Post # 1
Hello everyone, I’m a long time lurker here. I would really like some input on my situation since you all seem like a level-headed bunch.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and it has been perfect…I never once had a doubt in my mind about his commitment to me. We are always communicating so i pretty much know where he is at all times. However, a couple days ago I was playing Flappy birds on his phone and then an email popped up. I would like to start off with saying that I have never snooped on my boyfriends phone before and I normally don’t but this one caught my attention. It was an email from craisglist personal positings. I couldn’t believe what i saw so i opened his email app. I hate that i had to do this. There were emails from both men and women! I didnt get to read many emails since he came in the room and took the phone and left. At first i didnt say anything cuz i couldnt comprehend what i just saw. He then came back in the room and put his phone to charge and went to shower. I checked his phone again and all the emails were deleted!
Later, i confronted him. He told me that he was bored and was just messing around with people. I have known him for 3 years now and he does joke around a lot and mess with people. But I just dont know how to feel about this one. I was so distraught, maybe i was blowing this out of proportion? When I was talking with him and was entertaining the idea of breaking up, he broke down crying so i really wanna believe it was just him joking around. He was so sorry. What do you guys think? Sorry its so long and its definitely a weird situation which is why i dont know what to do!
Post # 3
@Jay243: Yikes. That would freak me out, too, depending on what the emails said. Did you get a chance to read any of them? I’m not a huge fan of couples having secrets from each other like that so I hope he’ll be more open with you from now on. If he was just joking around with people why didn’t he tell you about it?
Post # 4
Not good. I don’t think he would break down crying if indeed he was messing with them. And why would he keep it a secret if it’s a joke and he’s a jokester. And even if it was a joke and he was messing with them, that’s a fucked up thing to do. It’s cruel to mess with people like that and if they find out, they may do something drastic. In short, he’s an asshole either way. Sorry.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
@Jay243: I don’t know that I would break up over this. Maybe he really was just joking around. But I would have a very serious conversation with him about trust. He has to understand that even if he didn’t technically do anything wrong, your trust was compromised. He is going to have to earn it back.
Post # 6
@Jay243: I know people who screw around on craigslist personals to see what kind of weird responses they can attract. If this is totally within his character, I wouldn’t worry (although I would probably be freaked out too).
Let him know that this is not okay with you and that it’s a serious issue for you.
Post # 7
My husband jokes and teases too, but not with other women (and certainly not men!). There’s a difference between that and messaging people on the personal’s list. I wouldn’t be happy about that, and it’d be a dating deal-breaker for me. If he’s not honest when you’re dating, what makes you think he’ll be honest if you’re married? Harsh, I realize, but I’ve seen too many marriages go bad from cheating and dishonesty.
Post # 8
I’m sorry 🙁 I think this is a really weird situation. If he really did mean it as a joke, it seems very mean and cruel. Also, I feel like that is something he should’ve mentioned to you if it really wasn’t serious. But the fact that he hid it, and then deleted those emails seems suspect. I don’t think he’s being completely honest with you. What is your gut telling you?
Post # 9
@Jay243: i agree with fluffmallow – he wouldnt of broken down and cried if he was just messing around. is there any other signs that you can look back (heinsight is 20/20) and say ‘that was odd behaviour’? that could be another indication on what’s happening. and did he say sorry cause he hurt other people or that he hurt you? my b/f messes around too and everyday is filled with jokes and small pranks – totally harmless – but to actively take time and look on craigs list for ads, to respond, that to me is more than just having fun.. something smells funny here.
Post # 10
@Jay243: I think that either reason is a sign that his ethic and humanity are messed up! Either he is cheating on you (or keeping one foot out the door, even if he isnt physically meeting them) OR he is a cruel a-hole who is messing with people’s emotions for his own pleasure.
Either way, I dont know if I could trust my heart with someone who does that.
