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Soooo many bees (and Bees) have mentioned that they USED to be in long distance relationships, but are now together, either as an engaged/dating couple, or enjoying post-wedding bliss. I was hoping you all could bless us with some of your wisdom!
1) If you could give your ONE best piece of advice for a someone else in a LDR, what would it be?
2) What's been the most unexpected aspect of your LDR turning into an SDR?
3) Favorite mixed drink? (just for funsies!)
1.) Be patient and make time. My FI and I lived apart for 3 years. He was in law school and I worked/work a crazy schedule. Sometimes it was hard to get motivated to make that 2 hour trip to visit.. but you just have to do it. I've learned it's not about the quantity of the time spent but the quality. Make time for just each other.
Also, invest in Skype! I wish we would have! My FI is not good on the phone.. so that would have prevented a lot of little tiffs about "you're not talking."
2.) I've had to learn that since we live together now we don't have to spend every minute together. I'm also learning that I'm now a part of "we" instead of just "me."
3.) Margarita!
Hmmmm, interesting questions...
1. Best piece of advice I can give is to have faith and trust in your relationship and SO. There were so many times where I doubted either "us" or "him" and it caused some strains in our relationship...But most of these doubts were created in my mind as a defense mechanism so try my advice is to be secure and trust your partner...
2. Unexpected aspect...Did NOT expect to have as many arguments as we do over cleaning and household chores...Make sure you have very very clear expectations over who is responsible for what when you move in together!
3. My drink of choice is a tie between vodka tonic and sangria!
My FI and I have been in an LDR for three years and we very recently (as in a month ago) are finally at the same place. However, in a month we're going back to a LDR for 1.5 months before we get married. (He's in the Air Force and things get complicated!)
1) If you could give your ONE best piece of advice for a someone else in a LDR, what would it be? Hands down, it would be communication. When you're away from somebody for a long period of time you absolutely have to keep talking. Talk via IM, text, phone, write letters, whatever. But the main thing is keep talking. Talking each day helped us build trust and that foundation of friendship.
2) What's been the most unexpected aspect of your LDR turning into an SDR? Like someone said above, I didn't think we'd argue as much as we have. Don't get me wrong, it's all been very healthy arguements, it's just different now that we're actually together. Oh, but I love every single second of it!
3) Favorite mixed drink? (just for funsies!) A blueberry cape cod. Mmmm!
1. Don't take those long phone conversations for granted.
2. Just because we live ten minutes apart doesn't mean we get to see each other all the time. Sigh. (Unlike some of the other bees, we didn't go from LDR to living together...one step at a time, haha)
3. His is a gin and tonic. I'm too new to alcohol to have a fave yet. :P
1) If you could give your ONE best piece of advice for a someone else in a LDR, what would it be?
Make sure you have enough time for your relationship. Talk through everything and do NOT get jealous. My FI and I spent a year apart while I was in college, it was tough but knowing we did it lets us know we can get through anything.
2) What's been the most unexpected aspect of your LDR turning into an SDR?
That although we live in the same house we rarely see each other. We both are in graduate school and that seriously limits our time. We've learned to enjoy our time together because when I first moved back we were like oh we live together we'll see each other all the time and we didn't and that caused some arguments. You still have to make time for each other.
3) Favorite mixed drink? (just for funsies!)
Me: Whiskey Sour Him: Bud Light or Kamikaze
1) I guess I have a few, sorry. Make sure you're both in it to win it. It won't work unless you both REALLY REALLY want it to work. Look at yourself, and take a good, long, hard look. Are you emotionally capable? If you don't think you can handle it, you probably won't. You have to go into it confident and build each other up. Once one person starts going, "i don't think i can do this" it's too easy to let that mentality take over and come between you. I'd say timelines are important, too, but not everybody can have one (like us--ours was up in the air) and sometimes it pays to be flexible. Oh, and make sure you can trust him 100% or the "what ifs" will eat you up like an alligator.
Also, don't underestimate the power of sending him sexy photos. I never thought I'd do that, but it turns out it's great for our relationship to have that little bit of desire between us, even if we go 8 months without seeing each other. Even if I just know i'm going to take him a bath and I send him a photo of my feet in the bubbles from my iphone. I'm not talking super risque, just something with implication. He is a man, after all =]
2) Well, it JUST turned SDR, so I'm not really qualified to answer this yet, but, I'm always pleasantly surprised at how content we are to just be in the same room. We don't have to do the same thing, but just be around is nice. Like last night--he was watching tv and I was plugged into my laptop doing homework. And it was just nice to know he was there. I felt at ease.
