(Closed) Can I ask a MOH to step down from the bridal party via email?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
6260 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

You cannot de-MOH her through email. That’s really rude. Also, if she has already bought her dress, you really ought to reimburse her as it doesn’t sound like she has failed in her duties, really. She’s just been kind of rudely opinionated, which to me suggests more about her life and experiences than anything to do with you.

Besides, if it’s already time for the bachelorette, I am betting your wedding is coming up very soon. It’s really late to be considering this now. If you know she will come, be a minimal amount pleasant, and do at least the minimum required of her, why not just let her continue on in her role?
Bachelorette parties are not mandatory. If you get one, great–and it’s fine to bring it up–but if you don’t, the etiquette advice I’ve read suggests you leave it alone and go on.

Why did you ask her to be your MOH if you’ve felt insecure about this relationship? IMO that’s asking for trouble. Especially if she lives two hours away. It sounds like you clearly prefer this new friend, to the point of trusting her over your old friend, so why didn’t you ask her to be MOH instead?

Post # 4
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Kmax:  Oh my goodness. I read most of this and then it just got so repetitive with descriptions of your MOH’s behavior escalating. It sounds like neither of you want her as MOH. Step up and call her. Keep it short, don’t let her go on and on, and don’t you belabor the issue either. 10 minute call tops. If you get her voicemail, don’t leave a “hi, you’re not my MOH” message. Just ask her to please call you back within the next day. If she doesn’t call back, then write the e-mail. Good luck.

EDIT: As for those that may say you can’t ask her to step down because that is rude, I think it is unbalanced for a bride to be painted into a corner by an out of control BM or MOH that was once kind and sweet and then turned into a jealous beeyotch. What about all the rude things the BM and MOH are doing? I think that sometimes it is called for if communication and resolution are so out of reach, sometimes it is healthier for everyone to let go.

Post # 5
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Call her and tell her thanks but no thanks. Sorry I couldn’t read the whole post b

Post # 6
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t believe such a conversation should be by email. I believe important conversations, of which this is one, should be made at least by phone. I agree, it will be an unpleasant conversation, but you have to suck it up and do it. BTW, I agree with your decision 100%. She doesn’t seem to be very supportive of you at this happy time in your life and who needs someone to rain all over their parade.

That being said, you still have to do it the right way. Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you’re going to ask her to step down (which I think is rude to begin with and not something I’d ever do unless the circumstance was VERY extreme) than you need to have the balls to do it in person. 

Post # 8
Member
936 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrswbs-

I agree that this should be done in person or at least over the phone, as telling someone something confrontational over text, email, or voicemail is a punk move. The ONLY exception I might make is if the bridesmaid is actually relieved to be let off the hook, as an email response might be less awkward for the fired bridesmaid. I was fired via email 10 years ago for a wedding I didn’t really want to be in and I thought email was great. But yeah in general I consider it pretty rude to deliver that message through email.

 

OP I only skimmed through your post- are you sure you want to do this? This may be a friendship ending move.

Post # 9
Member
3737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@EffieTrinket:  +1

The only thing your bridal party really HAS to do is get the dress and show up on your wedding day. Planning bridal showers and bachelorette parties is a bonus, but not required. It’s nice that you want to accomodate everyone for your bachelorette party, but it’s not up to you to plan it.

It doesn’t really sound like your MOH has done anything wrong, and I think your expectations may be a bit high. As with previous posters, I’m confused as to why you asked her to be your MOH if your relationship is how you say it is. And I also agree with previous posters, if you want to ask her to step down, you can’t do it through email.

Post # 11
Member
936 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I disagree. There is no universal “bridal etiquette”. There is someone’s OPINION of what a bridesmaid duties should be and as you can see from this site, those opinions vary dramatically from person to person. I am with uberclaire that all you have to do is buy the dress and show up.

If you are okay ending the friendship then by all means save her the time and effort but you need to reimburse her for any money she’s already spent.

Post # 13
Member
3737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Okay, well to just answer your main question, no you shouldn’t demote a maid of honor/bridesmaid via email.

Post # 14
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

i feel like i don’t even need to read the post to tell you no, you can’t do that.

