Post # 1
I think I finally get it when they say that living together before a marriage is more likely to end in a divorce… Maybe some of those people knew it wasn’t quite right going into it, maybe something was off, but the idea of moving out was just too daunting. And they convinced themselves (like me) that they would work through the problems and it would never get to a divorce. I always thought that statistic was about the couples who moved in together out of necessity of “splitting the bills.” Or one forced it on the other, or just something.. I have no idea! It wasn’t like that with us; we made a conscious decision to move in together because it’s what we both wanted. We weren’t forced into it. I always thought that statistic wouldn’t apply to me.
But sometimes I wish we were just boyfriend and girlfriend living in separate houses and it was just EASIER to break up. I am certainly not staying with my fiancé because we live together. Not at all. I love him more than anything and I’m not sure what I want right now. The thought of ending my engagement is really in my mind right now but we have an amazing relationship (he hasn’t done anything to me; we both love each other so much; we just have some serious issues as to what we’re looking for in life) I just wish that the daunting task of moving out on top of breaking up wasn’t part of the equation 🙁 Because it does sway you a little…
Sigh. I just had a massive blow out fight with my fiancé. It comes down to me because he has made it very clear over and over that he does not want to break up, ever, and that he thinks we can work through anything. He is truly amazing and I love him so much but we have been fighting a lot lately. I’m just feeling sad and depressed and I have a lot of soul searching to do.
Post # 3
It sounds like you are just upset because of the argument you just had. Is there anyway you can go away to think for a couple of days? You just need some time to sort of out your feelings and space and solitude would be good right now.
Post # 4
Uhm… i know this is brought up too much over here but… why dont you guys go to couples counceling?
i mean.. you DO love him, don’t you? if you do i dont see why you dont want to work this out… unless you DONT realy love him but keep you saying to yourself that you do.
Things get hard, marriage (or living together) is not all sugar, rainbows and ponies.
Post # 5
How long have you been thinking about this? Before the fight at all? If you have been, I think it’s a pretty good indicator that you’re somehow unhappy. If not, you could just still be angry about the fight.
Post # 6
@S2013: I don’t think living together versus not has too much to do with it. My husband and I lived together for 4 years before our wedding, 1 year of which we bought/owned a home. I guess I still understand where you’re coming from… that it would be easier to break up versus break up/end engagement/move out/etc.
Can you share what this fight was about? If you are seriously considering calling off the engagement and moving out, that’s a big decision…
Post # 7
You have to do what makes you happy in the end. No matter how sweet and nice he may be, if you are not happy it wont work.
You both deserve to be happy, I hope you find that soon.
Post # 8
I have those thoughts every now and then with my fiance – sometimes it seems as if we are so different, how will it ever work? Then I think “If we break up, I’ll have to move out. That’s a lot of hassle!” which is an incredibly stupid perspective, but I understand totally why that statistic around living together and divorce is so high.
I basically laid it all out for my fiance a few months ago – “I have certain goals in life, around work, home, family, travel, etc. So I want you to think about what you want out of life, and we’ll talk about this again in a week – if we can’t compromise, then that’s too bad.” I think it kinda scared him to have an ultimatum like that, and be given a week to think about the rest of his life (he sucks at imagining stuff, so it wasn’t easy for him at all!), and then to have a frank discussion about what we want and where we’re going. It really helped us, and it’s good now to know that I’m not going to marry him and he’ll suddenly say “But I don’t want to have kids for another 10-15 years!” because we’ve discussed this and what we want our timelines to be. There’s still a long way to go, but as long as we’re open and honest, I think it’ll be fine 🙂
Post # 9
we just have some serious issues as to what we’re looking for in life
this really stood out to me. marriage has a lot of compromises but sometimes you can’t compromise on the non-negotiables.
you need to be on the same page when it comes to your future. children and starting a family, finances, goals, etc.
Post # 10
what you’re looking for in life is HUGE! you need to love the person AND your life together. you guys need to sort that out somehow before you get married.
i’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. ending a relationship is difficult, as is moving/uprooting your life. 😮
positive vibes your way… good luck.
