Can I trust him? (long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Jay243:  Yikes.  That would freak me out, too, depending on what the emails said.  Did you get a chance to read any of them?  I’m not a huge fan of couples having secrets from each other like that so I hope he’ll be more open with you from now on.  If he was just joking around with people why didn’t he tell you about it?

Post # 4
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Not good. I don’t think he would break down crying if indeed he was messing with them. And why would he keep it a secret if it’s a joke and he’s a jokester. And even if it was a joke and he was messing with them, that’s a fucked up thing to do. It’s cruel to mess with people like that and if they find out, they may do something drastic. In short, he’s an asshole either way. Sorry.

Post # 5
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

@Jay243:  I don’t know that I would break up over this. Maybe he really was just joking around. But I would have a very serious conversation with him about trust. He has to understand that even if he didn’t technically do anything wrong, your trust was compromised. He is going to have to earn it back. 

Post # 6
Hostess
9892 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Jay243:  I know people who screw around on craigslist personals to see what kind of weird responses they can attract.  If this is totally within his character, I wouldn’t worry (although I would probably be freaked out too).

Let him know that this is not okay with you and that it’s a serious issue for you.

Post # 7
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband jokes and teases too, but not with other women (and certainly not men!).  There’s a difference between that and messaging people on the personal’s list.  I wouldn’t be happy about that, and it’d be a dating deal-breaker for me.  If he’s not honest when you’re dating, what makes you think he’ll be honest if you’re married?  Harsh, I realize, but I’ve seen too many marriages go bad from cheating and dishonesty.

Post # 8
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m sorry 🙁 I think this is a really weird situation. If he really did mean it as a joke, it seems very mean and cruel. Also, I feel like that is something he should’ve mentioned to you if it really wasn’t serious. But the fact that he hid it, and then deleted those emails seems suspect. I don’t think he’s being completely honest with you. What is your gut telling you?

Post # 9
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Jay243:  i agree with fluffmallow – he wouldnt of broken down and cried if he was just messing around. is there any other signs that you can look back (heinsight is 20/20) and say ‘that was odd behaviour’? that could be another indication on what’s happening. and did he say sorry cause he hurt other people or that he hurt you? my b/f messes around too and everyday is filled with jokes and small pranks – totally harmless – but to actively take time and look on craigs list for ads, to respond, that to me is more than just having fun.. something smells funny here. 

Post # 10
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Jay243:  I think that either reason is a sign that his ethic and humanity are messed up! Either he is cheating on you (or keeping one foot out the door, even if he isnt physically meeting them) OR he is a cruel a-hole who is messing with people’s emotions for his own pleasure. 

Either way, I dont know if I could trust my heart with someone who does that. 

Post # 11
Member
4797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Aw, I’m really so sorry about your situation. It really sucks that the honesty you had between you 2 is broken, I gotta say that’s a tough one to get back. It can be done, though! Unfortunately with the internet it’s so much easier to do sneaky things. 2 different friends are going through divorces now after many years of marriage partially due to them finding romance on the internet. I’m not sure I could stay, if it were me. The whole thing is very unsettling, but he may also be interested in men and well, you’re not a man. I really wish you well…

Post # 12
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Jay243:  I dated someone for ten years but dropped him when I found out he was responding to sex ads on Craigslist (there were other reasons as well, but this was the final straw).  I have no idea whether he physicially cheated — the disrespect of reaching out to women/couples that were willing and local was enough.  I think he eventually admitted that he was hoping to get nude pics out of the email exchanges.  But, I didn’t stick around to find out if his behavior would escalate.  Not all men do this.  You have to decide what you are willing to accept, and I drew the line there and have never regretted it.  My life is a million times better now. 

Post # 13
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If it was women AND men, I might be inclined to believe he was just messing around.  But him deleting everything when he thought you had seen?  That’s weird to me.

Either he deleted it because he was embarassed and didn’t want you to know or he really is up to something.  Were you able to determine the nature of the emails from what you saw?  Like did it seem like he was wanting to meet up or something?  Or was it just conversation?  Either way, you guys need to have a chat – but remember that the evidence is gone – he deleted it.  So just be wary of that.  He’s going to be able to say whatever he wants with no evidence either way.  I know that’s harsh, but it’s true.

Ultimately it’s up to you to decide based on your relationship with this guy.

Post # 15
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 I’m a believer in little lie, big lie. One itty bitty white lie that can’t hurt anyone has a nasty tendency of turning into a big, horrible lie. I don’t believe this is the first time he’s done this, and the real question is what ELSE is he doing that you don’t know about. I don’t know if you ever rebuild that trust. It’s possible that this started as a silly prank that he didn’t tell you about (there’s your little lie), and now it’s out of control. Sit down and talk to him about it, and think about it. If you truly feel there was nothing else going on, and you won’t be  constantly be questioning his fidelity, then you go from there. If you feel in the pit of your stomach that something is still going on, then you know you can’t stay. I hope it’s a prank gone wrong, I really do.

Post # 16
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@KoiKove:  +1.  This is my thought exactly.

@Jay243:   I would be crushed if I found out my FI was messaging people on Craigslist just as a joke.  Especially since, as you say, he was messaging people with fetishes.  It sounds to me like he’s messaging people saying that he will fulfill their sexual fantasies and then laughing to himself about the things they want to do.  I wonder how he’d feel if someone made fun of what HE likes to do in bed.  Ugh.  

Of course, I’m assuming he was telling you the truth.  He could also be lying and cheating on you.  But either way, I think you should ask yourself who this person is and why he’s willing to be so casual with other people’s feelings…and if he would do that to you in the future.  🙁

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