can you separate the man from the father?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t have any advice or experience in the matter, so I’m sorry I can’t be more help in that regard. However, I can see why it’s so conflicting. As an adult, my parents have become more like themselves among an equal as opposed to like a parent. My dad tells dirty jokes and my mom vents more often to us. Sometimes I wish they wouldn’t tell us when things are going wrong, but it definitely helps see them as real people.

Post # 4
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I was just thinking earlier today, do we have to keep having relationships with family if we don’t really care for them as people or just don’t get along with them? If it’s some “friend”, if they are negative or boring to be around, I’m not going to keep being around them. Like my stepdad, he raised me since I was 7. But he really isn’t trying to have a relationship with me, and most of that time, we never got along. Do I need to try to have a relationship with him, because he’s my dad? If he was just some other guy or even some Uncle, I wouldn’t bother trying to keep in touch with him.

Post # 5
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t talk to my father and his wife because they aren’t healthy people for me to be around. To make a long story short, they stress me out, and just don’t take any ownership in their actions or lack thereof. It was a transition at first. But I haven’t spent time with them in four years. Sometimes it is a little weird, but I think it beats the stress they cause.

 

Post # 6
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@bebero:  He’s your Dad, and until he murders you or your DH or your future kids, you will always love him.

My Dad started cheating on my Mom when they thought her cancer was terminal. 17 years later, he hasn’t been faithful for more than a year at a time. He once injured my sister with a chainsaw when he was trying to scare her and her boyfriend (he caught them showering together–she was 15, he was 19). He’s also a RAGING alcoholic, but functions JUST enough to work.

And he’s my Dad, and I will ALWAYS love him. No matter how horrible or flawed he is. Because he will always be the first man who loved me unconditionally.

Post # 7
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bebero:  It depends what he’s done.

My father did some terrible things to my mother, in terms of cheating on her and eventually leaving her. But after a few years, I came to see this as a “two sides of the story” thing. He cheated on her but was unhappy in the marriage. And he has always been a good father to me and by siblings.

If on the other hand your father has done worse things (e.g. stealing from her, or being violent or abusive, both of which are criminal offences), that’s different. So it depends on what it is. But I really don’t like taking sides if it’s “just” a matter of how the relationship broke up. (Even though I would never leave or cheat under the circumstances he was in, and think cheating is wrong).

Post # 9
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bebero:  That is rather different. Feel free to disregard my last post – I’ve never been in that situation, so I really don’t know how I’d react.

Post # 10
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@bebero:  It seems like the relationship between your mom and dad hasn’t officially ended on your dad’s side, because he’s still taking advantage of her as if she was still some family of his. Maybe in his point of view, these things are not a big deal what he’s doing. I’m assuming he was with your mother for quite a long time until they divorced. So maybe he’s having a hard time understanding the new concept of being divorced from her and that he can’t act like he can just go over there and do what he wants anymore. In terms of you, these actions are for your mom and him to deal with. I don’t think they should concern you. I mean if it’s seriously bad, your mom can call the police for your dad getting on her property and stealing her stuff…

Post # 11
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@bebero:  My father had affairs in the last few years of their marriage, and ended up leaving her for another woman.

I was only just 21, and of course I took my mother’s side.  Cut off my father totally.  That was 24 years ago, and I’ve not seen him since.

Now I’m 45, I look at things alot differently.  I see both sides more clearly now.   Both of them were responsible for the end of their marriage…and my mother should have kept us out of it.   To this day she has no idea how hurtful it is to hear her badmouth the man that is half responsible for me being here, the man that she once loved enough to have 3 children by. 

I agree with what BrandNewBride has said.  At the end of the day, he is still your father.  You aren’t betraying anyone if you still want to have a relationship with him.  If your mother is having problems with him, she can get the authorities involved, and they will deal with it.  She shouldn’t be making it your problem. 

Post # 13
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@bebero:  Ever since my parents got divorced, I ALWAYS separate the man from the father for many of reasons.  

Post # 14
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@bebero:  No, I don’t separate the two and the reason is very simple: being family doesn’t give you an all access pass to act however you want and expect me to still love and respect you. In order to have love and respect, you need to earn it and deserve it. Saying, “but he’s my dad” makes no sense to me. Dad or not, there are standards that need to be upheld and “but he’s my dad” doesn’t make it okay for him to be a bad person.

If people face no consequences for their actions they have no reason to stop behaving that way. 

Post # 16
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@raziel1687:  +1. For some reason we allow family to treat us like shit and do whatever they want. We excuse it because “they are family.” Well, too bad. If a stranger or a friend isn’t treating me badly then you can be damn sure that someone who is supposed to love me isn’t allowed to either.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors