Post # 1
Well, that’s it for me bees…
My husband had a sit down with me this week and told me he didn’t want children. It was a really hard conversation to have…I’m 27 and he’s 33..
He’s been giving me tons of mixed signals latlely..and apparently it’s because he was trying to convince himself to actually “want” children.
Before getting married I made it VERY clear that i didnt want to be with him if he didnt want a family with me….now look where it got me anyway. It makes me feel like all the things he’s said to me were a lie and I have trouble accepting that even more than the news itself..if that makes sense.
I’m not baby crazy and I wasnt actually sure I wanted children..but since August I’ve just felt so ready and happy to want his baby and raise him/her together. I feel like he got me to really want a baby and now he’s just taking that option away from me forever.
He feels terrible about it..saying he wants to give me everything I want but that he’d be so miserable if we had a baby and that it would basically *ruin* his life. The issues are limitless…daycare here is not reasonable at all, we have no family nearby to support us and help, we wouldn’t be able to travel as much…we wouldn’t be able to eat out as much, etc. We both have a passion for travel and have been all over the world…and even if i convinced him that we will still travel, he doesnt believe me.
He says our life is perfect like it is now and doesnt want it to change…and as much as I love him, I can’t help but feel *extremely* devasted and depressed..wondering if I’m ok with not having a child and wondering if this need is stronger than my relationship with him. I don’t want a baby, I want *his* baby…*our* baby…but would it be worth all of the financial sacrifices? Us not travelling as much? …arg..I’m terribly confused.
Anyways, I just wanted to thank all of you great bees and wishing you all a fun and loving journey while TTC :o) I’m not sure what the future holds for me and DH but I’m sure we’ll be able to get through this and continue being happy as individuals and as a couple.
Post # 3
Wow. It sounds like your husband blindsided you big time.
Have you considered counseling? A therapist could help him work through his concerns about childcare, travel, etc. It could be that he’s genuinely worried about those things, or it could be that he’s actually afraid of being a parent for some other reason. I think a professional could help the two of you figure that out.
And also, you’re still young, so maybe in a few years you’ll BOTH feel ready to start trying again.
But in the meantime, I think you need to seek counseling, ASAP. Good luck.
Post # 4
@WishfulThinker: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think that you should consider counseling. If you plan on trying to be okay with not having a child then counseling will help you and give you tools to deal with it. Just remember that having a child doesn’t make you a family. You are a family already and if you and your partner are strong in your relationship you will have a wonderful life. Good luck!
Post # 5
I am so sorry your DH brought this up after getting married. I dont have any input. I know I would feel betrayed. Again, I am sorry and hopefully, like you said, you both can work this out. GL
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you are in this situation, i think as the pp said, have you guys looked into counselling. Also is the not wanting any children his last decision on the matter? or is there anything that would help him change his mind?
We’re all here, if and when you need to talk ((hugs))
Post # 7
@WishfulThinker: Oh my god. That’s awful. That’s the most selfish thing in the world. I agree with pp, that’s like the definition of “blindside”.
I think I would have to leave DH if he just up and “decided” that he didn’t want kids or that they’d “ruin his life”. It’s almost like saying that you’d never cheat on your partner and you promise that before you get married, and then you just up and decide you want to be swingers.
I hope you guys get some therapy to get through this. DH and I have been TTC for about 7 months and if he just decided the same thing on me….he might just be out the door.
Post # 9
Wow. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Like you, not wanting kids would be a deal breaker in a significant other. I can’t imagine how I would feel if my husband did this to me. Keep your chin up, you’ll figure this out!!
Post # 10
@WishfulThinker: I’m sorry. That was really bad of him to almost blideside you like that.
That being said he is speaking to a lot of the reasons why a lot of couples do choose to be childfree. I would say counseling might help him sort out feelings, but what if he gets wishy washy again? I don’t know that he would truly be a capable dad if he hems and haws over whether or not he wants kids. Perhaps counseling can sort that out, but if not can you truly live with never having kids?
My friend tried and couldn’t, and she realized the want of having children was greater than being with who she was with. She ended up finding a guy who does want more kids thankfully.
I wish you the best of luck. Counseling wouldn’t hurt as a first step, but after that if he just doesn’t want them you need to either accept that and be happy otherwise or make some tough decisions.
Post # 11
@WishfulThinker: I’m jumping in to agree with all the other bees who mentioned counseling. I think that is your best option here, especially since DH already knew this was a big deal for you going in. not only can the counselor help him work through it, they can help you too. I had a very close friend go through this recently and, let’s just say, it is kind of odd for a man to change his tune so suddenly. So, I would do some hard thinking about whether or not you were turning a deaf ear to what he was saying before marriage or to figure out the real reason why he is, all the sudden, not ok with kids. I hate to be the one to turn this all in a different direction but it may not just be cold feet before fatherhood.
Post # 12
@WishfulThinker: Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I can’t imagine….I would be devastated. I similarly told my DH when we were first dating that kids are a deal-breaker for me – I’ve always wanted to be a mom. If he just up and changed his mind, I don’t know that I’d be able to live with that decision. I’ll echo PPs and suggest you both get some counseling – either way, you’re going to need someone to help you work through your thoughts and emotions. If you aren’t ready to accept the no kids decision, a good counselor may help you two get to the bottom of your husband’s feelings about kids. If you are, it’s not going to be an easy switch to flip to go from seeing your future as one with children to one without.
Whatever you decide, know that you can come here for support/advice/to vent. And good luck.
Post # 13
Damn, that is just shit. I’m not sure I have the best advice, but I would communicate everything you’re feeling to him as best you can. It’s fine to say what his hang-ups are, but you’re a couple and what you both want matters equally. He’s had his say, make sure you have yours. Ultimately, if you are both firmly entrenched in your choice then you have two options. Someone has to concede to what the other person wants, or you go your separate ways and try to find a partner with the same desires as you. If children are something you are very serious about then please, don’t just accept that he doesn’t want them so you can’t have them. Spending your life resenting him will not make you happy and if it were me, that’s exactly what would happen.
Post # 14
Honestly, I don’t understand why people would even say to try therapy.
Let me be the odd one out and say at this point, how would therapy help? Help her realize she doesn’t want kids when right now she does? Make him feel like he should try having kids for the sake of their marriage ? That’s what this really breaks down to when you think about it. Therapy won’t be all like ok…so you guys will be fine, let’s make it work. No. it WON’T work. She wants kids, and he doesn’t. This will effect the rest of their lives. End of story.
You married into a lie essencially. He doesn’t want kids, and even therapy won’t change that. Even if he magically does, who’s to say he won’t resent it down the road?
I feel so horrible for you! I couldn’t stay in a marriage like that.
Post # 15
@WishfulThinker: I’m so sorry your going through this. I couldn’t imagine how that discussion would go if my DH told me that. I hope you and your DH can work through this together and hopefully one day he will change his mind. Sending you lots of hugs.
Post # 16
@BellaDee: +1, exactly what I was going to say.
@WishfulThinker: I’m sorry you are going through this, in the end what you do is your decision, I just hope you choose to do what’s best for you.