Post # 1
To make a long story short I’ve been having some FMIL issues. We chose our venue last spring based on what we could afford and finished our guest list (we’re printing our invites next week), my FMIL for the last few weeks has been complaining about how she should be entitled to have more people that she is allowed to invite. My FI’s family is already making up about 65% of the guestlist to begin with and we have already invited her close friends. She has sent me a few emails saying that there are people that we “should” be inviting because its the right thing to do which i said i understood but when she told me who it was my FI had no idea who they were and his mom hasn’t talked to them in over 1-2 years. I have nicely tried to explain that we are on a very strict budget and we are already over in our numbers and that her family/friends are already making up a very large percentage of our guests. She does not seem to undertsand and has now started talking to other family members to try and convince us to let her invite more people. She did give some money (not a large portion) to my FI and said he could use it for our downpayment on our house or wedding and we decided on the house. Now she says because she is contributing to the wedding it is poor etiquette for us NOT to let her have more people. The money she gave would not even cover half of the people she initially put on the list!
So my question is this-is it poor etiquette to allow her to invite those random people only to the ceremony and dance portion??
Post # 3
@mrsalexander: Yes. You can’t tell them to come and not eat.
Post # 4
Yes, I think it is in poor taste to invite someone to only a part of the festivities. I know in some countries it is common only to be invited to the dance portion, but I don’t think that is true for Canada.
What does your FI say about all of this? I feel like he needs to step in and deal with his mother. I would stay firm. It sounds like you’ve explained this all very reasonably, so I don’t know what to tell you other than to try and put your FI between his mom and you.
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
In America, yes, it is poor etiquette. It’s called a tiered reception and you are pretty much directly telling certain guests that they are less important than others. You should only invite those you can fully host. I think it’s the same in Canada, but I know that tiered receptions are not taboo in Britain.
Gifted money does not come with strings. She gave the money freely, and if she wanted to put conditions on it, she needed to do that when she gave it so that you would be free to refuse if you didn’t like the conditions. She can’t go adding conditions now.
Post # 6
Yes. Inviting guests to the ceremony and telling them they have to wait or go elsewhere while everyone else eats dinner, but then they can come back for the dancing is incredibly rude. If that was me, I would be highly offended and probably not attend at all.
I think maybe your FI should talk with his mom and stand his ground and say that unfortunately the guest list is final and we cannot fit anyone else. And if she insists, then maybe offer the suggestion that she can pay to add these extra people.
Post # 7
Yes, this is wrong and just plain rude! Don’t let this women drive you crazy. Have your Fi tell your FMIL he doesn’t care nor does he want these people there. And the guestlist is final.
Post # 8
@mrsalexander: no you cannot invite people and not feed them. either she pays up for their plates or they don’t get invited. they can’t come to a wedding you don’t send an invitation to.
Post # 9
I think you either invite them for the whole celebration or not at all. Your fiancé should really be standing up to his mother.
Post # 10
so rude. How would you feel? Come to the ceremony give us a gift and then the rest of the people are staying for dinner but YOU have to leave.
Your FH needs to make his mother chill out about this.
Post # 11
Previous responses have addressed the etiquette issue.
My suggestion? Give up on trying to get her to understand. She already has a majority of the guests and she just doesn’t get it. Get the invitations printed and mailed . Done deal.
Post # 12
Thanks, thats what I figured 🙁 I come up with ideas sometimes that i think might work and they cloud my judgment…thankfully i have the Hive! I’m just trying to figure out a way to accomodate.
My FI has told her as well and they got into an argument over the holidays because of it but she just keeps on going on with this and telling more ppl that we aren’t letting her invite who she wants!
Post # 13
@mrsalexander: Let her tell people. Who cares it’s YOUR wedding. Tell her if she wants to invite more people she foots the bill for food, dancing, and ceremony space. Stand up to her.
Post # 14
you cannot invite people and not provide them with a meal. It is rude. What is more rude is your pushy FMIL. Stand you ground and don’t let her invite any more guests. You will regret it believe me. People who aren’t important to you and your fi don’t belong at your wedding. If she brings it up again I would say, ” I understand that there are certain people you want there to celebrate with us, but seeing how we can’t accomodate them at the wedding if you want to throw us a seperate party after the wedding for those we couldn’t invite we would be happy to attend” 🙂
Good luck, my MIL sent me a list of 35 people she wanted to invite-who my husband didn’t know or hasn’t seen since he was a kid and we were only having 100 people at our wedding. I guess I am lucky she dropped it after we explained the situation.
Post # 15
Everyone should be invited to all parts of the wedding.
The real issue here that needs to be addressed is your FMIL’s meddling. It’s bad enough for her to assume she has a right to control your guest list (the exception would be if she’s footing a large portion of the bill, which she’s not), but even worse, she’s tattling on you to other family and trying to pull them into her meddling game.
I think it’s a bad idea for you to confront her yourself because you could risk burning bridges. Talk to your FI gently to see if he shares your concerns. If he does, suggest that he have a conversation with her, telling her:
- You are both grateful for the gift she gave you, but a gift is a gift and should not come with restrictions or expectations.
- You are glad that she is so excited for the wedding that she wants everyone to be able to come, but you unfortunately cannot afford to host such a large affair.
- You are trying to follow your hearts to plan a day that will be special to both of you for the rest of your lives, and you would appreciate it if she would respect your wishes concerning the wedding. He should emphasize that her opinion is important to the two of you, but you unfortunately cannot comply with her wishes in this case.
Post # 16
@mrsalexander: I don’t even know how you would do that. I would politely return the money and keep her mitts off the guest list. Money rarely comes without strings.