I hope this dosent turn into a landmine post but here we go
I see a lot of flak on these boards about "how can you walk away from someone you want to spend the rest of your life with/love more than anything, because he won’t propose when you want him too",
well my feelings on this, are if the love is mutual and he is telling me he wants to get married and doesn’t have a legitimate reason why he won’t propose (for me and many other girls, it’s not about the ring, the party, the dress) it’s about the question!, knowing that after everything we've been through that he truly means it when he says he wants forever, it’s about having self-respect.
it is an agreement entered upon by 2 ADULTS why should I not have a say in how long I’m willing to wait to get what I need in the relationship. It’s not saying you don’t get a ring, by 12/1/12 and *poof* you don’t love him anymore and are done, it means that you feel you have given him the time he needs to make the decision and meet you half way, my SO knows if he said to me tomorrow "let’s go get married, you +me +courthouse" I would be there no second thoughts, no regrets, but if after 6 years of nothing it is unfair to one party... and we have the power to change that, I am NO ONES OPTION, life and shit happen....everyday, no one gets a tomorrow, so if you mean it why drag it out to the point where the person "you love and never want to lose" is ready to leave...
I sound really harsh, but it is a big ol pill for me to swallow, to see some people post on these boards how we are wrong to have a "dis-engage" date when they post on here on other threads that they never had to wait, just because you THINK you understand does not mean you DO UNDERSTAND, there is a difference, and it is annoying....the statement don’t judge me till you’ve walked a mile in my shoes rings true with walk dates,
if you dated for a year or two then were magically engaged before you really started wondering, don’t come on here and tell someone whose been with someone 5+ years that you think it’s wrong that they have a date, where they are saying, hey you know what I matter too! so do my needs and if you aren’t going to fill those needs then I need to walk away....otherwise there will always be bitter resentment in the relationship because of what was taken away from one party that was important and it’s unfair to both....
It would be one thing if the other partner in the relationship had legitimate reasons for waiting to be engaged i.e.: he says "I’m only 20 yeah we’ve been together 5 years but I’m only 20 and not ready", that is different from a 30 year old guy saying the same thing, or even older
But when the other partner is saying, "oh baby I love you I want to marry you", and then nothing, but sweet words for sometimes YEARS! it messes with your head and your selfworth, sometimes people take their relationships for granted and procrastinate thinking the other person will always be there for when they get in gear, and sometimes people need that kick in the ass to go "Oh, Crap! I’ve got this great girl, I don’t want anyone else, and I didn’t think she was serious, holy crap! I don’t want to lose this girl, what was I thinking, I do WANT to marry her!" and does it, it isn’t FORCING someone to get married that is ridiculous....
My final point is I think a lot of waiting girls catch so much flack, because, we come off as "wedding obsessed" when I would be willing to bet money....that if you asked I’d say at least 75% of the girls on the waiting list, when it comes deep down to it if their significant other said tomorrow "will you marry me, I can’t give you a ring or a big wedding, I just want you all of you forever"....their answer would be "HELL YES! THAT’S ALL IVE BEEN WAITING FOR!" at least that’s how it is for me and girls who are in waiting that I know personally...so I get tired of the judgment and if you don’t like it then don’t comment on the "I don’t know what to do anymore threads", de-meaning their legitimate feelings, it makes you look like a snarky person which is NOT attractive....Many of these girls want the validation of being the wife, not the party....
end rant....sorry for the novel, props to anyone who reads this bad boy, but due to the joys of night shift I can’t sleep on nights that I’m off like tonight...so I read wedding bee....lol...cuz really who wants to fold laundry....
edited: hopefully made it easier to read...
@kansas_nurse: I wont landmine you, I honestly skimmed most of this because the small, large, italicized, bold font combo was killer to the eyes: I do like your final point though. It's all about the question and I fall into the 75%. 
But I do like shiny things, cant help it!
@Fleur.De.Lis: haha i have no idea why the font keeps changing size....ive tried to fix it and cant, i did bold and italicize some things because i felt they were important, other than that i cant seem to fix the font issues....sigh....im no techie...
Whoa, that is really hard to read. Do you still have time to go in and edit because I'm not sure anyone is going to read it.
Maybe break it into a couple more paragraphs and see how you go.
Well I read all of it and I wish I could "like" this or actually do a slow clap because I kept saying "Yes, yes, yes" to all the statements. I don't have a walk date myself but I can definitely understand why some women have them. It's not an easy decision to come to and making them feel bad about it is really not going to help.
