Weddingbee boards

I know that in the grand scheme of things, it's not that important, but I think I feel bummed about the lack of showers and presents because it's so built into the whole wedding experience (okay, the wedding industrial complex).

Yes, I know I shouldn't be materialistic, and it's not the gifts, but the fun that I'm bumming on missing out on too.

We've been engaged since the December 2010 holidays, and we had to keep it downlow because of work.  But once we were out, no one offered to throw a party, so we didn't have one.

And I don't think that there'll be a shower because my bridesmaids seem to be in debt up to their ears now (btw, I'm not having them buy dresses or anything), and my sister is in college.  One bridesmaid keeps saying things like, "I don't think people are going to give you any gifts - people are cutting back nowadays."  Guess I'll have to nix an out-of-town bachelorette given that!

We registered for gifts a year ago, and no one has bought a single gift (EDIT I said this because it sounds like other brides do receive gifts beforehand because of showers and such).

My mom isn't one of those fussy moms, so she hadn't been super involved until I paid her after she was laid off so she could help me with some planning I was too busy with work to contend with.  My sister hasn't called much or provided many ideas even though she works in event planning.

Am I a bad person for feeling bummed on missing out on this stuff?

@zagora:  No you are not. So there is no one to throw you a shower whatsoever? No aunt or cousin? I was bummed because we didn't receive as much as I had hope. I'm not going to lie I was hoping for the $4k that my friend got at hers. We got about half that. What's important is that you are marrying your life love.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel that way at all. I think we all have certain expectations of the way the whole wedding process will go, and when things don't go that way it's only natural to feel disappointed.

One thing I will say is May 2012 is still VERY far away in terms of gift-buying....I'm lucky if I buy a wedding gift a week before the weddings I go to-it's usually the day before, or even the day of. It's just not really on my radar until then. So don;t worry too much about the gifts.

If you are worried about showers, etc I really think you should talk to your girls.....a lot of people think a shower has to be a big, expensive to-do, and that might be what's throwing them off. Maybe tell them that you would be fine with something smaller if that's what they can afford. Maybe they just don't want to let you down?

I don't think people normally start buying you gifts off of your registry until they are invited to either a shower or your wedding, so I'm not sure why you are upset that nobody has gotten you a gift yet.  I agree that showers don't have to be expensive, and perhaps your friends are just trying to keep it a secret, but you may want to ask your mother or sister if they have heard anything about a shower and if you BMs aren't planning to do one maybe you can help your mom/sister plan it.  I definitely scaled back my bachelorette party because I wanted to make sure that certain friends would be able to attend, which I have no regrets about at all. 

I think your BM's comments about people not getting gifts because of the economy is simply not true (I live in the DC area as well and I didn't experience anything like that), though maybe she is preparing your for the fact that she doesn't plan to get you a gift because of her personal financial situation.

Thanks for the responses.  They're definitely making me feel better.

Is it appropriate, though, to even say something to my friends?  I feel bad asking them, "will you throw me a small potluck shower" for some reason.  If it's fairly common to initiate and ask, I can definitely do that.

My sister and mom are each in different states than me, and I don't have any aunts or other female relatives in the country - so it's just friends.  Some of my bridesmaids are out of state too.

With regard to the registry, I just meant that there haven't been any engagment parties or showers, hence no gifts yet.  (Although as I said, one bridesmaid is saying I shouldn't expect to receive gifts at the wedding, given the economy...)

@ohmybears48:  Thanks!  :)

We registered early (heck, my invitations were addressed mid-year) because we work in politics and we knew this year would be ridiculous.

@dashwoodgirl:  Honestly, I would be thrilled with a mani-pedi girls' day in and some inexpensive booze and maybe a pizza from 2 Amys! I don't think my family would make it, but maybe just DC friends could.

EDIT:  @everyone:  Thanks for your feedback - I really, really liked your ideas and suggestions.  I think I'm also bummed in part because of the family aspect.  My mom just moved from NC to CO, and while she lived far away before, she's ever further away now and getting settled into her new life.

I think I'm going to focus on organizing a fun bachelorette two days before the wedding so people will already be in town.  May try to organize a girls' getaway (non-wedding related) just for fun.  :)

I think the problem lies with your EXPECTATIONS.  Did you expect that getting married meant that you should be lavished with parties and gifts on a very regular basis?   I really don't see how any of those things have anything to do with the reason you are getting married, do you? 

@ViaMinorViator:  Thanks for your feedback.  It seems like I must have invented the tradition of a shower in my head.  Apparently they're never done.

Thanks for setting me straight.

