(Closed) Can not believe my family (vent)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sure they will help after you’re engaged.  They really probably just don’t want to see you get hurt again if you guys don’t end up getting engaged or married.  I never even thought about starting to plan my wedding until we were engaged.  It seemed weird to me

Post # 4
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012 - Watch tower lodge, Black hawk state Park Rock Island, IL

the problem is that you are not a bride yet and he is not a groom. you are not yet engaged and you dont when or if it will happen. I know that sounds harsh but your mom makes sense, how can you plan for something you dont know will take place? not saying it wont someday but your SO may not be ready for that yet and by making plans you may end up scaring him off instead of what you want. I am sure after you are actually engaged they will act differently but right now your kinda putting the cart before the horse.

Post # 5
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@SerenityLove:  I think you should wait and see how they feel after you’re engaged. Not everyone agrees with planning out your wedding before you’re engaged. I’m sure once you are engaged they’ll be happy to help!

Post # 7
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SerenityLove:  You can make your engagement as long as you want to get your projects finished, but planning these things out right now is putting the cart before the horse.  If your boyfriend found out you were doing this, don’t you think it would freak him out a little?  Just enjoy your relationship as it is right now and take things one step at a time.  There’s plenty of time after you get officially engaged to pour yourself into this stuff.

Post # 8
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I think that after seeing your heart broken once before, your mom is probably worried you will get hurt again. I’m sure she’ll change her tune once you are officially engaged. She clearly likes and trusts your man, but is looking out for her little girl. 

It might help if you talked to your BF about the logistics aspect of getting married. I FINALLY talked to mine, and we set tentative dates for getting engaged and married – so now I don’t feel like I have to worry about planning yet, because I know we’ll have a long engagement with plenty of time to plan the wedding. Maybe you can find out whether he realizes how much time it will take to plan a wedding (tell him you will need at least a year because you want to make things by hand), and see if that affects when he wants to propose. 

Do you already know who’s going to be your MOH? That’s who I’d go to if I needed help, but didn’t want to spill the beans to anyone. 

Post # 9
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@SerenityLove:  You aren’t engaged, yet… I would cut her some slack until you do get engaged… My family didn’t want to hear a word about even wedding dreaming until I was actually engaged.

Post # 10
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I believe most honestly they don’t want to see you hurt. Since you aren’t engaged yet, they may see you as rushing again from your last experience. Also, as you want them to help you now before you are engaged they may feel hurt as well with the time invested if things don’t go as planned. I think they will come along once you are engaged. Slow down, enjoy the present but I can see why you would be hurt.  

Post # 11
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If I were you, i’d just keep your possible plans to yourself. Post them here, make a scrapbook, keep pictures of decorations you like, etc. Once you are actually engaged, you can show them to your family. 

Post # 12
Member
28 posts
Newbee

@SerenityLove:  I think you’re reading way too much into what your SO is saying.  Sometimes men say they want something in the future but the “future” to them is a year or so while for us it means the next few days or weeks.  I would concentrate on your relationship and building the foundation before you even consider being engaged.  You said yourself, “Now, while it is true that something may happen to break us up before the proposal can happen…”  That means that you aren’t completely sure that the relationship will even last.  When you’re looking into getting married and being engaged, you should be entirely sure that the relationship is strong enough to make it through the hard times and that you are completely committed to each other.  If you aren’t sure your relationship will last, why would you consider being engaged?  Are you sure you want a marriage or just a wedding?  

Things will go wrong in planning your wedding.  Things will go wrong the day of your wedding.  But left standing is the bond you and your husband share.  That is the important thing.  You could have the worst wedding in history but the goal should be a strong marriage, not a fun or beautiful wedding.

Post # 13
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you will get a much better reaction and more support from your family once you are actually engaged.  You may not be engaged for a year or three, or ever, or it may happen next week; you simply don’t know. It doesn’t make much sense to start planning till you actually have an engagement, and I agree with your mom that you’re just setting yourself up for heartache. Not only would you be focusing way too much time and energy making half-plans on something that might not ever happen (not saying you and your SO won’t be together forever, just that some guys take their own sweet time proposing, and some relationships change over time so that the actual marriage license becomes no longer important, so in a few months or a few years you might just not be as interested in actually getting married), but having the preset notion in your head on what the wedding will be just sets yourself up for too many failures. 

You may get engaged somewhere that becomes very meaningful to you as a couple, then have to wrestle with the decision of having the wedding there vs what you already have planned.

You may get your heart set on a specific venue, only for it to go out of business, change their pricing, or change their rules.

Your Mr may have some ideas of his own as to what your wedding should be like, and then you might bicker and argue over his dream vs yours.

Relax and enjoy the stress-free, plenty-of-money times while they last. Don’t be in such a hurry to get on to the next step.  You can daydream all you want, but don’t start making actual plans or deciding exactly what you want.  It’s simply too early.

Post # 14
Member
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

THey will help you after your engaged. My mom got annoyed with me talking about my wedding before I was engaged, but as soon as I got engaged, she started sending me e mails and text messages about things she thinks I should do for the wedding. I think she is more excited then me. You just have to be patient and wait until you are engaged to start planning and talking about it.

Post # 15
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with PP’s. Focus on enjoying the relationship now, don’t obsess over a wedding which may (or may not, apparently!) happen for years.

Also the runner that will take a year to make, and “i dont dare mention it to my boyfriend until he asks me to marry him” fankly sounds crazy, so maybe your family is picking up on this vibe and trying to get you down from the crazy tree a little.

Post # 16
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PP’s. Enjoy your relationship as it is now. If things are meant to be it will be. If it’s meant for you to have your wedding in a particular park, it will happen.  Don’t rush things. If you don’t feel comfortable telling him that you’re planning a wedding before you two are actually engaged, that should be a sign that planning a wedding before an engagement is probably not the best idea. Even after you’re engaged, it will probably sound a little crazy to him if you tell him that you’ve already booked a venue, arranged to have a custom aisle runner made, etc and you’re only recently engaged. That may freak him out. I know its hard while you wait, but try to hang in there.

As far as your family, I’m sure they will be excited to help once you’re engaged. I can understand how it could be difficult for them to get excited about planning a wedding, and they’re not even certain there will be a wedding. Again, just enjoy your relationship and continue to build a foundation. It would be unfortunate if you spent all this time planning a wedding, instead of focusing on your relationship, and then an engagement doesn’t happen. I think that this is how your family feels and they just don’t want you to get hurt.

The topic ‘Can not believe my family (vent)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors