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Do you still want to marry him? Your comment, "what to do with the man is a whole other issue" makes me wonder what you meant by saying that. Are you saying you basically are just so frustrated you can't see straight, or that you are reconsidering the marriage in general?
It's not like he meant to stay married. It sounds like an honest mistake, and guys typically procrastinate. Don't get me wrong, I'd be seething, too. I'd have the *wedding* anyways (even if it's not 100% legal) and not tell your guests. They don't have to know the legal issues behind it, it's really not that big of a deal for you to quietly and legally tie the knot later. It's still a special day. Is there anything that can be done to get him legally divorced before the wedding?
I'd still go if i was a guest. I'd already RSVP'ed! But like I said above, I wouldn't go to the trouble fo telling your guests or downplaying it like it's a committment ceremony. it's still your wedding and you'll sign the paperwork later. I think cancelling it will be the biggest headache ever with all your OOT guests. How can you possibly refund thema ll their money...plane tickets, hotel rooms, etc? Oh gosh don't even go there in my opinion.
Where are you getting married anyways? This might play a factor....at the place i'm getting married we could wing this. But don't churches require paperwork up front, etc? I bet your FI's ex wife is ticked, too...isn't she?! Im so sorry you're in this predicament. It's sticky for sure. At least it will all be over in a month! =]
First of all, you need a huge HUG! If you want to go through with the marriage, then i don't think there's anything wrong with turning it into a commitment ceremony. You put so much work and money into this, go through with it. Most people don't even have to know it's not an officail ceremony (if you have something in your ceremony that shows you signing a paper, sign a blank one, no one will know the difference) otherwise at most weddinga I've been to, the license is usually signed in the pastor's office, in private and you don't see it anyway. I wouldn't even mention it to people unless they already know the situation. If they do know, then tell them that although this is a HUGE blow and you're upset, you still want to commit your life to him and would like to go ahead with what you have planned. They should support you in that decision.
Good luck
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What kind of ceremony will you be having? hopefully not catholic :P
If really love your fi and this is truly the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, divorce or no divorce, I say go ahead with the commitment ceremony. Go to city hall when this mess is taken care of and be officially married.
If you are having second thougths because he lagged on getting this done, maybe it is good idea to postpone the wedding until you can make a sound decision without the pressure of a wedding hanging over your head.
regardless the case, people will be upset but that happens at any wedding.
Trust your gut
I'm so sorry this happened, and worse, so close to your wedding.
I think the first thing you need to do is make sure about your feelings about your FI. Was this an honest mistake and something he's now trying his best to remedy and you're ok with it? Or is it something that has been brewing and is making you have second thoughts about your relationship?
Assuming you still WANT to marry him, what I'd do is go ahead with the wedding as planned, since you've done so much planning and your guests have as well. It would be hard to reschedule for say, 2 months down the road to make sure stuff has gone through, in my opinion. Then I'd try to push the divorce through as quickly as possible, and if it doesn't get done by the time of the wedding, I'd go through with it exactly as if it were a wedding. No need to tell your guests that it's a "commitment ceremony"--you can get married in your heart that day, and by law later at the courthouse when the divorce finalizes. (If you're being married by a member of the clergy who is not OK with this, maybe have another officiant for this reason?? Not sure of your situation there).
I know not everyone would agree with this, but it's what I'd do if it were me...Good Luck!!!
I'm sorry you're dealing with this!! I really hope you can find a way to get past it and have happy memories.
If I were in your position, here's what I would do:
Work like mad to get that divorce pushed through in time.
If that didn't happen- I wouldn't tell ANYONE about the situation except your officiant. Go through with the wedding as planned, only it won't be legal. You're still making a committment in front of your families and your friends, it can be valid and real for you- just not for the federal government. Then when the paperwork comes though, just run to the court house and get married.
If people wonder where the marriage license is or something- just tell a white lie, "Due to all the red tape, it was easier for us to have our ceremony here and just run to the courthouse when we got back to our state to make it legal."
You don't say what type of wedding you are having- church, civil, JoP, clergy, etc. Hopefully your officiant will be understanding and conduct the ceremony as usual, just without the license.
Good luck!
So long as this hasn't affected your relationship for the worse (i.e. reconsidering getting marriage when it would be valid), then I would have a commitment ceremony, and the party. Then when the divorce is final, have a smaller ceremony, with close family and a few friends, with a dinner afterwards. Ultimately this is about you and your FH and your commitment to one another in front of the people you most care about.
I hope it all works out for you, and you shouldn't be embarrased. Be happy, you have found someone to love who loves you back. This is a small set-back in the long term.
First off... ((HUGS))... I am soo sorry to hear that you are going through this, what a challenge at what should be a very exciting next 19 days...
I do not have any experienced advice for you but my opinion would be to have your wedding, just without the legal papers you need... enjoy your celebration and after all is said and done move forward with YOUR husband and help him finish the divorce papers and then have your marriage legalized...
I mean, I know it is a difficult situation to be in and I couldn't imagine the things that would be going through my head if this was me but the point of your wedding is to celebrate the love you have for eachother and the oath the two of you have vowed with eachother... the marriage license is the LEGAL end of things...
I guess the way I am looking at it is you can be married leagally without a wedding, so why can't you have a wedding without having it be legal??? I hope (and I don't think) you are having second thoughts as to if this is the man you want to marry, I am sure he did not plan on this happening either, and yes he took his sweet time (9 months) to get you the paperwork but consider this your first obstacle as a married couple... with marriage comes challenges - take it on and come out above...
Good luck and best wishes... and dont be embarrased.... xoxoxoxo
i couldn't agree more with ejs4y8. it's an honest mistake. it doesn't / shouldn't change how you two feel about each other, it's all just paper work that needs to be taken care of and that can be done discreetly.
just keep in mind- he's not still married to you- just the state. as long as the wedding is real to you that's all that matters.
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It seems like a simple mistake and nothing to cancel a wedding over- I think the best thing to do is have the ceremony and make it legal later, that way you wont be disappointing your guests and you still have pretty photos. You can't get a marriage license if the first marriage is still there but after the divorce you can just apply for the license and get married at the court house. No one but you two will ever need to know.
The divorce may be a lot faster than you think. Even without cooperation from the ex wife, a judge may see that they have nothing in common anymore as in children or property and have been apart for 8 years. There shouldn't be anything really holding you guys up.
Hive,
I'm sitting at my desk blinking back tears. You all are so wonderful -- I knew I could count on you for honest feedback and advice.
To answer a few questions, the wedding is non-religious, though we've hired a pastor to perform the ceremony. I think he'd likely work with us on going through with the ceremony as planned even if we don't have the official paperwork. If he says he won't, I'm sure I could ask one of our good friends to step in. She isn't licensed to perform marriages, but that obviously wouldn't matter. 
FI is trying his best to remedy this situation, but that requires the cooperation of his estranged wife who disappeared from his life years ago. The biggest hurdle in all of this is getting her to sign the #*&$ paperwork -- everything else is set and ready to roll. (She's an alcoholic -- enough said.) If she signs by this Friday, we'll likely be okay. If not, the chances of it getting through the courts in time are slim to none.
ejs4y8, your observation about my feelings about FI is keen. I've gone from wanting to kick him in the head to feeling total compassion for him and back again. I'm angry, frustrated, hurt ... logical or not, I feel totally betrayed. I so desperately want to believe the best, but the worst keeps creeping back in. I'm grieving.
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I wouldn't change a thing as far as your guests go. The legal aspect of all of this is not really important to them Have your wedding as you planned and make it legal as soon as you can thereafter. Assuming of course, you still want to marry your FI!
This very same thing happened to my Mom and (now) Stepdad a few years back. And just a couple of weeks before the wedding, too.