@pink lantern: i tried and it says post is too old....dang just when i had it condensed to where it still made sense....sigh
I also read this and wanted to let you know that I share many of these thoughts and feelings. My pet peeve is the comments that start "I never had to wait, but...". IMHO, if you didn't have to wait, stop judging my waiting experience bc you don't have a clue!
@kansas_nurse: AMEN!
I was not in this situation but many of my friends have been. There is never a good time to buy and expensive ring and get married, so when you want it you just bite the bullet and do it!
Deciding to get married is a mutual decision made by two people. It requires compromise, not forcing one person to wait because the other one "isn't ready yet". As far as I am concerned, as a grown adult you have no business getting into a long-term relationship if you are not ready to get married.
I am all about walk dates and ultimatums because it shows that women have respect for themselves and aren't just waiting around for a man who may or may not ever give them what they want and need. It is so important to ask the tough questions early on even if you don;t like the answers so you can make hard decisions. There's nothing worse than a woman who stays with a man who has told her he doesn't want marriage and kids even though she does because she doesn't want to lose him, even though he will never be able to make her truly happy. If you aren't getting what you want and need from your relationship, get out and go after the things you want, find someone who will give you that! That is the one thing I learned from past failed relationships. It's better to know early on that he doesn't want marriage/kids rather than waiting and investing all the time and effort and finding out later and then trying to change him.
I can't stand that women today who state they want to get married are labeled as desperate and only looking for a man to marry and take care of her. Love isn't enough for people who wwant marriage and kids!
Very well put. People have personal biases and don't always realize when they're pushing them onto others and the result isn't always beneficial to the receiver.
In regards to wait-dates and giving your partner a nudge in the right direction - I had a walk date. I also nudged my DH. Several times. After we were married he made a comment that I think you'd appreciate. I was asking him what took him so long, why it seemed I was having to push him towards marriage despite the fact that he had stated we were on the same page. His answer? "I don't know. But I'm glad you pushed me. Later on I realized I should have started planning a long time ago, because you're what I wanted but I have no clue why I wasn't doing anything. I'm glad you pushed me." Granted, every relationship and partner is different but it's not unhealthy to give your partner the nudge, let them know your expectations, and preserve your self worth. Because, you're right, at some point it becomes one-sided and unfair for someone and no one deserves to be in that situation.
I've frequently found that those who were not waiting were not waiting because the relationship was progressing at a speed that was compatible for them and their partner was willing to put their money where their mouth was without constant reminders. Which has nothing to do with why others wait. We waited (or are waiting) because our relational expectations and their progression are NOT compatible for us but not so incompatible to force us to leave. It's a confusing gray area and one that is never understood by anyone as well as it is by the person in that relationship.
Well, I never had to wait; we were engaged six months into our relationship and married a year later. I think that my experience makes me advocate a walk date and frank discussion with your SO regarding expectations about marriage, if any. I can't think of a worse plan than waiting year after year for something which may or may not occur. Basically, that's giving someone else complete control over *your* future.
I have seen some very harsh judgement of those who discuss walk dates i.e. that giving an ultimatum is not something done within the confines of a loving relationship. Frankly, the opposite could just as easily be stated - being vague and non-committal is not something that should be done in a relationship either.
Puppies are awesome!
I have a walk date, but I prefer to think of it as a “self respect date”. It’s the point in our relationship where I feel like I’m spending too much time hoping for something that may never happen and giving too much of my heart to someone who can’t give the same back. Marriage is extremely important to me and even though my first marriage didn’t work, I still like how bonded you are when you are married. I don’t feel that way when we’re just living together. I need the commitment and security that marriage brings.. I want the same last name, I want to be a family. Most of all, I want someone who wants those things with me and wants them as badly as I do.
Also, I’m not old by any means, but I’ll be 29 next year and if I have to start my life all over again I would like to do it while I’m still young. I would like a child one day (even just one would make me happy) and I don’t want to wait too much longer if I don’t have to.
My boyfriend does not know that I have a walk date, but he does know how I feel about marriage and he knows how I feel about him dragging his feet with it. I’m pretty strong willed (most of the time, not so much lately) and I refuse to spend the rest of my life with someone who can’t give me what I need.
ETA: I'm in the 75% :)
I love my SO, but I will walk if marriage isn't on the table soon.