Post # 11
Aw, I’m really so sorry about your situation. It really sucks that the honesty you had between you 2 is broken, I gotta say that’s a tough one to get back. It can be done, though! Unfortunately with the internet it’s so much easier to do sneaky things. 2 different friends are going through divorces now after many years of marriage partially due to them finding romance on the internet. I’m not sure I could stay, if it were me. The whole thing is very unsettling, but he may also be interested in men and well, you’re not a man. I really wish you well…
Post # 12
@Jay243: I dated someone for ten years but dropped him when I found out he was responding to sex ads on Craigslist (there were other reasons as well, but this was the final straw). I have no idea whether he physicially cheated — the disrespect of reaching out to women/couples that were willing and local was enough. I think he eventually admitted that he was hoping to get nude pics out of the email exchanges. But, I didn’t stick around to find out if his behavior would escalate. Not all men do this. You have to decide what you are willing to accept, and I drew the line there and have never regretted it. My life is a million times better now.
Post # 13
If it was women AND men, I might be inclined to believe he was just messing around. But him deleting everything when he thought you had seen? That’s weird to me.
Either he deleted it because he was embarassed and didn’t want you to know or he really is up to something. Were you able to determine the nature of the emails from what you saw? Like did it seem like he was wanting to meet up or something? Or was it just conversation? Either way, you guys need to have a chat – but remember that the evidence is gone – he deleted it. So just be wary of that. He’s going to be able to say whatever he wants with no evidence either way. I know that’s harsh, but it’s true.
Ultimately it’s up to you to decide based on your relationship with this guy.
Post # 14
Thank you all for your input!
@Sunfire: I didn’t get to read many, only 2 and they were to people with odd fetishes? like dressing up and stuff. We did have a long talk and does realise how hurt I am. Not sure why he didn’t tell me…
@Fluffmallow: I’m not gonna make any excuses for him, i agree what he did was not nice. He broke down crying when i hinted about breaking up with him…not becuase he got caught…i dont know if that makes a difference
@MrsSparkle10: Yeah he knows he has to earn it back now…thank you for your input 🙂
@MsGinkgo: Thats the thing…it is in character but I’m still weirded out about it. I’m pretty laid back and i usually dont care what he does but this one definitely threw me for a loop!
@CoffeeBeanKate: He does like to pull pranks and get into mischeif but he has never teased other women or men in an inappropriate manner in front of me. Thats why i never had a reason to doubt his committment.
@TaraMay_: I agree, it does seem very suspect which is why I’m so confused. My gut is saying that i should trust him but my head just cant understand why he did that.
@ScubaSiren: Thats the thing, there has never been any hints or odd behavior to make me think of him cheating. Everything has been pretty perfect between us. He is under a lot of financial stress lately so maybe this was a sort of escape? He said sorry cuz he hurt me and just kept saying he never met anyone and was just playing around.
@KoiKove: Yeah, i can why you say that. 🙁
Post # 15
I’m a believer in little lie, big lie. One itty bitty white lie that can’t hurt anyone has a nasty tendency of turning into a big, horrible lie. I don’t believe this is the first time he’s done this, and the real question is what ELSE is he doing that you don’t know about. I don’t know if you ever rebuild that trust. It’s possible that this started as a silly prank that he didn’t tell you about (there’s your little lie), and now it’s out of control. Sit down and talk to him about it, and think about it. If you truly feel there was nothing else going on, and you won’t be constantly be questioning his fidelity, then you go from there. If you feel in the pit of your stomach that something is still going on, then you know you can’t stay. I hope it’s a prank gone wrong, I really do.
Post # 16
@KoiKove: +1. This is my thought exactly.
@Jay243: I would be crushed if I found out my FI was messaging people on Craigslist just as a joke. Especially since, as you say, he was messaging people with fetishes. It sounds to me like he’s messaging people saying that he will fulfill their sexual fantasies and then laughing to himself about the things they want to do. I wonder how he’d feel if someone made fun of what HE likes to do in bed. Ugh.
Of course, I’m assuming he was telling you the truth. He could also be lying and cheating on you. But either way, I think you should ask yourself who this person is and why he’s willing to be so casual with other people’s feelings…and if he would do that to you in the future. 🙁