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I'm so sorry your going through this tought time. Hang in there though, this too shall pass. I know that you will hear this a million times but you sound like a sweet girl that deserves a guy who is going to give you what you want. It doesn't sound like the stage he is at in his life, that he is ready to get married. Thats not fair to you because you can't put your life on hold while he tries to figure out what he wants in his. I know it's tough but I promise that it will all work out. Better to find out that he isn't ready for marriage now than when your already married. Just know that every day that goes by, your one step closer to the man who is going to treat you like a man.
Good luck and stay strong!
Oh man, I feel so sorry for you. But do stay strong though. One day it's not going to hurt as much. Honestly it does get better. I know you might feel like you are not going to meet someone that you love as much as you loved him but the bee is filled with stories like yours. One day you will wake up and it wouldn't hurt as much and then you will meet someone who will make you happy. Good luck :)
I really do feel bad for you. I've been in a similar situation before - except I was waiting for him to choose between me and another woman. I was young and stupid - whatever. He chose her. His loss (lol). And I spent months thinking he'd change his mind (joke's on me).
That said, if you sent him a text saying you missed him and heard nothing back you've gotta move on, because it sounds like he has. It's easy to pine away, and read romance novels, watch soap operas and hope that some big romantic gesture is coming... but after two months and no response I would probably pick myself up and keep on trucking. Spare yourself any further heartbreak, you deserve better.
Hugs.
Oh wow, that is really hard. I don't know what it's like to call off an engagement, but I've had my share of hurtful breakups so I promise it does get better. You might have dodged a bullet, so try to look at it that way. Honestly the best thing you can do for yourself (when you're ready) is try to date someone else. Ask your friends to set you up or go online. Once you start having feelings for someone else, you might begin to remember the things that were not so great about your ex-fiance. The grass might not look so green anymore.
Good luck, just take it one day at a time.
That is very hard... but if he isnt contacting you to tell you that he misses you and he isnt making any effort to reconcile then I would just not contact him at all.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Let me tell you this though...My engagement was called of. We dated for 7 years, and were engaged for 1. Three days before Christmas, he packed up all of his things and left. He said he needed space, time to himself [we had been living together for about a month in a house that I bought]. I let him go. Let him do his thing [that I didn't agree with] but if that's what he needed then that's what I gave him.
Communication was sparse if any for the two months that he was 'on his own'. I focused on getting my life to where I wanted to be and began preparing to do life on my own. He reached out to me a few times but conversations were short and awkward. I had been seeing a Christian counselor to help me learn and grow from the situation. When I was strong enough, I emailed him and let him know that I appreciated the time that I was able to spend with him and know that my life is better for having shared it with him. But also, that I deserve someone who loves and respects me the same way I do them. I let go, which is never an easy thing, but sometimes its necessary.
Needless to say, ours worked out. He reached out for help on his own and eventually we began 'dating' again [which was both fun, but strange since we had been engaged and together for 7 years]. We would never be where we are had we not gone through all of that. Our relationship is 10x better now.
Now having said that....ours was a much different situation than yours. He had some 'living' to do [i.e. he went straight from HS to working and never got the stay-out-all-night-partying out of his system] and needed to grow up on his own first. Both of our parents are divorced. But he had to make the decision on what he wanted, regardless of what he had experienced in the past. It has been a very difficult road and we both had to change the way we handled things in order to get where we are. Three years after our initial engagement, we are finally getting married :)
It can work out, and things can be better, but it has to be a conscious decision and effort voluntarily made by both in the relationship. It's a hard realization to learn that you can't change or control the situation. You have to focus on what is best for you, living one day at a time.
I've never really told anyone the story [expect close friends and family that experienced it with me] but I hope that helps. Please remember to keep your chin up!!
@adreynolds:Your are absolutly right!! I know that i need to move forward and that is the best thing for me. I am still young and i am turing 30 this year so i know i have a lot of things to look forward to. Thank you for sharing your story with me, and i am not letting this experience break my good spirit, if anything, i am going to take it as a positive, because it is the best thing for me.
Again- thank you for the kind words.
@Maria123: Good luck girl! Always here for words of encouragement anytime you need it!
I was engaged before, and when I came to visit, he flat-out told me he could do "much better" before calling it off. He wanted to be friends, even after I found out he had been cheating on me.
