Canceling wedding when a parent gets bad news… :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
8677 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m so sorry about your mom. There really isn’t you, or anyone else can say to make this better or easier.

If I were in your shoes, I would cancel the wedding and use the money refunded/saved to fly my fiance and I back home and get married in the living room/back yard/whatever. Having my mom at my wedding would be more important to me than anything else in the world. I wouldn’t care about any other wedding plan other than making sure she was there to see it. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t make it to your wedding if you wait. Best case scenario, you get married there and she makes it past your original wedding date. My mom would say the exact same thing yours does… that’s what moms do. They don’t want to cause worry or make you change your plans just for them. It’s a mom thing.

Again, I am very sorry for your mother’s condition. Be gentle with yourself and do what you feel is right.

Post # 3
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think you should not make any decisions until her appointment.  Wait until you have all of the facts that you can, before you cancel or change anything.  I don’t think she wants you to, so I think you must make an educated decision, not one out of haste. Also, I’m so sorry, that is some seriously shitty news 🙁

DO whatever feels right and what you want to do, once you know more.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  lia22.
Post # 4
689 posts
Busy bee


So sorry. Wait to get some more facts from your parents concerning your mom’s care and prognosis before you make any final decisions. Take care of yourself. 

Post # 5
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

jillano:  I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I can imagine that you are dealing with a LOT of emotions right now. I think you need to give yourself time to process this- you don’t need to decide what to do about the wedding today, or tomorrow- I would put it on the backburner. I think your mom is right, wait until she sees the specialist and see what her options are and then you can make an informed decision. Right now you just don’t have that information yet. It’s so great that your FI is being so supportive!! Sending hugs your way!!

Post # 6
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m so sorry, this is the worst possible thing. I do not recommend waiting before treatment plans are formed, because with this kind of cancer advanced to this stage, you can expect the treatment to be invasive, extensive, and unpleasant for your mom. I feel so bad for you and her. It is so hard to even imagine life without mom.

If I were you, I would call all my vendors NOW and tell them your mom’s prognosis and story. Beg them to cancel and for as full of a refund as possible. Even without a refund, if I were you, I would scrap the Big Sur wedding plan and just swallow the losses.

If you still want a wedding of 50 people, I would start researching venues close to your mom’s house. Because treatment may make her feel so bad that having a backyard BBQ might be a stressful burden on her. But having it nearby at a park or restaurant or something, where someone can drive her there and home quickly if need be, might be better.

A small wedding on 10-15 people could maybe work in a BBQ with everyone’s understanding of the situation, and of course depending on the size of your parent’s house and backyard.

Depending on your mom’s personality, she may have no interest in planning a wedding when she is trying to plan cancer treatment. Or planning a wedding might totally get her mind off her painful and difficult situation. So you should play by ear how involved she will be, and follow her lead.

Words can’t express how bad I feel for you and your mom… this is going to be a hard couple of years for you both. But you at least have this time.

Post # 7
93 posts
Worker bee

I am really sorry to hear about your Mom, as that is a lot to handle in such a short space of time.

I dont think you should make any rash decisions just yet. Wait for her appointment and get a better understanding of her outlook from the specialists. After you have more clarity, really think it through and then make a decision. Dont do anything rash. 

While I understand you had a “dream wedding” that you have always longed for, I am sure that wedding you envisioned also involved your Mom being there. I dont think you should feel horrible for still wanting your dream wedding, but is it possible, to have a wedding that maybe meets some of your vision for a dream wedding that is closer to home? That way you dont have to feel as though you sacrificed your dream, and it will be closer to your mom?

I am sorry I cant offer more advice. 

Post # 8
210 posts
Helper bee

I cried reading this. I have no answer for you as to what you should do—But i want to let you know i will be praying for your mom and you and I want to send you a *hug*

Post # 9
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry to hear about your Mom’s health challenge. Ovarian cancer can be difficult because it is asymptomatic for so long. 

  After she has met with the specialist and made a treatment plan, she will then have a better idea of what would be a good time for a wedding for her to be able to attend, likely post op but pre chemo.

I would go ahead and contact your vendors, let them know what is happening with your Mom’s health, cancel your date and beg for a refund.

If I were in your shoes, I would then arrange for a wedding back home so my Mom could be there.

Post # 10
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

jillano:  Sorry to hear about your mom. Its definitely not going to be an easy road but try to stay positive as much as possible. I personally wouldn’t make any decisions until you know whats going on and what the specialists have to say. Once hearing that, I would than make my decision.

If this were my mom, I would probably end up cancelling my big wedding plans, get married in the back yard so she could witness it if it comes down to being there. Than once she is done treatment and is feeling better, hold the wedding of my dreams. If my mom were to pass away before having the wedding of my dreams, at least she could see me be married. Than I would hold the wedding of my dreams down the road (vow renewal) and she’d be there in spirit. 

Honestly you need to follow your heart and do whats best for you and your family. Good Luck and I really hope everything goes well for your mom! Thinking of you!!

Post # 11
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

jillano:  I’m so sorry, that’s such terrible news! *internet hugs* 

I can only imagine how shocked you must be. Give yourself a little time to process this news and don’t make any decisions just yet. Once you’ve calmed down I’m sure you’ll know what to do. 

What Hyperventilate wrote is all fantastic advice, from the first word to the last and I completely agree with her. I’d also like to add that you don’t need to lose your dream wedding at all! You can get married at home and have a small ceremony and a fun party your mother will be able to enjoy no matter what her health will be like so you’ll always have the memory of her being there when you said “I do”. A wedding is a wonderful and fun thing but in the end, it’s “just a party” that you can always have later. A vow renewal for your 5th anniversary, maybe? You can make that your dream wedding and enjoy it all the more when you don’t have a cloud of sadness hanging over it. 

*more internet hugs*

Post # 12
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

jillano:  I am so very sorry about your mom and you are all in my prayers!

Post # 13
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

I’m so sorry 🙁

& if you have to pay any deposits from now until two weeks from now I would cancel, if not then I’d wait. But if you don’t get good news then I’d just cancel & have an earlier yet nice wedding at home    (Philly) & use the left over to fly out and see her. 

Post # 14
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I know this isn’t quite the same but my mom’s father died in his sleep the morning of her and my dad’s wedding day. They went ahead with the wedding because they had a lot of out of town guests, etc and decided to just do it anyway. It was a miserable day for my mom and my grandmother (and I’m sure it wasn’t so great for my dad either).  That was 39 years ago and my mom still says she regrets not postponing the wedding. My parents are still married and have a wonderful relationship, but my mom just wishes they had waited to have the wedding a different day. Why am I telling you this? Because a wedding is just one day out of your life. Is it an important day that you will remember and cherish forever? Yes, of course. Is it worth missing out on time with your mom that you will never, ever get back? Not a chance.  Like with my parents’ situation, a wedding can be changed, done at a different time, etc and you will still have the same result – being married to the man you love for the rest of your life. It is one day out of your life. 40 years from now you might look back and wish you had your ‘dream’ wedding, but I would be willing to bet my life that you won’t wish for that 1/10th as much as you will wish that you had spent more time with your mom if you give up this opportunity to be with her.   

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Chani.
Post # 15
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

I know you might lose your dream wedding. But I really think you will be filled with regrets if you don’t spend all the time you can with you mum. I also bet a lot of your vendors would be willing to refund you deposits if you tell them what the situation is. That will give you lots of flights back home and might even allow you to take time off work without pay if you can. I’m soo sorry this happened. 

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