Post # 1
UGH! This is going to be a long one Bees – I hope some of you take the time to read it and respond.
Ok – I am completely and utterly upset with 3 people in my bridal party. MOH – and 2 Bridesmaids. Aside from the fact that they are being very bitchy towards me and not helping – they have done a few personal things on the side to really make me upset.
Now, I am a VERY non-confrontational person. I avoid drama and arguments at ALL costs. So the word has crept amongst the group that I’m upset that no one has helped me, but everytime someone asks me about it, because of my non-confrontation personality, I tell them “no big deal, I’ll do ____ myself” But that’s just the thing. NO ONE asks me if I need help with anything until they hear a rumour that I’m upset about it.
I have 4 other bridesmaids who also havent offered to do anything – but they havent really pissed me off in anyway. It seems they are just in there to look pretty as it stands right now. They just havent been remotely concerned about anything and my wedding is less than 2.5 months away.
At this point I really REALLY wish I would have thought of this sooner. I wish I just had my 2 brother stand beside me at the alter. They are the only ones I genuinely feel would be special to have up there with me.
My bridesmaids all put $100 deposits down on thier dresses. – I really just want to offer to give them all thier $100 bucks back and tell them I just want my brothers up there with me.
I know this wont go over well in my very traditional, VERY gossipy Italian family, but it just feels like that’s the thing I want most now. It has consumed me.
What the heck do I do!?!?
Post # 3
first and fore most, this IS YOUR DAY, and you don’t need the drama, if buying out your bridesmaids is going to make you sleep a little better at night then DO IT, I think having your brothers who are family and mean more to you standing next to you is awesome. If you are going to be in a consent fight with your bridesmaids, then i think you do whats best for you, ask them to step down and see if the dress shop will refund their deposit and if they wont, and you are willing to refund the money then do it ! I wsh you the best of luck 🙂
Post # 4
Honestly, none of my bridesmaids are doing anything to help me get ready for the wedding which is less than 3 weeks away. Okay, one of them folded some things, but that’s it…and there are 5 of them. Don’t stress and don’t lose friends over something you may regret. Weddings are a stressful time, so just sit back and think about everything.
Post # 5
@TheFutureMcBride: it’s not the “not helping” aspect that is bothering me.
It’s the personal things they have said and done behind my back that is upsetting me the most.
I just feel like if I want the 3 of them out, then everyone has to go, to avoid more problems.
Post # 6
Ok, well here’s my 2 cents.
I don’t think your giving these girls the right tools with which to succeed at being good bridesmaids. They didn’t offer their help, true – which is awful, really. But then when they ask you what you need help with you say “it’s fine.” That’s not helping this situation. TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED. They are not mind-readers.
I think you at least should call them all – today – and tell them the truth. You are upset that they haven’t helped. You haven’t been honest with them when they have offered assistance. Your feelings are hurt. Perhaps you feel overwhelmed.
Tell them how you are feeling yourself. Don’t let them hear it from others. Give them a chance to make it right. And if they still don’t change their ways, buy em out. But at least, this way, you’ve given them a second chance.
And start – today – being honest and upfront about what you need.
This quote is on the side of my yoga bag, but I love it. I think it’s SO true.
“Communication is COMPLICATED. Remember that each person is raised in a slightly different family with slightly different definitions of every word. An agreement is an agreement only if each party knows the conditions for satisfaction and a time is set for satisfaction to occur.”
I know you said you don’t like to be confrontational, but I think sometimes, as women, we confuse confrontation with “bitchy”. That’s just not so.
Speak to these women from the heart, and be clear and concise.
Be strong! You can do it!
Post # 7
Thank you! Your adivce rocks!!!
I have tried to round them up all for a coffee to talk about things but they ALL always flake out. I have litterally said “Hey, lets all get together for a coffee so we can talk about the wedding and I can tell you what I still need helpo with” and they sayd “yeah great idea” so I try to set a date and no one ever commits.
I have asked them for help on specific things but they never end up helping. They say they will, then they flake. so I just do it myself and say dont worry about it.
I don’t know what else I can do!?
Post # 8
@AutumnD: I would give up the idea of a group meeting. Just talk to them individually. They do sound rather flaky. Are you the first one in your group to get married? It sounds like they just don’t understand how epic wedding planning can get,
But like I said, I’d give em one more chance – after telling them straight out what you need and expect – and if they still are being shi**y, cut them loose!
Post # 9
Autumn, I come from an Italian family myself so I can definitely understand your predicament. I would say its too late to kick them all out. Just try to get together with them individually. You don’t have to specifically say its for wedding talk ONLY that may be a bit intimidating but just ask them out for coffee and naturally wedding stuff will come up. If you appear to them as care free as you say then this should be a breeze of a conversation!
Post # 10
I have learned quickly that 1) no one cares about my wedding even a tenth as much as I do and 2) bridesmaids are not obligated to help. All they really HAVE to do is buy a dress and show up on the day…and they technically should be nice about it, and be nice along the way! But we al know that that is not always the case.
I would not try to do a group, let’s all talk about the wedding thing. That just breeds “ugh, she only wants to talk about herself” thoughts in BMs who are already being snarky. I would do what some other bees have suggested, and talk to them individually, adressing what they have said and done that has been hurtful.
I know I have had dreams of me and my bridal party sitting around, crafting and drinking cocktails and laughing – it ain’t happening. It sucks! I have a couple of girls who would be excited to do that with me…but definitely some who would not.
Good luck, I hope you end up happy and unstressed with whatever you decide.
Post # 11
Sorry but your BMs are not required to help you. They are only required to buy a dress and show up on time. Mine haven’t really helped me and I’m perfectly fine with that, as I like to things myself. If you kick them out then you are essentially ruining your friendship over nothing. And the fact is they do ask what’s up when they hear you’re upset and you tell them it’s no big deal so honestly what do you expect?
Post # 12
I had a similar situation with my bridesmaids.
I thought about just letting them all go, and, like you, paying their non-refundables. My FI convinced me that I needed to talk to the girls. If I was so at-ease talking about them behind their backs, he said, why couldn’t I talk to the girls who I deemed good enough friends to be my bridesmaids?
Since they were in Michigan, and I now live in SC, I called them all, individually. I told each girl they were important to me, and that’s why I’d asked them to be part of my wedding, but that I felt like they weren’t interested, and asked if this was really something they wanted to be a part of, or if it was just a financial inconvenience and they’d like an easy way out.
All of them apologized and asked what they could do to help from afar. I gave each girl some small tasks, and felt so much better afterwards.
Remember that this is your wedding, and you shouldn’t have to share all your wonderful pre-wedding moments, from the parties and favor preparation to that moment in your room where you don your gown, with people who don’t care about sharing that moment in your life…