I was devastated and was not myself for a very long time. I finally got over it, but I still held those "what if" feelings for a while. It took him dying in a car accident for me to realize that things happen for a reason. We don't always understand those reasons...but when one door closes, another opens.
It might not feel like it right now, but it was for the best. When you're better, a man that wants to be a father and wants to be your husband will find you and sweep you off your feet.
Focus on feeling better.
The sun will shine again. <3
@Torrid:I'm real sorry to hear about your past experiece. I know that there is a reason for what i am going through, but sometimes i feel like i need an explanation for this experience, but maybe i don't want to know and it's for the better.
Thank you for the kind words
I'm sorry that hurtful even happened to you. Something like that happened to me...
I was with someone for six years, engaged for one and the last year things were strained. I was communicating too much and him too little. We argued constantly and put material things ahead of our relationship. By the time we bought a house, things were in their bad place. We were arguing over dumb things, he was always mean and nasty, and we didnt see eye to eye anymore. Then I got pregnant, and he decided against being around and having a baby and we split. I left and moved back home with my parents, and am now raising a baby in a small bedroom with no closet. We barely speak to each other mostly broken reasons according to each other why it didnt work out or what the baby needs (and why he cant/wont provide it). Would we ever get back together? Probably not, we hurt each other way too much to recover. And the problem is, we're still hurting each other...
You have to determine if the original hurt is worth trying to erase.
I was engaged, but my ex cheated on me. He was in grad school and I was far away working...It broke my heart and I did the whole carrying on hope for longer that I probably should. But, with time it gets easier! I hope things are better!
My best friends got married after breaking off their engagement twice, the first time about a month before the wedding when she decided that they were just too incompatiable and that they differences that drove them together at first were now driving them apart, the second time he left her at the alter when he paniced that ther first broken engagement was a sign and that this would all end really badly.
They then became friends again, started going out about two years later, and got married in secret (they did a gretna green) a year later, they have now been married 10 years with 3 children!
I'm so sorry you're going thru this!! this sucks so much. The first few months are the hardest. Do some things for yourself, go to the gym, take some classes, volunteer (nothing helps you get over things faster then helping other people), as my sil says .. Do You ...
My brothers ex g/f called off her wedding (obviously to someone else) the week of the wedding and three months later they got married at the courthouse and divorced 6mos later. trust your gut
the only other thing that struck me was that i have an uncle that is an attorney and whenever he and my aunt got into a fight he would file papers and divorce her, i believe over a 15year period they were divorced 9 times... till they had kids ... they aren't happy and should have divorced and stayed that way.
I was engaged before and married too. But once you break off, it's really hard to go back IMHO. I had the "let's be friends" talk before but it just doesn't work out for me...especially when they cheated on me. So my experience is different, but the end line for me is that I wouldn't have gotten back with them once they "break" the promise of marrying or staying married with me.
I am sensitive to broken promises. It'd be extremely difficult for me to go back to calling my FI a BF...
My ex-fi and I are now the best of friends, just like we were before we started dating, but I don't think we could have gone back to being serious boyfriend/girlfriend again. If you know you're not going to get married, what's the point? Dating recreationally is one thing, but you probably shouldn't do that with someone you already know you have the capacity to have (and still do have, as far as I can tell) very strong feelings for. It's just setting yourself up for heartbreak down the line, I think.
My DH and I broke up 3 times before we got married and once was after we got engaged. The first time he broke up with me he said he didn't know where he was in life and he needed to find out. His ex was texting him a lot and getting into his head and so he dumped me and started going on little dates with different girls but ended up coming back to me after just a couple months saying that he believed the break up did us both well and that he hoped we could move on from that.
We got engaged shortly after we got back together because he said he knew I was right for him after dealing with everything he did to me by breaking up with me. The same day we bought my rings we were pulled over on the way to his moms house and he was arrested for driving on a suspended license. Part of him blamed me for it because I didn't have my license back then and if I had been driving he wouldn't have been arrested. He got really depressed and he said that he just wanted to think things thru and be sure he made the right decision. He didn't date anyone that time. He just sat back and thought about everything he wanted.
