Post # 1
I have a sticky situation on my hands right now, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I got engaged Dec. 26, but pretty much since I was in second grade I knew who my maid of honor would be. Fastforward to now, and my then-best-friend and I are still very close friends, though we have different priorities and run in different social circles. In the interest of full disclosure, we have some pretty significant differences (i.e. she was not supportive when my FI and I started our long-term relationship but has since come around; she thinks our 20s should be about partying and dating different guys to find out what we want. That’s fine with me, but it’s just not my style.) Anyhoo, I still love her to pieces and when I got engaged I immediately knew I wanted her to be my MOH and told her as much, feeling only the slightest bit unsettled at my hasty decision and wondering only momentarily if we would be this close in the year and five months till my wedding.
Well, after only one month, I have a problem. My grandfather passed away about a month ago, and I was extremely upset. So upset that I really wasn’t calling any of my friends to talk about it, I was just grieving. (I’m still not all there yet …) A few days after it happened, my MOH sent me a Facebook message with the contact info of someone she was recommending for engagement photos and let me know he was expecting me to contact him soon. I wrote her back and let her know that my grandfather had passed away and that I wasn’t really into doing wedding stuff. I asked her to let him know I would contact him, but it would be a while.
And how did she respond? She didn’t. Not a return Facebook message, not a text, not a phone call. Nada. And it hurt. She’s supposed to be my friend, my best friend, and my MOH. Literally every single other friend who I want to be my bridesmaids called me to see how I was and say they were sorry to hear about it. Today I finally decided to be a grown-up and call her, and she still didn’t acknowledge it. She made up some lame excuse about losing my phone number and then said she had to go. We’ve been friends since second grade! She’s known my phone number since second grade!!! Ok, so it’s changed since then, but you get what I’m saying!
I know one of the unfortunate parts of a wedding is that it forces you rank the people in your life and assign positions appropriately. Right now, I’m really hurt by how she treated me, and I don’t think she’s the right friend to be my MOH. When measured against my other close friends, she loses. Am I way overreacting? Is it even possible to demote a MOH? If so, how could it be done gracefully? Or can it? Thanks for reading my rant.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather. I’ll keep you in my thoughts…
About your MOH…some people do not handle death well. They feel awkward, they flounder, they don’t know what to say, they’re afraid to say the wrong thing. In short, sometimes people act wierd, but they can’t help it. Maybe her psyche is screaming for her to run away. Some people are just like that. Don’t fault her for it, that’s just how some people are. I guarantee in like 2 months when you DON’T want to talk about your grandfather she’ll be talking to you again. Don’t take it personal, it’s not that she doesn’t care or anything. I’ve been unfortunate enough to experience this enough in my life where I can see it a mile away. Some people just don’t know what to do, so they try not to do anything. Maybe take it as some consolation that she cares enough about you to not want to hurt you more (even though she is). Just let it blow over, and try to reconnect in like a month. And don’t make any rash decisions about changing her out as MOH either. You’ll regret that too.
Post # 4
I’m very sorry about your grandfather. You’re in my thoughts as well.
With your MoH, I agree with mightysapphire. I’m very socially awkward a lot of times, and struggle a lot with situations like this. I don’t know what to say when someone’s hurting, so it’s easy to say nothing. I’d give it some time. Since you have such a nice long engagement, and you’re not doing any planning right now, you don’t have to make a decision about whether you want to make this change. So give it some time, give you both some space to deal with this, and to let the anger settle a bit. Try not to stew over it, as that will defeat the purpose of waiting and could just make you angrier. When you’ve given it some time and are back into full swing of wedding planning, see if you still feel the same. Talk to her. If she’s truly just being a b**** and doesn’t care about your grandfather or your feelings, then by all means, demote her. I couldn’t tell you how, and it could cost you a lot in the friendship, but someone who doesn’t care about something this huge to you doesn’t deserve you. Keep in mind that being friends for a long time definitely doesn’t automatically mean she’s a good friend. People change, friends drift away. It’s sad, but it happens. Don’t keep a bad friend for the sake of the good friend she once was.
Lots of hugs!
Post # 5
Aww, I’m terribly sorry about your grandfather – it must be especially difficult since it happened during your engagement which is supposed to be such a happy time. Perhaps you can find a special way to honor him during your ceremony.
About your MOH, I agree with the other posters. It’s very possible that she just doesn’t handle death well and didn’t know what to do, so she avoided the situation. I know it’s not the reaction you wanted, but there are a lot of people like that. I lost my mom to cancer when I was in college, and I found that I got all types of reactions from my friends during that time. Some of my very best friends froze up. They didn’t want to ask how I was handling everything because they didn’t want to risk upsetting me. Honestly, some of the most supportive people during that time were people I didn’t know all that well, but they had been through something similar, so they were more comfortable talking about things with me. I’m sure your MOH wants to support you, she is probably just scared and unsure.
Post # 6
And she might really be perplexed if she hadn’t experienced the loss of a loved one. Or conversely, if she has lost a grandparent and it was particularly painful for her. Also, if you told her that you didn’t want to call the photgrapher because of your grief, she might have taken that as a sign that you wanted to be left alone completely.
Maybe if it was her grandparent, she’d welcome the opportunity to distrat herself with wedding details, and get back to some sense of normalcy. (Is wedding planning normalcy??)
Would you feel better talking to her about it? You could tell her about how you’re doing after your grandfather death. Maybe ask her if she’s ever lost someone and how she’s dealt. Maybe you’ll learn something that will be helpful to your relationship.
Post # 7
I am having a issue with a bridesmaid. I was planning on asking here to be my MOH but I am learning that she has changed (we have been friends since 5th grade) One of my bridesmaids (and future SIL) told me that I should choose wisely. She said not to pick anyone I don’t think I will be friends with in 10 years (which she was referring to here wedding 6 yrs ago) So with that said I have decided that I don’t want a MOH that won’t be with me or stand by me forever. Hope this helps. Sorry for your loss.
Post # 8
I’m very sorry about your grandfather. Could it be that death/dying makes her really uncomfortable and she just isn’t sure of the right thing to say? And maybe she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing. If you are this upset by it, maybe you can talk to her again to let her know it hurt your feelings. And who knows, maybe she acted that way because something is going on with her that you don’t know about.