3) Favorite drink: Aw man. I have too many. I used to work in a bar so i know my way around a bottle very well. His is a gin and tonic or a crum bubbly--sparkling lemonade+gin (so good in summer. Sounds weird, I know). Me, margaritas or nuts and berries (cream, frangelico, chambord)...I also like all kinds of crazy martinis. Cream de cassis, saketinis, etc....really out there kind of stuff. I love the depth in a complicated, exotic martini.
Hells to the yeah I am =]
We were just talking about this last night and how much I've "grown" as a person because of our LDR. He said I don't throw myself Pity Parties anymore. =]
1) This might sound strange but...ENJOY your LDR time. Dwell on all your blessings that you have right now. You may never again experience the place where you are or the life situation you are in. I personally have a huge problem with always wanting what I can't have and looking forward to a time that it supposed to be better. I end up missing a lot of what I have right now. When we were LDR, I wasn't with him...but I was in my country and with my family. I was really moody at that time and missed out on some quality time I could have shared with my mother or my friends from home because I was desperate to get back to him. Now I am with him but I miss my culture and that other life. I wish I could marry my worlds together too, but I can't, so I'm working on enjoying the benefits of the place I am in.
2) It's not unexpected, but I'm so much more stable as a person now that we are together. Time zones + phone connections + language =ed not being able to talk very well on the phone...literally...we couldn't communicate. Somehow, we communicate best when we are touching because if we can't fully understand each other's words, we 100% get physical feeling and body language. So when we were apart, I could never tell his tone/intention/emotion/connotation. It made me very anxious and worried, but having that physical connection has made me much calmer. And when I'm calm...he is calm too! (@ejs..'at ease' is a great way to put it!)
3) G&T for me!! He loves Long Islands...but despite the soju and beer he regularly packs in, his body really can't handle the alcohol in Long Islands!!
1. You need to decide on an end-game, meaning that you know when the LDR will end, and who will be moving. The time I spent apart from my fiance was awful, and the only way I managed to handle it was the knowledge that in [insert number] of months, I'd be moving to be with him.
2. We live together now, and I'm amazed by how easy it is. My cleanliness standards are definitely higher than his, but all I have to do is say "Hey, the state of your desk is bugging me - can you please clean it?" and it gets done. Almost immediately.
3. Mine: Cosmo. His: Bombay Sapphire martini, straight up, no vermouth, two olives. (So basically, a big glass of gin, but it's cheaper to order it as a martini than a big glass of gin!)
@bamm, does your SO get the Asian Flush when he drinks? I totally do and a pepcid AC does the trick =]
@ejs - MY SO gets asian flush! he's 1/2 korean (but totally american) and gets can't handle his liquor/gets the worst headache hangovers -- does the pepcid just help the flushing, or with other stuff too?
Well, I'm 1/4 and I seem to manage to pretty. I really am on the one drink/hour kind of tolerance. I had a martini with a full steak dinner Saturday and was WAY too drunk to drive home--DH laughed at me and was like, "you're trashed! HOW?!" haha.
Um not sure if the Pepcid helps with the other stuff--it keeps you from getting flushed but I'm not 100% sure why...I only take it for major occassions like my wedding or friend's weddinmgs or work parties where i know i'll have a beer or two. It may slow down the body's take up of alcohol, therefore slowing its effects. I'm not sure...I never seem to be trashed or hungover when I take it though.
I do get headaches the next day if i drink anything but top shelf, though =\
@ejs yes he does!!!! but he's a businessman who must drink frequently with his bosses, so he doesn't worry about asian flush. they all are just red together...and then there are a ton of the over the counter hangover cures available here for businessmen just like him!^^ but long islands are just brutal on his body...he gets sooooo drunk very fast. actually...confession time....a long island is what kind of brought us together.....
@daydream...i've met a ton of koreans who don't get the asian flush...but i've never met a biracial one who doesn't! it must be a super strong gene! a good friend always laments that she got the 'hairy' gene from her white father and the 'asian flush' gene from her korean mother...worst of both worlds she says!