We got back together later on and were planning on moving to a different state to start over but our roommate got mad about it so he said he would move in with his mom so he could save money and I could get a place with her so she would be happy. One night after going swimming with me and hanging out all day he said he was going home but went to his exs instead. She wanted to watch a movie and her roommate didn't like the one she picked so he went over and sat on her bed to watch it. They fell asleep toward the end of the movie but he felt so guilty when he woke up that he sent me a text telling me what happened and saying he should take another step back. Again I let him, but it cost me big time.
My roommate kicked me out because I let him come over to hang out after the incident and I had to sleep in his car until I found another place. Shortly after we broke up I told him I was pregnant and flat out told him that I wasn't going to get back together with him because I didn't want him breaking up with me again and hurting the baby. Parents know that if you are pregnant or have an infant the child picks up on your emotions and it can cause them harm if you get too stressed out.
I told him that if he wanted to leave and never look back that he had the chance but he had to tell me within a couple days of when I showed him the positive test to go. A few months later he decided he would like another chance to redeem himself and I agreed but said I wouldn't marry him until after the baby was born if at all because I didn't want our child to be the cause of him being there. Too many people get divorced because they only got married when she turned up pregnant. About 8 months into the pregnancy his ex was texting him (to clarify they never stopped talking after the second break-up we had) and she said she was jealous of me and that she wanted to be the one to give him the son he wanted and to be his wife. I wanted to grab the phone out of his hand and throw it but he didn't know I was reading it and I liked to see what she said to him because I was hoping for a reason to punch her. His reply was, "LOL. You had your chance to be with me back in hs but you blew it when you dumped me twice and again by pushing me away after I broke up with (my name here). I'm not leaving her and my child just to have you throw me aside again. You just don't like it when I'm happy with someone else but one day I will marry her and never talk to you again." BTW, I didn't know he planned to marry me until I saw that.
To shorten the story up, we had our son, planned a wedding, and got married. We have some problems and I still want to punch his ex for getting into his head but now all he ever hears from her is an occasional comment on FB. There are problems in every relationship and I think that if you try, you two can be good friends if not actually get back together. Not every couple can make it work but we both knew we didn't want to get a divorce. His mom just got her 3rd divorce a few months ago and my dad has gone thru 4 wives already. We know what it does to kids and we don't want our son to have to deal with that too. Try to step back and forget for awhile. Have some friends go with you to a movie or bowling. Laugh, make jokes, flirt with some random guy. It will hopefully loosen you up a little. I know it's hard when the person you are madly in love with breaks your heart but you have to dust yourself off and see what happens. Mostly you need to decide one thing...if he wants to get back together, will you agree. Think about it for awhile. You don't want to automatically say yes or no and then think later...did I choose wrong.
I know it was long but if you read it all I hope it helps.
I'm sorry you went through that.
Though it's hard, I think you made the right decision to leave.
I think it shows lack of readiness and maturity on his part to call off the wedding because of arguing over a rough month. There are sometimes rough patches in relationships, and he wasn't ready for that.
You were right to heed those warning bells in your mind. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and raise children with you - build a life with you - without you being concerned about whether or not he'll stick around.
The fact that you started this post with how you were sceptical about your relationship from the start shows how much you understand that he's not the right person for you.
This adjustment period will be hard, but it's the right choice. You'll find someone who makes your heart sing and who makes you feel at peace.
Until then, hang in there. Hug your pillow at night if you need to, spend time with people you care about and who care about you, and remember that these feelings will subside and dealing with the situation will get easier.
... From what I've read in this post, it doesn't sound like a good idea to try to re-kindle this hot-and-cold flame...
Typically when a man moves on so quickly cutting all communication (as in not texting back after you've told him you miss him) is because either he's lost all interest/feelings for you or he has someone else in mind.
You need to move on. go out with friends or work until you drop of exhaustion when you get home that all you can think about is going to sleep.
I think most people if they've lived enough on this earth will have their share of acquaintances/friends that are either divorce or miserable.
I tend to stay away from people that are potentially toxic to myself and my family. Not all people that are divorced are miserable and not all people that are married are going to be happy all the time. Marriage is tough and it's not romantic, beautiful happy roses all the time. Most people at one point or another will hit a rut in their marriage or periods of sadness/ lack of satisfaction etc.
As my mom who'se been married 50 years told me along time ago right before my first marriage--There's no such thing as a perfect marriage. There will be days when you want to stay away from each other, days when you want to strangle each other (not literally) and days when you cant stay away from each other.There even may be a day when you come to the realization that you're not meant to be together forever. It's a rollercoaster ride--best thing you can do is strap on and surround yourself with positive people that will support you not drag you down into their personal pit of despair.
