(Closed) Can I ban people from my UK church wedding?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1600 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Are you inviting them or not? I’m assuming you’re not inviting them if you don’t want them there, but if that’s the case, how would they know when to show up at the church for your wedding?

 

 

Post # 5
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

I don’t think you can ban them, but if you’re really worried they’ll turn up, just have your Ushers keep an eye out for them and be prepared to turn them away. Is your FH aware of your concerns? 

 

I can’t see them wanting to turn up if you’re not friends, but the Ushers should be able to handle it if they do.

Post # 7
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@MissLOVELOVE:  I’m not sure how much help the Vicar would be, because it isn’t really his ‘fight’, if that makes sense?

They can ‘expect’ to be invited all they want, doesn’t mean they will be, and if they show up without an invitation then the Ushers can show them away. The only person they can manipulate for an invitation is you, and if you don’t want them there then they don’t get to be there!

Equally, are you paying for the wedding, or your parents? If your parents are, then they are the hosts and they get final say. My mum reassured me of this when I was worried about someone’s boyfriend who… has the potential to upset things a little if he comes as a plus one. She or Dad would ask him to leave if he caused a scene. Equally, your mother and father can ask these people to leave if they turn up. Although by the time your father arrives the ceremony will be underway, but you understand what I mean! Parents can hold a bit more weight in these matters if they come to confrontation.

Brief the Ushers, and maybe let your parents know your concerns as well.

Post # 9
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@MissLOVELOVE:  Haha – my mum would rise to the challenge if anyone tried to upset my wedding! She made a little boy cry once when he was picking on me. If your mum’s anything like my mum, she’ll defend your day!

If they query why they haven’t been invited, just refer them to your mother. My mum specialises in being sickly sweet to people she doesn’t like, which makes it difficult for them to get shirty with her even if they’re not getting their own way.

Post # 11
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@MissLOVELOVE:  I wouldn’t even bother with the facebook message – I think that could be seen as a bit confrontational and stir up more trouble. Besides, they don’t need to know, it’s none of their business.

Are the invites coming from your mum and dad? As in – “Mrs So-and-So LoveLove would like to invite you to the wedding of her daughter…”?

If so, then any queries should go through your mum anyway! Sorted! Just give her a head’s up, so she can get her fighting face ready.

Post # 12
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

Whether the Vicar will do anything or not, you need to brief him. Neither you nor your mother have the authority to ban anyone, nor even to “turn them away”. The wedding ceremony is a church service: the Vicar is the host (on behalf of God) and everyone is entitled to attend.

That being said, it is a crime to disrupt a church service. If these people do anything disruptive, they can not only be ejected, they can be charged. It’s the responsibility of the Vicar and the wardens to make sure that no disruption takes place, and to lay charges against the perpetrators if necessary. But if your ushers try to “turn someone away” without first getting the authority from the Vicar, it will be the ushers who are creating the disturbance.

Your best bet is simply to have the ushers seat these people in a far back corner, preferably behind a pillar or up in a mezzanine, where you won’t have to see them.

Post # 13
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@aspasia475:  Is that true? I know if I have a Nuptial Mass (Catholic church, lots of incense, my mother wants a choir…) then the whole congregation is allowed to attend because it’s a Mass.

But I think if I had a wedding service aside from the Mass, it could be kept private. And I thought this was the case in Anglican churches as well – because you’re technically hiring the venue, and paying for it, wouldn’t you be able to keep it private?

I’m not super up on it though, so I don’t know.

Post # 14
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@aspasia475:  +1

OP, churches are public areas of worship and are open to eveyone so I don’t think you or anyone else has the right to turn people away (the Vicar can comfirm the rules of your church).  If they do show up, your best bet is to have the ushers seat them in the back and out of the way.

Also, please don’t post a passive-agressive message on FB, no good will come of that.

Post # 15
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

OP, I’m sorry to say that I think the other posters are right. Anyone is entitled to attend a UK church wedding – I think it’s because rather than paying for a marriage license, as you would do at a registry office, you are married by the “banns” which is when they start to announce a few weeks before that you will be married on X date, and anyone with a legal impediment should come forward to object. Anyone is allowed to attend so they could raise a legal objection (and it does have to be legal, not just “I don’t like him”) at the “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit. Like in Jane Eyre.

So legally they are entitled to attend but really, will they want to if they’re not invited? I think they’ll get the message and you’ll be OK. Best wishes.

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