(Closed) Can I demote my sister from MOH to BM?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009 - St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House

You still have some time until your wedding.  Maybe she just doesn’t know what’s expected of her?  Could you try to draw up a list of roles and suggested responsibilities, and then have an open and honest conversation with her explaining how you’ll need her help up to the wedding day — as well as on it?

Post # 4
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

She’s your sister. You asked her to be your maid of honor because you love her, right? If she’s important to you, I would keep her on, demoting her will probably ruin your relationship and just wouldn’t be worth it.

Post # 5
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

No, it’s not ok to demote anybody, much less your sister. You have time to work it out. Try and see things from her side. Maybe she is jealous about all the attention you’re getting and she’s obviously having some love life issues of her own. Wait until things settle down and then talk to her. If you demote her, it will just make things harder to deal with and you’ll ruin your relationship.

Post # 6
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I guess I have a different view.  Yes, she’s your sister but this is also YOUR wedding. 

I would definitely attempt another talk with her, just so you know you’ve put an effort toward trying to get through to her. I agree that a list of responsibilities for her as MOH should be developed and handed to her.  Ask her if she’s able and willing to do them.  If not, well, ask her politely if she would mind if you asked someone else to take over as MOH.  The role does come with responsibilies.

The one thing that irks me is she went and got her dress without you, etc.  That would upset me too.

Keep us posted.

Post # 7
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

i wouldn’t go so far as to demote her. if you think talking with her in a calm manner will help, then do it. but based on your knowledge of her you will know better whether a talk would make any difference.  perhaps you could keep her as maid of honor but turn to one of your other bridesmaids who is a good friend and ask her to help you out with what would traditionally be MOH duties.

Post # 8
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

I have a little secret:  I was demoted by my sister and while I still feel like she didn’t appreciate me, I’m glad she did what she wanted to do. 

I was surprised that she asked me to begin with, and I felt that she had done it out of obligation.  I tried to do all the things that MOHs are supposed to do, but I let her down left and right.  I wish she would have told me what she expected of me, bc I had zero wedding experience,but she felt that I should have figured it out.  (Wish I had the hive then, I might have been much better.) Her wedding was also 3 months after my college graduation, and with no job and student loan repayment on the horizon, I coudn’t afford to be her MOH.  I threw all my energy into planning her shower, and she didn’t really like it.  I went dress shopping with her, but I couldn’t make it to all the fittings.  And I started planning a bachelorette weekend that I couldn’t afford to attend.  Basically, I was clueless and she was miserable with me as her MOH (by the end of it, I was too).  We had a big fight because of something I can’t remember and I didn’t talk to her for 2 weeks.  She used it as her out and told me that she had to ask her best friend to step in bc I was unavailable–I was relieved and a little hurt.  A year has passed and we’re fine.  We get along better than we ever have.  You should do what makes you happy and be honest about your feelings.  It may sound a little cliche, but it will all work itself out in the end. 

Post # 9
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with others that she might just not know what’s expected of her.  My younger sister is my MOH and at first she didn’t know what to do, not because she didn’t care, but didn’t have any prior experience as a bridesmaid, or with weddings in general.

Maybe get her one of those bridesmaids guide books or print out some stuff from The Knot…?  She might just be genuinely clueless and think that she was helping you out by getting the dress purchase “out of the way” so to speak.

I would just give her the benefit of the doubt and try to talk to her.

Post # 10
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I would not demote her. That will cause hurt feelings for years to come in your family.

You still have a lot of time before your wedding. I would suggest sitting down and thinking of everything you expect of her in the MOH role. However, please keep in mind that it’s a huge misconception for brides to think that their wedding party are their designated slaves for the next few months. I’m not saying that you think that, but you can’t expect a ton from your wedding party, other than getting their dresses (hey! yours has already done that!), shoes, accessories, attending all wedding-related events and showing up and being supportive on the day of the wedding and the rehearsal. That’s really all any wedding party member is obligated to do. Throwing parties and helping you with 200 favors is extra and not required. I didn’t expect anything from my MOH and BMs other than these things, and they have yet to let me down 🙂

Post # 11
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I don’t think it’s wrong to demote her. I would just tell her that’s she’s got a lot going on right now, and planning your wedding may interfere with what she needs to be focusing on. You love her, and you want her to be a part of your wedding, but it seems like she needs to regroup a bit before turning her attention to someone else.

In all honesty, my own sister is my BM, not my MOH. I love her dearly. And while she’s enthusiastic about my wedding and I’m excited for her to be a part of it, we don’t work well together. I handed the MOH reigns over to my best friend, and my sister is completely supportive of my decision. Things are less stressful for me and way more fun for my wedding party.

Good luck! Just make sure to remind her how much she means to you, and how much you value her help.

Post # 13
Member
599 posts
Busy bee

First try talking to her. Maybe there is just some miscommunication. I would advise, however, even if things are bad do not demote her. It will ruin your relationship. She will remember it forever. If you need more help why not explain to one of the other bridesmaids that your sister has to be your MOH but that you could use some extra help. That way you dont have to hurt your sister’s feelings and you can still get the help you need.

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