Can a marriage survive separation???

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

@ILPrincess:  Was it an isolated incident of cheating? Or was it ongoing?  Is he still in contact with the women/woman he cheated with?

 

You also mentioned he was abusive.  Emotionally or physically?  I would not consider getting back with him if he was abusive, especially with children involved.

Post # 5
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

It can. My dad and his wife were sperated and are still together now, 21 years later. He did cheat on her, and as a result I was born. I think they were seperated at that point though. Actually, my dad has told me that having a child puts a massive strain on the relationship at first, and I think that the stress was what caused their seperation in the first place.

If he’s abusive, I don’t know how that would work. First, I’d be worried about a child growing up in that environment, but also it’s not recommended to do couples therapy with someone who is physically abusive, so not being able to do that won’t help. If he wants to get his temper under control, anger management could help, I do know one guy who used to be physically abusive, but went to anger management and doesn’t do that anymore. He needs to want to change though. Then once that’s under control couples councelling might be helpful to regain trust between you both.

Personally, I’d be gone. He cheated, is physically abusive and is a liar. I can’t imagine any positives outweighing those 3 things.

Post # 7
Member
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ILPrincess:  If you’re talking emotional, verbal or physical abuse – then I do not think you shoud even TRY to get back together.  That stuff is deep rooted and takes professionals to help him to be whole again.

 

“He said he would go to anger management but he said that once before. He has never slapped or punch me. Just grabbed my arms, choked me once and pushed me. But I have hurt him too.”

 

Does he grab or choke other people like at his work place, in a store?  No?  Then anger management is NOT going to do diddly squat.  If he doesn’t do this to strangers or people at a store, then he obviously knows what he’s doing to you.  I don’t think any of that is acceptable or worth going back to honestly.

 

I highly recommend you read the book “Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft.  You need to be educated on some things regarding abuse.

 

Post # 8
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t believe in separation or breaks. Marriages face all kinds of challenges and you need to work together, not run away from them. However, in situations of abuse and cheating, I wouldn’t want to work it out. Some relationships are not worth saving. My own happiness, safety, and sanity are more important than any man.

Post # 9
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@ILPrincess:  I really don’t mean to sound judgemental — but raising your baby in a home where there is abuse is the worst possible life for that child. If you have had to “get away” from your husband, that means you have felt physically threatened by him. And it’s always just a matter of time until the abuser begins threatening and abusing the child in addition to yourself. Get out, get a lawyer, and hash out the details in court. Your child deserves better.

Post # 10
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My parents were separated for a year before I was born ( their 3rd and last kid) and they are still together, happily. HOWEVER, my dad had some growing up to do and got his priorities straight. Your situation is so much more than that. My parents weren’t dealing with emotional or physical abuse. That’s another level I honestly don’t see getting better. In his old age, my DHs dad no longer beats his wife (or my DH) in his old age but he certainly dishes out the emotional abuse decades later and is just overall not a great person. Some people simply don’t deserve to be in a relationship. 

Post # 11
Member
989 posts
Busy bee

@ILPrincess:  I have a friend who went through a really rocky time in her marriage. She and her husband separated for about 6 months. It looked like it was over with no going back. But in time, they realised that their marriage was worth fighting for, and they went to couples counselling to get back on track. A couple of years later, they are very happy, they have a newfound respect for each other, and they now have a baby. To see the people they were in the lead up to the separation, and to see them now, they’re completely different people. So in some cases, separation does work, things can improve for the better. But neither of them was abusive or violent. They just got to a point where they almost despised each other, they weren’t getting along at all, and the separation saved their marriage.

Post # 12
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@sienna76:  

“He said he would go to anger management but he said that once before. He has never slapped or punch me. Just grabbed my arms, choked me once and pushed me. But I have hurt him too.”

 

Does he grab or choke other people like at his work place, in a store?  No?  Then anger management is NOT going to do diddly squat.  If he doesn’t do this to strangers or people at a store, then he obviously knows what he’s doing to you.  I don’t think any of that is acceptable or worth going back to honestly.

I agree!!!

@OP – I know you’ve said you’ve done things too, but I wouldn’t stand for any kind of abuse. I’d be gone.

Post # 14
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If he choked you, DO NOT EVER GO BACK. Choking is the step of abuse right before killing you.

Post # 15
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@ILPrincess:  My dad’s friends have been seperated for about 10 months, they are moving back in together next week. I think in order for the marriage to work you both need to seek counseling individually but go as a couple as well. You should also file for a legal seperation so you can get court ordered child support.

Post # 16
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

No marriage should survive abuse. You shouldn’t be rooting for this marriage to survive if there was abuse involved.

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