Post # 1
Well bee’s, I think we are canceling our wedding. I don’t know what to do anymore.
We were engaged in January and had not done a lot of active wedding planning until about September. ( We are currently building a house and I couldn’t take that much stress and planning at once!) Since we have started planning ( trying to decide date place and budget) we have faced nothing but negativity. I have tried my best to make everyone ( fiance, FMIL and my mom) happy but I seem to be failing horribly. His mother cries ( her way of fighting) nightly to my fiance that she hates our date and how could we do this to her. ( Yes, I will admit September is a bad month for a teacher but she teaches grade one and we adjusted the rehearsal time so that at MOST she would need to only take 1/2 a day off – which she is paid for due to their collective agreement so she isn’t losing out on any wages.) My mother repeatedly says she support us 100% in whatever we want to do but I have yet to hear a single “wow that’s a cool idea” or ” good job” or in general a single darn thing that is positive. We had a 2 hour long fight over whether to have just turkey or turkey and roast beef (I say just do turkey because it saves us like $2,000 in food, she says how dare I make my guest eat turkey if they don’t like it) and then we had another fight last night (which was the last straw) for over 45 mins about whether we needed to provide wine on each table. I have been trying to listen to her input and I do want her to be happy ( she is giving us $5000 towards the wedding that she says is just a gift but then she throws out comments like ” well I’m not paying for you guys to do “) but it can’t take the constant fighting. It has gotten to the point that both my fiance and myself are losing weight because we are not eating or sleeping we are so stressed. We dread talking about the wedding. I have been crying constantly for over 2 weeks because I feel like I can’t please anyone and that we are going to spend to much money etc. Our mothers CONTINUALLY imply how selfish we are being ( but then if I say to my mom well if I do this I feel like I’ll be told I’m selfish and she gets mad and says nobody is saying that). All I hear are comments about “well you need to do this for the guests”, “you can’t expect your guests to do this”, you have to invite this person”, “proper etiquette says do this”, “you have to have a DJ and dance” and so on and so forth ( I’m sure you get the picture). So I feel defeated. Here I have been planning the conventional wedding our mothers want yet apparently I still am screwing up. If we had our way we would have a small wedding with close friends and family ( yes we would probably hurt a ton of peoples feelings because we wouldn’t be inviting every single aunt, cousin etc just the ones we see often), in the mountains, no big dance ( we are not big “partiers” per se), have a simple meal ( yum – pizza), and play cards and just visit with the ones we love. The idea of having even a hundred guests upsets me ( but we were going to do it to please everyone and not hurt feelings) because I would rather be able to hang out with everyone that comes than just say “hi thanks for coming” in the receiving line. So I don’t know I don’t see how we have been very selfish. The only thing we have not compromised on was the fact we want to get married in the mountains ( anywhere between a 2-4 hr drive from where we live so it is a semi-destination wedding I guess).
So I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be great and thank you for listening. I know it was long winded. Should we cancel the wedding? I really do not want to just elope the two of us. I want to be walked down the aisle by my dad and the people I love around me. I just don’t think mentally I can take anymore of the fighting. I don’t know what options we have anymore. I still want to marry my best friend but I don’t want to hate my wedding. I don’t know why the day is more about giving our guests a good party than about us making a commitment to each other. My heart feels like it is breaking. I don’t see any way out of this.
Post # 3
Stop asking her input, plan it how you want. Do not take her money if she was contributing at all.
This wedding is for you and your husband, not her. Do not discuss details with her. Tell her where and when to show up if you want her to and leave it at that.
Post # 5
@sbruin99: I’m so sorry your families aren’t being supportive of your dream wedding. I totally understand feeling obligated to please everybody, especially if they are contributing to the budget. However, at the end of the day, if you don’t like your wedding, it’s not worth the money. I hate to say cancel the wedding (especially if you will be eating the loss of any down payments), but it sounds like this is going to be more stress and misery than it’s worth. If you’re having physical side effects from the stress they are putting on you, that’s a serious problem. It’s also a problem that you are crying for two weeks straight because you are being forced to hold this event for people who seem never to be satisfied. If I were you, I’m not exactly sure what I would do, partly because I am courteous to a fault sometimes and would probably sacrifice my happiness for that of my parents (NOT a good thing to do, so I’m definitely not saying to do that). If you want to have a small wedding in the mountains with pizza and card games, have a small wedding in the mountains with pizza and card games. Your wedding should be what YOU want. If you can please others along the way, great, but if you can’t, then it’s most important to please yourself. Tell you mother and FMIL that if you don’t start recieving some support in your desires and decisions, that you will be cancelling the traditional wedding and having the event that you feel is best for you. You may be surprised to find out how quickly they shut up. Good luck!
Post # 6
@sbruin99: hon, do not take that 5K from your mom, and return it if you already accepted it, since it clearly comes with strings. There is no pleasing everyone and it sounds like no matter how much bending you do, both sets of parents just want more and more of THEIR wants and are never satisfied. You should not have to be miserable at your own wedding day. I think I’d take a step back from talking to family about the wedding, and spend a little more time planning without their input – see how you feel then.
Post # 7
Unfortunately while we are waiting for our house to be finished we are living back at home to save money. So it is hard to avoid my mom ( we try our best to just avoid going to his mothers house right now because she cries and complains whenever we see her). I have stopped asking her opinion on anything but since she is putting in 1/3 of the money she keeps saying what we should do.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@sbruin99: You know how they say if you try to please everyone then no one is happy? This is one of those cases. It is time to do what you guys want and just plan it on your own. Yes you do need to accomodate guests to ensure it is accessible physically and take into account food restrictions (if you are feeding them) but you do not need to do anything beyond that to accomodate guests. Good luck!
