Can you invite yourself to a wedding in place of someone else?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Do the two of you have other second cousins? Were they invited to the wedding? If not, I would bet that they’re trying to keep the guest list down by inviting first cousins only. If you attend in place of your dad, it probably puts the bride and groom in an awkward spot because the rest of the second cousins weren’t invited.

In this situation, especially with your mom being sick, I’d hope that your dad would be willing to accept the invitation and attend the event to prevent your mom from having to drive alone.

Post # 4
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I would recommend that your mom not go if your dad isn’t going with her. I agree with @cmbr: that the rest of your family might see this and create problems and misunderstand why you’re there. 

Post # 7
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

When an Invite is issued, it is for whomever it is written out to (be that at the top of the Invite, or on the Envelope)

So if it says, Mr. and Mrs. John Brown, then that is whom it is meant for.

IF Mr. John Brown cannot make it, then Mrs. John Brown has the right to decide if she wishes to attend alone, or send REGRETS as a couple.

It does not allow Mrs. John Brown to bring someone else in Mr. Brown’s place… UNLESS she has spoken to the Host… and the YES DO has been given

Example:

“As much as we’d like to make it, John hasn’t fully recovered from the fall he took, and so he won’t be able to attend.  And I’m not sure if I should attend alone, as it is a far ways to drive (or whatever)”

Then if the Host / Hostess is on the ball they’d say…

“Oh Mary, please do come, and bring someone else as your Guest”

BUT clearly the ability to bring another Guest in place of John, is something that the Host decides… and not the Guest.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 8
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is a tough one. I don’t think your mom should have to stay home just because your dad doesn’t want to go, and I don’t think she should have to go alone four weeks after a masectomy. I don’t know what the “right” thing to do is in this situation, but I’m sorry that you’re in the middle of it!

Post # 9
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would talk really gently to Bob and explain your mom’s situation, that she doesn’t want to go alone with her medical issues, but your father’s unable to make it.  And tell him that you would ordinarily never think of asking this, but your mother very much wants to attend and doesn’t want to go alone, so could you possibly take your father’s place in order to facilitate your mother attending.  And tell him it’s alright if it’s not possible.  You just wanted to make the inquiry for your mother’s sake.  This is a really unusual situation, and I think in this instance, facilitating your mother’s attendance is important.  If it was me, I’d want someone to inquire in order to make sure a relation to whom I was close got to come to the wedding.  You’re not asking to add a plate, just to change a placecard.  It’s unusual, but there’s no harm in asking, especially if you emphasise that it’s to facilitate your mother attending and that it’s fine if it’s not doable.  Don’t hold a gun to anyone’s head, and it should be alright.  It’s not the “most correct” thing to do, but cancer has a way of making etiquette awkward at times.

Post # 12
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Nope nope nope. Sorry.

Post # 15
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ClassicStarlight:  If dad can’t go, and mom can’t/won’t go alone, they RSVP no.

Bob may have invited them simply as a courtesy, knowing they’d say no (since your dad never goes to family events as you say). He may have a guest cap and want them to say no.

Let him extend an invitation to you if he wants – don’t bring it up. You’re his *second* cousin!

Post # 16
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

If your true concern is for your mom to attend and get home safely, why don’t you drive her, then find something in the area to occupy yourself during the wedding, then drive her home. This way, you don’t cross etiquette boundaries and put anyone in an awkward position, and your mom gets to attend as she wishes. She will clearly know others at the wedding, so she won’t be bored. If its that long a drive, maybe you & she can get a hotel in the area, and you can spend quality time with her afterward and drive back the next morning.

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