It was VERY stressful for all of us, but they were able to get his difficult ex-wife to sign the papers and got the divorce finalized the very day before the wedding.
It's a very difficult situation to be in, but I'm pretty sure that you don't want to call off the wedding, from the sounds of it. Yes, you have EVERY right to be pissed off and hurt, but I'm pretty sure it was an honest mistake that he made or else why would he wait so long to bring it up? It would've been a lot easier to fix months ago...
Even if you are unable to get it worked out in time, I agree with everyone who has said that you should just treat your ceremony as legitimate (since it will be to you two!) and most guests have no need to even know.
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I agree with everyone else, and I think your plan is what I would do. Good luck getting in contact with her! *hugs*
To maybe make you feel better, here is a true story about my parents...
I (and my three brothers) are products of my parents second marriage, and they have been married for over 25 years. Recently, my dad was going through his life insurance stuff, and realized that his ex-wife was still listed as the beneficiary if he were to die. He immediately switched it over to my mom, after a good laugh and a *whew* that we saw that before the time was too late :)
So! I guess what I'm trying to say is paperwork is not as important as how you feel, and the real committment you give each other. Good luck to you!
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OK, I already wrote my advice, but after seeing your response...
Try not to feel betrayed. I know it's hard, but it sounds like it really was an honest mistake, and he's probably feeling horrible about it. Of course, none of us know your FI, but it sounds like he is truly trying.
As anyone who is or is marrying a divorcee knows, a past marriage comes with some baggage no matter what, and it seems like if this is the worst thing you have to face from it, that's pretty good.
I know it seems hard right now not to feel sad about it, but I have confidence that you'll work through it! Try to concentrate on the fun, happy parts of the last few weeks of planning and leave your FI to do what he can about the divorce, then have a GREAT TIME on your wedding day. :)
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All this advice has been wonderful -- I would just add that you should speak to your pastor as soon as possible. The two of you should try to go to speak to him in person so that he can continue to see your commitment to each other and to the marriage and I'm sure he will be able to perform the ceremony.
Good luck!
I also am not surprised - my husband was previously married, and although he was definately divorced (although who knows whether he would have really gotten through all that paperwork if there weren't custody issues) he still had boxes full of her stuff, and also had her name on the title to his house and both cars. So - one word of advice - make sure that while your husband is getting her signature on the divorce papers, he ALSO get her to sign any paperwork required to get her name off those sorts of documents. The divorce degree stating that he is now the sole owner IS NOT sufficient to do that - you will need her signature separately. You don't want to be chasing her around again every couple of months as these things come up - the stress of going through this once is certainly enough, for both of you.
On the subject of why or how guys fail to actually get their papers finalized, or still have boxes of their ex's clothing, while women make a production of burning every photo, it's a bit of a mystery to me. I think my husband just didn't want to think about it any more - and trying to sort through her stuff and get it out of the house would involve thinking about it. It really bothered me at first, because I kept thinking about it like "Why did he keep all her stuff?" I finally decided that really, it was a good sign, because what it actually meant was that he really didn't have enough energy on the subject anymore to make it worth his time and effort to even go through the stuff. (We actually hauled it all to the Goodwill - I figured that after all that time, if she had never bothered to come get it, there was no way I was going to go out of my way to get it back to her.)
I agree with rosychicklet. As long as you still WANT to marry him I'd go ahead with it as planned. It seems from the tone of your post that you're really upset about the underlying issues (which is totally valid) which might warrant postponing the wedding until you can work through everything together. Good luck and we are totally here for you <3
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I agree with all the other advice you've gotten to go through with the wedding even if it is only a commitment ceremony, IF you still want to marry him.
This incident may be showing you a key part of his character though, and that is definitely something to come to terms with. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't marry him...just that sometimes our partners are not as perfect or on-the-ball as we want them to be. And it can be tough to acknowledge that.
