Post # 1
Ok, my matron of honor introduced me to my finacee, kind of. They went out on a couple of dates and hated each other so she gave me his number. Well I went and filmed Say Yes to the Dress and she tried to bring her husband and 2 1/2 year old kid to stay at another hotel b/c she could go the weekend without seeing her kid. It worked out where her husband couldn’t come. I mean, this is a GIRLS thing. We were going out, not worrying about a husband and kid trying to tag along. Well now we are doing a night at the beach for a bridal expo, there is going to be an after party etc. So I booked a hotel room and made all the arrangements. She didn’t hel, but ok, whatever. She tries to invite her husband and kid to STAY with us! I was like…uhhh..and she said well i told him that it would be alot of girls doing girl things. So I’m thinking ok good. Then she says, well we are just going to stay in another hotel and I guess I will go at some point since you already paid for the ticket. WTF? Then says is my finacee going so him and her husband could hang out. I said NO I told him he wasn’t allowed, no guys on this trip. And she didn’t say anything. WHAT DO I DO!?!? She’s not helping me and she wants to crash everything with her husband and kid, even talking about bringing them to the BACHELORETTE PARTY!! HELLLLP!!!
Post # 3
@OBXbrideNC: Demoting her would probably really mess up your friendship. I think you need to sit down and tell her that you know she loves her husband and child but they can not tag along to everything. Maybe give her a list of things her husband and child can come to (rehersal dinner) and tell her that things like the bachlorette party is kid and husband free.
BUT I do have to say having 3 weekends (not even counting the bridal shower) that you are requiring her to go to is a lot. Maybe she didnt know that your wedding was going to have so many weekends. I would talk to her about it and give her a option to opt out of going.
Post # 4
I think you’re just going to have to sit her down and explain the situation to her… ie that it is inappropriate to take her husband and kid to these events. If she can’t bear to leave them behind, then she just can’t go, although maybe don’t say it quite like that! As far as the whole matron of honour thing goes, you have a choice to demote her or not. I (the master of non-conflict… AKA cowardly) would be tempted to ask one of your other bridesmaids to help you out with the wedding, and keep her as maid of honour in name only. This should work out fine, providing you hadn’t got any special jobs for her to do on the day, like give speeches. because if she has to give a speech about how much she helped you whilst the girl who did the work sits there and seethes, it won’t make for a very pleasant time. If she has specific roles to do on the day, then I would either just bite the bullet and demote her, risking bad blood, or else suggest having two maids of honour… and choose a co-maid who is less busy!
EDIT: Just read the post above… excellent advice for how to approach the situation… far better than mine! You may still have to look elsewhere for help planning your wedding, though, as she obviously doesn’t have the time.
Post # 5
Honestly I think demoting her would be kind of mean…I had a friend act similarly to me during my wedding planning and I really think it’s because my wedding was not the top priority in her life…her daughter came first. That’s kind of what this sounds like to me. Does her husband not want her to go? Maybe she was trying to compromise by bringing them along.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t think it’s worth demoting her and ruining your friendship over…One day you will look back and it won’t really seem like that big of a deal anymore. That is my perspective at least 🙂
Post # 6
I think you need to just step back and put things into a different perpsective before you do anything. I agree with the PP that it does sound like you have a lot of time where you are expecting her to be with you and maybe she did not understand that commitment when she agreed to be your matron of honor. I think that other than the rehearsal and wedding day, no one is really required to do anything although I’m sure you really want their help. She has a kid and a husband who I’m sure would love to see the places that you are going to and I think if they are in a different hotel, you really can’t be upset that they will be in the area.
I agree that you should make boundaries to your events, letting her know when they will be included. Is your bridal show after party your bachelorette party or just something you wanted to go to?
I think demoting someone would be extreme, especially since your main issue seems to be that she wants to be with her child and husband.
Post # 7
I agree with others, demoting her is a bit harsh. You definately need to talk to her. She obviously seems clueless how you feel about things.
Post # 8
dont demote her. that’s really rude. and you cant even guarantee the new person would step up.
communication is key. talk to her about your expectations and how you see her role so it’s clear to her. but also be realistic and recognize she has a husband and a young child to take care of. you may also be asking her to do a lot of traveling. she has a young child.
are your other bridesmaids helping? my best friend had me as Maid/Matron of Honor but i was out of state so i didnt accompany her on shopping trips. she had her mom, future sister and mom in law and two other bridesmaids do shopping trips for final opinions and then she sent me pictures.
i personally would hate to do that much traveling and shopping.
plus you dont know the dynamics of her family–some people dont want to leave their husbands or responsibilities alone. some couples dont want to be apart. maybe she doesnt trust him alone. maybe her kid is secretly sick. maybe she cant have another kid and she’s obsessed with the one she has. (yes, i watch a lot of tv.)
be kind. everyone is fighting their own secret battles.
Post # 9
I agree that you are asking a lot of her. The role of the bridal party is to wear the outfit assigned and be there on time the day of the wedding. All the extra things they are willing to go to and help with are bonuses.
Maybe you kind ask another friend that is planning mode to attend these thigs with you so you aren’t burning out your bridal party. And no I wouldn’t demote her, it will more then likely make things really awkward between the two of you.
Post # 10
Well what makes me so mad is that I helped her with ALL SIX of her bridal showers and her lingerie shower AND bridesmaid luncheon AND wedding weekend not to mention running around to help her do errands inbetween. So why was hers important and mine isn’t?
I’m not asking anywhere NEAR what she asked of me and I wasn’t the Maid/Matron of Honor.
By The Way, I demoted her and I told her she had too much going on with her family and couldn’t help me like I needed her to and she said thanks for understanding.
Post # 11
@OBXbrideNC: But you chose to do those things- unless of course she held a gun to your head and said do it. And that was really nice of you to do- she is a lucky friend but wedding and life for that matter is not tit for tat.
I think you were really rude to “demote” your BM- to me it is basically saying my wedding is way more important to me than our friendship.
Post # 12
@OBXbrideNC: I understand your feelings on this issue. I do appreciate what everyone’s said, but you must have felt she wasn’t taking her role seriously (in truth, did she really want it?). Anyway, I’m glad it turned out well between you and you haven’t lost your friend.
Post # 13
@ukpussycat=FINALLY someone with some sense! yeah, it was like back when she got married it was I need to you to this and this this and this and I did it and didn’t complain b/c it was her day and that’s how it should be. Then when it’s my turn, she’s over it and doesn’t really care.
Post # 14
@OBXbrideNC: That was totally unfair. Do you have someone else in mind to take her place?
Post # 15
Yeah, I had a girl work take her place. But like I said, she didn’t really care that I demoted her. It just hurt my feelings that I did SO much for her wedding and she couldn’t show up at all to help me or wanted to bring her whole family all the time. And I told her that. She didn’t really say anything in response to that. I mean she’s still a bridesmaid but I need a right hand wingman for this wedding there’s just SO much to do, it’s a HUGE thing and it’s a destination wedding so it makes it hard to plan everything too.
Post # 16
Bridesmaid help is not tit for tat. Maybe she says she doesn’t mind being replaced because she doesn’t want to tell you how she is really feeling. If I was asked to step down as a bridesmaid my feelings would be seriously hurt, but I would think twice about telling the bride, at least until her wedding was over.