Post # 11
Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I don’t know why I posted this; I was just feeling sad and needed to vent. I sometimes feel like my relationship with my fiance is broken beyond repair. I can’t really talk to my mom or sister (my best friends) because I know they will tell me to get over it. My fiance is quite the catch, I should be so lucky to have him. I know nobody is perfect so I need to stop complaining and just be happy. Nobody is perfect (certainly not myself!) but I just worry that our issues are going to create a life of dissapointment and sadness.. I don’t know if they are just normal issues every couple has.
He blows all of my exes out of the water. I have always felt really lucky to have him but last night, for the first time ever, I felt like I didn’t need to be in the relationship anymore and that maybe I wasn’t as lucky as I thought..and maybe I deserved someone better suited for me. That I deserved someone who wasn’t always trying to change me. I used to think it was a good thing because I have some qualities that may be considered difficult; I am not social…I so would rather hang out by myself (he too is happy to just hang out with my dog and I but he also likes his friends to come over which is fine.. I just don’t look forward to it, and he knows it and it makes him sad..) I also do what I want not what is “expected” of me, which ties into being social…etc. So, I always thought being with him was healthy for me because he tries to help me. be more “normal” But last night it just clicked that yeah, so I am this way… But I’m generally happy. He makes me feel bad about being myself when really being myself isn’t that bad.
Also I feel like we’re both Alphas. We’re both strong people who do not like to back down. We both like being in control. We both can’t be the one in control. I feel like to be with him, I need to back down. My mom and my dad are the same way and she had to back down. She actually compares my father (who is an amazing man, don’t get me wrong) to my fiance so I know the comparison is sound. My mom and dad are still married, 30 years later, but my mom has definitely learned to “step down” and I just don’t know if that’s what I want. My parents are happy, my family is wonderful… I just feel like my mom has given up some of herself to be with my dad and I wonder if I will be doing the same. My mom says she doesn’t regret it and she is happy and I know she is telling the truth. I don’t know! Just rambling!
Post # 12
@S2013: He is not a “catch” if he doesn’t value you and you don’t value what he values. That is a superficial way of looking at him.
Post # 13
@FauxPas2012: I was just saying that is how my family see him, but rereading it it doesn’t quite come off that way:
I can’t really talk to my mom or sister (my best friends) because I know they will tell me to get over it. My fiance is quite the catch, I should be so lucky to have him.
What I meant is that’s what they would say to me if I said we were having issues but I understand why you thought *I* was saying that about him. I do think he is a catch but that’s not what I was saying there.
Post # 14
I see what you are saying. Even if a guy was good on paper if being with him meant I had to ” step down” I couldn’t do it. I guess it depends on your personality but I am a very strong person and it would feel soul crushing to have to bow down to a man over and over because his strong personality won out.
Post # 15
Yeah, my fiance is fantastic on paper – good looking, kind, sensitive, smart, great cook, good sense of humour… But I’ve still struggled with him and our goals, etc. As I said before, I think you and your fiance need to have a serious talk (easier said than done, I know!) and lay it all out on the table. What you both want out of life, what you like and dislike about each other, and see what you come away with. If it’s any help, try googling something like “Questions to ask before getting married,” and you should get a good idea of different things that can drive couples apart.
Also, as for the two dominant people in a relationship – that’s perfectly fine! In a marriage, you don’t have one person dominant over the other, and both are more than capable of being dominant if they have the same goals. I would describe it as two horses in harness – if they’re going in opposite directions, you’ll never get anywhere, but if they have the same goals, they can both be equally strong because they’re going the same way.
Post # 16
It may be the case that you have to step down sometimes, and other times, he may have to step down. My Darling Husband and I are both very strong, independent people. There are certain situations I take control of, and there are certain situations he takes control of. I let him drive (“stepping down”) not because I really want him to drive all the time, but becasue he really likes driving the car. It makes him feel manly and in control. By CHOOSING to “step down”, I feel like I really don’t step down, kwim?
If, on the other hand, we fought about something and it was apparent that I would HAVE to step down or never hear the end of it, yeah I would be frustrated and considering the relationship.