Post # 1
I officially cancelled my spring wedding last week. I have been an emotional wreck. I tried talking to my FI over and over about how I felt we weren’t ready just yet. We argued about the kids constantly, and everything else. It had gotten so bad that we literally could not have a conversation without arguing. I kept telling him that it wasn’t normal and I wanted to slow things down. He would not hear of it, he kept saying ” You’re living in a fairy tale. Life isn’t perfect you work through it” But arguing every single day, about everything single thing can’t be normal or healthy. Finally the only way we stopped arguing was when I decided to stop talking. We stopped talking or having sex for months. I KNEW THAT WOULDN”T WORK LONG TERM. But I felt guilty about cancelling the wedding.
I didn’t want to hurt him, so I’d officially decided to draw up a prenup, get married anyway ( so he wouldnt be embarassed or lose our money) and if it didn’t work out we’d just go back our lives. BAD IDEA…one of my girlfriend is going through a divorce and when I saw what she was dealing with, I decided I didn’t want that for myself and after sharing how I felt ( again) with FI I told him I wanted to wait. He refused, so I was forced to call it off myself.
FI was so pissed ( and such an asshole to me) that I literally found a place the next day, moved my things in less than 12 hours. He is now pissed off about the wedding cancellation, and that I moved out so quickly ( he felt I should stay and deal with the emotional destruction I caused). He accused me of being selfish and a quitter. He calls daily to yell at me about how I’ve humilated and embarrassed him, and destroyed his dreams. He tells me how his kid will hate me for tearing the family apart. He acts as though I am not hurting at all.
I am so incredibly sad, depressed and anxious constantly. I wonder if I’ll ever get back to my happy place. I know cancelling was the right thing to do but I’m so overwhelmed with his emotional transferrance and how I feel.
BTW…I felt we weren’t ready because we both had kids, and other blended family issues that despite working on them with a counselor for a year NOTHING was changing. FI refused to implement order, structure or respect, yet he demanded it from me and my kid. I resent his kid, and he resented mine, After a year of therapy we’d made no progress.
I have no idea what happens next..will I be sad forever?
Post # 3
You won’t be sad forever but you will be sad for a while. All heartbreak fades with time but you’re right things sound out of control and the breather or the full breakup was required.
What things center you? help you relax? let you come back in touch with the you inside?
Focus on your kid and you as an individual for a while. Next you’ll probably have to deal with notifications and contacting vendors but don’t do that right away.
Post # 4
You won’t be sad for ever. You have made a very wise choice to end your relationship, but you are grieving for all the things you had been planning for. You were a fiance, and you were going to be a wife. You are grieving for the loss of those plans.
No wonder you are anxious and depressed – he’s calling you daily to verbally abuse you! Can you block his calls on your phone? Or have caller ID and just not pick up when he rings? There is no reason to subject yourself to that abuse. You won’t be able to move forwards as long as he is blaming you for everything.
It seems that you tried everything, including counselling, in order to try to make your relationship work. And sometimes a relationship just won’t work, no matter how much you would like it to.
The smart thing you have done, is to recognise that your relationship was ultimately not going to work, and you were brave enough to end it and to walk away.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s not fair for him to treat you this way. I can’t really offer anything other than a virtual hug and the hope that things will get better for you soon. Do you have a good support system?
Post # 6
No, you will not be sad forever.
You made the right decision, and chose long term happiness over short term happiness.
You knew this was not a relationship that could bring either of you long term fulfillment, and when the dust finally settles and the newness of the breakup wears off, you will feel relieved that you didn’t resign yourself to a life of constant struggle.
If counseling for a year changed nothing, that was confirmation in and of itself.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Macys: You a brave and smart woman. I have been through a divorce and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Take some time to grieve the end of the relationship, then move on.
Post # 8
@Macys: I am so sorry you are going through this. It must of taken great courage to do what you did. I did something very similar to what you did last year the only difference was that I had animals not kids. It was hard for a while. He begged for a second chance (for the millionth time) I stood my ground. Cried some tears. Drank too much cocktails. But it does get easier. I am sure deep down you feel some sort of relief and you can breath a bit more deeper. Not having to come home every day from work and worry about what situation you’re coming home too. Plus I am sure your kid is a lot happier. Rally your friends and family together for support. Go out with your kid and do fun stuff to get his/her mind off of things. You took the hardest first step. You got control of your life and wanted something better for you and your child. From here on out life will be a lot more wonderful.
Post # 9
Thanks Bees.. I’m actually going to be quite sad to leave here. It felt nice being a part of the “future wives” club.
@Pele I enjoy traveling especially to the beach so I’ve been researching a few trips to see where i can go get some R&R.
@BrightSide I could block his calls, but I was trying to be supportive so that he could feel heard. We’re actually still attending the counseling because we were TTC a few months back and we’re having a baby..so we’re stuck parenting together. I didn’t want to coparent with someone negative and angry about how things ended so I was trying to stick around….but its extremely stressful.
@pinkkillersheep I do have a great support system, but it doesn’t really dull the pain inside. Talking about it with them just makes it hurt so much worse. I feel all talked out. I just hurts so much.
@ScubaSiren Yes. It took so much courage, it was hard. It’s still hard. I thought he would at least see that I wanted the marriage much more than the wedding and that I was willing to fight for us by investing more time. He’s been such an asshole that I’m just ready to be done. I wonder is the person that I’m seeing the person he’s truly is, or is he just emotional. I dont like him very much.
Post # 10
As cliche as it may sound, time does heal wounds. Those wounds may leave a small scar, but you will get over it. I had a live-in BF with a son, and I hated that he did not treat mine as his own. His son was pure evil as well. It hurt and was depressing for a while. I eventually ended up meeting my now FI and the ex is nothing but a distant memory… You will be fine!
Post # 11
@Macys: you did the right thing for everyone involved. You are brave and you made a very brave decision that is best for everyone involved in the long run, even though your ex fiance cannot see it right now. You will not be sad forever – it may take time and you will have some very low points, but over time you will see that your happy moments last longer and your sad ones become few and far between, and eventually they will just be little twinges of sadness. It will be ok!
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I think you dodged a bullet, though right now it’s hard to see. From what you wrote, he didn’t treat you right, and the bits about blending your families was the icing on the cake. He should have responded to your concerns TOTALLY differently, but he chose to be unyielding. You saved yourself and your children a lot of future heartache. You just have to deal with the pain right now. TRY not to blame yourself!!! There were two people involved here.
Big hugs!! It will get better.
Post # 13
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles.
However, I have to ask. Why were you trying (and succeeding) to get pregnant with someone you didn’t think you were ready to marry?
Post # 14
I think you made the mature decision. I would cut off phone contact, it’s not helpful or productive. A year from now, you will be so happy at the decision you made.
Post # 15
Sometimes being honest & truthful hurts. Props to for being the grown up and realizing you weren’t ready it takes strength to do that. If you were able to call the wedding off you will be able to get through the pain and sadness
Post # 16
@Macys: Kudos on calling it off, it sounds like you made the right decision. I’m sorry your ex is giving you so much grief, obviously he’s hurt/embarrassed but he needs to remember it can’t be easy for you either.
I’m in a blended family myself so I hear you on that one too. I have three, FI has three. We have all clicked from the get go but there are days where it isn’t so easy but I know it’s right because it isn’t “mine” and “his” to me they’re ours and my FI feels the same way. If y’all went through a year of counseling with little progress you know in your gut you made the right choice. Better before the marriage than after!