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Hi All,
My bf and I have been together almost 8 yrs. Next month, will actually be 8 yrs. Last Dec, he finally wised up and got me a ring. We went to Robbins Bros and I picked out my ring. But he never proposed actually and I guess I assumed that since I got an engagement ring, we were engaged. I was so disappointed that the ring didn't come with a proposal but I disregarded it cos' I was just so happy that he FINALLY got me a ring. So we started planning for a wedding and had even picked 10/10/10 to be married. Fast forward, 4 months later and all this planning - he's started acting weird and moody and has even started drinking a lot. Every time I ask him what's wrong, he tells me "nothing" but continues to be moody. We've been fighting on and off over the past couple of weeks until I finally confronted him and told him to tell me what's going on. He couldn't tell me face to face so he wrote me a letter.
In the letter, it said that the ring was only supposed to be a promise ring cos' he feels he's not really ready for marriage right now. He knows that he should've spoken up sooner before it all got out of hand. I was enraged, mad, disappointed - you name it! In my head, all I can think of was that "I'm not worthy of his love if he can't even marry me." But then I started thinking about it and come to the conclusion, we were never really engaged. He never popped the question and I never said, "Yes". I took the ring as a symbol of his commitment and promise to me. I know people are probably scrutinizing over the amount of time we've been together but now I come to realize as he pointed out that we shouldn't really listen to everyone telling us, "It's about time" but instead ask, "Is it the right time?" Only we can make that decision and will make it once we're ready.
Although, with the unraveling of this whole thing - I also can't help to think and wonder where our relationship is now headed. I mean, I agree with him that we probably are really not ready for marriage right now but he's also brought up the idea of taking some time apart to figure things out. Now call me old-fashioned but I just can't get myself to agree to some "time off". I told him that there are a lot of things that can happen and it's a 50/50 chance that it can make or break the relationship. I don't want to put so much pressure on him to stay in the relationship but I also don't want to let him go. What should I do? What do I need to consider? We've agreed to go to counseling so we can at least get some guidance and direction. Any thoughts on this or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.
So sorry to hear you're going through this after eight years together.
With the information you gave, I'm more inclined to side with you vs him - what's some time apart going to accomplish this late in the game?
What are your ages?
Are you living together? (Do you own the house together?)
Specifically, what are the reasons you think you two may not be ready for marriage at this time? It sounds like you kind of agree with him on that, but I'm curious, after 8 years together, what's still holding you back?
So sorry you're going through this.
I think you've got some level headed thoughts going on and if he's not ready and since you agree than 10/10/10 probably won't work and that's for the best either way it turns out.
Some time apart might help clarify some things, me and my husband did this when we first started dating because we had both just gotten out of long term relationships and just couldnt pull ourselves together but there were some clear rules if he ever wanted to get back together (like no sleeping with other people, though we did both date other people). But a break isn't always the best answer, sometimes you just need to confront issues head on, like ripping off a bandaid if there are direct issues to address. But maybe counseling will help clear up what's the best path.
First of all, I think you should not get married. If one or both of you are not ready, it will be a big mistake to get married now. Are you the type of person that really wants to be married? Would you be happy being in a long term committed relationship that just doesn't have the legal aspects of being married?
Is he saying that he wants to take a break from your relationship to figure it out? I don't think that would be good for you guys this late in the relationship. If he is talking about a break from the wedding, then I agree with that for sure. My husband and I took a break early in our relationship because I had never been in a serious relationship before but I don't know why you would want a break after 8 years together.
That is great that you are going to counseling. I'm sure that will help you to figure out what both of you want from the relationship.
There was obviously a HUUUUUGE miscommunication. You took it to mean more than it was supposed to, he didn't really propose, but he said nothing.
I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him, "if you want to take a break, it's forever" because it's the truth. He's a big boy--he can stay if he wants or not. You aren't pressuring him to stay. But why does he want a break? what does he think it will accomplish? Those are things you guys can talk about. If he's tired of being with you, that's one thing. If he just feels overwhelmed by everything, that's different, ya know? It's easy to feel overwhelmed by life and then say, "ah, my partner is smothering me. i need a break from you!" because it's the easy fix. Even though it may be the wrong one.
