Weddingbee boards

My Fi and I just got into a fight. A caterer we're suppose to meet with tomorrow e-mailed to say they don't have adequate time to prepare for our taste test tomorrow (a meeting we set up over 3 weeks ago!!!) and I got upset (we have not, in our 11 month engagement so far, met with a single caterer, dj, florist, baker, etc). My FI was all "whatever" about it and I went off about how he's no help what-so-ever (its true. He wants veto power on my ideas and my efforts, but has not helped with a single detail to date) and I am doing this whole wedding on my own and how I feel all this pressure because of that and because we're less the 9 months out with NO ONE BOOKED (except the photographer, who is only booked because he's a friend...). I said that i don't want to be angry or stressed on our wedding day so things need to get done in a timely manner and a bunch of other stuff. I know if things are left to the last minute, I'm going to have a melt down on my wedding day.

His response? I am the one causing problems by insisting on having a reception, which is why no one is helping me. We don't need a caterer, hall, music, flowers, or a reception. In fact, let's cancel everything EXCEPT the church ceremony because the rest is stupid and expensive and wasteful. In fact, let's skip any kind of honeymoon too. And while we are at it, let's get married in jeans and t-shirts because special clothes are stupid too. Wait, no, let's get rid of the guests as well! Our parents can come in jeans and t-shirts to an undecorated ceremony where we dress like we do every single other day of the week and celebrate in no way whatsoever with no one else. No reception, no honeymoon, no effort in anyway to mark this day as special and apart from any other day in our lives.

I was (and am still!) so upset I told him to go away and leave me alone. I said I'd rather talk to people online then him right now because he doesn't understand and has never made an effort to. He just walked away. I am hurt and pissed off. I was the one who wanted to elope originally. He was the one who said he refused to do that, as only a Catholic ceremony in a church here in Milwaukee is good enough for him. I figure that if i have to go through becoming a member of a church of a religion which believes in a god I have no belief in (atheist here) and then go through a religious ceremony I don't give two oranges about, then I gosh darn well deserve a party for that!

Am I crazy to want to celebrate our getting married with our close friends and family? That's how he and everyone else consistently makes me feel and I am F------ tired of it!

@ Ember78- I too feel its rude to invite people to a ceremony and not offer them stuff to eat and drink!

@YSAP2M- "There "appears" to be a BIG controlling red flag waving high in the air." I have no idea what you are talking about? Me? Him? Please clarify!

@polkadot- I am not planning a big formal sit-down dinner. I would like a cocktail hour with drinks and snacks, a buffet dinner, and some kind of dessert (I agreed to have pie instead of cake because he hates cake) followed by dancing. He doesn't understand the need for food, drinks, or dancing. He is not against the type of reception I am planning- he is against any reception what-so-ever!

As for converting- I am not. The church where we are getting married has only asked 2 things of us- that we attend one in a while (and it doesn't even have to be both of us, as long as one of us shows up once in a while) and that we take free pre-marital counseling classes with the head priest. I can do that. While I don't believe in god (and I have been very honest and upfront with them about that) I have nothing against going to church and listening and singing for an hour or pre-marital conseling. They are not trying to convert me. I am not converting. There has been no dishonesty on my part in any of our dealings with the church or its congregants. So no, I don't think I am insulting anyone.

@OttawaBride2011- I have no idea what's going on and I'm too upset with him to have a rational conversation right now. In fact, he just came in trying to pretend nothing happened and I sent him away (yay for finally having an apartment big enough to do that!) as I need my space to think and cool off. He's no more stressed then I am, maybe less so. We are both working part-time and in school, but I am also planning a wedding, job hunting, planning Christmas AND New Years Eve parties, decorating the house and cleaning the house. I also have two relatives in-and-out of ICU on the verge of dieing and a sister freaking out that her son's father's girlfriend is telling her son that she's his mother, not my sister! He's got FAR less on his plate.

@Dizzy- First, if you need help planning stuff here in Milwaukee, or just advice about local stuff, feel free to ask me! I've only lived here 6, almost 7 (holy poop!), years, but I am familiar with the area and after 11 months of research, planning, and thinking, I have a pretty good head for what's in the area for weddings. I can't get support or help with things myself, so I totally feel you on that!

Also- you CAN have  Catholic mass without his converting! Just get married where we are- St. Benedict the Moor downtown on 9th and State. Super awesome people there! They know I am an atheist and I have not been asked to convert even once! The church is absolutely beautiful (message me with your e-mail address if you want pictures!) and its on the historical register. Its a Milwaukee landmark in its own way.

