- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I asked my friend of 10 years to be my Maid/Matron of Honor when I got engaged and I have been let down time and time again by her. Everything started when I called to tell her I was engaged. During my speaker phone “guess what I am engaged” phone call she mentioned something about inlaws and my response was that I was really lucking out and getting great inlaws as I really do love my Fiance’s family. My MOH’s response was “you say you love them now but give it time to show how crazy they are.” I was of course mortified and furious that she did this while knowingly on speark phone with my Fiance. I was too shocked and in the glow of just being proposed to, to address this.
My Maid/Matron of Honor at one point indicated “who really wants to stand up in a wedding anyways, its just a lot of work and money” when I was telling her of my brother’s disappointment at being an usher.
As time went on, I would send out emails needing information or requesting she do something and got no response. I sent out an email about my Bachelorette party giving some ideas since I was including mothers and my 13 year old bridesmaid who is my niece to be and then asked her to send out an email iwth the date so that everyone could mark it on their calendars…. She did nothing. I needed to know if she wanted me to schedule her hair apointment and she never responded.
When it came time to do the dress fittings I arranged a lunch before hand so that my mom, future mother in law and my bridal party could meet and get to konw each other a bit. My Maid/Matron of Honor grabbed a hold of the conversation at lunch and started it with “You luck out, your inlaws really are not crazy.” and then proceeded to tell of a story in which her brother in law was hit with a baseball bat by her sister in law, a story that had no relevancy. Again I was mortified wanting the day to go off without a hitch as I was nervous having my future mother in law meet my friends for the first time.
To add to problems, she has made comments about my in laws to be that she twists into her own slams to them from things I say that are not even negative. For example if I say my future mother in law wants to help with something she is all of the sudden overbaring and her favorite word “crazy” for offering help.
In terms of the Bachelorette party, my Maid/Matron of Honor was not doing anything to get things rolling and discussing this with a friend she offered to help work with my Maid/Matron of Honor to make sure things progressed. I sent and intorductory email to both girls explaining that my friend lived near me and would be a great asset to help my Maid/Matron of Honor (who lives 2 hours away) with details since she knew the area and I thought they were off and running. My Maid/Matron of Honor called me shortly after freaking out over the ideas my friend had (which were all true to me and fitting in my request to be able to include mothers/a 13 year old in part of the night). I spent over an hours time talking to her trying to sooth the situation where she flat out said it would be okay if I just let my friend plan the party and I told her I really wanted her to be a part of it.
As time went on, my Maid/Matron of Honor kept trying to put me in the middle of the two girls and with all of my other stressors this was too much. TMy Maid/Matron of Honor claimed that my friend would not tell her when to call her. I told her she should just call her and try a time that worked for her. Apparently she tried to call her (this I found out from my friend) and my friend was busy so she sent her an email the next day when she had a moment giving her times she would be free to talk that week and my Maid/Matron of Honor never called. Fastforward a week and I see my friend on a Friday night and tell her she should just call my Maid/Matron of Honor when she had a chance becuase she is freaking out. I am told that she had given her times to call but that she calls when she cannot talk and that she would rather just try to do this through email but that she would call.
That Sunday, I get a frantic text from my Maid/Matron of Honor claiming that my friend never called her back after 3 phone calls and 2 emails. I decide at this point I want nothing to do with a bachelorette party any more because my Maid/Matron of Honor keeps throwing me in the middle and I send a text to both girls saying as much. My Maid/Matron of Honor retorts back that I must just being having a bridal melt down and she will hold off making decisions for a few days. Meanwhile my friend calls me (I did nto pick up due to cell reception) concerned. The girls end up talking and my Maid/Matron of Honor calls me up and accuses me of being passive agressive (I let her know I was telling her exactly how I felt and what I wanted and that I was not being passive about it at all), tells me she now tried to call my friend 4 times (it was 3 to start) and has send a months worth of emails (it was 2 to start) with no response. I see my Maid/Matron of Honor is obviously lying but I tried not to create a he said she said issue out of this and just went along taking her feelings into account. I explain my frustration and she turned the whole thing on me to which I just began placating her instead of going round for round since it was obvious she was not going to admit any issue on her end and that if I did not cave this was going to get bigger and bigger. She also accused me of not wanting her to be a part of my bridal party which I corrected her that i Had never said or alluded to such. I finally agreed to have the bachelorette party to avoid any issue with her.
I later call my friend and she tells me that my Maid/Matron of Honor was bashing me on the phone indicatging I kept changing my mind about the party plans (it never changed once), that she knew she was going to piss me off and she was okay with it, that I was difficult to talk to and that I was stressed over the wedding (not the case) along with a handful of other gems. I was furious none the less.
Now, you may say my friend is trying to stir the pot but based upon the conversation I had with my Maid/Matron of Honor and what I know of things she says the stories match. Additionally my friend has been there for me through everything as a shoulder to cry on, a pillar of strength and joyous for me with the wedding while my Maid/Matron of Honor has not at all despite knowing her for 10 years. My friend has litterally been my best friend the entire time and I have been questioning my Maid/Matron of Honor friendship for quite some time as well.
I agreed to the bachelorette party and left things on good enough terms with my Maid/Matron of Honor when I talked her (despite really not resolving anything on my end with her and just giving into her); but, after having talked to my friend, slept on it and bounced this all off my mom I am feeling like I do not have a friend in my Maid/Matron of Honor and that I really do not want her in such a high honor postion on such an improtant day in my life. I want to ask her to step down.
Am I being too unreasonable in my expectations of a MOH?
I know if I ask her to step down this will be the end of our friendship and after how she has acted since last July when I got engaged (and been acting prior to that as a general friend) I dont really care if it ends the friendship. That being said, when I think about how agonizing the phone call about the bachelorette party issue was I want to know if I can do it through email?
Any and all help with this would be so much appreciated becuase my wedding planning has been stress free except for this.