But he wants a break from you...maybe the relationship has run it's course if you aren't happy with him. You can't force yourselves to stay together. You're approaching this very logically. But do you love him and want to stay with him? Do you think the issues you need to work out are something that CAN be fixed or not?
I definitely don't think there should be a wedding if you aren't 100% committed to each other and it sounds like you aren't =\
Like prttyflowers, I think some more detail on how old you are and your living situation would help. From everything you are saying so far though, I must admit that I do not understand why after 8 years someone wouldn't know if they were ready to marry you or not.
Im Sorry for what you are going through and I understand that taking a break would be hard .. but if he suggested the break, have you tried talking to him about it? If he mentioned it I dont think he said it just to say it and you cant really force him to stay (like ejs said you cant force yourselves to stay together).
I def think you should have a looong and deep conversation with him about it and try and see why he feels he needs a break from you AFTER SO LONG?!
First, I think it's great for you to go to counseling, and I commend you for recognizing that!
I also agree with the other posters that this isn't the time to get married. I would stop with the planning and focus solely on the relationship. After 8 years together, it's definitely a difficult thing to swallow that your significant other isn't ready for marriage. Are you ready for marriage? If you're happy with the way your relationship was before you guys bought your ring, then maybe that's where you both need to try to get back to. Who cares what anyone else thinks? As long as you're both on the same page with where your relationship is, then that's all that matters.
I think talking with the counselor will help to get some of the issues of your relationship out in the open so that you can work on those first. Then, maybe down the line...someday...you with BOTH be ready for marriage.
Yeah, I mean - If I were you I'd be getting a little fed up. If you really want marriage (which it sounds like you do) and he isn't willing to commit on that level, then I would probably let him go. I know it's easier said than done, but you can't be happy in the relationship at this point if it isn't headed towards marriage and that's not fair to him.
OK I am going to be harsh: DTMFA. (Google this if you don't know what it means.)
If a guy isn't ready after eight years, there's a good chance he'll never be ready. (Unless you guys met when you were thirteen or something.) His behavior has been passive aggressive and cruel. He has not treated you in a loving way.
What he wants is not a break, it's a break up. (Or a trial run break up to see if he can meet someone else, which is the same thing.)
Yes, I could be wrong on all of this, but my instincts tell me I'm right. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. To have someone who would give you the courtesy of proposing, or at least TELLING YOU that they're not proposing. You're missing out on meeting a guy who will be these things by staying with him.
Good luck, and I really hope things work out.
Wow!
Thank you all so much for the advice. I guess to answer some questions. I am 32 and he's 28. We don't own a house or live together. I refused to move in with him until he proposed and I knew that we are going to be married. Otherwise, as cliche as it sounds, I just keep hearing that old adage in my head telling me, "Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free?"
Just a bit more history on our relationship. This is both our first long term relationship. We're both kind of latebloomers. We also lost our virginities to each other. I had told him that I was open to having some time apart but there needs to be limits (i.e., no sleeping around, no dating other people). Because I think that since we've been together all this time, he feels that he's missed out on part of his life and hasn't really "sown his oats yet". I had told him that if we were to go on a break and he ends up sleeping around, then the relationship is over. I just won't be able to forgive him for that and there's really no other way around that for me.
We've tried to sorta take this so-called "break" a few times now and after a few days just end up going back to each other. Call me crazy but I know that there's obviously something special between us which is why we keep coming back to each other. However, I just don't know why he feels the urge or the need that he needs to "explore" before he feels he can really make a commitment to me. I'm just not OK with that and I've told him plenty of times, it's all or nothing.
I don't know if the near future will be an easy one. We have yet to start counseling probably next week. But I know it's a 50/50 thing. We either salvage the relationship or we part our separate ways. I guess deep down, I'm still wishing for a happy ending. That even though we're not getting married this year, we're at least working towards that some time in the future.
Seems pretty clear, either he gets over wanting to "sow oats" and marries you, or you go your separate ways now. I'm not sure what he intends to accomplish on the break if not to be with other women, since it sounds like that's his major concern.
