(Closed) Can I marry my FI without his parents? Long vent……..

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

(((Hugs))).  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  Does your FI know how you feel?  Does he stand up for you?

Post # 5
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m sorry.  It sounds like your FI knows that they are jerks.  I think you should minimize contact with them as much as possible.  I wouldn’t bother trying to converse or otherwise form a relationship with people who behave this way.  The next time FFIL snaps at you, I would just tell him that he doesn’t have to like you, but he does have to be civil.  Your FI needs to have your back on that too.

Post # 6
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yea well I would tell him your about to endure it for the rest of your life. That is ridicolous. I think your FI needs to stand up for you, and let his parents know they are being rude. I would talk to your FI and really let him know that it bothers you that his parents are rude and unkind to you, and if in fact it does bother you that he doesn’t stand up for you to let him know that bothers you too. Good luck with everything and hope everything works out.

Post # 7
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Hmm, I actually kind of think the FILs are jealous of your family.  If they have an idea that your family makes more money and hasn’t offered to take them out…or they think your family has money, and perceive you are spoiled and plan on “living off your SO”… or just trying to bring you down, because they are jealous. 

IDK, just a thought.  Even if it’s true, I don’t know how it would help, though.

I’m sorry you have to go through it.  But if you are actually considering not marrying your FI because of how FFIL treats you, I think you owe it to FI, to have a long talk.  Set up some ground rules for dealing with FFIL.  (This is how many times we’ll visit.  We’ll cut the visit short if something negative is said… or however you work it.)

Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am sorry you are going through this.  I understand why you would hesitate to marry your FI, but, I think the best thing is to talk to him.  I know, you must have talked to him many times about it already, but you need to talk to him about the ground rules.  It’s his job to stand up to his parents when they are out of line, and that’s for you two to decide.  If he doesn’t stand up to them, maybe it would help to talk to a marriage counselor.  His parents aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, but at least by getting on the same page, and staying away from them as much as possible you guys can have some peace.  

Oh and as far as his father being rude on the phone, I would have started talking to him as if he was polite “Oh, hi!  How are you?  Things going well??  FI’s busy hold on a second…how’s the weather?”  to piss him off.  Sometimes its best to “kill ’em with kindness.”

Post # 9
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

WHAT A JERK!!!!! i am so sorry you have to deal with this LOSER!!! how awful! from now on you ignore him!! see how he likes it!

Post # 10
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I KNOW WHAT YOU”RE GOING THROUGH!!  I have the a similar issue with my BF’s Dad.  He’s called me a bitch and said he wasn’t coming to our wedding (if we ever get to that point).  Long story short.  He lived with us for a year and a half and he thinks I kicked him out.  Yes, I admit, I was tired of him being there.  We got into this huge fight while my BF was gone for a few weeks and the rest is history.  This was about 3 years ago.  Since then, he had dinner at a restaurant with us once (which he invited himself to) and didn’t say a word to me.  it PO’s me because I know deep down that him saying he’s not coming to our wedding bothers my BF and I wonder if that’s why he’s not proposing.  

Post # 11
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

**Hugs**  I don’t think it’s fair that your FI writes it off because he doesn’t want to make it worse and says that at least you’ve only had to deal with it for the past five years.  Next time FFIL brings up your family not treating them to dinner I would tell him just what you have stated here: that after the way his family has treated you, you don’t see why your family should have to treat them to dinner.  I would tell your FI that he needs to start sticking up for you around his family. 

Post # 12
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Sorry to read this post.  It brought back some bad memories — had a BF whose family was never MEAN to me, they were actually pretty nice, but the ex BF always put them FIRST, and if the mom ever said anything about me, he “gently” backed me up, but never put an end to it.  Really hurt me. They were always nice, but I never felt accepted, and although the ex knew that they were being petty and superficial, the ex never gave me comfort that they were being unreasonable or that he had my back. 

Fast forward to current situation.  FH has an amazing family, sometimes I feel like they love me more than they love him (although I know its not true).  I am so fortunate to be marrying into a family who loves me and accepts me for who I am and can’t stop telling me how excited they are that I will be their FDIL.  FH says that if they were to EVER say anything negative about me or be mean to me, he would never talk to them again, and they KNOW it. So they would never say or do anything negative … not that they’d have a reason to 🙂

I don’t say this to make you feel worse, but I think the difference is NOT the parents.  It is your FI’s reaction to them and support of you.  HE needs to be the one to put his foot down and say, you will not treat my FW this way or suffer the consequences (lose your relationship with me).  Doesn’t he know how much it hurts you to be treated like that? Doesn’t he care? I think you should talk to him about how much it hurts you and how much it would mean to him for you to have your back and demand they treat you like a human being. They don’t have to like you, just treat you like a person. 

Not sure if there is a specific reason why they don’t like you (for me, it was because I was “too short” — if you can believe it) but if there is a way to improve on that, just try to be the bigger person and for the sake of your relationship with them, try.  And of course, always be cordial to them no matter what.  I’ve found that if you kill people you dont like with kindness, they end up feeling like jerks in the end.  Well, IF they have a conscience.

Good luck. Being in a similar situation (but to much less of a degree) I really feel for you.  But keep in mind that you are not marrying your FI’s family, you are marrying him.

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