth coming up for you, and you may want some space to figure out whether this is still the right relationship for you and for him.

In short, yes, I think you did the right thing by slowing things down until you can figure out what is going on.


Post # 10
1823 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@futuremrskgt:  I just read your update. it’s interesting that you say this is a pattern. How long ago was the first incident? if it’s fairly recent and you feel like his behavior has been getting progressively worse, then I do think it’s a good idea to be cautious about getting back into this relationship and take things slow for a while to make sure he really changes. However if the first incident was years ago, then I stand by my original post

Post # 11
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@futuremrskgt:  it’s a difficult decision to call off a wedding.  i have a feeling that your doubts must be great to call it off so abruptly.  you need to follow your instincts.

good luck with everything.

Post # 12
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

It sounds like at least 2 incidents of verbal abuse.  I think calling off the wedding is a wise step. Now to find a good counselor for you, no couples’ counseling.  These types of guys will use it against you.

I certainly would encourage him to seek therapy on his own, of course.

They always act remorseful,that’s how they pull you back in.

I, for one, support your decision. 



Post # 13
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

I come from a family rife with alcoholism and addiction.  Since this is a repeat performance I really think you did the right thing.  It WILL happen again.  I’ve seen that conversation, that remorse, that contrition, those promises many, many times.  It was NEVER the last time.

I’m watching another immediate family member go down the alcoholism super highway right now.  She will be dead in less than 5 years I’m sure.  

You HAVE done the right thing and this will only escalate.  It will happen again.  Seen it with too many people, too many times.  Don’t go back.

Post # 14
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with PP’s. It probably won’t happen again for awhile, probably not until after the wedding. But it will happen again. And again. I think you made the difficult, but ultimately correct, decision.

Post # 15
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

You definitely did the right thing. It’s not an isolated incident. Even if he manages to put on his best behavior for a YEAR, at some point, he’ll stop caring & lose it again. You absolutely need to look out for yourself

Post # 16
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@hermom:  <= She’s right. And while I realize that there was substance use involved in this particular incident, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it will ONLY occur when he is drunk. I’m really very sorry that your party was ruined, and that you broke up with your FI. But you sound like a strong woman with a network of family and friends that can help. It may take some time, but you’ll heal, and just be that much better because of it! <<hugs>>

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