If you do go on a break/break up, I'd suggest cutting all contact for at least several months. There's always a chance when he has to go through actually losing you, he'll change his tune. But if you keep in contact, he never really has to process the loss, and it won't have the same effect.
It'll be interesting to get your counselor's take on what the next steps are.
i can understand and forgive some of things he is saying perhaps but there is one big thing that is really bugging me. you say you all settled on a date of 10/10 and you've doing all this planning for months, yet he didn't feel the need to say something to you during all this time. and even then he still can't tell you - he had to write it in a letter. it just sounds like he is kind of immature and obviously needs more communication skills. i agree with the previous poster that said he has not treated you in a loving way and has created a situation that might humiliate and embarass you and your family.
and again, 8 years is a long time to still be unsure. yes, you keep coming back to each other all the time - that does mean there is something there - whether that thing is good or bad or healthy/unhealthy is a different issue. counseling is a great idea but keep in mind that counseling is meant to figure out if your relationship is on the right track or not - good outcomes in counseling doesn't always mean you end up together at the end of it.
so sorry you are dealing with all of this. good luck.
You haven't mentioned this yet but I thought I'd throw it out. If you've already booked vendors for the 10/10/10 date and don't want to lose money in case things change, then I would call your vendors and let them know that you're postponing the wedding. I did this with my first engagement. He and I needed time to sort things out and we didn't want to lose money and we didn't want money to be a factor hanging over our decision.
I think taking the time for both of you is a good idea. Wishing you the best
If I understood what you said in the 2nd post - it sounds like he's not ready to be in a committed relationship (ie: wanting to see what else is out there). There's no use in trying to salvage the relationship if he isn't ready. It will be a losing battle. I'm SO sorry you are going through this. You may very well be the very best thing for him - but, if he doesn't see that, then holding on to him tightly will only strangle him and not be a good foundation for marriage.
Has he actually told you he wants to see what else is out there? If he has, then I'd say, count your blessings that he was up front with you and you weren't married when he found the itch.
I know eight years is a LONG time to invest in someone - but, there is no point in making it nine years, only to discover that he doesn't really want to be committed to you.
It's ok to have dealbreakers - ie: you wanting a commitment. If he isn't ready, perhaps it's time for you to move on.
Hang in there, sweetie. I know it's not easy.
We're kind of lucky that we haven't really contracted any vendors except for the hotel and the church. We've lost some $$$ for the hotel but that's OK cos' his parents paid for it. So we don't really have any other vendors that we need to cancel, which is great cos' it saves us the headache.
I really appreciate the advice that people have given me so far. I've gotten a lot of food for thought. I have a lot of things to think about before I make my decision. And I'm sure that it will all come in to play when we do counseling together.
For now, I'm gonna take it easy and pray cos' that's really all I can do. I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of trying to figure out what he's thinking of. I want to think that this is all going to end up in a good way but I know that there is a possibility it could also all end and I need to get myself ready for that cos' I know it won't be pretty and it will be a hard time to go through. Please keep me in your prayers and all those going through the same problem as I'm going through.
Thank you.
In my opinion, if you have been together eight years and already slept together I think that is long enough to figure out if you want to marry someone.
In regards to the milk and the cow, you said that you lost your virginities to each other. My understanding of that phrase means he is already getting the milk.
I also agree with prettyflowers that if you are going to do a break you need to make it a total one, not just a date other people break.
I agree in that he's not ready to be in a permanent committed relatiomship. Taking a break would just regress the relationship and it's just not something you do when you're with somenoe who you want to be with for the rest of your life. It's probably not what you want to hear but it would not be to your benefit to wait around for him to be ready. If at 28 he can't decide whether or not to marry you then maybe it'll never happen. To be honest with you, I don't think it's fair of him to be strining you along like this and not be fully honest with you. After 8 years together that is something you deserve.
My friend's situation could mirror yours to a tee. The difference is that my friend is actually married to this person. They've been together for a long time (since college) and got married after graduating. My friend is an amazing person. Anyone would be so lucky to be with my friend.
