(Closed) Can I demote a Matron of Honor?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
4653 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@OBXbrideNC: Demoting her would probably really mess up your friendship. I think you need to sit down and tell her that you know she loves her husband and child but they can not tag along to everything. Maybe give her a list of things her husband and child can come to (rehersal dinner) and tell her that things like the bachlorette party is kid and husband free.

BUT I do have to say having 3 weekends (not even counting the bridal shower) that you are requiring her to go to is a lot. Maybe she didnt know that your wedding was going to have so many weekends. I would talk to her about it and give her a option to opt out of going.

Post # 4
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I think you’re just going to have to sit her down and explain the situation to her… ie that it is inappropriate to take her husband and kid to these events. If she can’t bear to leave them behind, then she just can’t go, although maybe don’t say it quite like that! As far as the whole matron of honour thing goes, you have a choice to demote her or not. I (the master of non-conflict… AKA cowardly) would be tempted to ask one of your other bridesmaids to help you out with the wedding, and keep her as maid of honour in name only. This should work out fine, providing you hadn’t got any special jobs for her to do on the day, like give speeches. because if she has to give a speech about how much she helped you whilst the girl who did the work sits there and seethes, it won’t make for a very pleasant time. If she has specific roles to do on the day, then I would either just bite the bullet and demote her, risking bad blood, or else suggest having two maids of honour… and choose a co-maid who is less busy!

EDIT: Just read the post above… excellent advice for how to approach the situation… far better than mine! You may still have to look elsewhere for help planning your wedding, though, as she obviously doesn’t have the time.

Post # 5
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Honestly I think demoting her would be kind of mean…I had a friend act similarly to me during my wedding planning and I really think it’s because my wedding was not the top priority in her life…her daughter came first. That’s kind of what this sounds like to me. Does her husband not want her to go? Maybe she was trying to compromise by bringing them along.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t think it’s worth demoting her and ruining your friendship over…One day you will look back and it won’t really seem like that big of a deal anymore. That is my perspective at least 🙂

Post # 6
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you need to just step back and put things into a different perpsective before you do anything. I agree with the PP that it does sound like you have a lot of time where you are expecting her to be with you and maybe she did not understand that commitment when she agreed to be your matron of honor. I think that other than the rehearsal and wedding day, no one is really required to do anything although I’m sure you really want their help. She has a kid and a husband who I’m sure would love to see the places that you are going to and I think if they are in a different hotel, you really can’t be upset that they will be in the area. 

I agree that you should make boundaries to your events, letting her know when they will be included. Is your bridal show after party your bachelorette party or just something you wanted to go to? 

I think demoting someone would be extreme, especially since your main issue seems to be that she wants to be with her child and husband. 

Post # 7
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with others, demoting her is a bit harsh.  You definately need to talk to her.  She obviously seems clueless how you feel about things. 

Post # 8
556 posts
Busy bee

dont demote her. that’s really rude. and you cant even guarantee the new person would step up.

communication is key. talk to her about your expectations and how you see her role so it’s clear to her. but also be realistic and recognize she has a husband and a young child to take care of. you may also be asking her to do a lot of traveling. she has a young child.

are your other bridesmaids helping? my best friend had me as Maid/Matron of Honor but i was out of state so i didnt accompany her on shopping trips. she had her mom, future sister and mom in law and two other bridesmaids do shopping trips for final opinions and then she sent me pictures.

i personally would hate to do that much traveling and shopping.

plus you dont know the dynamics of her family–some people dont want to leave their husbands or responsibilities alone. some couples dont want to be apart. maybe she doesnt trust him alone. maybe her kid is secretly sick. maybe she cant have another kid and she’s obsessed with the one she has. (yes, i watch a lot of tv.) 
be kind. everyone is fighting their own secret battles.

Post # 9
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I agree that you are asking a lot of her. The role of the bridal party is to wear the outfit assigned and be there on time the day of the wedding. All the extra things they are willing to go to and help with are bonuses.

Maybe you kind ask another friend that is planning mode to attend these thigs with you so you aren’t burning out your bridal party. And no I wouldn’t demote her, it will more then likely make things really awkward between the two of you.

Post # 11
8360 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@OBXbrideNC:  But you chose to do those things- unless of course she held a gun to your head and said do it. And that was really nice of you to do- she is a lucky friend but wedding and life for that matter is not tit for tat.

I think you were really rude to “demote” your BM- to me it is basically saying my wedding  is way more important to me than our friendship.

Post # 12
203 posts
Helper bee

@OBXbrideNC:  I understand your feelings on this issue.  I do appreciate what everyone’s said, but you must have felt she wasn’t taking her role seriously (in truth, did she really want it?).  Anyway, I’m glad it turned out well between you and you haven’t lost your friend.

Post # 14
203 posts
Helper bee

@OBXbrideNC:  That was totally unfair. Do you have someone else in mind to take her place?

Post # 16
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Bridesmaid help is not tit for tat. Maybe she says she doesn’t mind being replaced because she doesn’t want to tell you how she is really feeling.  If I was asked to step down as a bridesmaid my feelings would be seriously hurt, but I would think twice about telling the bride, at least until her wedding was over.

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