Agree with PPs... even though your engagement has been "out" for some time, if your wedding is in May it is no surprise you haven't had showers or gifts yet. That's 4 months away! I've never been to a shower more than 2 months out from a wedding date. And I've been to many surprise showers. We all deliberately bought our gifts off the bride's registry the day before, so she wouldn't suspect anything.

@sweetcrackers:  Your post just made me realize we're 3 months out this weekend.  ZOMG!

Well, again, folks are all over the place, so it would have to be organized soon because of my schedule and theirs. 

BUT - I'm just going to accept it's not going to happen, prod a DC-based BM to see if she can organize maybe a low-key pizza night for local girlfriends and be happy.

@dashwoodgirl:  YES!  Let's do a Weddingbee DC brunch!

@dashwoodgirl:  I actually don't think it was completely out of line in terms of the idea presented, though perhaps pushing it in terms of wording.

I do think there's some level of balance needed in terms of trying to understand expectations and what others might be expecting.  First of all, are the women in the wedding party from backgrounds that are big on showers?  It's a legitimate question, especially in the DC area where no one is really "from" DC.

I am from a culture that does bridal showers, but even reading this thread, I don't feel like I could connect to most of you guys when it comes to expectations.  I'm not from a poor background by any means, but almost everything I see here as mentioned for a toned down affair is the norm in my experience.  I haven't been to one in probably 7 years, so if the standard shower is now expected to be catered and at a unique venue with sizable rental fees, then I don't blame bridesmaids on a budget for not knowing quite how to handle the situation.  I think they especially deserve a break this far out if they are potentially trying to balance expectations with what they can do.

I also think it gets very messy for someone who might be thinking of planning something like this when some default key guests like family are so far away.  My family is also spread across the country at this point, so I wouldn't even wish it on any of my friends to try and pull them all together for a shower with them.  At that point, as a hostess, you're now tasked with asking people to spend even more money to travel just to bring a gift to the bride who they will be seeing again at the wedding.  If the bride has ever mentioned the financial issues with her family that she hints at here, then I can see where that would be uncomfortable to even ask.

Given that the OP also mentioned she was initially planning on an out-of-town bachelorette party, I think it's fair to remind people to weigh expectations versus what the people you've asked to step up can really do.  I know plenty of people who have had great mini-vacations with the girls, but I seriously can never envision a situation where I would actually expect someone to plan and do that for me.

Just because I have also been to some lovely showers and had a blast putting on bachelorette parties for friends, I don't expect any of these things because of many of the issues that the OP's family and friends seem to facing.  If we decide to even have attendants at our own wedding, I'll be asking two people who won't be able to help me with anything due to distance and finances.  If I ask them to stand with me, it's because their friendships have shaped who I am in a positive way, and I want them there with me on that day.  Just because showers are commonly done (apparently significantly more lavishly than I was aware of before now) and out-of-town bachelorette parties are popular doesn't mean that I expect them.  Sure, if either were to ask me to stand with them, I would try to do these things if I could.  It doesn't mean I'd be in anyway hurt or bothered if they couldn't do the same for me.

I do think that the OP does need to take things into her own hands, though.  If having a celebration with the girls is important to her, then organize one.  Ask people out to brunch, host a gathering in her home, or even just organize a girl-themed happy hour.  Lord knows that DC is the happy hour capital.

@LibertyBelle:  Further down someone said, "can you ask them for a scaled-back version of a shower?" and I replied with, "honestly, what would be perfect for me would be some at-home mani-pedis with pizza and cheap booze."

I think you raise a good point overall - I think as an industry or as a complex, there are higher expectations than ever.  (Like the posts on all those wedding websites about the perfect theme and the perfect giveaways for showers, etc., that looked like they were catered by Martha Stewart and cost no less than $500 to throw.) 

I don't think my expectations are anywhere near that high - I was more speaking to being bummed on missing out on the celebration aspect of it, rather than the "I want a PERFECT shower." I just want a shower with FRIENDS.  That's all I was saying.

And totally fair (and good) point re: family.  I don't expect my family to come (although folks should be invited), but I need to signal to girlfriends that it's okay if my sister or mom can't make it given their schedules.  I'm sure they wouldn't want for me to not have fun social gatherings just because they're in other states.

And yes - I think I'm just going to take things into my own hands, and just throw a party.  I'll make it clear it's not a shower (then it'll seem like it's gift-grabby), but I'll throw a few parties here in DC and elsewhere where my friends are, and it'll be fun.  :)

EDIT:  And if I'm being a big ol' crybaby-jerk, I'm sorry - I just wanted to be able to be honest and down about it for a little bit.  I'm just feeling left out of the tradition that is hyped up so much and posted about frequently, and I'll get over it.

@dashwoodgirl:  Thanks so much for your suggestions!  Really helpful!