Called things off :(

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

hotpink827224:  You ABSOLUTELY deserve to know the timeline. If its ten years its ten years? WTF?

I would be moving out and getting my own residence now. He has you right where he wants you: with all the perks of marriage and none of the commitment. He had ample opportunity to make it happen, and if you put your foot down: he will make it happen if he wants to. If he doesnt hell let you go, but atleast you know the truth.

Post # 3
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sweetie, all I know is, never settle, never compromise on something that will lead to resentment in the future and never let a problem fester. He either will or he won’t commit but he cannot do everything on ‘his’ timeline because you have a timeline too.  Why are you sacrificing for his timeline? What is so special about his role in the relationship that he deserves full control? A partnership means that both parties hash it out until both parties are happy. No one person in a relationship should be allowed to be the dictator. It is all about clear communication and making sure you are ALWAYS on the same page. The moment you are not, problems arise. And if they get too big then its harder and harder to fix them. Don’t live like strangers in the same house. Make sure you know exactly what he wants and when he wants it and then tell him what you want and when you want it. Surprises are for birthday parties, not marriage proposals. You are talking about your whole life, not one evening. Its essential you discuss, calmly, and lovingly. No panic, just tender future planning. Make a cup of hot chocolate and sit him down and ask all of the questions you have burning inside of you. Ask him where you will be in a year, in five years and don’t get mad, or scared. He loves you and you love him. Remember that.

Post # 4
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

hotpink827224:  Is it possible that his reluctance goes all the way back to the beginning of your relationship?  You said you’ve been together 8 years but only 3 years ago made a commitment to him, if I’m reading that correctly.  I need more details about what went on during that time.  Could he be getting some sort of revenge for your having made him wait?  Or could it be that now that the chase is over he’s also over it?  Just speculating here, I realize I could be way off base.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Sunfire.
Post # 8
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

All I know is me and my man discuss everything, from career ambitions, to children, to parenting styles. We know where we want to be and what we are striving for. There was no Hollywood romantic proposal but we both discussed, decided and moved forward with our relationship. We are getting married because we are both ready and we both want it. If my fiance did not want to marry me I would walk away. I have walked away before. My needs have to be met and if they are not, I know I am lonelier in a relationship that is not what I want it to be than when I am single and open to the possibility of exactly what I need being just over the road. Don’t shut yourself off from happiness, trapped in something that may never satisfy you. You deserve a man who loves you enough to live for you and your joy. I know that I would do anything for my baby but, my god, he would do anything for me too. I was single for three years after a crappy relationship so I know it from both sides. It taught me not to settle. I didn’t. I’m getting married in two months. Sometimes you have to be really brave. And trust that no matter how tough it gets at times, you will be so grateful for that act of bravery in a few years time. I know I was brave and I am so thankful now. I’m sorry its not easy, but it is worth it. It really, truly is. Nothing is worse than this limbo right now. I swear it.  

Post # 9
Member
3806 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

hotpink827224:  “I believe this is because he wants everything to be a complete surprise for me, so he doesn’t want to talk about it much.”

Don’t fool yourself. I don’t think he’s ready and I think he’s scared. You guys should consider couples counseling. Perhaps that will give him a safe place to talk it through. If he’s not interested, then you need to make a decision.

If he wants to be with you as bad as he says he does, then leave and see if he comes to get you. If he doesn’t, well you have your answer and you are no longer wasting your time.

Post # 10
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

hotpink827224:  I really don’t understand the expectation on women to shut up about their desires. If marriage is a commitment from two people, why the heck does the man get the power to initiate it?

It’s unacceptable for you to not have a clear understanding of where your life is headed. If you can’t discuss a simple timeline about the intention to get engaged, then you’re going to run into a lot of communication issues later in life. Your partner should be the person you can confide in and trust – not second guess or resent. 

If I were in your shoes, I’d lay out my desires to be married by X date, and see what his reaction is. It’s fair to negotiate the timeline so it suits both of you, but if he’s resistant to that, then you have your answer. 

