Can I just get something off my chest please!

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Everyone loves a good poll! so here is one about nothing to lighten up the mood since im grumpy!
    I LOVE CHEESE! : (50 votes)
    22 %
    I just opened this because there was a poll! Did someone say CHEESE! : (57 votes)
    25 %
    I loooove PUPPIES! : (82 votes)
    35 %
    Haha i like shiney things and cant sleep as well! : (43 votes)
    19 %
  • Member
    320 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove

    @kansas_nurse:  I wont landmine you, I honestly skimmed most of this because the small, large, italicized, bold font combo was killer to the eyes: I do like your final point though. It’s all about the question and I fall into the 75%. Laughing But I do like shiny things, cant help it!

    Member
    270 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Whoa, that is really hard to read. Do you still have time to go in and edit because I’m not sure anyone is going to read it. 

     

    Maybe break it into a couple more paragraphs and see how you go. 

    Member
    2968 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Well I read all of it and I wish I could “like” this or actually do a slow clap because I kept saying “Yes, yes, yes” to all the statements. I don’t have a walk date myself but I can definitely understand why some women have them. It’s not an easy decision to come to and making them feel bad about it is really not going to help.

    Member
    1786 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I also read this and wanted to let you know that I  share many of these thoughts and feelings. My pet peeve is the comments that start “I never had to wait, but…”. IMHO, if you didn’t have to wait, stop judging my waiting experience bc you don’t have a clue!

    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee

    wish i could facebook like this :)  

    Member
    11022 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @kansas_nurse:  AMEN!

    I was not in this situation but many of my friends have been.  There is never a good time to buy and expensive ring and get married, so when you want it you just bite the bullet and do it! 

    Deciding to get married is a mutual decision made by two people.  It requires compromise, not forcing one person to wait because the other one “isn’t ready yet”.  As far as I am concerned, as a grown adult you have no business getting into a long-term relationship if you are not ready to get married.

    I am all about walk dates and ultimatums because it shows that women have respect for themselves and aren’t just waiting around for a man who may or may not ever give them what they want and need.  It is so important to ask the tough questions early on even if you don;t like the answers so you can make hard decisions.  There’s nothing worse than a woman who stays with a man who has told her he doesn’t want marriage and kids even though she does because she doesn’t want to lose him, even though he will never be able to make her truly happy.  If you aren’t getting what you want and need from your relationship, get out and go after the things you want, find someone who will give you that!  That is the one thing I learned from past failed relationships.  It’s better to know early on that he doesn’t want marriage/kids rather than waiting and investing all the time and effort and finding out later and then trying to change him.

    I can’t stand that women today who state they want to get married are labeled as desperate and only looking for a man to marry and take care of her.  Love isn’t enough for people who wwant marriage and kids!

    Member
    2923 posts
    Sugar bee

    Very well put. People have personal biases and don’t always realize when they’re pushing them onto others and the result isn’t always beneficial to the receiver. 

    In regards to wait-dates and giving your partner a nudge in the right direction – I had a walk date. I also nudged my DH. Several times. After we were married he made a comment that I think you’d appreciate. I was asking him what took him so long, why it seemed I was having to push him towards marriage despite the fact that he had stated we were on the same page. His answer? “I don’t know. But I’m glad you pushed me. Later on I realized I should have started planning a long time ago, because you’re what I wanted but I have no clue why I wasn’t doing anything. I’m glad you pushed me.” Granted, every relationship and partner is different but it’s not unhealthy to give your partner the nudge, let them know your expectations, and preserve your self worth. Because, you’re right, at some point it becomes one-sided and unfair for someone and no one deserves to be in that situation.

    I’ve frequently found that those who were not waiting were not waiting because the relationship was progressing at a speed that was compatible for them and their partner was willing to put their money where their mouth was without constant reminders. Which has nothing to do with why others wait. We waited (or are waiting) because our relational expectations and their progression are NOT compatible for us but not so incompatible to force us to leave. It’s a confusing gray area and one that is never understood by anyone as well as it is by the person in that relationship.

    Member
    688 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Well, I never had to wait; we were engaged six months into our relationship and married a year later.  I think that my experience makes me advocate a walk date and frank discussion with your SO regarding expectations about marriage, if any.  I can’t think of a worse plan than waiting year after year for something which may or may not occur.  Basically, that’s giving someone else complete control over *your* future.

    I have seen some very harsh judgement of those who discuss walk dates i.e. that giving an ultimatum is not something done within the confines of a loving relationship.  Frankly, the opposite could just as easily be stated – being vague and non-committal is not something that should be done in a relationship either.

    Puppies are awesome!

    Member
    1081 posts
    Bumble bee

    I have a walk date, but I prefer to think of it as a “self respect date”. It’s the point in our relationship where I feel like I’m spending too much time hoping for something that may never happen and giving too much of my heart to someone who can’t give the same back. Marriage is extremely important to me and even though my first marriage didn’t work, I still like how bonded you are when you are married. I don’t feel that way when we’re just living together. I need the commitment and security that marriage brings.. I want the same last name, I want to be a family. Most of all, I want someone who wants those things with me and wants them as badly as I do.

    Also, I’m not old by any means, but I’ll be 29 next year and if I have to start my life all over again I would like to do it while I’m still young. I would like a child one day (even just one would make me happy) and I don’t want to wait too much longer if I don’t have to.

    My boyfriend does not know that I have a walk date, but he does know how I feel about marriage and he knows how I feel about him dragging his feet with it. I’m pretty strong willed (most of the time, not so much lately) and I refuse to spend the rest of my life with someone who can’t give me what I need.

    ETA: I’m in the 75% :)

    You must log in to reply to this topic. New to Weddingbee? Sign up to join the conversation!

    Related Topics:

    Why can't I leave?

    Find Amazing Vendors