Post # 1
I’m curious to hear from people who have been in this position. I’m 27 years old and I have a wonderful boyfriend who is 30 and I adore him. We’ve been together a year. He’s my absolute best friend and we have the same morals, religious views, same interests (we’re both scuba certified and love planes and traveling, we have the same political views, and have the same ethnicity and culture. We met for the first time as kids and I got back in touch with him as an adult. We have enough differences to keep things interesting. I’m kind of a girly girl and super chatty. He’s shy and good with his hands and mechanics. While I’m outgoing and more Book smart, he has more common sense and is a bit more reserved.
I love him but I don’t have that passionate feeling for him like my last boyfriend. My last relationship lasted 4 years and it was much more of that crazy head over heels feeling. That being said, we weren’t a good fit and I don’t feel like we wanted the same things in life. With my now boyfriend, we can be ourselves together and we make each other laugh constantly. He’s my best friend and this is a more stable relationship. I’m really attracted to him and sex is great so that’s not an issue.
My question is whether or not I should be having that passionate madly in love feeling and if a relationship (and eventually a marriage) can work without it.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Anaheim Hills Golf Course
I really wish I had the answer to your question. I too have questioned this…I was with my previous boyfriend for about 5 years….I really thought he was “the one” though deep down inside I knew I couldn’t trust him. I met my fiance 1.5 years ago and he is absolutely amazing. I don’t feel the “firery passion” I once felt, but I do love him and trust him unconditionally! I really wonder if its a shield I have placed in an effort to not be hurt again. Tough question.
Post # 4
I think that in most relationships the firey passion fades. What you are left with is hopefully love and happiness. The
t last for a majority of relationships. What you have when its gone is what matters, I think.
Post # 5
that was how I felt about my ex, and I’m glad I decided not to marry him (he wanted to and I did consider it). I realized it was “settling” for less than I truly dreamed of, not just “compromising” on a small detail.
I’m madly in love with my FI. I met him, by chance, 2 weeks after I broke up with my ex. We’ve now been together for 5 years, and the spark has not started to dim.
What would have happened if I met my FI after I married my ex?? O_O!!! At best, I wouldn’t cheat, just become cripplingly depressed and bored of the life I let myself get trapped into.
By the way, my ex was a great guy. I wish he had been my brother instead. Don’t marry someone you’d want to be your brother!
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
You should on the average day feel a strong physical attraction to your SO, an attraction beyond deep friendship. The butterflies fade, but attraction should remain strong. If you are not attracted to your SO, eventually it wil become a problem. You deserve someone you love and are in love with too, and he deserves someone who loves him and is in love with him.
Post # 7
@IndecisiveBee123: A year isn’t that long to be be dating someone and I would agree that the once the honeymoon phase is over some of that “fiery” passion does fade away. I wouldn’t agree that you have to absolutely be head over heels in love with someone for a relationship to work. I think you should give your boyfriend more of a chance now that the “honeymoon” phase is over. If he treats you well, you respect one another, can make each other laugh, and have great chemistry give yourself more time to see if your feelings change. And if you still attracted to him and he is to you and the two of you have great sex, there is a spark there. Give it time then re-evaluate. And trust me being on the same page about where you want to go in life, your goals, values, and beliefs are important for the long-term especially if the two of you consider marriage.
Post # 8
Thanks for everyone’s responses. I appreciate them!
@joya_aspera: I certainly wouldn’t want him to be my brother. lol. I’m really attracted to him and the sex is amazing.
I guess I’m just wondering if this is a more “mature” love. Compatibility and a strong foundational love may not be as exciting as the lust and head over heels sort of love but can keep a relationship strong long term.
That sort of excitement doesn’t generally last for decades but what’s left is a really strong loyal and committed relationship and that holds the test of time. This is my sort of theory but it would be great to hear from other people’s perspectives.
Post # 9
Read this from this thread:
“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which ay fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom has fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”
Post # 10
@Everdeen: That’s absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
Post # 11
@IndecisiveBee123: Personally, I think that when the “in love” feeling fades there needs to be a strong foundation to hold the relationship together. It sounds like you two have that.
Post # 12
@IndecisiveBee123: You are incredibly welcome. 🙂
Post # 13
I was in a relationship like this before my FI. My ex and I were together for 3 years, he was an amazing guys, total sweetheart, he treated me well. I realized that while I did wholeheartedly love him, I wasn’t in love with him. It hurt me so much to end the relationship that we created and grew to love, but I knew that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with him… :/
I still feel bad about the break up, but in the end, I ended up finding someone who I love deeply and I couldn’t be more in love with him 🙂
Post # 14
I think you can definitely have the strong connection, trust, honesty, communication, shared interests, maturity, compatibility, friendship, be best friends, and all that other stuff AND be passionate about each other. I do not believe “mature love” and “passion”/”in love” are mutually exclusive. Nor do I believe “in love” has an expiry date. It is possible to keep that passion alive.
I have, before my husband, also experienced having one or the other but something in me always nagged at me that it was not quite “it”, not quite what I wanted or needed in a life partner and relationship.
Only you can decide what is important for you and what you need and want in a relationship. Of course it “can work” if that works for you and your partner. Maybe what you and he have IS exactly what you want in a relationship. But, I also think if you really felt that way perhaps you would not be posing this question? Are you going to always wonder “what if”? If he was “it” forever, as of this moment, how would you feel? Happy? Sad? Scared?
It is important for me to have a very strong foundation, a mature, honest, and aware love, but to also share passion for each other. Undoubtedly, while my husband is my best friend, my life partner, my confidante, I am also very, very much in love with him. The feelings are mutual.
Post # 15
I’ve known SO for over 7 years, dating around 6, and the fieriness ebbs and flows. As long as the sex is great, I don’t see how it’s not “in” love. I still love him madly sometimes; most of the time, I just feel complete with him. He’s my family, and we belong together. We broke up for months after college to explore our options separately and grow up a bit, and I was more wild for him then, because I knew what I wanted, what I wanted desperately, but I couldn’t ever feel like it was mine. The passion getting back together was FUN. Then again, I think part of the intensity and craziness of my feelings was the unrequited factor. It drove me a bit crazy to love someone and not know for certain (or theoretically in your case, to definitely know but not accept) if they want the same thing(s). Does that make sense/help?
Post # 16
+1 (zillion) @RayKay
And also, remember that it’s completely normal to have doubts, even in the best of all relationships.