Post # 1
Sadly, I wish this was a realistic question. Why can’t we just marry the guy and not the family. After 5 years of non sense from them I’ve finally had enough. Maybe I’m just tried and irritable. Maybe enough is enough.
Well today FFIL made a long distance call to my FI. I picked up his cell instead because 1. FI doesn’t like to pick up numbers where he doesn’t recognize the # (his dad usually calls from his mom’s phone) 2. FI was still eating pizza which left him with two greasy hands. Here’s how it went:
FFIL: Who’s this? (in a who the hell is this tone)
Me: It’s (name)
FFIL: Put FI on the phone. (once again in the same, why the hell are you picking up his phone tone of voice)
Mind you, he didn’t call FI for an urgent reason. He just called just to call.
It just ticked me off. UMMMM How about a hello back? Would that be too much to ask? He’s been doing that to me for ohhhhh the past 5 years. I just bite my tongue for the sake of our relationship and my FI but dang it enough is enough!!! Years ago, he used to just ignore me when I would say hello to him. He finally came around about two years into the relationship but that wasn’t any better. He just kept saying over dinner how my FI could’ve done so much better. How his previous gfs were so much smarter. He actually said that right before we moved to another state just a little over a year ago.
Since then I’ve kept my distance. However recently I had to see them often for his brother’s wedding. Well………. my FFIL decided that he wanted to ignore me again. And for what? Because my parents haven’t invited their family out to dinner!! HAVE mercy. My parents know how my FI’s parents have treated me. Why would they want to treat them out? Where did they get this idea you ask? My FSIL. My FI’s bro’s wife’s family (whoo that was long) invited his fam out to dinner and they had a ball. So my FFIL thinks they deserve the same from us.
Well to cut the longer story short. They all gave me grief and brought me to the point of tears about my parents not treating them out. They ended up meeting face to face at the airport when we were moving and my dad approached FFIL to ask him to take care of me (figuratively speaking). My dad was telling him how I was a precious daughter to him. GUESS WHAT FFIL DID? He ignored my dad. Didn’t even look at him.
I DESPISEEEEE THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate him with my soul. He acts like we’re poor folks trying to marry into a millionaire family. My family makes FOUR TIMES what they make. Yea FOUR TIMES. GEEEEZZZZZZZZ. Not only that they keep telling him to not let me control his life. WTF??? Does getting your son to finish college mean controlling to you? Does getting your son to explore the world and travel more mean controlling? AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Honestly I have thoughts about just not marrying my FI to avoid the pain.
Post # 3
(((Hugs))). I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Does your FI know how you feel? Does he stand up for you?
Post # 4
He knows but he doesn’t do anything because he says itll just make things worse. He threw a fit saying that at least I only had to endure it for the past 5 years when he went through it all his life.
Post # 5
I’m sorry. It sounds like your FI knows that they are jerks. I think you should minimize contact with them as much as possible. I wouldn’t bother trying to converse or otherwise form a relationship with people who behave this way. The next time FFIL snaps at you, I would just tell him that he doesn’t have to like you, but he does have to be civil. Your FI needs to have your back on that too.
Post # 6
Yea well I would tell him your about to endure it for the rest of your life. That is ridicolous. I think your FI needs to stand up for you, and let his parents know they are being rude. I would talk to your FI and really let him know that it bothers you that his parents are rude and unkind to you, and if in fact it does bother you that he doesn’t stand up for you to let him know that bothers you too. Good luck with everything and hope everything works out.
Post # 7
Hmm, I actually kind of think the FILs are jealous of your family. If they have an idea that your family makes more money and hasn’t offered to take them out…or they think your family has money, and perceive you are spoiled and plan on “living off your SO”… or just trying to bring you down, because they are jealous.
IDK, just a thought. Even if it’s true, I don’t know how it would help, though.
I’m sorry you have to go through it. But if you are actually considering not marrying your FI because of how FFIL treats you, I think you owe it to FI, to have a long talk. Set up some ground rules for dealing with FFIL. (This is how many times we’ll visit. We’ll cut the visit short if something negative is said… or however you work it.)
Post # 8
I am sorry you are going through this. I understand why you would hesitate to marry your FI, but, I think the best thing is to talk to him. I know, you must have talked to him many times about it already, but you need to talk to him about the ground rules. It’s his job to stand up to his parents when they are out of line, and that’s for you two to decide. If he doesn’t stand up to them, maybe it would help to talk to a marriage counselor. His parents aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, but at least by getting on the same page, and staying away from them as much as possible you guys can have some peace.
Oh and as far as his father being rude on the phone, I would have started talking to him as if he was polite “Oh, hi! How are you? Things going well?? FI’s busy hold on a second…how’s the weather?” to piss him off. Sometimes its best to “kill ’em with kindness.”
Post # 9
WHAT A JERK!!!!! i am so sorry you have to deal with this LOSER!!! how awful! from now on you ignore him!! see how he likes it!
Post # 10
I KNOW WHAT YOU”RE GOING THROUGH!! I have the a similar issue with my BF’s Dad. He’s called me a bitch and said he wasn’t coming to our wedding (if we ever get to that point). Long story short. He lived with us for a year and a half and he thinks I kicked him out. Yes, I admit, I was tired of him being there. We got into this huge fight while my BF was gone for a few weeks and the rest is history. This was about 3 years ago. Since then, he had dinner at a restaurant with us once (which he invited himself to) and didn’t say a word to me. it PO’s me because I know deep down that him saying he’s not coming to our wedding bothers my BF and I wonder if that’s why he’s not proposing.
Post # 11
**Hugs** I don’t think it’s fair that your FI writes it off because he doesn’t want to make it worse and says that at least you’ve only had to deal with it for the past five years. Next time FFIL brings up your family not treating them to dinner I would tell him just what you have stated here: that after the way his family has treated you, you don’t see why your family should have to treat them to dinner. I would tell your FI that he needs to start sticking up for you around his family.
Post # 12
Sorry to read this post. It brought back some bad memories — had a BF whose family was never MEAN to me, they were actually pretty nice, but the ex BF always put them FIRST, and if the mom ever said anything about me, he “gently” backed me up, but never put an end to it. Really hurt me. They were always nice, but I never felt accepted, and although the ex knew that they were being petty and superficial, the ex never gave me comfort that they were being unreasonable or that he had my back.
Fast forward to current situation. FH has an amazing family, sometimes I feel like they love me more than they love him (although I know its not true). I am so fortunate to be marrying into a family who loves me and accepts me for who I am and can’t stop telling me how excited they are that I will be their FDIL. FH says that if they were to EVER say anything negative about me or be mean to me, he would never talk to them again, and they KNOW it. So they would never say or do anything negative … not that they’d have a reason to 🙂
I don’t say this to make you feel worse, but I think the difference is NOT the parents. It is your FI’s reaction to them and support of you. HE needs to be the one to put his foot down and say, you will not treat my FW this way or suffer the consequences (lose your relationship with me). Doesn’t he know how much it hurts you to be treated like that? Doesn’t he care? I think you should talk to him about how much it hurts you and how much it would mean to him for you to have your back and demand they treat you like a human being. They don’t have to like you, just treat you like a person.
Not sure if there is a specific reason why they don’t like you (for me, it was because I was “too short” — if you can believe it) but if there is a way to improve on that, just try to be the bigger person and for the sake of your relationship with them, try. And of course, always be cordial to them no matter what. I’ve found that if you kill people you dont like with kindness, they end up feeling like jerks in the end. Well, IF they have a conscience.
Good luck. Being in a similar situation (but to much less of a degree) I really feel for you. But keep in mind that you are not marrying your FI’s family, you are marrying him.