But my friend's SO decided that they needed to "find their way" and felt that they hadn't fully experienced relationships/life b/c they'd been together when they were younger. The SO decided that they needed a break and will be taking one for over half a year and see what happens then. Meanwhile my friend is completely heart broken b/c they love the SO so much. Clearly my friend doesn't want them to divorce and is holding out hope. Meanwhile SO gets to "sow their oats" and do whatever the eff they want, which is completely an unfair advantage. SO really is just stringing my friend along and is basically holding them emotional hostage. Everyone is hoping that my friend ends up moving on and finding a fantastic person who will appreciate them.
Whatever you end up deciding, make sure that you're looking out for your interests and do what right for you and your future as well. Now is as good a time as ever to be selfish. :)
I'm going to be a little harsh in saying that this relationship is pretty much over. If he's not ready to marry you now, he probably won't ever be ready.
Just because you keep coming back to each other doesn't mean that it is a good thing. That's just like a drug addict who keeps coming back to drugs.
I can't tell you what to do in your relationship, but I will keep you in my prayers.
From an outsider's perspective it seems like he doesn't want to marry you, but he is scared to lose you all together. I doubt this will change to be honest - you have been together long enough, are old enough, - I know others who have gone through this, and they break up after 10 years and within a few years the guy has married someone else. He probably really loves you but somewhere deep inside, he knows he doesn't want to marry you. sorry if this is harsh, and obviously I don't know you guys, but its just my perspective based on what you wrote....
I just find it ironic that after all this time of growing up together and making so many memories together, he's scared to grow old with me. He's started acting moody again and sort of started isolating himself. And as much as I want to confront him and try to talk to him, I stopped myself. I just didn't want to start another fight. It just feels like when he's in one of his "moods", he's just begging for another argument or another fight.
I am coming to terms with reality. It is a slow and painful process as I try to really comprehend and take everything in to consideration. Today, is the first day that I will be seeing the therapist and will make an appt for the both of us hopefully later on this week. In the midst of all this, I realize that my heart and my head are at a constant battle. The heart wants what it wants but my head and my logic tell me that it's not good for me.
It is nice to find some support in this forum. It has helped me to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but right now is still so dim for me. I will try to keep moving forward until I can fully see that light and learn to live for me once again.
Thank you all!
OK, I know I am always the harsh one. But I hear about your situation, and I think of a past relationship I had. My ex also wanted "a break." And I let him take it. That was one of the biggest regrets of my life. The predictable thing happened -- he went out and slept with another girl and I was devastated. Even though people told me that would happen, I thought "no, he loves me -- he's going to realize it." But I was wrong. He did just what everyone said he would and slept with some girl. And you know what I regret? Not that we ended up breaking up, not even that I was in a huge amount of pain. What I regret is losing my dignity by agreeing to a "break." If a guy wants a break, he no longer wants to be with you, plain and simple. And instead of accepting that, I decided to call it a "break" and pretend he wasn't really breaking up with me. I, of course, spent those months waiting for him to call, not dating, and generally acting like his doormat. Never again!
I know you probably don't want to hear that, but if I could go back and change one big decision in my life, it would be indulging my ex in this idea of a "break." I deserved better. I didn't deserve to be treated like his "plan B." You deserve better. You deserve more than to be "put on the back burner."
Tell him if he wants a break, it's absolutely permanent. If he loves you he won't want a break -- he'll want to marry you.
Good luck hon.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It's been my experience that the tighter you hold onto a guy, the harder they pull. I would loosen the reigns. Give him a break if that is what he wants, and do NOT sit at home feeling sorry for yourself during that time. Go out and enjoy your life. If he sees that, it is more likely that he will come back to you. Men don't like clinging...not saying that is what you are doing, but he might be feeling that way. Men are strange creatures!
I think you need to study yourself first in this situation. I'm just get the impression that he cant handle the relationship anymore and certainly isn't ready for marriage.
Really do you want the break?I get the feeling like your justifying his feelings ahead of yours. I think you need to sit him down and ask him exactly where this relationship is going, 'dont try to spare my feelings just tell me where you see us going'
Then ask yourself if you can accept the answer. IMHO I think after a period of 8 years he should know what he wants. Whats bothering him about marriage, why does he need the break? This might be something you need to bring up in counselling or seriously consider yourself.
