Solution: since DH is sick and hasn't planned anything anyway, take his credit card and buy yourself a birthday present, a DVD, a fancy cupcake from a fancy bakery, and take-out from your favorite place. Then, put on your pajamas and enjoy! It's not what you wanted, but it's the next best thing.
@dannielle89: I can understand your feelings, love! Honest.
Sadly, girls are planners, boys are not. I love my husband, but realistically I know he waits until the day before (and sometimes day of) an event to purchase a card for me. It's similar to my father; he shops the night before Christmas. LOL. They don't think about things the way women do. To women, "the thought counts" really holds true.
The fact that you think you're acting like a big selfish bitch miiiiight be enough of a clue to let you know that yes, this is ridiculous.
You love birthdays so YOU went to all that effort for him.
But I could not care less about birthdays, so maybe I'm biased. Everyone has them, year after year and I really don't understand making a big hoo haa, unless you're a kid or hitting an age 'milestone'.
Birthdays haven't been a big deal for me; I don't really care that much. So this probably won't help you... but my fiance's birthday is on the 21st, and I wanted to get something or do something for him, but we figure any money I spend... it's basically our money, so... it's like spending money on himself. haha. He just said we could go out to dinner or something. I'm going to try to think up something unique or somewhere interesting, but we just sort of see it as spending our own money on ourselves, so it's not really as "gifty" as it would be if we weren't engaged. =\
That being said... maybe you can ask your husband if after he feels better, you guys can do something special for your birthday? It'd be delayed, but it would let him know you WANT to do something. You can say something like "I don't really know what I'd to do for my birthday, but I want to spend it with you and I'd like it to be special. If you could help me think up something, or even surprise me if you'd like, I'd be really thrilled. But mostly I want to just do something with you to celebrate, but after you're feeling better."
You might not really get to do much on your birthday, but he can't help being sick. So maybe you should pretend your birthday is next week or so, and then do something to celebrate it then?
Perhaps he is surprising you. I don't have anything delivered to the house for DH's birthday or Christmas (nor does he). At least get to your birthday before deciding that he has failed.
Of course you can feel upset and disappointed!! You clearly put a lot of thought and effort into his birthday, and he doesn't seem to be returning the favour.
Having said that, though, there is a good chance he just doesn't view birthdays the way you do, and may not see the point in going all-out for your birthday the way you did for his (to be honest, I think that was an incredibly extravagant birthday, unless it was some kind of milestone birthday?), so he may feel a little outdone? My fiance and I generally agree not to make a big deal of birthdays, otherwise one ends up spending/doing more, and feelings can get hurt that way.
As another poster said, I think just grab his credit card and spoil yourself a little with a nice day at home with him. It may not be the big deal you wanted (and it sucks that he's not planning it himself), but unless you're gonna come right out and tell him exactly what you want, I think you're stuck feeling like this.
And can I point out that men are big babies when they are sick??? DH got sick a month ago...an intestinal thing. I took care of him like crazy then just as he started feeling better, I got sick with a severe cold. He was still trying to get over what he had so I took care of us both....then just as I got over it, he got it. And whined and cried about how terrible he felt. Trying to get him to take medicine was like pulling teeth...and his cold lasted a few days longer but I still took care of him.
He's finally better but during an emotional day, I told him that he didn't do anything for me when I was sick....no meals, water, meds, etc. I really hurt his feelings doing that though but I refused to let him think I wasn't disappointed.
Take his c/c and remind him that when he gets better, you want to celebrate....maybe that will give some extra time to plan...maybe!
I think doing something nice for yourself on the day (on his credit card if that makes you feel better!) AND telling him you want to celebrate after he's better are both good ideas!
I don't think it's true that girls are necessarily always planners and boys aren't; my husband's definitely a planner and I'm not. But it is true that some people value birthdays a lot and plan for them, and some people don't. I've got a friend who always, always does something for her friends' birthdays, no matter how busy she is -- bakes a cake, arranges a meet-up, produces a present -- whereas I often miss her birthday because I'm not that organised (I always get her something, just maybe it'll get to her late). I feel a little bad about that and don't know if she resents me for it, but I hope I make up for it by being a good friend in other ways -- e.g. being available pretty much whenever she wants to hang out, listening when she wants to moan about her life or job or boyfriend, giving her random gifts at times that aren't her birthday. If your husband is more like me I guess you just kind of have to accept it, and try to remember the things he is good at?
I definitely understand where you're coming from. My birthday is Thursday, and I already got ice cream cupcakes and a card from FMIL, and then we're going to FFIL's house Friday for the family birthday brownie tradition. I've never had someone do something super cool for my birthday anyway, and FI isn't that creative (not to mention that he's busy with classes 5x a week and all of our money is going into the bank for bills and the wedding).