I will talk to him once I am a bit calmer. WB is helping a lot! And I am rarely snide, I am more of an in-your-face person, then a cutting-sode-remark person. Sometimes I wish I could be snide!

@jmc- I've no idea why he doesn't want to mark that day as special, but I'd love to know! It makes me feel (even if it is not meant that way) like he doesn't find ME special or important. Like I embaress him too much to introduce me to all his family and friends. :_(  And frankly, I've been engaged for 11 months already. By the time we marry it'll be 1 year and 7 months of engagement. If that's not enough for him, then he needs to think if he really wants to be married to me or not.

@JoonBee- I have talked to him soooo many times about how he (and both our families!) seem to think a wedding is something you throw together the week before it happens, maybe the day before if you're really pushing time close to the wire! I've shoed him timelines, books, blogs, pictures, etc. and he (and our families) Just. Don't. Get. It. NO ONE understands that these things take time! Gaaahhh! Its enough to make me pull all my hair out and scream!

I know on some level he is upset that I am so frustrated (not just with wedding stuff, but with family and work stuff that all blew up today), but his way of dealing with it (if this is it) just makes things Worse, not better. I am glad to know you were able to book things out with only 7 months to go. I am just worried because 1- we are on a TINY budget and there are only so many options we can afford realistically. 2- In calling around for things I already know a large percentage of things are already booked up. I am deeply worred that if we keep putting things off everything and everyone will be 100% booked. 3-Even if not 100% of things are booked, then that we won't be able to afford those who are left unbooked, which is just as bad as them being booked anyhow. He doesn't get this. I am also multi-tasking likes an insane person. If I take on one more thing I will explode and end up in a crazy house.

@tammyt112- i took him to a Bridal Expo. He complained the whole time, was bored and showed Zero interest in anything there (although part of that is that there were no caterers or bakers at the show!! So NO food or drinks to try!). I would like him more involved, but after 11 months of trying I am sick to death of trying.

@jmc- Maybe? I guess I don't see it, but I am in it, so, ya know? But if he were really controlling, wouldn't he want to be planning this thing? Getting his way? I don't know... *sigh*

@YSAP2M- I think I see what you are saying. It just hadn't ever occured to me that his disagreeing with everything was his being controlling. Hmmm...that is something I think I need to really think about. Thanks.

@Dizzy- I do think a great deal of it is about wanting/needing different things. But I don't think its about "If you want it, put it together" because I have been the only one planning the ceremony (which I would rather have be 5 minutes and on a beach) as well as the reception. He suggested the officiant (a friend of ours) and that was it.

@Dizzy- Maybe they could have coffee to talk about how little they help us. *sigh*

@daydreamwanderer- We actually looked into resturant receptions, but everywhere we looked had minimums which were higher then our whole budget. Yikes! Its odd but an inexpensive caterer and our county park hall are less expensive then a resturant.

He does own a suit but its not...well...its not that great. I think he looks fab in anything (or nothing! ;p) but the suit is a gray that wouldn't work with other elements. And he doesn't think there is any point in fancy clothes. Bah.

I don't think he has a bad impression of marriage- his parents have been happily married for 36 years! If either of us ought to have a problem, it should be me. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my sister has been divored twice now!

I am calmer now but I just don't know how to have this conversation with him. Erg.

@Dizzy- Maybe! Surprisingly, in my 7(almost) years here I have only dated 2 guys who were born and raised here. My FI is #2.

@Vintage201- We actually talk many things out outside the wedding stuff. I'd like to think we're both pretty good at compromising (although sometimes its a difficult process). There is just something about wedding planning that seems to make communication more difficult and compromise nearly impossible...Its hard for me to verbally explain why these things are important to me. Maybe because I don't know why they are important to me.

@DreamComeTrue- Frankly, if someone had told me 10, or even 4 years ago that i would meet a person I loved so much that I would both want to marry them and start a family AND be willing to have a religious ceremony, I would have laughed in their face! I was (and am) a crazy radical, super liberal, queer, atheist who used to very much lead an alternative lifestyle. Having a Catholic religious ceremony in a church that I have been attending for 1.5 years (by the time we marry) is almost beyond compromising. But it'd make him happy and it doesn't cost me anything to do it (ie- neither my morals, beliefs, or inherent honesty have to be compromised). I would like to think he wants the same for me. I just honestly think he is just thick about this.