I had a similar character-revealing experience with my husband shortly after we were married. He managed to not file his taxes three years in a row. Finally around tax time this year he gets a call from the IRS about it that we owe them several thousand dollars, more than half of which is late fees. Apparently if you don't do it long enough, they do it for you and then bill you. I was livid. How on earth could he have neglected to do such an important thing? What bothered me the most was seeing this character trait of irresponsibility. He didn't do it on purpose...he just forgot.
It has been a really hard thing to talk about in our relationship. Some of the changes have been me accepting that he is this way and some of it has been him understanding how much it means to me that he be more on the ball when it really matters. Otherwise, I have found some joy in it---like when I bring his sunglasses in my purse when we go outside, and he won't remember that he wants them until he gets outside...at which point, tada! Sunglasses. :)
I am with the bees, honest mistakes do happen. My FH was married and the same thing happend, papers never filled and he wasn't divorced. Once we found out, we contacted a lawyer and the process was fairly easy since we didn't know where his ex lived. We traveled to Texas and WE were at the courthouse when the papers where filled. All this after 4 years of being together. Please don't feel embarassed, you did nothing wrong. I do have to say that I was pretty mad at FH for not following up on things but in the end he loves me and only me.
I would recoment that if you can, start the process of divorce ASAP. In our case it cost about $500 because it was uncontested and they had no assets.
Good luck and hugs.
Regardless of what happens witht he paperwork, I agree that you should go ahead with the ceremony. I don't think the legality really matters much, you don't need the law to recognize you as a couple to love one another. I'm sure that a friend would be honored to perform the ceremony if the pastor will not. I'm sure that it was all an honest mistake, and if he's willing to rush to get it fixed, then he obviously means it.
The paperwork is just a technicality - try to take it easy and be calm, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED! Whee! :) Everything will come together.
(((Hugs))))
The whole divorce thing was probably a grateful situation for him and he was just happy to be over it.
So, I am guessing "what to do with the man" is a reference to his lack of attention to detail.
19 days. I'd say, that if you still want to be married to him, go ahead with the ceremony. Then have a JP wedding once the paperwork is finalized. And set up a reward system for when that takes place. Because it is HIS divorce, he needs to take care of it. Maybe you don't do his laundry or make dinner or sleep in the same bed or any number of other things he might want. Once the divorce is final then he can really indulge in you as a wife. But until then, hold him accountable.
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Dearest Hive,
I'm less than 3 weeks from my wedding and truly struggling. I've been reading weddingbee daily for about a year and have always been impressed with the sound advice offered, so I'm throwing out a lifeline in the hopes that you can help. (I usually post under another name but am so embarassed about this situation I wanted to remain anonymous.)
I'm an older bride, and my FI has been married before. His relationship with his wife ended about 8 years ago. FI and I met in 2003, dated until 2006, took a year-long "break", and reconciled in mid-2007. We got engaged in May 2008. I have never seen a copy of my FI's divorce papers, but assumed that all was taken care of when he and his wife separated. I have been asking FI to get a copy of his divorce decree for 9 months (kind of important, huh?), and he finally decided to look into it about 6 weeks ago. Long story short, he's not divorced -- the papers were never filed. He didn't bother to attend his divorce hearing years ago, so the papers he signed were deemed invalid. He says he didn't know this was the case, but I'm just beyond devastated. I have cried about this for a week and a half now. We need nothing short of a miracle for his divorce to clear (including cooperation from his estranged wife) before our wedding date.
My main question for you in what to do about the wedding that's due to take place in 19 days. (What to do with the man is a whole other issue...) Do we go ahead with some sort of commitment ceremony and just make it legal once his divorce is processed? Do we postpone? Do we cancel entirely? We're getting married in my hometown (2000 miles from where we live) and are expecting a fair number of OOT guests. If we cancel, do we refund them the money they've spent? If you were attending a wedding that, seemingly overnight, became a commitment ceremony (whatever that means?), would you be upset? Not attend?
Help. I need your wisdom and guidance. I've gone round and round about this with family and friends and need some unbiased viewpoints. Thanks in advance.