I want to be a wife and a mother and will only grow to resent him if our relationship doesn't evolve into that.
I'm not giving him an ultimatum, and I don't have a date in my head, but I know that the timing is about up, as I will begin resenting him if it doesn't happen within the next few months.
Thank you for putting this so clearly and eloquently. If you and your SO discuss the future and what both of you want, there shouldn't be confusion and doubt about his intentions. and why are only his intentions and readiness so important? Each relationship is different but every woman knows deep down when her guy is sincere and when he in stringing her along. but it's hard to face those hard truths so they justify it and spend their time driving themselves sick with doubt.
you know yourself and what you deserve. don't accept any less. i'd rather be alone and happy than in a relationship with someone who doesn't value me.
Thanks for writing this post!
I am not waiting, and have to say that with DH, I didn't really have to wait either. BUT this has a lot to do with the fact that I waited with my ex, and started dating DH like, right after dumping the ex and feeling like I had lost 6 years of my life. I was very straight forward with DH that he was not to waste my time and that I would not waste his either.
It really irks me when I see women posting that if you love the man, you shouldn't be concerned about when he proposes. That if you really did love him and wanted to be with him, it's shallow to want the marriage to happen.
Love is a great thing, but it's not enough. You also have to be with someone who wants and values the same things as you. Who have the same goals and ACTS TOWARDS THAT GOAL. Just talking is not enough.
In my situation, all the waiting was a good thing, because it gave me time to see all that was wrong in our relationship and today, I thank God that he never proposed when I was so desperate for him to do so, because I would be a miserable wife today. I suffered a lot, but I had the self-respect to leave and found myself a fabulous husband who wanted the same things I did and treated me like a queen and still does.
So I guess if I can allow myself one unrequested advice for the ladies who are waiting and waiting, please examine your relationship to really decide if this waiting is worth it (sometimes it is, and sometimes not..)
Sorry for the novel... I really feel strongly about this and hate to see women belittle waiting women who are almost ready to leave, calling them selfish. Sometimes you do have to think about yourself.
@kansas_nurse: lol i read all of it. hang in there! i've been on both sides of the coin. i've been with guys for 4 years and 6 years who said they wanted to marry me but didn't hold up their end of the bargain by making me a priority so i left. it wasn't spurred by a walk date. the relationship itself went bad. and now i'm with the man of my dreams who says he wants to marry me AND he's putting action behind his words by buying an e-ring and we've only been together for 6 months.
i get it. and like others have said, yes i'm definitely part of the 75%.
I agree - people need to chillax with all the judgement. Everyone and their relationship are different.
Yes to all of that! I have nothing to add because you covered it all.
I agree with so much of what you said. The only people who understand are the ones who have been in that situation (**raises hand**). No, you are not just "trying to plan a party," it's about having self respect and understanding that there are TWO people involved in a relationship. I have always found it unfair that just the guy gets to decide when to propose because the last time I heard, a relationship involved both parties and both should be able to make the decision. I am also somewhat traditional and wanted him to propose to me, not vice versa, therefore even though I was tempted to do it, I wouldn't.
It makes me so mad when some people try to villify waiting girls because they seem "desperate"--anyone in a serious, long-term relationship would want the same thing; it's just that some girls aren't so lucky to get a proposal as early as others.
I totally feel ya, and even though I'm on the flip side of marriage I can still empathize with you because I know the pain. It is all you can think about because it is what you want to much. You question yourself, your relationship--everything. The best thing I can say is keep the line of communication open. At some point you will get a feeling that something is going and and that you can stop talking about it so he can just do it.
Good luck and I hope you don't have to use your ultimatum!
THANK YOU.
I am 24, but I have always been more mature and I have always had a plan for my life. My SO is in agreement and we want the same things but i need him on board first. I need the validation of him asking. We can go to city hall to get hitched...i dont care.
when people ask me why I'm rushing, I want to go postal. Most of these people never waited years or made their partner wait years because of their own issues. I dont want to go forward until he lets me know it was worth it by waiting.
i have a walk date and he knows it. he says it wont get to that point but i totally understand the ladies who do have one.
Omg this is totally deserving of a slow clap!!!!
