Post # 1
Hi bees, I haven’t really been on in a while but I wanted to get some opinions from you ladies. My guy proposed to me last year on Xmas Eve. At that time, I was being a total brat. He was iin a place in his life where he was stuck, and I started getting antsy. He didn’t have a job, and it was hard for us to see each other because we both didn’t have cars at the time. He always talked about going to the Army but never worked out or went to the recruiter. He talked about us getting married and all his plans for us but I wanted action not words. I didn’t want to stick around if I didn’t think that we were going to make it. That we were both doing something not only for our future but for our own selves. I started having lots of doubts and pretty much nagging at him about him either showing commitment or showing that he was going to do something with himself. Well, he eventually did.
Now though, I don’t even consider us engaged. I still refer to him as my boyfriend. I’m kind of embarrased to call him my fiance because I know I’m young, I’m 19 he’s 23. I don’t want to be judged, so I just say boyfriend even though it bothers him.
Now we’re way more stable, though and we don’t fight as much. He’s about to ditch the part time job he hates and get a really good full time job, he’s going to the Army recruiter biweekly, and working out often to meet the weight limit. I have a job now as well, and am in the process of changing schools to change my major next semester. I feel way more centered and confident in the relationship. We have problems like every couple but we act more maturely about things and think about how our present affects our future.
Honestly, I regret being engaged the way we did. It was so rushed, and pressured. I mean, we’re not even planning a wedding. We want to get married when he gets back from boot camp, before he gets his duty station. He only has 5 lbs to lose so he can enlist in the Army. But obviously we can’t make plans without knowing start dates and whatnot. So, I guess I want to cancel being engaged and redo everything until he at least is enlisted. That way there’s a clearer picture of when its going to happen, if it even happens. I’m not sure how to explain this to him, or what this even means.
What do you ladies think about this? Have any of you ever been through something similar or postponed an engagement?
Post # 2
Mircat: Hmmm……I’m not sure I understand what you want. It sounds like you want to get married relatively soon, but you don’t want people to know? I’d understand if you weren’t looking to get married for a long tme, but that doesn’t sound like the case here.
It is okay to be engaged and not have a date set or anything. I think you’d be wise to even put it off until you are done with school, but I understand that with military couples, sometimes waiting isn’t an option. Besides, I don’t want to sound like your Mom
Post # 3
Mircat: I really hope my view doesn’t offend you, because I don’t mean to at all, I’m just going to provide a little advice based on my personal opinion and you can take it or leave it 🙂 Honestly, I would wait. It sounds like you both have a lot going for you, you’re in college and figuring out what you want to do with your life, he’s entering a new career in the military, both of your lives are about to change dramatically. I imagine you aren’t looking to try to concieve before you graduate college so my advice would be to wait until you graduate and he’s finished his first four in the army. You’ll be 23 at that point, you’ll both have a better idea of the direction you’d like your life to take, and you can go in that direction together. Start your marriage on a point of stability, when you both know what you want and where you’re going. Waiting doesn’t mean you don’t have confidence in your relationship at all. I think the commitment means a lot more when you actually know what you’re committing to, and at that point you’ll have a clear picture of where you want to live and what you want to do. And in the meantime you can get excited for a proposal that comes from a better place for both of you. Whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck!!
Post # 4
Mircat: From what I read you want to cancel the engagement then get engaged at a later time to make the proposal more meaningful?
I don’t think that’ll matter, it’ll always be your second engagement to the same man, I think you should focus on making your engagement time and planning process special. Very few people have a story book proposal, weddings really aren’t like they are in the movies. Things happen and we deal with them.
I’m sad that you don’t want to tell people you’re engaged, you should be happy and proud to be with your FI. I understand the age, but try not to let it bother you, and when people see that you’re mature, your life is on track and you’re happy to quote Dr. S here ‘the people who matter won’t mind and the people who mind don’t matter’.
Be happy girl! Young and in love isn’t so bad.
Post # 5
I understand how you feel about the lacluster and somewhat disingenuous first engagement. If you feel comfortable and he feels comfortable, I do not see a problem with “starting over” the engagement.<br /><br />However, why don’t you two just sit down, discuss what you want and continue from that point on with the current engagement? As Bridey77 said, you do not need to have a set date to be engaged. The engagement period is a great place for learning and growing as a couple, and I think this is exactly what you two have done thus far.
Post # 6
I think the PPs have had some really good comments regarding getting your lives more settled before getting married etc and that’s something I think you and your partner have to discuss.
As far as how to bring this up to him, I have some suggestions. Have you guys discussed the fact you may have put pressure on him to get engaged? Like even just saying what you said above, e.g. “Man I was a brat – sorry I put so much pressure on you” etc? If you have, that could be a great way to start a conversation about postponing the engagement/wedding.
You could say you really regret pressuring him and were thinking it might be nice to have a ‘re-do’ of sorts? During this conversation I’d be gauging his reaction because depending on how he is feeling this could be a massive relief or really crushing. But it’s very likely he feels the same way you do, and as long as you make it clear this isn’t a break-up, you could discover he has been thinking the same thing as you but didn’t want to bring it up for fear of offending you!
It sounds like you’ve both matured heaps in the last year and so I think it’s fair that you’ve realised maybe you rushed it and it could be better to take it slower – marriage is a pretty serious life event that no one wants to rush! 🙂
Goodluck! It sounds like you’re both in a much better place at the moment – I hope everything works out for him with the Army and you and your studies!
Post # 7
Mircat: Like xoxocheri: why don’t you two just sit down, discuss what you want and continue from that point on with the current engagement? Personally, I think you might make him confused and/or hurt him if he thinks you want to end the engagement, especially since you only refer to him as your boyfriend.
Post # 8
I talked to him and things went okay. I pretty much explained what I did in this post, and he understood. I told him I rather wait a bit and get engaged after he gets a start date for boot camp. He’s holding on to the ring now too.
Thanks for the helpful replies, ladies 🙂
Post # 9
We got engaged and were in the process of ring shopping and whatnot. Just waiting on a ring to happiky announce it. Then he got really sick and was in the hospital on deaths door. We put the ring and the announcement on hold for almost a year until he was fully recovered and back to work. We didn’t cancel it, we just didn’t annouce it and stopped ring shopping. It was hard, but we knew out commitment and we wanted our engagement to be a happy time, not a scared, sick, unhappy time. We also didn’t want to have it come from fear, and the second time around was even better knowing we had been through such a terrible experience and come out stronger. For us, it was the best decision.