I'll be honest- I've gain a lot of weight since meeting my FI (going from a veggie lifestyle without sugar, butter, and most fat in my food to veggie lifestyle based in sugars, butter, and fats and letting things go have taken their toll.). He is my height, a fairly skinny (he was super duper skinner when we met. He's gained weight too, but more from "anerxic thin" to normal). When we met we wore the same size, now? I look like a Land Whale next to him. I feel like a land whale. And while neither he nor his friends have ever said anything (although his brother has), I always feel like they must give him crap for dating and agreeing to marry a Land Whale. (His brother has said he still has time to back out if he doesn't want to get stuck with a cow like me.) I may just be projecting my own insecurties about my weight and looks onto him. It doesn't help that our love life has plummeted to zero of late. Errrmmm...that may have been TMI.

@amanda.lynn- It generally doesn't matter how much I ask, my FI is a pretty cold fish, as far as talking about his feelings. He was better when we first met, but now, other then his general willingness to tell me he loves me all the time, he's a closed book. Which is 180 from me, who is crazy, emotional, passionate and not afraid to blurt it all over (most of the time).

I'm sorry you have to deal with this :( What are the pre-marital classes like at the church?  Since it seems that he feels it's important to be married there, maybe bringing this issue up during a class could help him get some perspective? Sometimes an objective, outside point of view can make people see the truth in what their partner has been saying all along...

I've read a few posts on here that have sent off red flags, but none as scary as this one. It is not ok to allow his family to put you down about your weight (or your looks or anything else, for that matter). It is not ok to make you miserable trying to plan a wedding because of his indifference towards the reception. Regardless of his personal feelings, he should support you and participate in the planning because it really matters to you, just like you are supportive and participating in the Catholic ceremony because it matters to him. There are going to be many other big issues that come up throughout your life where you disagree. Are you willing to do it his way or not at all every single time?

If you have discussed all this with him in a calm rational manner, and he still has the attitude of "I don't think it's necessary, so I'm not lifting a finger," I think it's a huge warning sign. My FI and I had very different ideas of what a wedding should be and what elements should matter, but we both changed them to make each other happy, and are both involved equally in the planning.

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UPDATE:

Sorry this has taken so long. I have been insanely sick the last few days. Just sitting up drains all my energy!

So I woke up my FI at 2AM the other morning and laid it all out- how I felt about what he said, how I feel about the wedding, my thoughts on us, what it means to be husband and wife, and everything else. I said I needed to know how he was feeling, why, and what he wants/needs. Turns out, he's been freaking out internally that his grades (which are amazing!) aren't good enough. He wants to get a 100% paid ride for graduate & PhD schools AND have money left over to put towards a baby, new car, and buying a house. He said he's worried that his bad decisions when he was young (he got kicked out of school his grades were so bad) are going to affect our chances at a great future. He feels that what is one day, even something as awesome as out wedding day, compared to his deeper worries of the future that day represents? When he put it like that, I feel he has a really good point. What is one day in the face of a lifetime? We did agree that our wedding day IS important though and he is going to work harder to either make decisions With me or back my decisions up when I make them. He is also going to start helping me when I ask him to and maybe take over some things so I am freaking out from stress a little less.

He is an amazing guy at heart, he is just unable to talk about his feelings and worries sometimes because he's never been asked to before. We simply have different goals right now- my goals are to pull off an amazing wedding on a super tiny budget. His goals are to set us on the right track financially for a stable, happy future which includes children, stable good paying jobs, a new car, and a house. I think about everything he is thinking about, but for me its stuff that doesn't need to be addressed Right Now, unlike the wedding. We're honestly working towards the same things, but from different perspectives. It was a relief for us both to know we're both freaking out over the same things. I think that now its out in the open, it'll be easier for us both to address.

As for my weight issues- they really are MY weight issues. He loves me as I am. When his brother says nasty things to me, he backs me up and tells his brother to apologies and then shut up. I have never heard his friends say nasty things (and his parents love me like a daughter they say), I just imagine that they must. It is really hard to feel good about yourself when you are easily 100+lbs overweight and can never find clothes which fit in normal stores. If you are not, nor have never been, overweight, you can't imagine how totally shitty it is. You can't shop in normal stores for clothes, you don't fit in chairs, people say nasty things to you or behind your back all the time, and there is a general idea that you can be treated like garbage and society is okay with that. Even my optimism can't stand up to the daily abuse for long. Just when you start to feel awesome about yourself, someone says something horrible and its right back to feeling like poop. Society really treats us big girls badly. I have been bigger before (size 24) and I have been tiny before (size 5/6) (I am on the larger size right now, 16/18) and the way thin women get treated is night and day from the way big women get treated. I actually was shocked at the way I was treated when I was thinner to how I am treated as a larger woman! Terrible. I work out and try to eat healthy, but weight loss is slow (only 35lb down right now) and its depressing to only lose about 1lb a week when you want all 100 to melt off overnight!