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Honestly, I would say go ahead and invite her, and from what it sounds like, she's probably realized that you aren't as close as you used to be and she may just not come.
But like you said, there is a chance she's already made plans, and I wouldn't recommend just not inviting her.
I agree. I think this is one bit of etiquette that it's best to stick to. If you sent a STD, then you should invite her to the wedding. It sounds like she might not come anyway.
I think you have two options.
1. Invite her. Start talking to her again and see if being in more regular communication makes you feel better about inviting her. Maybe it will and you'll have saved the friendship, or maybe it will be really awkward and she'll realize it too and decline the invite.
2. Invite her, but avoid all communication with her for the next few months. Include a short note in the invite saying something like "Hey, we'd love it if you could come, but I know it's a long distance and a big expense, so I understand if you can't make it." That helps you save face and gives her a gracious way of declining without feeling guilty. Also, do everything you can to quietly throw up road blocks. Don't give her a guest if she isn't engaged, living with someone, or married. Don't give her any info on accommodations (I'm assuming she's out of town since she's primarily an online friend) and wait to send the invite until about 2 weeks before the RSVP date (though any longer would look suspicious).
3. (Yes, I know I said two options. While this is an option, I don't think it's a good option). You never see her in real life right? You probably don't have any mutual friends. You can try not sending her an invite and hope she just lets it go. If you offend her- well, there aren't a ton of consequences besides losing a friendship which you don't really care about anyway. However, she may ask you where her invite is as the wedding date gets closer (because she could honestly be concerned it was lost or something). In which case you'll probably have to come up with some excuse and risk a confrontation. It's up to you on that one. I wouldn't try it.
I had a long advice but it got deleted. The short of it is that I was in a similar situation that I was somewhat invited to a baby shower via a message on FB asking for my address. I responded with my address and in the end, she never sent an invite. I am still shaking my head at how rude that was. Although I will tell you that since we weren't close I'm not really upset nor will I ever bring it up to her if I see her but I still think it was rude. That message was similar to an STD IMO.
You could be proactive and call/email her and say you are embarrassed but because of budget or space issues you just found out you need to cut the guest list. Since she was going to have to travel anyways, would she mind if you didn't send her an invite? Something like that. It's still kind of rude but it's another option.
I totally understand where you are coming from!
I've been friends... or shall I say I was friends (in real life) with a girl for 5 years now. When I met her she had just separated from her husband/high school sweetie. We were super close for 2 years while we both lived in the same town then she moved away (about 3 hrs). We were still tight and talked/emailed a lot and she came to town almost every weekend to see her boyfriend we'd get together about once a month or so. I started seeing my now fiance who lived 30 minutes away at the time so we were constantly busy. Now I understand we may have started to drift some since we were both busy with our men but we still emailed and talked. Now, she was a good enough friend that I was going to have her in the wedding if we opted to add another person to our wedding party. Well, the last time I heard from her is when we were coming home on a trip with 2 of our friends. Driving to vacation I called her and let her know we might stop by to see her on our way home if we had a chance. Well, on the way home on a 5 hour drive we got a late start and it just wasn't in the cards. Ever since then she changed... she dodged emails, calls/messages, and then deleted me off facebook. I had already sent her a STD a month or so before this happened. I totally don't get it but whatever. So, needless to say I didn't send her an invite.
Since you don't know each other in real life I'd probably tell your friend that you feel weird about meeting for the first time at your wedding or something of the nature.
It would be rude to uninvite her, but you can choose to be rude if it would actually be best for everyone. You have to tell her you aren't extending an invite, don't just not send an invite.
I would go with greenleafmountain's second piece of advice - send the invitation, but when you talk again, sort of allude to the fact that it wouldn't make sense for her to come. Hopefully she'll get the idea. I've had to deal with the same situation with two friends, and that's the approach I'm taking.
I love my FI which is why when I finished my first response to this blog he asked me why I looked so frustrated. I told him the gist and how I was hurt by my friend that has decided to not contact me anymore and maybe I should send her an invite to the wedding after all. His responded with why do women spend some much time worrying about what is the right way to handle something, how will this make the other person feel, ect. He said you have to do what is right for you and be honest!
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I'm so embarrassed to even be asking this that I had to create an anonymous account.
The big question is can I not send someone an invitation after I've already sent them a STD? I KNOW the answer is, "No, that's completely rude," and it is, but...it's still bugging me.
The guest in question is a friend that I have known online for about 5 years (okay, so maybe that was my first mistake :(...I have met her IRL though) We used to talk regularly, then stopped talking for a year or so, and started talking again daily for 3 or 4 months. Since the beginning of this year, however, I haven't really heard from her at all. Still, I sent her a STD because we had talked about my wedding in-depth and I had already told her she was invited (and at that point, I would have been fine with her coming). Now, the fact that we haven't talked really at all for 3 months or so (my wedding is in 3 months) is making me less excited about inviting her. Plus, I am having some weird, negative feelings toward her because of her general attitude and outlook. I can't really explain it in-depth, and she hasn't done anything egregious, but I feel like we are just...not on the same page anymore. I don't know that I consider us friends at this point, and since inviting her was kind of a stretch in the first place, I just don't feel comfortable having her at the wedding anymore. On the other hand, I'm about 70% sure that she probably won't come anyway, but I would rather just not send her an invite at all :/ We haven't talked about anything, but I would think that she has to be feeling not close to me anymore either and that, based on that, she would decline, but you never know.
So, what do I do? Do i suck it up, invite her, and wait a few months to (hopefully) find out that she isn't going to be able to make it? Do I tell her everything I just said here and hope she understands? I'm afraid she will take it the wrong way and think she did something really wrong, but really, it's just that I don't feel very close to her, and since we only know each other online really I feel like it would just be weird. If I hadn't seen the STD I wouldn't give a second thought about not inviting her, but I am envisioning the worst case scenario in my head, that she has already made travel arrangements and is planning on coming and me not inviting her would make her really mad and completely screw her over. I know this is wrong, but it is really, really bothering me, so much so that I'm dreading sending out my invites. I wish I had never sent out save the dates :(