Cancelling my destination wedding VENT

posted 3 years ago in Destination Weddings
  • poll: Should we cancel/postpone our wedding, or should we go ahead with our plans?
    Cancel the resort and wedding and hold it at a later date when you can afford the wedding you want : (18 votes)
    42 %
    Take out a loan to afford the wedding as well as the unexpected expenses, go ahead with the wedding : (6 votes)
    14 %
    Go to the resort with your guests anyway, but postpone the wedding until circumstances improve : (5 votes)
    12 %
    Still attend the resort and wedding, but cut expenses like photographer, rings, dress, makeup etc : (14 votes)
    33 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7395 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Your wedding should be the last thing on your mind at the moment. How about getting your mum some help if she needs it?

    At the end of the day a roof over your head and the health of your loved ones is way more important than a wedding.

    Post # 4
    Member
    3010 posts
    Sugar bee

    @lucyduck:  if guests have already bought tickets, I think you need to love forward. I never would advocate a loan but I think you need to do that in this case. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1041 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    Oh my gosh, this sounds absolutely awful, I am so sorry this happened to you! If you are worried that your mother and sister won’t be at your wedding I wouldn’t worry about that. They made that choice. The people who really love you and care about you will be there no matter what. Even if you postpone there is no guarantee that your sister wouldn’t just cancel again, plus you are never going to buy her a plane ticket again regardless. Is there any way that you can get a dress you like, maybe from a consignment shop or a dress that may not have been meant to be a wedding dress, but looks like it (a white prom dress or bridesmaids dress?) The rings you could always do cheap and upgrade later if you want to. You could buy steel bands for a reasonable price. I can completely understand though why you don’t even want to go through with it at this point. Would you be willing to do something now and then something else later, perhaps a “vow renewal” with just he two of you a year down the road with your dream dress photographer, etc. and keep those photos and memories of both? Or do you feel your friends will understand the predicament that you are in?
    If you know that you can pay back the loan and it will help you to get the wedding you want, than by all means do that. I just don’t want to suggest you get into debt if it will only add to your burden.

    Post # 6
    Member
    975 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Do you have any savings to move?

    If you don’t but can get a simple loan or use credit cards and pay it back ASAP …. can you do that?  I’m not a fan of debt but if it’s not much and you can manage it to make your special day… I say do it.

    I also agree in a way you asked these people spend travel and such to your day, if they are all regular travelers and moneyed I’d say it’s not such a big deal (most airlines charge $150-$250 to change reservations with a year to use it whenever).  If you and your FI can possibly afford it and most especially! aren’t having serious problems or such you should see it through.  It’s about you and FI getting married.  Not whatever family causes drama.  However if you truely can’t swing it that’s tough and puts you and anyone who you invited and bought tickets (etc) in a tough place.

    My mom’s a nutcase, love her, but it is what it is… been dealing with it all my life.  If this is new behavior for your mom I HIGHLY recommend trying to get her some help.  Whether it’s “professional” or just getting her to go to the local elderly hang out group or having someone/agency check on her… something needs done.  Sane people don’t bury the property of others with a backhoe!  Thank goodness my mom won’t ride the lawnmower anymore much less anything more complicated!

    Seriously though, DH and I were having our wedding for US.  Sure we invited people, had food and decorations, cake and all.  But in the early days to the end it was “The only things we NEED are you, me, a place, and an officiant”.