That's not to say that you can't be supportive to a friend that's going through a miserable period. But if this friend/ or family seems to enjoy wallowing in misery for years on end--you have to create some distance for your sake.
@bride21--
Wow that's a lot of red flags. You're a bigger woman than me--i would have run faster than a woman running a marathon. lol
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. However, when people show you who they really are, you simply HAVE to believe them.
Look on the bright side--it is apparent that he would not have been husband material. Thank goodness you found this out before you actually got married to the man! His actions indicate that he is the kind of person that walks out when "the going gets tough" so to speak. One argument/disagreement and he's out the door? Who needs someone like that in their lives, when marriage is trying enough already? Can you imagine trying to keep a FAMILY together with a person like that?
You deserve someone who will commit to BEING THERE no matter what, and LOVING YOU the way you deserve to be loved. This is NOT the sort of treatment you deserve.
If he wanted to make things work, he would have reconciled long ago. You reached out to him, and he did not reciprocate. Consider this entire fiasco as a learning experience and a blessing. You are cutting your losses!
*hugs*
I know you've heard it all, including this is the time to decide...still Im gonna say it: Chump!
It took me about 2 years to get over it, truly.
Focus on not one single wrinkle from this!
Blessings
It seems like he's totally disillusioned with marriage and probably only proposed to you becaue he knew its what you wanted, to get married and have kids. He probably just wants different things out of life and since he cares for you he knows that he has to set you free to find happiness with someone that wants the same things. I think once the pain of breaking up is abated and you find someone else who wants what you want and you can be happy with, then maybe you guys can be friends, until then, I'd say he is doing whats best for you and not trying to hurt you, but let you be happy. So mourn for a bit but don't let it get you down for long, I'm glad to see you have a positive spirit!! Hang in there it'll come :3
@Maria123: ..... I'm tearing up reading your story! I wish I could say something but I don't know what other then I'm praying for you that your heart heals and you find someone who will truly love, cherish and honor you because that's what HE wants, not based off of what you want. I wish you the best and am sending you mass hugs.
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I just want to know if there is anyone out there who has gone through a simliar situation as me, and after having an engagement called off-did you get back together?
Before i began to date my guy, i was very concerned about giving him a chance. For one- he was married twice before and two- he never had a relationship longer then a year. It took him a long time, but he finally won me over. We dated for almost two years and we had a wonderful relationship. He proposed on a christmas eve and set a date for 11/11/11. I was very excited to be his wife. I was not too excitd about the wedding but more of making him my husband and honoring the last name by being the best wife i could possibly be . I do need to mention a couple of things about him. He is a family lawyer so he does a lot of divorces every week. The other thing is that both of us have had bad examples of marriages our whole lives (his mom was married 3 times and his father 4). And last, most of our friends that are married, are not happily married. It is a bit discouraging to get married when you have all these things surrounding you. But for me, this would of been an exciting moment because we weren't those things and we meshed soo well.
My point is that we had a really good relationship until the last month of it. We got in an argument that led him to call off the wedding. I was torn. He wanted to continue to be together without getting married. I knew i did not want to loose him so i told him i was okay with it. He knew perfectly well that i was not okay. His exact words were "i don't want to be the man who denies you marriage and kids". And that is the other thing, we would talk about having kids and that comment about "not having kids" threw me off. As soon as he said "we should end this"-i packed up my most of my things and left everything he got me.
A week later i returned to get the rest of my stuff, and i gave him a big hug and thanked him for everything that he had done for me. It broke my heart. I left as soon as i could so that he wouldn't see the tears coming down my cheek. It's been about two months that we have been broken up and i miss him to pieces. I only texted him once to tell him that i missed him, trying to let him know that i am still here, but i didn't hear from him again.
I have cut all communication with him, and am trying to move on. I find myself a lot of times just thinking of him. I have let go physically and now i am tryng to let go emotionally. This has been the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life, letting go of the man that i truely cared about and loved. I think to myself that i will find flowers outside my house or a "sorry" note or an e-mail, something to show how much maybe he misses me, but i know that i shouldn't have those kinds of thoughts. A little part of me just wants to hold on to that little hope.