Post # 12
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

hotpink827224:  He obviously loves you and has expressed you’re the one.

I honestly don’t know what to tell you. What’s wrong with being a strong, independent woman and setting the stage? Why does it always have to be us women that are waiting and leave everything at the man’s discretion? Just because society tells us that it’s the man’s job to decide when to get married? It makes me frustrated and angry seeing the hundreds of women on here who are desperate and miserable just waiting on their boyfriends to pop the question. I say we all take control of our lives and live by our OWN timelines. WHy should we have to wait and be at a man’s beck and call? You only get one life and you might as well live it how you want. YOU take control of YOUR life.

Sorry, I by no means meant to sound harsh if I did…I’m just upset for you, honestly.

Post # 13
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

As the only single girl at SO SO many parties, I am there with the sting of words. What I want to tell you is multi faceted. First of all no one else matters. Their opinion of you and your relationship lasts for as long as it takes for the sentence to leave their fat, judgy gobs. Think about the way you gossip (all of us women do, come on) You do not lie awake at night ‘judging’ Debbie at the office and the fling she’s having with that married man. Its idle chitchat and then you forget and think about your own life and your own problems. So remember that next time someone implies you should be hitched by now. They don’t care. Its just something to say. It stings because it means something to you. Now, how much it means to you, has to be decided by you. I know happy couples who don’t stress about marriage, who don’t ever want to get married but are absolutely as committed to each other as a married couple. That doesn’t seem to be you. Do you know why? Is something making you insecure? Do you fear his lack of commitment? Is he evading ‘total commitment’? You say you have a house and animals, but something deeper than a marriage proposal is stressing you out. You need to figure out the significance of his commitment, the importance of marriage to you and where YOU want to go from here. Then talk to him. But come prepared. You need to know what it is you want. Without that you will float and I feel like you don’t want to float anymore.

Post # 14
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

My hubby and I have only been together for 3 years and some months.  I am 26 and he is 30.  I didn’t think marriage was happening soon, since we haven’t been together that long, and I wasn’t even that concerned with it… Until he told me not to be expecting a proposal anytime soon out of the blue.  We weren’t talking about us; however, we were talking about his bestfriend ring shopping with his girlfriend and how they said they would NEVER get married because they just weren’t marriage people.  So my boyfriend just throws that in the conversation, and it hurt.  

We have talked his saying that and he tells me he said that because:  1.  He wants the proposal to be a surprise and he felt like I knew it was coming so he wanted to throw me off his trail or 2.  He thought I was getting the wedding itch because all of my friends have recently been married and now his friends are married or engaged.  

Either way, I don’t believe either of those reasons.  I think everyone getting married has actually sent him into questioning whether he wants to settle down with anyone.. let alone me.  (I’m not his first girlfriend, but I am his longest relationship, so I don’t know if he has that ‘didn’t play the field enough’ regret) I also think it has put pressure on him and I feel like that is causing him to feel like he isn’t in control anymore and that bothers him. 

I don’t think it is unfair of your boyfriend to give you a timeline or to admit if he is having second thoughts for any reason.  He put money down on a ring, so he should know you would think that meant more than an investment.  I’m not sure why it is so hard to get a timeline out of guys sometimes.  My boyfriend’s timeline was “I won’t let it go common law.”  Well, our state doesn’t have common law, so it won’t anyway.  

I understand your frustrations, and I hope that he will see how important this is to you and let you know what he is actually thinking.  

 

Post # 15
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

hotpink827224:   Ok, thank you for the further explanation, that sheds a little more light.  You admit you were “cold” to him for almost five years.  And that he was patient and expressed that he would want to be with you whether you agreed to marry him or not.  I still stand by my original theory, even if it may be somewhat subconscious on his part.  Ask him if he is feeling hesitant now due to your hesitation then.  It sounds as though he really loves you and his love is rock-solid.  Maybe he wants to know yours for him is the same in return, that you will love him and stay with him and be patient the same way he was.  And that you want him and will be there for him, marriage or not.

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