@bamm - um, why is that story not in one of the introduction-y threads on our beautiful new LDR board!?
1) I agree with everyone else- communication is key. I lived overseas for work and we skyped for hours. I think being apart and being forced to talk instead of doing things together helped our relationship progress and evolve. It was terrible being away but sometimes I wish we had those long saturdays back that just involved skype and lots of talking.
2) We seem to get one another better and all of the talking and question asking and sharing of emotions seemed to set a standard for us and how we communicate now. Again, the long distance thing was terrible and there may have been a 3 month count down to return but I also think we learned an grew as a couple through that experience.
3) my new favorite drink is vodka and pom- very tasty....
Welcome to Weddingbee, cece! Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement :)
@daydream because there are some things too embarrassing for even an anonymous wedding board LOL!
1) I'm with everyone else - COMMUNICATION! Do your best to communicate in unique ways, not just on the phone. Write each other letters and mail them (even if you talk every day), watch tv together, play computer games together, text each other, etc. I also agree with bamm - enjoy the time you have now. Once your in a SDR, you won't be freaking out to see each other every day, and you won't cherish your time together as much. As hard as the times are, they are really special memories for FI and myself, so definitely enjoy it.
2) We're alot better at communicating now, and we're so much closer than we were before. It's kind of hard to explain, but there's definitely a really special element that our relationship gained after we had to spend some time apart
3.) Frozen margaritas!!! If we're being very specific, a frozen margarita from Chuy's with a sangria floater with extra salt on the rim! :-)
1) To keep in touch constantly! Fortunately FH and I had a great phone plan and would end up calling each other at least 2-3 times a day! LDR isn't for everyone but if you keep focused on the other person and try and be part of each other's worlds as much as possible thats a great start!
2) There's more 'everyday' sort of arguments and sometimes it can be easier to get fed up in person... when on the phone you can just say ttyl and do something else a little easier! lol
3) Favorite mixed drink? Cosmopolitans! :D
1) Keep in constant contact, but don't let that deter you from making your own plans. Yes youre in a LDR, but you cant stop living your life because your Significant Other isnt there
2) We bicker more and argue less. We never have arguments, but we bicker over how to clean, do laundry, fry bacon, you name it. We both just think our way is superior:)
3) Favorite mixed drink? Margaritas!
1) Be patient and don't whine!! I learned so much about this because I had a much harder time with the LDR than he did. He hates talking on the phone and it made me feel disconnected. We were honest with eachother about how much communication to have and when, and when we could do it, we made it count.
Use the time to learn about things that you might be too distracted too talk about when you're together. We worked through our premarital counseling mostly over the phone and that really helped us prepare for marriage while being apart
2) Hmm...for me it's been the little habits of living together. Hubby is a total goofball and without being near him all the time I had kind of forgotten some parts of his personality.
We're still getting used to each other, but we both feel infinitely more secure and content.
One thing we had to do early in our marriage though was to set boundaries. We spent SO much time together after we were finally together that we started to get on each other nerves. Now we schedule a little bit of time apart (either alone or with girl/guy friends)
3) mojitos!
1. I know we sound like a broken record but communication is key. You need to be able to talk out problems with eachother because you can't just storm out and have makeup sex! I think having set times to talk really helps you to know when there is going to be communication again and not feel like you are completely out of the loop. We used to have conversations where we told each other everything that went on during the day (those haven't lasted now).
2. I am suprised that now I have gotten so used to him being around that I can't sleep if he is gone at night.
3. Margaritas!
DH and I were long distance when we were dating and he was across the US for school. Id say the best advice is to talk often but not too much. We talked a couple times a day and texted alot but I found that I would end up calling him too much. I let my mind get the best of me and if I called and he didnt answer I would worry and call again very soon after. We finally had a talk where he told me that he loved being with me and talking to me but that I was calling too much and he was getting frustrated with it. Thankfully I got the hint and got better at calling too much :)
I think the biggest change was what most people said, we fought more once he got home. We only had one fight in the 2.5 years we were apart and it was about something small. Once he moved back home I found us to be arguing over small stupid things. Maybe we held in our feelings when we were LD because we were scared to argue?
My favorite mixed drink it a Malibu and pineapple with a little bit of butterscotch schnapps!
1) My FI and I were only long distance for about 8 months. Before that I was in a LDR for 4 years! I've found that a lot of open communication (like the other bees have said), and visits whenver possible were what got me through the distance.
