- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2016
I told my FI earlier this week that I’m cancelling our wedding. We got engaged in December which was a total surprise to me even though we’d been dating for 5 years and had lived together for basically the whole time (started as roommates). I don’t know why I didn’t expect that we would get engaged but it really didn’t occur to me despite us having conversations every 6 months or so affirming that we both thought we could successfully have a marital relationship and that both of us would eventually want to get to that point. At the time it seemed to be the natural next step and I was confident that with all the happy years in our relationship that we could be successful for many more, so I set a date this August.
My FI is such a good guy and treats me really well. Even after so many years he surprises me with flowers and my favorite foods, talks me up to friends and family, has never looked at another girl or in any way acted like he doesn’t love me unconditionally. He doesn’t raise his voice at me, he’s never acted violently, and he is never aggressive with me, despite what I’m going to write below.
We started dating in our early twenties and he has always had what I would categorize as substance abuse issues. He drinks one to two 22 oz beers every night (down from much, much more when we started dating) and he smokes weed daily. He had addiction issues with pills before we got together but I’ve never seen him behave like he’s using again and I’ve never found pills in the house (I have occasionally looked, especially early on in the relationship). Back in April I found 14 empty wine bottles hidden in the house and when I confronted him he admitted that he’d drank all of them in a two week period and hidden it from me. My radar went up and we discussed it in premarital counseling we were completing. I insisted that he get totally clean off alcohol and weed for two months and then agreed that we could work together to see if moderating his alcohol consumption would work. It would also provide him time to get a medicinal marijuana card (he has chronic neck and back pain and our state is lax about that kind of thing, should have been easy). He was resistant and refused, saying that he had a problem with alcohol and not marijuana but when I gave him the ultimatum that I would leave him if he didn’t do what I asked, he finally agreed to comply.
Flash forward to now. He still doesn’t have his card and has made no effort to get it. I found weed in the house (I own the house without him on the deed). I work in an industry that regulates drug distribution and would lose my license to work if illegal drugs were ever found in my home. I flipped out and told him I’m cancelling the wedding. He’s livid and humiliated that I’m calling it off this close to the date but I feel so relieved because I honestly don’t think it is the right time for us to be considering something as serious as marriage with these unresolved issues. I explained the situation to his parents and they’re being really supportive of me, telling him that I made my expectations clear and that it was a simple thing he failed to do with clear consequences.
Now I’m torn, Bees. In the discussion of marriage in the last several months I repeatedly suggested postponing the wedding to work on things but he wants to get married or break up (classic ultimatium but reversed genders, I guess). I don’t know if he’s going to want to work on his substance abuse issues and stay together or if his humiliation from being rejected for marriage like this will make him walk. I don’t know which thing I think is better as aside from these issues I feel like we have a happy and solid relationship.
Any bees with active or recovering addict partners who can give me advice? I’m particularly interested in hearing from bees who chose to stay and whether it worked out eventually, if they regret it, and if it took decades to get these issues resolved.