I gave up on having anyone else do anything cool on my birthday years ago. :\
Sometimes when we can't get the people we love to do what we want, we have to do it ourselves. Take yourself somewhere nice and try to not hold a grudge.
@vorpalette: Have a great Birthday!
@dannielle89: How about celebrating a belated birthday? You might have to do the planning (his treat of course), but you could wait until he feels better and then plan a big day for yourself. It's not exactly what you wanted, but at least you'll be able to enjoy yourself with him.
Guys just aren't great at planning this stuff, so clear communication is key. You can't plan a big day for him and expect him to understand how important your birthday is to you. I think if you explain your expectations to him (when he's feeling better) he'll get the point. Either way, I hope you have a wonderful Birthday!
@theone99: I'm with you 100%
OP, sorry you're disappointed, but this is the man you married. There's no surprise here, big birthday planning and surprises just isnt his thing... apparently it never has been, and it probably will never be. Either he's going to change what he does, or you're going to have to learn to change your expectations for your birthday, or you're in for a big dissapointment every year. (Sorry if this just sounds cold, but this is also coming from someone who couldnt care less about dates/anniversarys/birthdays). I hope you have a great birthday and can celebrate it to your liking though!
@MissHobbit: Ditto!
Happy (early) Birthday! I'd go out and do something nice for myself, anyway. Go out and do something fun for a bit. Enjoy it!
I get where you're coming from OP. I don't think it's just fair to say that this is the way he is and you knew this going in, so you should just accept it. If that were true, then why do people go to counselling or read relationship books or try to communicate with their spouse about problems? It's about understanding what's importavt to the other person and occasionally trying to cater to that, even if it's not your habit. I mean, it's not like you're asking him to give up a passion or a hobby...just do for you what you have done for him, once a year.
How long is it until your b'day? I would honestly just talk about it...in a playful, light-hearted manner but definitely bring it up. My SO and I communicate like that and I don't know if it's your and your SO's style but it's the only way to know for sure so you're not disappointed on the day. Even though he's sick at home, I'm sure he could pop out to get a small cake and some takeout and prepare a small picnic at home on your living room floor, as well as get a small present and flowers for you. You guys could go somewhere fancy or do something unusual when he feels better.
Last year on my birthday my husband went out ON MY BIRTHDAY and was gone four hours, finally came home and thrust a golf club in my hand and said proudly 'I had to go to seven stores!' >8< Now, mind you, I had told him *three months earlier* exactly what golf club I wanted. I made my own cake. Delicious. Moral of the story is, you really just can't get worked up over how they are. They just ARE that way. But Happy Birthday!!
There is nothing wrong with being upset about this, I'm exactly the same way. I don't care about much, Christmas, Valentine's Day, even our anniversary can be a low key dinner out, whatever...but on my birthday I WANT SOMEONE TO SHOW ME THEY'RE HAPPY I WAS BORN!!! This used to be my mother's sole province, but she's been ill for the last four years so that left Mr. 99 to do the job...luckily he had a lot of help from my sister, my mother and my Dad. Otherwise I would have spent the day crying in the bathtub....seriously.
DH is sick, no one is nearby, time for some desperate measures! If it was me I would go into that bedroom where the feverish shell of a man that used to be your husband is laying and I would say this: "Honey, you are so sick and I am so sorry BUT it's my birthday and unless you want to add the possibility of me crazy murdering you with a chainsaw for forgetting, I propose this: give me your credit card and tell me how much I can spend, if you can't do it yourself I'll do it for you this time."
A man with ANY basic level of sense would accept these terms, treat yourself to a day at the spa, a luncheon with wine and a shopping spree for something you want, not something you need...then go home, have some chicken soup and a birthday cupcake with DH and celebrate another year if the books, you've earned it!
@dannielle89: I actually plan everything for my birthday, and his birthday, and any holiday. That is just the way it is with us. If I want something, I have to tell him. He wants to give me what I want, sometimes they just don't know how. Hugs. Have a happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!
Yep selfish, as PP said men tend not to think like we do when it comes to birthdays. As I get older I could care less about birthdays, it is just another day. If you want to do something for your birthday then do something for yourself, don't rely on your DH. From the sounds of it he doesn't really do birthdays...
I HATE when I put in effort in a relationship and that effort isn't matched. If I tell you all the things I did for my exes who 'didn't have money' or 'time' to think of things or buy me a gift or take me out to dinner or buy me a single rose, OY. I broke up with all of them because the effort wasn't matched. I FEEL YOU and don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong. He might be sick now, but he had a full year from your last birthday to think about this time. And, I don't care about birthdays, but I certainly expect my SO to make mine special for me. Plus, he should know how you feel about them and if they're that important to you, then he should make it important to him!
No, you're not selfish and you're not a brat and you're not a bitch. You're just tired of putting in more effort than he is when it comes to birthdays. I don't blame you.