2) I guess what was surprising for me was how easy the transition to seeing each other on weekends to seeing each other every single day was. I'm not a clingy or needy kind of girl at all, but I actually miss him during the day and I LOVE coming home to him at night :)
3) Mojitos or vodka tonics!
1) You have to trust each other and not be jealous and be really open with communication. Fun things like a mutual countdown to a visit made the anticipation a little more fun than task.
2) How easy the transition has been. Though we had a few bumps because we were both single for so long and then LDR, it took a lot of communication to get past that. And yes, I do look forward to coming home to him.
3) Either Bombay Sapphire dirty martini or First Growth (Gin, Pineapple, sage, and something else- champagne?) it's refreshing without being too sweet I'm a Gin girl.
1) If you could give your ONE best piece of advice for a someone else in a LDR, what would it be?
Make sure that both parties are extremely committed to each other to go through the LDR as it's not easy, and to have an end date to the LDR so you know it'll not always be LDR. Try to see each other as often as possible and/or always have a date set for the next visit. It'll be easier dealing with LDR knowing that you WILL see him in so-and-so many days/weeks/months.
2) What's been the most unexpected aspect of your LDR turning into an SDR?
LDR was really difficult for me and I invested a lot of myself in the relationship, after moving to be with him, I treally treasure our relationship even more because we went through a tough LDR together.
3) Favorite mixed drink? (just for funsies!)
Mojitos! The first time I had it was when I first met him, and he ordered me one. :) I am sentimental that way. :P
1. Make sure you both have the same end goal in mind. I spent a LLLOONNGG time in a LDR that was never going to go anywhere, but didn't realize it until it was too late (and despite what everyone was telling me). Almost 2 years later I found myself in the same boat, but now we are roomies! Appreciate how much the communication makes your relationship stronger. It's a whole lot easier to let the talking slide when you see each other daily.
2. I was surprised how easy it was for two people who had lived alone for so long to live together. He has recently taken over the office though, and it's been a little hard to let go. However, I'm glad he's so comfortable in our home (it's my townhouse, new house next year!) Oh, and for his lack of cooking skills, he has put some very thoughtful dinners together. I love coming home late at night to a dinner already made!
3. Mojitos
1. Buy a better cell phone/blue tooth. I swear that we got in more arguments because we couldn't hear each other than what we actually said! Enjoy your time together, but enjoy your time apart. Even though it's hard, this can be a time to grow yourself (and his self). Figure out who you are, what you want while you don't have him around. I did a lot of things that I know I would not have done had he been around because I would rather hang out w/ him! It gives you time to not only invest in yourself, but your friends in a way you might not be able to if he's around.
2. How much fun we have being around each other all the time. Even though we don't live together yet, we spend a lot of time together (we work around the corner from each other and I have few friends here!) I was worried that because we got so used to not seeing each other as much that once we were together daily, it would be bad. It's only gotten better!
3. The only time I have mixed drinks is when I'm out and my go-to is vanilla stoli/diet coke.
1) If you could give your ONE best piece of advice for a someone else in a LDR, what would it be?
I have to second the bee's before me that said to have an end-goal - it really helps to have a point at which you can say "this will be over and we will be together".
2) What's been the most unexpected aspect of your LDR turning into an SDR?
The most unexpected aspect? Hm. There really wasn't anything too unexpected, mostly because I was prepared for just about anything. I think the most unexpected part has been that we still have to set aside time to talk - otherwise we end up just sitting together doing separate things!
3) Favorite mixed drink? (just for funsies!)
Soco and Lime! Love it.
1) MSN almost every night for at least 2 hours during the week. You talk and talk and talk. If this doesnt get you to know one another nothing will.
2) MSN some more. My guy and I met online on Lavalife and talked for at least 4 hours every night for a month before meeting. no webcam no funny business. After we met we continued to talk everynight during the week and then took turns travelling to one anothers houses on weekends. we lived about and hour and a half apart. That was 3 years ago. We have been living together for a year and a half. He finally proposed after about a year of living together. He tells me he had to make sure I was the right one, and then took a LONG time to save up for the ring LOL.
3) vanilla cruzan rum with coke ;-)
Oh crap I forgot to mention all the naughty texts we sent all day long HAHAHHAHAA - kept it fun while away! ;-)
Holla!