Post # 15
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@Kmax:  No. It’s a pretty rude thing to do, not to mention tacky. Sure, this girl hasn’t exactly been your dream MOH, but she’s nowhere near as bad as some of the others on the Bee. You said that you feel like you haven’t had a friend in her for a while and if that’s the case the you shouldn’t have asked her to be your MOH. It sounds like you guys are growing apart and the friendship is sort of coming to an end anyway, so you can’t put this all on her. 

I think that the least you can do is ask her for a coffee (yeah she lives two hours away but this is important) and talk things over. I think you should drive up to her because its pretty rude to make someone drive so far to tell them what a crappy MOH they’re being. Don’t dump her right away either because your MOH may have some stuff to say to you and you guys might be able to work things out. If you want to save the friendship then you should not drop her without at least talking about how you feel and listening to her feelings too. 

Please don’t make this all about your bach and her comments either. Because you’ll just come across as bitchy and will probably just make your friend hurt and annoyed. Ask what’s going in and how she feels about her position. 

I think you guys need to have a discussuon about your friendship too. I seems like your bach is not a big priority for your maid of honour and she’s not as excited to organise stuff as a best friend typically would be. This might not reflect entirely on her, though. Stuff gets in the way and if you guys are drifting apart then things like this might not seem to matter as much. 

Give her a choice but not some kind of ultimatum. Tell her she desn’t have to be MOH if she don’t want to be. If your friend decides she would rather not be in your bridal party then pay for anything she might have already bought.

Post # 16
Member
9 posts
Newbee

OP – I feel like I can offer some perspective from someone who asked a BM to step down 10 days before our wedding.  I had been friends with this girl for 10+ years, too, and all through our friendship I was the passive one and she was the aggressive one.  Without getting into many details, let’s just say this friend didn’t even wait for me to ask her to be in our wedding, she just assumed it (just painting the picture correctly on how forceful she was).

So when wedding events came around, she would literally force me to talk to her about when she could throw me a party, but when the time came she would tell me to chill out.  At any rate, she literally would twist every situation to make me look like I was asking for something when it was her asking.  I have a plethora of other examples (like her mom writing to me on our wedding day calling me a b*tch and a traitor).

Like you, the only real stressor in our wedding was this particular person.  And I felt I didn’t even know my friend anymore.  Her faux happiness when we got engaged turned into jealous, unreasonable rage right before our wedding and I felt like I simply could not have a friendship with her if our lives continued this way.

I wrote her an email telling her that I felt she had been pressuring me into ideas (wedding and non wedding ideas) that were good for her and not for me and my husband.  I never said “step down”or even asked her if she wanted to – I just asked her to be there for me this time (many years of our friendship was me being a psychiatrist shoulder to cry on. the.worst.kind – and I freely admit that is partially my fault).

She retorted with anger and nasty messages and my decision was pretty easy then.  My husband and I have been married 2.5 years now and to this day, I do not speak with this woman.

But that said, the level of guilt and anger I felt towards her and a certain sub-set of friends I shared with her was agonzing.  I felt guilty that I had let it go that far and let her walk all over for me for so long, and ignored it – without manning up and just SAYING NO.  After the guilt subsided, I felt my decision was still correct and I don’t look back in anger or remorse.  I actually feel like a stronger person in the end.

Bottom line – it is absolutely not ideal to ask someone who you invited in your world to not be a part of it anymore.  Having someone in your wedding and then dismissing them will most likely dismiss them from your life.  It sounds like things have gone too far with your MOH – to the point where you are ready to deal with that end.  My advice is the sooner the better if you are truly going to have this chat with her.  And seeing you are getting married in July – you may want to have a heart-to-heart with her soon.  

Send an email and ask if you guys can talk over the phone or face to face and that is is really important to you.  You can do it!  You will know where to go after that talk has taken place.

I really hate that you are in this position – and I just wanted to say that while our circumstances are inevitably different – you are not alone.  Lots of luck

and hey! aside from this please smile…smile smile smile…enjoy the good moments.  Your wedding is going to be wonderful no matter what!  

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