Post # 9
@sbruin99: Oh man, this totally blows. I feel your pain!
DH and I both wanted a small ish wedding. We just wanted a fun party with our friends and family. We were naive enough to think that everyone would just be respectful of our choices. Oops. We ran into very similar issues with his family in that his mother cried and whined very frequently when she didn’t get her way. Then she would go out of her way to do things for us to use as leverage when things didn’t go her way.
It was ridiculously stressful. We both had trouble sleeping, my husband was literally throwing up and shaking from the stress. We couldn’t wait for the whole mess to be over with. We tried to go on with the attitude that we can’t let other ruin the day we’re looking forward to, but it was really hard to think that way after a while. And unfortunately, we both regret having gone through with the wedding. We did have a fun day, but it wasn’t worth the emotional toll it took.
Everyone will tell you that you will never please all the guests. And you won’t. You’ll drive yourself nuts trying. But at the same time, it’s very frustrating trying to stand your ground while being criticized.
You and your fiance will have to really decide what you both want and what stress you are willing to put up with. Can you live with complaints and criticisms during the process? Don’t cancel if it’s something that you are both looking forward to. But if you’re just going along trying to please everyone else, you may wind up not liking the result either.
Post # 10
My heart breaks for you because I understand boew you feel. I am planning a wedding for our families. If I could have it my way we would run away to joshua tree, take maybe 50 people and eat frm taco trucks. I two feel like I don’t have a choice, his mother has five children and he is the baby and no one has kids or is married. My sister has been married twice and both times we were not invited and my dad and sis have good relationship.
But I am lucky in that both our parents are being pretty chill for the most part. I just can’t stand crowds and we are inviting about 220 people eek. I want to vomit when I think about it.
You need to do what is best for you. I would say dont consult her or anyone else anymore. If the still give you flack tell them that you decided maybe it is best if you cancel. See what happens. I normally don’t tell people to use threats but in this case you need to get your sanity back and be happy about the special day you are embarking on with your FI.
Good luck. Make sure to update us. I hope it works out.
Post # 11
@sbruin99: This sucks, and as long as you take the 5K from you mom, she is going to want an input. I say don’t take it, plan for the wedding you can afford, which may be a simple wedding in the mountains and playing cards afterwards, and if your mother and MIL are too big of unsupprotive jerks to come so be it. You don’t need stress to the point wherre you and your FI are both losing weight.
And if and when you do decide not to take the 5k, your mom should stay out of the planning and your MIL. It is not their wedding, they shouldn’t have any say, and quit talking about it. Thier opinion is just that-an opinion and to avoid hearing about it, don’t include them.
Sorry they are being pains. That is absolutely no fun.
Post # 12
@sbruin99: I think you should stand your ground. This is your wedding, not your mother’s. It’s nice of her to give $5000, but that doesn’t mean she gets to run the show. If it was a gift, then she shouldn’t be guilt-tripping out or anything like that….
I don’t think anyone should have to look back at their wedding with regret like that…
If it makes you feel any better, we had a small guest list too; and no, we didn’t invite every single aunt and uncle. We invited the closest and dearest (sorry uncle _____, but I haven’t seen you years and you make no effort to be part of my life, so…).
We didn’t invite every single cousin either – again, just the closest and dearest.
Again, this is your wedding and you shouldn’t be forced to share it with anyone you don’t want to – even uif they are ”family”.
Post # 13
@sbruin99: cancel til you can afford to do it the way you want without anyone’s input
Post # 14
If you have no choice but to accept her money, then i think each of you should write out your vision of what the wedding will be like –and more importantly, why— and sit down and iron out some compromises on both sides. Hearing the ‘why’ along with the ‘what’ will possibly open her eyes– or yours– to some very real possibilities.
for example, I would actually probably side with your mother on the entree choice, as a wedding can be a very long day if you’re hungry, and not increasing the menu selections means a greater chance someone will go hungry, and trust me, after you spend all this time, energy and money, you do not want someone’s first memory of your wedding to be their rumbling stomach.
That is just one detail though and i just wanted to give an example of explaining why you think something is important can go a long way to avoiding conflict.
Post # 15
You would think that your mother would be concerned about her DAUGHTER’S happiness, not her own or every single guest….
All my mom kept saying is ”I can’t believe my baby is getting married!”
She helped us out too, and left every decision to me……… But everyone is diff.
Post # 16
@SarahTee: I can completely relate. I am that person that will give up anything if it means making the people I love happy. Now I am stuck. I just don’t know if I can NOT do what they want us to do. But I feel like it’s now their day and I am just the bad guy wrecking it by wanting something that is more “us” than traditional.
@nightborn: I told my mom last night that the wedding was off because I can not handle all of the fighting. She just pouted and asked what the *bleep* she did this time to piss the me off… it makes me feel like I am being unreasonable and just a bitch ( this was after I said I didn’t think we needed two bottles of wine on each table when we are trying to stick to a budet). Unfortunately I don’t know what kind of wedding I can have for only $5000 (the mountains are stupid expensive) and that is pushing it for the amount we can actually contribute. ( Not sure why my fiance thought we should build a house and get married at the same time, but money is TIGHT). I have thought long and hard about just giving the money back but I don’t think she will stop trying to control everything and even if she can’t have a say she will still tell me I’m doing everything wrong. I think you are right that we might need to take a break from planning (or telling parents anything).
@laceydoilies: I feel like the more I try to please anyone the less I am pleasing everyone, so you difinitely hit the nail on the head saying I can’t please everyone.
Thanks bees. At least it is nice to know I have support here.