Did 2 years of hard time in a long distance relationship, so been there, done that, and survived to get the t-shirt!
1) If you could give your ONE best piece of advice for a someone else in a LDR, what would it be?
Hands down the most important thing was communication. Mr. DG hates talking on the phone. Despises it. I don't love it much either... but a 3 day a week 10 minute conversation wasn't cutting it after a year or so. We had to set some clear communication expectations and stick to them.
We nearly had a meltdown at about a year and 11 months. I just didn't know how I could keep going like that. It was going to be make or break unless one of us was able to make a move.
I didn't want our relationship to end, so I did a bunch of internet research. I found this site, and I don't think I'm overstating that some of the exercises we were able to download and work through together really helped save the relationship. Here's the link:
http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/
We both took the seperation inventory, read the chapter that was available online and participated in a research project that we found through the site (it's completed now). I really appreciated the insights I gained. For us, we found some communication plans that worked for us and we stuck to it.... and it got us through the hard times.
2) What's been the most unexpected aspect of your LDR turning into an SDR?
It went more smoothly than I thought it would, but I really had to let go of my house being "my" place and make physical space for him here. My house became our house, but not without a few bumps in the road... The biggest of which was that we weren't offiically engaged until 4 months after he moved in. That was tough for me, but I had so much faith in us, that I was willing to give it time. I had to essentially be engaged for all intents and purposes without having the assurance of engagement. It was tough, but working through all the LDR stuff already made it so much easier to deal with.
3) Favorite mixed drink? (just for funsies!)
I'm simple. I like gin and tonic or a gin gimlet.
1) We were apart for 4 years for college. While communication seems to be the most obvious, I think it's more that you have to have your own lives. Don't be afraid to build up networks of people and things that you like in whatever town you're in. When he's there, share. I think it allowed us to not get too caught up in how hard it was to be apart and instead focus on how that was one part of a good life.
2) We saw each other for breaks, etc, but basically went from a LDR to living together. The most unexpected thing for me was how easy it was. We had changed a lot (everyone does!) and we were both a bit nervous about the whole endeavor, even as we were sure it was right, but it just worked. And I think that's how you know it'll be ok, even as you fight.
3) I love old-fashioneds :)
1) My best advice for someone in an LDR would be communication, communication, communcation. Oh and don't play games and always be honest. Communication is so important and the best thing you can do when you can't be in the same place is to make sure that you communicate, openly, honestly and often! Don't play games b/c what is the point? This goes back to communication..instead of being coy about something tell him exactly how you feel. They all really tie in together;)
2) The most unexpected aspect? I had NO idea he was allergic to making the bed! No (but seriously!;) I'd say the most unexpected aspect is probably just HOW easy it all is! I'm not going to lie and say "oh life is perfect, we never fight and we sleep on a bed of roses"...but I think one of the benefits of us starting out in a long distance relationship is that we learned how to communicate and we became best friends. We know how to listen to one another and our love grows more every day!
3) Favorite mixed drink? I'd have to say a good Margarita! I'm probably more of a wine or beer drinker, but a good Marg on a hot day (or a cold day) is pretty amazing!
1) Buy a webcam. Easily the best thing I did! Phone calls are nice, but it just helps that much more when you can actually *see* your SO.
2) The most surprising thing? I guess that would probably be nights - when we were finally able to stay together, there were nights that one (or both) of us just wanted the bed to ourselves! Once we got used to sleeping in the same bed, I was surprised by how much I missed him when he had to leave for a few days. It really was different than when we were used to being apart. Maybe it's because I'm not used to him being gone anymore.
3) Hmm... I'm going to go with a bellini!
1) Make sure you're both committed to the relationship for the long run. Also, talk all the time, like has been said before, for us that meant IM on and off all day, mandatory phone call before bed, occasional letters (which I still cherish to this day, even though that was a few years ago!) etc.
2) The most surprising thing for me is that I love sleeping next to him. I have a hard time sleeping now when he's not there, even if it's just because he's not coming to bed yet and is in the other room. Also, I surprised myself at how much I like taking care of him. Wether it's making him a lunch in the morning or cleaning/doing laundry, I know he really appreciates it and it makes me happy that I'm here to do those things for him instead of four hours away!
3) Favorite mixed drink for me is a Malibu and Pineapple. Mmmmm.
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