Does he put in effort on other occassions?
In your SO's defense, I've had strep like 4x in the last year and it's the WORST. I literally couldn't move out of bed for FIVE DAYS straight. It was hard to get up to pee. My SO had to walk my to the potty and stay with me because I thought I would topple over midstream.
Wait until your birthday has passed and he's feeling better. If he hasn't done something that's up to your standards, bring it up to him - tell him you're disappointed that you put in so much more effort when it comes to birthdays than he does and how important it is to you and how you would really appreciate it if he could go all out on your birthdays from now on.
ETA: I'm shocked at all the people who are saying things like you're being selfish or a bitch or that 'guys aren't planners' or whatever. Sorry, but my SO is a planner and that's why I'm with him. If you want a planner, then don't settle for someone who isn't. Guys are not all the same. Maybe there are tons of guys who aren't planners, but that's NO EXCUSE for a guy to not plan. Way to let them off the hook, ladies. Not acceptable to me, OP, and it doesn't seem like it is to you, either!
@dannielle89: Nope you are definitely NOT as selfish person. It's natural to feel upset when people don' t make as much effort into things when you have.
I've had it happen to me for several years in high school where I'd plan special birthdays for my girlfriends and buy them really meaningful presents and cards. Then on my birthday, some of them didn't remember and I would not even get a Happy birthday from them. These were my best friends. Seriously, I never cared about presents but just a 'Happy birthday' would have been nice. Sigh. What took the icing of the cake was when one friend came to my birthday lunch with a pair of earrings that had peeling paint on it and was a bit rusty. It wasn't wrapped, there was no birthday card and I actually saw the exact same pair on sale for $3 at the mall. This was from a friend who I had organised a huge farewell and birthday party for when she was about to move overseas.... It literally felt like my heart was going to break when I saw how little effort she had gone for me :( As you can see, I still feel rather resentful about it :(
Hang in there and please let your DH know how you feel.
Yes it's selfish... but I think you can be on your birthday. It's not his fault he got sick near your birthday but you can either choose to celebrate it yourself like a PP suggested or you can do a belated birthday.
On an unrelated note that you didn't ask for advice about... I think it's kind of unhealthy that you don't have any local friends to do girl stuff with on a whim. You can't always wait around for him to do things with you and then get mad that he didn't or can't.
@somethingaquamarinel: agreed x1000. I would so do this myself.
I'm in the same boat... Last year I took my then-boyfriend on a 2 week long vacay for his 30th... Planned all the details.... I didn't expect the same but I have high expectations for my birthday (yep totally high maintenance and I have no problem with that!) Anyway I was a bit letdown on my own birthday but that's totallyok because I know I'munrealistic with my expectations.
Very ironic but my finances birthday is in 2 days too.. 11/8.
I planned lots of fun stuff but no 2 week vacays ;-)
When I started to read OP's post, I thought to myself that I probably wouldn't comment but then I saw some of the responses.
How can anyone say, let alone THINK, that men just don't plan. It's completely not true and its an insane generalization to make. They plan perfectly fine when they WANT to. Just because women happen to take over that funciton in many relationships doesn't mean that's just the way it is. I HATE planning (in fact, all this wedding stuff is really not fun for me), but when FI's birthday comes I make the effort. That's just part of being in a rela! Doing stuff you dont want to do and that isn't always easy for you. This is the guy she married?? OP isn't asking for a fundamental change. Just once a year to be more thoughtful! In this case, he's sick and that sucks, but I would still express disappoinment if he doesn't manage to do anything. It's not like he didn't have a heads up that it was coming. It doesn't have to be important to HIM, people! Obviously not everyone cares about birthdays but she does! That's enough!
Sorry to get worked up but it just doesn't matter what's important to him in this case, it isn't HIS birthday!
@nushka: I SO AGREE WITH YOU! Finally, someone else who sees it my way!
I am personally bored by adult birthday celebrations other than simple cake or
"good wishes" sorts of dos.
But we are who we are, and your SO married you, the person you are. So I hope that he learns to accomodate some of your wishes for a grande scheme for birthday celebration. You both may have to compromise with you toning it down and him kicking it up.
Also--never forget that YOU can plan the celebration that YOU want for YOUR birthday. I have one freind who, like you, requires the big extravaganza. But what's cool is that she organizes an event. She doesn't wait around for someone else to do it , or pout about it not being done to her satisfaction.
I don't know. I think that no one is owed anything, certainly not a birthday celebration. I think if you lowered your expectations, you might actually get surprised by him. but building expectations is what causes the letdowns.
My FI lives in another state right now. I expecthing nothing. Imagine my surprise when a dozen roses landed on my doorstep. I was floored to see them. Had I been expecting them, it wouldn't have felt as good.
