Post # 1
I realize this is a new profile but I swear I am a longtime user especially during my wedding planning last year. I have a dilemma where I believe I know the answer (that I cannot back out of being a bridesmaid) but still wanted to get opinions, as I really feel the bride to be does not want me in her wedding but is not kicking me out due to etiquette, etc.
The bride is one of my closest friends, we talk ever day over blackberry messenger though we rarely talk on the phone or see each other as she lives one state over and we work opposite schedules.
The situation is that several months she misunderstood something I said and thought I was bragging about being “rich” (we are not rich, but not broke either especially now that our wedding is over and paid for). While I tried to clarify what I said (don’t even remember what it was, were were discussing the Occupy Wallstreet stuff), she refused to speak to me and gave me the silent treatment for at least a month, which was very painful for me. Now she is talking to me again, but it is very stilted conversation, and she has given me rules of things I cannot speak about (anything related to money, anything that implies we are doing well, anything about upcoming business trips I have in neat locations – not that I get to enjoy them). She also “changes” these rules, asked me questions about an item at a store that I had registered for then flipped on me for “talking about money” when I answered her question. I assumed I would no longer be part of the wedding, but recently she mentioned going to try on bridesmaids dresses and asked if I was planning her bachelorette party. I was shocked, and tried to bring up how I felt about essentially being dissed and given all these conversation rules, and said that I didn’t expect to be in the wedding, said that I felt she resented me and would never expect her to have someone in her wedding and subsequent pictures who she seemed so unhappy with, etc. She (tersely) said she wanted me in her wedding, and then ended the conversation. We haven’t really spoken since and now she’s sent me an evite to go dress shopping over July 4th weekend. I really don’t feel like our friendship will be the same (with some of the things she said to me while providing the “rules” it was apparent she has been resenting me for a while), and I don’t want to be in her wedding. Do I bring this up again and back out, which I assume will ruin our friendship forever, but then again, do I put forth the effort while feeling so shunned between now and her December wedding to “keep up appearances” only to lose her as a friend regardless?
Post # 3
@NotABadBM: I think you may have answered your question yourself at the end there. It sounds like you’re going to lose her as a friend regardless, so why put yourself through the unpleasantness of going through with being in her wedding?
And, if you really want to justify it, dropping out now would give her time to find another Bridesmaid or Best Man to replace you (sounds like she doesn’t care that much about the person doing the role anyway…).
ETA: Seriously, you can’t talk about business trips? As if they’re fun…
Post # 4
If you don’t want to lose her as a friend then I think you need to have a talk with her about your friendship (not about her wedding). Let her know how her behaviour/actions makes you feel. I am sorry but to me friendships are about respecting each other and agreeing to disagree about certain things. Friendships should never come with rules or demands. She doesn’t sound like she is being a very good friend.
Post # 5
To me she does not sound like a friend worth having, to be honest, being a Bridesmaid or Best Man or not. I wouldn’t want to be in her wedding, and I really wouldn’t want to waste any of my free time having to walk on eggshells around her after the fact.
Post # 6
I don’t think you can “ruin the friendship forever,” because I think she already did.
Do you think being her bridesmaid will repair the relationship? If so, go ahead and do whatever you can to salvage this. If you don’t believe it’s reparable, then tell her as respectfully as you can that after thinking about it, you don’t believe this is best for her.
Post # 7
I say this as a big lefty, Occupy supporter, and someone who has struggled over the last few years (DH was unemployed for a year):
Your friend is being controlling, hurtful, and bratty. Telling you what you can and can’t talk about?! For heaven’s sake. I have friends that are SO much wealthier than I am, but I don’t blame them for that, and I sure as hell don’t tell them they can’t talk to me about their lives!!
Once, I had a friend who was being somewhat insensitive at a time when we were really struggling financially (talking about how stressful it was trying to buy a house in an expensive town with her millionaire fiance, seriously). So I had a talk with her about how that made me feel. She totally understood, apologized, and we moved on. Because that is how grownups handle it. She is still one of my best friends.
Sorry, this isn’t answering your question. I’m just really indignant that your friend would treat you that way. I’d say the answer depends on whether the friendship is salvageable, in your opinion.
Post # 8
IMO a Bridesmaid or Best Man should only stand up in a wedding if she fully supports that friend and marriage. You said you don’t want to be in it so don’t. I think it’s better for a Bridesmaid or Best Man to drop out than be “fired.” If someone asks you to participate in a wedding you have the option to opt out if you change your mind. You haven’t bought a dress yet so this really is the best time. In all honestly, the friendship probably won’t survive but she really sounds like a crappy friend anyway.