I think you may want a little more than he's willing to give, and should try to do whats best for you, whatever that may be. I hope counselling helps though, but I think most important is that you need to communicate with him make sure you're on the same page, or at least working on getting there. If not I think you may need to consider moving on.
One more thing, If you do take the break, I agree with not keeping in contact. Dont just see it as him getting time out to figure out what he wants, think of it as time for you to realign your goals and figure out what you want in a relationship.
I will keep you in my prayers, and just wanted to say that above all God has everthing planned out, and its just for you to bring yourself into alignment with this.
Keep strong, dont let this weaken your faith and know that whatever the outcome you are not facing it alone.
Good luck, (your story really appealed to me) Hope everything works out for the best.
After reading your last post, I'm with Chicagobride on this one (BTW...HILAROUS acronym!) - usually, when people want a "break" they want to go out and see what else is out there. I think he's making himself clear with his moodiness that he wants a break from you so that he can sleep with other people and sow his wild oats. It's really a shame, especially after 8 years together, but you absolutely need to make it clear that you won't be waiting around for him when he realizes you were the one for him. I know it's not the easiest thing to hear, and it's so easy for us to tell you to ditch him, but I hope that your counseling session is helpful to you.
So sorry he's doing this to you after so long together.
I was in your shoes going on "breaks" with my BF who wanted time off to do "some soul searching before taking the relationship to the next level" I wasted 4 years, and finally when I hit 30 I had enough. Shortly after that I met my husband who was 10 years younger than my ex mind you. He did not need to take "breaks" and was able to propose after a year and half.
Sounds like your BF wants to experience other relationships and girls especially since you were his first and only. You are 32, stop wasting your pretty and your youth on someone that doesn't want the same thing as you. The faster you get over him the closer you will be to having a wedding with someone that doesn't need breaks! 8 years you either sh*t or get off the pot.
I can't tell you what is really going on, but I am personally a huge believer feeling 100% sure that you want to be with your partner forever. If you don't have that knowing feeling, even if you love each other and have a lot of history together, that means it isn't meant to be. If your FI still is not ready and has doubts about being with you permanently, then I honestly think he doesn't love you or feel committed to you in the way that a life partner should. After 8 years, he should confidently know he wants to marry you, and the fact that he needs "a break" really means that he doesn't really want this relationship, in his heart of hearts. Like others have said, he is just too scared to really move on without you. That is evident from the fact he was too afraid to tell you he didn't want to be really engaged.
So yeah, bottom line - I know it must be heartbreaking but this relationship is going nowhere and your boyfriend is not ever going to give you what you need. It will be hard, but you should move on rather than letting him continue to waste your time.
I feel he brought you the ring to keep you quiet. He couldn't even tell you the intention behind it. There is no communication there. How can he be so unsure of you and your relationship after all these years?
You know, no matter what happens don't think you'll be throwing away 8 years of your life. It was 8 happy years.
Think about this though: you deserve someone who loves you with a passion, who can't wait to marry you.
Now you know where you stand - don't waste another minute. I'm the same age as you, and I can say that we're not getting any younger. How long until he wants to get married? How long after that will you have to wait for kids? What if you give it another 5 years, become 37 and he's still unsure? The God honest truth is that the longer you wait to have kids the riskier it gets. I'm in the same boat.
Go find what it is you desire, because you deserve it. :)
All the best.
Thank you all for the great advice that you've given regarding my situation. I have made a firm decision and have ended things between us . . permanently. It really hurt to be the one to walk away but I was sure that he wasn't going to do it so I mustered up all courage and told him that we were through. I gave him back his ring and the keys to his place. This time I wanted to show him that it was for real. It's only been a few days and I miss him terribly. I thought I was doing OK and coping as best as I can and last night, I cried the hardest I've had since the break up. It was such a hard decision to make but I know it's what's best. He tried to stop me from doing it by saying that this isn't what he wanted. He never wanted to break up. He just needed some time to himself. And I told him that as hard as it is for me to accept it, I have to let him go and give his freedom. I couldn't stick around and wait for him to "figure it all out". It would've been too painful for me. Although, I'm still hopeful that there will be a happy ending for the both of us, I realize I can't put my life on hold just for him. You all are right. I have had 8 years with him. It wasn't all bad so I'm thankful for the time we had together. I just wish this all didn't have to happen but I do believe that there's a reason for everything. I just need to be strong and have faith in God that this is the path I'm supposed to be on. For now, I'm taking it one day at a time. It's hard but I know time will heal all wounds.
