Can FI uninvite someone he's not really close with anymore?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Honestly, if he got a save the date, he should get an invite. who know, maybe he was just asking to be nice and won’t even end up coming. 

Post # 5
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow, you sent out your STDs EARLY!  About 1.5 years before your wedding?  This kind of thing is bound to happen in that case.

Anyway, from an etiquette perspective you should invite him.  But not everything in the world is about etiquette.  If this guy never talks to you anymore, do you think he’ll care if he doesn’t get the invite?  It’s possible he’ll think that it’s weird that you invited him.  In that case, I don’t see the harm in not inviting him.

I had a couple that I invited because we were starting to become friends and they seemed like they were becoming part of the group.  Then within weeks of sending out the invite we basically lost touch with them.  I felt kind of stupid for thinking we were becoming such good friends…but what are you gonna do?  Sometimes you miss judge.

Post # 6
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Eh it was so long ago I wouldnt feel too my pressure to invite him over a save the date if I were you. I’d just apologize and say that things changed with your guest list and you had to make cuts or something. If he brings it up again that is. He’ll get over it. 

Post # 7
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@nawella:  You’ve sent an STD, so you should send an invite.

To be blunt (since you asked), this is the chance you take when you send out STDs so early to everyone.

Just sit him at a table with mutual friends. It’ll be fine.

Post # 8
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@nawella:  I’m sorry but that seems really harsh, your FI considered him a friend, when he became depressed he withdrew which is totally normal, now he’s started to put himself out there again and become social and your instinct is to uninvite him to your wedding? It sounds like he could do with the gesture and inclusion tbh.

Post # 9
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would invite him. It sounds like you’re goting to run into him in the future so it’s best to go with etiquette rules. 

Post # 10
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

How about offering him an olive branch – invite him around for coffee or meet for brunch etc. Maybe he feels bad or embarrassed about his state of mind andthe fact that he went off the radar. If you spend an hour or two with him you (and he) will know whether the friendship is salvageable. 

Post # 11
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@MsChandler:  This.

You should extend an invitation to him. I’m not sure why you assumed he wouldn’t be coming when he became depressed and withdrawn; that had nothing to do with your wedding.  

Post # 12
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

I think your husband has not been a good friend to this guy.  I don’t understand the reaction of cutting him off when he became withdrawn.  He didn’t follow up, check in on him, make sure he was ok?  That’s kind of a shitty thing to do (again going on just what you’ve posted). 

But that aside, you asked for etiquette advice so here it is.  You’ve already told him to save this date, to not book other plans.  He has lived up to his end of the bargain.  Your end is now to honour the committment you made to him.  To not invite someone because they became depressed is pretty crappy.  Hopefully other brides will learn from your mistake about sending out STDs way early.

Post # 13
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@nawella:  I was going to say that sometimes etiquette is just a guideline, and you can uninvite people who treat you terribly, but your case is a little different.  I think it’s kind of crappy to uninvite someone because they were struggling with depression.  You still have 6 months, so I’d see if you rekindle your friendship in the meantime.

Post # 14
Member
11734 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You sent the save the date, you must send an invitation.  There’s no way out of it.  It’s incredibly rude not to.  Hopefully he’ll gracefully decline and that’ll be the end of it.  If not, you won’t even notice that he’s there.

Post # 15
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This is why I am in favor of writing individual notes to the people who really need to know that far ahead, either  to make travel plans or whom I would be crushed not to have there. STDs are a relatively recent thing in their current incarnation as a mass mailing to anyone and everyone expected to receive an invitation, and tbh I am not a fan. 

It really hasn’t been that long and people sometimes do lose touch for awhile, so once a STD  has  been sent, there is really no polite way to renege. 

The larger group of friends issue is something you will have to work out. There’s no obligation to add to your guest list at this point, but if you have made new friends and want to invite them, go ahead. 

Post # 16
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@nawella:  In my opinion, you’re obligated to invite him.  

That’s the thing with save the dates – particularly with long engagements.  You’ve committed yoruself to inviting these people.  

If he had just dissapeared, I was prepared to let you off the hook, but, not only has he reappeared, he REMEMBERS the STD and is expecting an invitation.  Not inviting him would be rude, insulting and also hurtful.  Particularly since he is still involved with your social circle – its not like he’s not going to hear about the wedding and if you don’t invite him its going to be awkward for him, you and everyone else.  

I feel bad for this guy.  Sounds like he had a tough time.  And who knows what the futue holds? If he and your FI were tight once, whose to say they can’t/wont be again?  Maybe your wedding will be the catalyst?  

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