Also, to whomever said their DH thanked them for pushing, my SO has yet to ask me anything but has been thanking me lately for pushing, and told me yesterday that he doesn't think he quite understands how all this makes me feel. I was like, ugh, guys! but chose instead to explain it calmly. =)
Very well said. I am glad you took the time to write this out! Well done :)
I +1 the comments about "Love isn't everything." I love my parents, I love my sister, I love my cousins, etc. I even have a really close male friend (never dated) who I love very much! But that doesn't mean I'm interested in marrying and starting a family with him! Yes, love is important. But compatibility is even more so. That male friend of mine, he remains close to my heart, but never, ever, in the way a wife would feel for her husband. I could never see us working out as a family. My current SO however, I knew was the one before I was even 100% sure I loved him. We just work. And I'll admit that I also had to nudge him in the right direction. I come from a long line of women who don't like to waste time!
PS. I LOVE cheese!!! :D
My friend is about to celebrate her 10 year dating anniversary. He bought a house a couple years ago and she pays rent to him. Every year it's - maybe this year will be the year. Lately she's saying that they've started talking about venues and stuff. But still no ring.
My other friend has been dating her bf for 10 years as well. The difference is he's outright stated that he doesn't want to get married based on so many failed marriages in his own family. Her walk date was her 30th birthday (a year and a half ago) which came and went. At this point she's resigned to the fact that he doesn't need a piece of paper to show that he loves her and has no intentions of going anywhere else. She loves him and wants to be with him regardless of the ring and the certificate.
I think everyone has a different situation and it's unfair to judge. Some guys are putting it off because they are afraid. Some guys don't necessarily want the traditional marriage. Some guys just aren't ready yet. It's up to you to figure out what is going on with your man, and whether or not you are willing to wait as long as it takes.
Good luck to all you waiting Bees out there!
@kansas_nurse: PREACH!!!
"Many of these girls want the validation of being the wife, not the party...."
That's all Im asking. I have been with my SO for 6 yrs, I have the pleasure of being his: Friend, Girlfriend, Lover and Mother of his 2 children. I just want to be his WIFE! I deserve it. he agree's, but ACTIONS (ie Proposal) speaks louder than words.
@MrsWBS: "As far as I am concerned, as a grown adult you have no business getting into a long-term relationship if you are not ready to get married."
So true!!
Man, I wish I could LIKE this post and comments.
had to add that my SO knows if he were to ask me to go to city hall now and get married, i'd ask 'what time?' lol. its never been about the wedding for me, i value the marriage more than anything so im definitely apart of that 75%
thanks again for posting this.
@kansas_nurse: Amen! Well put, refreshing, and so true!
I think people need to take a little more responsibility when it comes to posting rude and unhelpful comments. Just because we are all anonymous here doesn't make it right or less offensive. I'm so sick of rude people saying don't get offended it's only the internet. This is supposed to be a supportive community and offensive comments are not appreciated. If you want to post snarky crap go on another site.
PS I loooooove puppies!!!
I 100% agree with everything you said. I waited just about 5 yrs for me ex to ask the question. I justed wanted to be his wife hve his last name. And only AFTER I walked out with all my things bought my oiwn house and showed him i didnt need him and wasnt going to sit around and wait anymore, did he say I miss you I want to marry you please come back. I said no not this time and moved on from there. Now i Have a great guy that realizes what he has and asked me to be his wife.
For all those ladies still waiting, Put a time on it. You shouldnt have to wait forever for the other person to make up there mind. What you want is important and you shouldnt comprimise or change that for anyone.
@kansas_nurse: Totally agree with you that it comes down to self respect. I haven't quite been in this situation myself, but I understand where others are coming from. It's not like a magically easy decision to say "Ok, it's been X years, I will walk after X date".
It's about what you want out of life. If marriage is what you want, then you won't be happy with something else. You always hear those stories of how a guy is with a girl for 5+ years and then they break up and bam, he marries the next girl in less than a year.
I'd be insulted if I was playing house with a guy... living as husband and wife effectively, but he wouldn't want to marry me. It's like oook, you waiting for something better to come along?!
Thanks everyone! I was just reading through some waiting posts when i couldnt sleep, and it started to disturb me that the younger waiting women were basically told they were being selfish and "too young" at like 24, because they are not gonna be the same at 25, well you arent the same at 30 as you are at 60....it is about finding someone to grow and change WITH you! and then to the older ladie i was seeing the statement that i stated earlier about "how can you really love someone and leave", well it just irks me....esp if theyve never been there.....it was after like the 12th post i read where it was someone laying out legitamate reasons to leave, and get chastized for it.....it just irked me a whole lot....
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