I think you made the right decision. It is so tough to break up with someoe but it really seemed like things were not going to get better in your relationship.
Hi,
I just read your post and your backstory. First, hugs. Second, be strong.
Two years ago, I left my boyfriend of 8 years because he would not commit to a life together. I wanted to be married, settle down, and have a life together, but he wasn't ready. That had been going on for about 2 years before the day I finally walked away from the relationship. If he wasn't ready to marry me after 8 years together, he was never going to be ready to marry me. And would I really want to marry someone who could know me, love me, and share in that much of my life for so long - but still not be sure about me? No.
Long story short, the first few months were horrible. I cried all the time. I lost weight. I hated being alone, and had to convince myself not to call him, to tell him I was sorry and try to get him back. Eventually, I joined a gym and starting going out with friends, and tried to make new friends who weren't part of our old circle. It started to get easier, and I could really see that what I had done was one of the strongest and most important steps of my life.
Then I met my fiance one day when I was least expecting it - at a bowling alley with friends. We clicked immediately. He asked me out for coffee and we dated for about 7 months, when he suddenly proposed after dinner one evening. I was surprised, but nothing but sure about my answer. After 7 months together, I knew I wanted to share the rest of my life with this man. After 8 years with the last one, I wasn't even sure if I could have said yes if he'd asked.
Like tobin said, you deserve someone who will love you passionately. No matter how difficult it is right now, it will get better, and there is someone out there who will really love you the way you deserve to be loved. Nothing makes you see how wrong a past relationship was like finding something so right.
Sorry I'm late to the thread. This is going to sound super judgey, but I find that sometimes couples who lose their virginities to each other have trouble separating because the sex is comfortable and the idea of finding a new partner is scary. Not to say that it's all about sex, but just something to think about. I was totally that girl. I dated a guy for a few months and we spent a solid year breaking up. My advice in that situation is to make sure you don't sleep with him after you break up unless you have both decided you want to get back together.
It sounds like you're making the right decisions. I'm sure you'll find happiness when you put this behind you. This experience will help teach you to put yourself first. Maybe keep the therapy appointment though to debrief?
Good Luck!
**HUGS**
I have to say, congratulations on being so STRONG! I can only imagine how hard the decision was, but it seems like you made the right one and did what was best for yourself. That takes real courage and you should be proud of yourself!
Best of luck as you heal and move on with your life. Something amazing awaits you I'm sure!
Y:ou did the right thing. I know it's hard but it will get better. Sometimes it's hard to do what needs to be done, but better now than after a few more years of him "deciding" if he's ready.
OK so I guess I should give an update on the situation.
After I broke it off, I didn't think I was going to live another day. It hurt to even be alive. I was crying non-stop and missing him terribly but I tried to remain positive and kept my focus forward. I was still on the "rollercoaster ride" . . happy that I made the decision, mad and angry cos' he didn't even try to stop me. Angry cos' he didn't even attempt to contact me and reconcile. So with that in mind, I decided to send out an email to all the people in the guest list that the wedding's off. I did it so I can finally move fwd with my life. Well, I thought I was doing fine until the next day I get a call from him. He asked if we can meet up that night and talk. I know I shouldn't have picked up the phone and I know I should've have agreed to meet him. I'm still kicking myself in the butt on that one. So I went to his place and he apologized for acting the way he did. That he never really wanted a break up but really just some time to figure himself out. And that he FINALLY realized that he loves me and wants to make a commitment to me.
