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I think that if you choose to ask them to not be in it, you run the risk of losing them as friends. This is a big issue becuase they will be hurt and possibly angry/upset. Regardless, of them not being helpful, they still won't take it lightly. Is there away that you can phrase a question so that it seems like they get to choose if they want to still be in your wedding? This is hard. Good luck.
I agree with Charm bracelet - you definitely need to know that if you ask them not to be BMs anymore you run the risk of losing them as friends. I would try to talk to them and ask them if they are still interested - they may say that they are just too busy and it's not something they are able to do anymore!
There is no polite way to say that you don't want them to be a bridesmaid anymore. I would suggest talking to them and ask if they think that they will still have time to be bridesmaid. My bridesmaid didn't do anything because she was far away and ended up not being able to come out at all so I had my husband's sister as my only bridesmaid. You might just have to rethink what you expect from a bridesmaid and just let them go. Especially since they aren't where you are living now, it's sort of hard to expect much from them in the ways of planning because they don't see you every day and have other things going on in their lives too.
what about something like, "don't mean to sound like a bridezilla here, but i really need extra help with the wedding plans. while i consider you one of my dearest friends, it seems like you don't have a lot of time to help me with the logistical stuff. i love you so much, but i kind of need more from my bridesmaids than just standing up there that day... if you don't have time, i totally understand, and no hard feelings, but i'm gonna ask so-and-so to be a bridesmaid instead. so think about it for the next blank number of days, and let me know." as direct as possible while still being considerate.
For starters, don't say you want to "delete" them, like they're a computer file. Try thinking about this from their point of view. It sounds like you don't talk to them much if you see them to catch up when you go home. So now suddenly, they're your bridesmaids and expected to put the same amount of effort in as your bff's, who I'm guessing you see and talk to more often. To them, it my seem like you only care about talking to them when it's wedding related. Do you talk to them on a regular basis about non-wedding things? About their lives?
I agree with asking them if they're still interested in being bridesmaids and if they say yes then talk about your planning timeline and what you need from them.
Thanks so much for the advice from everyone!
Sunshinebride-I think I'm definitely going to use your approach. I'll be home shortly, so I'll be able to meet with them in person and talk out the issues or see where their interest/time lies.
Dollylava-I only used "delete" to be concise on the title heading, maybe I should've worded it better, but of course I don't see them in that way. I also talk with them as frequently as my other friends and about everything. I just don't get to actually see them that often. But I do appreciate your concern and giving a suggestion.
I'm thinking of combining both ideas.. giving them each tasks with timelines and if they seem hesitant or can't help maybe they would prefer to not be a bridesmaid, and I can offer that suggestion too. I agree with everyone that if I ask someone NOT to be a bridesmaid they'll take it person and probably won't want to be a friend.
So thanks again for everyone's advice. You all gave me a lot to think about and different ways of approaching this delicate situation!! :)
I don't think you should realisitcally expect your maids to help with planning. They are there to plan a bachelorette, maybe a shower, and stand up for you on the big day. That's it. The fact that they don't have time or want to do more is not reason to kick them out.
If it's worth ruining the friendships to ask them to step down, go for it, but please remember that your wedding is the most important thing to you, not your maids.
I'm right there with yah who knew bm could be such brats! huggs!!! I havnt deleted anyone yet im giving them a chance to prove themselves agian. I demoted a co moh to a bm and i just told her I expect more from a moh then not returning my calls and ignoring my my message so now your a bridemaid. I know that a moh is allot different then a bm but i hope that helps. I would just be honest with them.
Also remember that your moh should be helping you with most of the major things. In my opinion bm responsiblities are less then the moh.
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Okay I definitely need ADVICE and HELP!!! on this one. I asked three of my "friends from home" to be bridesmaids along with my b.f.fs b.c. you know, when you come home you call the usual girls and all get together-hangout-catch up etc. but this has actually been a NIGHTMARE!!! The one is fine, but 2 of them I really wish I could ask to NOT be a bridesmaid anymore.
They just haven't been helpful at all. I don't hear from them ever, I've asked for one favor and it's been to challenging for either of them to do, I'm calling them to talk or check in. And trust me, I get the whole "this isn't their life" thing I was a bm several times and I was still in school and working so I get it. BUT I also just spent a lot of money on one of these girls a few months ago for her destination wedding!! Her bridal shower was ridiculously expensive-bachelorette-hotel-gas $-shoes-bm dress etc.
It's just nothing like I thought it would be with these 2 girls. There is A LOT more too, but I'm to nervous to give specific details.
Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone has nicely asked any of their bridesmaids to NOT be a bridesmaid anymore?!?!?!?! If so, PLEASE tell me how to tell them sorry, but that they are still invited to the wedding. I just think this would eliminate a lot of unnecessary stress for me.
I just feel like I screwed myself, and I'm just going to have to suck it up.