Post # 1
I am stuck at the age old question of can men and women be friends. I recently made some new friends since I relocated 2 years ago, 2 of these new friends are men. One is actually a former work colleague and despite him often over sharing about his dating life, there is not an issue. However, the other male freind who I met in a class at the gym is the problem. Maybe because we first knew each other only covered in sweat, there was a comfort level from the beginning where I felt like I knew him forever and we started to hang out outside of sports. He introduced me to a lot of people when I was in a new city.
I really have fun with this guy and value his friendship which has only strenthened over the past 2 years. But, he recently declared that he has feelings for me that he would like to act on. I pointed out that I am happily married so that is not an option and he didn’t just drop it. We had a serious conversation over dinner last week and he has agreed to respect my wishes and boundaries. What troubles me is that he made it very clear that he will be there for me in case I change my mind. I told him I need that door to remain shut. Can we continue to be friends or is this a slippery slope kind of situation now that his feelings are out in the open? I very much want to continue the friendship but not at the expense of my marriage. I keep asking myself how I would feel if the situation was reversed and my husband had a female friend who wanted more from him and I would not be happy for him to hang out with her one on one. I should also note this other guy has ducked out of recent social event when he knew my husband would be present despite having gotten along previously.
Post # 2
VanillaNut: I think a married woman can be friends with a single man if both parties are only seeking friendship. In your situation, it could get tricky, especially since this guy doesn’t seem to have much respect for your marriage.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
Agree with the PP. I would feel as if continuing a friendship with this guy would be disrespectful to my DH, and would end it.
Post # 4
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
VanillaNut: To the general question, of course men and women can be friends.
However this guy doesn’t want to be your friend, it’s a means to an end for him, an end you say you’re not interested in. Best to walk away.
Post # 5
Yes, I think married women and single men can be friends. Do I think they should? No.
This guy doesn’t respect your marriage, and thus doesn’t respect you; I’d drop him. Plus, how would you feel if the situation were reversed, and it was your DH hanging out with a single girl who didn’t care that he was married? Maybe I”m the jealous type, but I would not be pleased.
I think you’re smart. If you continue to try to keep the friendship, only do it with your husband there and in group settings (not just the three of you). Then, maybe, you have a shot, but I wouldn’t pin any big hopes on it.
Post # 6
For all the reasons the PPs have given, I think this friendship needs to end.
Post # 6
you said, “But, he recently declared that he has feelings for me that he would like to act on.”
VanillaNut: naturally men are hunters. regardless of anything he says after this, he will always look for an in. don’t compromise your marriage for this. it’s not worth it.
yes men and women can be friends, but there has to be a very clearly defined line and everyone should feel comfortable about the friendship. you shouldn’t be saying or doing anything with a man that you can’t tell your husband about. my husband has a female best friend (she’s married) and i’m totally comfortable with it. she was in our wedding! but she’s married, and totally respects our marriage. they have been friends for a really long time and there’s truly zero attraction between them. also i trust them.
he has never given me a reason not to. don’t give your husband a reason not to trust you. keep the drama out of your life.
Post # 8
Our general rule is that this is inappropriate both ways. And if we hang out with other couples, regardless of who holds the friendship, I only communicate with the wife directly adn if the husband needs to ask us a question he must go to DH.
Post # 9
when a relationship is strictly platonic between whoever, it can work. but this guy crossed a line.
my husband has a few female friends that are single. he meets them for drinks on a one on one basis every now and then. it doesn’t bother me in the least. i know they are friends and only friends.
Post # 10
Married women and single men can be friends and I believe it is quite healthy for married people to pursue and cultivate friendships outside the marriage with people of all genders and orientations.
In your specific scenario, since the man in question has admitted he has feelings for you, I do not think it is wise to continue the friendship, at least not immediately. When two people are looking for different things in a relationship, it generally does not work out very well, just like a person who wants to be monogamous is setting themselves up for heartbreak by getting involved with someone who has made it clear that she/he wants to play the field and doesn’t want a commitment.
I wouldn’t burn any bridges, as this man’s wants may change with time, and a good friend is always a valuable thing to have, but it’s probably wise to create some distance, at least for a while.
Post # 11
If you really are happily married then out of respect to your husband you will end the friendship. I’ve never been a believer that heterosexual men & women can be 100% just friends(probably not a popular opinion but meh). How would you feel if your husband continued to be ‘friends’ with a woman who declared she had feelings for him, and would wait for him until he ‘changed his mind’……seriously it’s a no brainer.
Post # 12
I would walk away, as much as losing a friend sucks, losing your marriage would be much worse.
I know if the role was reversed I would be very upset if my FI was hanging out with someone one-on-one who admitted that they wanted more. It would be very disrespectful.
Post # 13
moderndaisy: Please tell me that you are being deeply ironic here!
Of course married women can be friends with single men. However, at the point at which the friend declares that they want more than mere friendship, it’s usually a good idea to have a serious conversation where you make your lack of interest abundantly clear. If the single man can’t accept this then sadly, that’s probably where the friendship ends.
Post # 14
Of course! I’ve been married for 4 years and I have always had many male (single and non) friends. DH has plenty of women friends too. We both hang out with friends of opposite genders with each other and not with each other.
Post # 15
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
LudaRae: Out of curiosity, as I am (an engaged) bisexual lady …am I allowed any friends?
Only straight women/gay men? A lifetime of unrequited friend crushes clearly awaits me