Although, my guard was still up, I was overjoyed to hear that from him. He took the ring out of the box that I gave him and he got down not just on one knee but both and this time really proposed. I was a little hesitant but said 'yes' nonetheless. So I guess that meant we're 're-engaged"? Well, fast forward to the next day and I called him to tell him that he can't really be coming to my house for a while because my mom is still upset over what happened. He totally blew up and was super mad. Yesterday, when I tried to talk to him - he refused and just ignored me. I asked him "what now? what happens to us?" and he answered, "i dunno". I'm soooo confused. I've decided to just kinda spend some time apart again in hopes that he'll come to and realize that he needs to fight for me, for our love. It's so hard because I'm stuck in the middle. I mean I love him but I also only have one mother. So if he really wants this and he wants to be with me, I told him that he's gonna have to talk to her and kinda patch things up.
I really didn't think it was gonna take such a turn for the worse. I thought my problems were solved once he realized this is really what he wanted. Now it just seems like it's more complicated than ever and I really dunno if he'll come back to me. What do you guys think?
Wow. He caused this mess and he's angry that other people see it your way? That others see a bit more clarity?
What bothers me about this guy is he is unable to communicate with you his feelings.
And what bothers me also is his feelings of needing to get "out there" and see what it's like dating around or doing whatever. That's not the behavior of a loving and committed bf or fiance at all.
You did wonderfully by calling his bluff and ending things(good for you) and he didn't like it apparently, so he maneuvered again and did the official engagement and then even after that he goes back into "i dunno" mode and gets angry b/c you told people what he did.
If he can't take the heat, get out of the frying pan is what I'd say to him. If your family believed their daughter was getting married, I think they sure the heck did deserve to know you called it off and why. Why save face for him? I sure wouldn't.
Personally, I'd take a long while and just have no contact with him. I'd give the ring back again, and say that you didn't know it came with certain terms and that he still didn't seem decisive and you're not going to give your heart or life or any more of your time to somebody who is not 100 percent in it with you.
I'd hang out with friends, family, and do new things. Book a vacation for yourself, and just focus on you and healing, NOT on what this guy is/is not doing. Heck, he doesn't even know.
Question: is there any possibility he's met somebody? I mean, this behavior is very unusual he's exhibiting. Imho, after 8 years he should know he wants to be with you or not. Is he in or out?
But what I'd do is make this your choice. Maybe this guy in time will come around. Maybe he won't. Maybe there is somebody far better than him out there who will be the one who loves you always and puts you above all others and cannot wait to marry you.
He may very well be counting on having you wait around for him while he goes out and attempts to decide if dating around is fun for him, or if he wants to be with you. Personally, I'd give him his walking papers, the ring back, and tell him to contact me when he grows the heck up. I'd tell him that I wasn't waiting around anymore, and that maybe you'll be single or maybe you won't if and when he ever did grow up and calls you back. And I'd tell him exactly what I told my ex husband when I had him move out (found out he cheated)...I said "there's no such thing as a short break...a break happens when its' broken."
It's time to focus on you. Many, many hugs! So glad btw that you didn't lose any $ on wedding down payments.
Honestly if he doesn't realize that his actions go beyond hurting you he's still not done thinking. When you jerk someone around like that you jerk around everyone else that's involved in your life. You're not the only one he has to 'make things right' with and he needs to man up and admit that he really screwed up and make it better. If he's not willing to do that then he doesn't deserve you. /2cents
Thank you guys!
Yes. I do agree he's still got some major growing up to do. And as far as someone else, I guess he thought he would've been out there partying and hitting the bars but the minute I gave him his freedom, he changed his mind. He said he couldn't imagine life without me. I guess I'm glad but you all are right. He's got a lot of emotional growing up to do. We are actually going to in counseling. In hopes that we can move forward or at least figure out what works best for us now.
It's going to be hard because I know that I'm gonna be stuck in the middle for a while until things boil over. It's very tiring and draining trying to figure all this out. I'm hoping that with enough time, it'll all be OK.
Pls feel free to share your other thoughts on this. I'm always open to them.
Thanks.
I wonder if maybe the problem is more than he has some "growing up to do". I think seeing a counselor is a really good idea because his behavior swings seem very extreme and there may be some mental health issues here as well.
If that turns out to be the case, don't feel like you must stick around because that is a huge decision to make.
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