I think you should release your DH from the pressure and burden to perform. Just stop expecting things then you can enjoy life without others feeling like they "had" to do something for you or you'd pitch a pity party.
Reschedule your birthday! FI and I do that sort of thing allll the time, if something annoying comes up around a holiday, we just agree that holiday will be next week and we will act on our chosen day as though it were the holiday we're temporarily skipping!! It works awesomely well and everyone gets what they wanted.
@honeybee1999: That is a great life lesson. When we release our expectations of others, we go a long way toward a calm, happy life.
There are some people that are thoughtful and think of others especially on special occasions. They pay attention to things they sayin everyday life like "Oh my gosh that _____ is so pretty", "You know when I was little I use to have a ____" and refer back to that when a birthday/gift giving holiday comes along. They do these things because they want to make the other person feel special and it's not about spending a lot of money, it's about being considerate.
Then there are other people who don't pay attention to conversations and truly listen to what the other person is saying they'd like. It seems your husband it this type and doesn't put forth the effort you want him to. I would hope after talking to him and letting him know exactly what you want he would at least make an attempt.
I know you go all out for his birthday and want him to do the same but unless he's willing to step up and do something that might be out of his comfort zone future birthdays might be disappointing.
Update:
Thank you for all the replies ladies!
Yesterday, DH sent me a message while I was at work saying that he hadn't organised anything for my birthday because he has been sick and can we postpone celebrations until Saturday. I said sure (it was pretty clear before this nothing was going to be done!)
It's my birthday today, and this morning I got up and went to the gym, and as I was getting ready for work he groggily started waking up. I stood there staring at him for a bit and he kept asking why I was looking at him.. I said never mind and continued getting ready. A few minutes later he is like "'oh, its your birthday, happy birthday'. I said thanks and he pulled me to him and said he wasn't going to say anything because he knows I have expectations for my birthday, and this isn't it.. so he was going to wait until saturday.
I'm not upset anymore, I mean really.. its just my birthday. Its just another day in the year. I do need to drop my expectations. I bought myself a mini gluten free cupcake for after my dinner, and am looking forward to whatever saturday brings.
I understand how you feel. I felt the same way on my first birthday after FH and I got together. The day of, he picked up a card and a movie I wanted on his way home from work and we went out to dinner, came home and watched the movie. I put a lot of thought and effort into doing something nice for him on his birthday, like cooking his favorite meal and making him his favorite cake from scratch, and he waits until the very last minute to do something for me. But it's just the way he is, and I've learned that. But, I also don't really care about my birthday as much I did a few years ago.
Christmas though, I'm crazy about Christmas.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I would go to a spa or something and treat myself :P
I just had my birthday like a month ago which was on monday, and my work was super crap that it ruined the day.
@dannielle89: I'm very glad that you want to reevaluate your expectations because your husband's reactions to your expectations are pretty much what I was talking about. He can't feel good about doing something for you because he knows you expect it and it has to be how you expect it. Then he feels let down and you feel let down when things are done or aren't better than the year before--or the year before that.
It was good that you got yourself a cup cake, and you should continue to do things to make yourself feel good on your birthday. But only have that expectation of yourself, not others.
And happy be-lated!
I think you should graciously tell him to not worry about it and just get better... he can take you out to an expensive dinner and shower you with gifts in honor of your birthday next week 
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It's my birthday in two days. When it comes to my birthday I am like a big kid, I get so excited and really want DH to make it special. He doesn't need to go out and spend lots of money on gifts, but make me feel like he thought about it and wanted me to enjoy my day.
For instanc, on his birthday I suprised him by filling the apartment with balloons. I invited his family (who live 3 hours away) to a surprise dinner and made him a sugar free cake (he cant eat sugar). The next day I gave him his gifts, which I had been purchasing for 6 weeks before, and took him to an amazing steakhouse by the water. I put so much effort it!
Because my birthday is such a big deal to me, and I know DH isn't a mind reader, I remind him! I know that he hasn't bought me any presents, because we work near each other and lunch every day. He also hasn't gone to the shops and there have been no deliveries. I know he hasn't planned ANYTHING.. not even a cake. The only thing is a family lunch on Sunday I planned with my parents. This upsets me enough, my birthday is the same day every year- why leave it to the last minute?
Yesterday DH started feeling ill, he has a very sore throat and a bad fever. He went to the doctor today and has severe strep throat and toncilitis. He has been given the week off work and ordered to stay in bed. I feel bad for him because he is so unwell, but at the same time the selfish part of me is thinking about my birthday. I will get up, go to work, come home and go to bed? No gifts, no cake.. I doubt he will even get me a card. I don't see how he could.
I don't have any friends who live locally, and my family all lives a fair distance away.. so I have no one to make any plans with.
I feel like having a cry but don't want to because he is sick and I need to look after him, and I don't want him being angry that I am a self centred crazy woman.