    I do hope you get things sorted out and work out what’s best for you.  Regardless of my opinions expressed here, what I say may not be “right” for you and your FI.  And you need to do what’s right for you both, that’s what matters.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    1887 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @lucyduck:  It sounds like you are under a lot of stress regarding a wise array of issues.  Does your university offer free counseling to students?  Many universities and colleges offer free counseling services, and it might be an excellent idea for you to talk to someone.  A good counselor should be able to help you sort out your feelings and identify the best way for you to prioritize addressing your problems.  If I were in your situation, personally, I would not have a wedding at all.  It would be postponed indefinitely, and I’d instead focus on finishing school, the grievance being filed, the audit, and getting mom help.  What I’d do, however, may not be right for you, and that’s why I recommend visiting a counsleor who is experienced in helping people discover what is right for them. Best wishes and God bless you as you sort all of this out.  I am sorry you are having such a tough time. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    9226 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2018

    @j_jaye:  +1 

    OP I think you should postpone the wedding for now, until circumstances improve. If you are concerned about your guests having spent the money on tickets, why not still go to the resort but have it as a holiday with loved ones instead? Just make sure to let them know so they can decide whether they still want to go if the wedding is not happening. If you are sure your mother has a mental illness she needs help. Encourage her to seek help, and be supportive, just like you want her to be supportive of you.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1237 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

    Sounds like you need this get away. Everything you are dealing with you need a break from everyday life. I wouldn’t cancel the wedding. It can be a small intimate wedding with a decent photographer since everyhting is already booked…which means everything is paid for right? You can ask a family member who is already attending to help you get ready as well. Im sure they would feel honored or either get ready with your FI. This is about you and him, not your mom or sister anymore. I am not sure how much it costs to rent in Canada but move asap. Plus if she is mentally ill she should not be responsible for rental properties. Hope everything works out for you.

    Post # 10
    Member
    6812 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    There isn’t an option for what I’d suggest.

    Is the resort and all that already booked? If you already booked and paid for the vacation (or if you can still afford it), I would cancel the wedding and go on the vacation as JUST a vacation.

    I would then postpone everything until I can afford an ELOPEMENT. It will be much cheaper. Get the dress of your dreams, get a photographer for a few hours, get the rings you want (brand new) and go elope somewhere and have your honeymoon immediately after.

    I’m sorry to hear about what’s going on with your family, it sounds like it really sucks, but I would just move on from this situation and elope.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2884 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    i would try to go ahead if at all possible

    as generally flight/hotel packages are non refundable and cant be moved, so postponing the wedding puts your guests on the spot. if you cancelled and went as a vacation and i were a guest, i wouldnt personally come again to a postponed wedding. because holidays and cash are limited

    i honestly think if you did the DW another time itd better be an elopement

    Post # 12
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    If it were me I would #1 get my mom some help because I don’t doubt at all that this is mental illness. I think it would also depend greatly on how much money I had already put down vs. how much you are going to get back. I wonder if you tried to call vendors if they would keep your deposits if you were to simply push the wedding back for a particular date. They would still be making the money. If lots of people have also already purchased tickets- I’d go through with it. Things like a dress seem and are important, but there are options: renting, buying a used gown, trunk shows, borrowing a friends, etc. Rings- no one will know if you have a faux pair without a real diamond. Remember- it isn’t about the “things” but it is about the commitment and love of you and your fiance which no one can spoil. You deserve to be happy so I would advise you and your fiance to make out a list of pros and cons and really follow your heart. Best of luck doll!

    Post # 13
    Member
    2394 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @lucyduck:  

     The one thing that is constant in all of this is the love and support of your fiance.

    And, just because you’ve been let down by your sister and your mother does not mean you should let down your guests. I don’t think it would be fair to tell them that they paid all of that money for nothing, just because your mother and sister are being jerks. 

     

    If you hold the wedding at a later date, your mother will still be mentally unstable and your sister may still cancel on you at the last minute.

     That’s why I voted for going through with the wedding.

    I would not take out a loan. I would go with the $30 wedding dress, get a $10 sterling silver stand-in wedding ring if you have to, and make the most of the day.

    However, if you are comfortable with having a little bit of debt to settle later on, then go ahead with the loan by all means. 

    It does not have to be sad at all… you don’t have to be alone. Ask a couple of your female guests to help you. I’m sure they would be more than happy to stand in for your mom and sister and be there for you. You’ll also be surrounded by the other guests who have already paid money to fly to be at your wedding.

    If you were having problems with your fiance, my answer would be different. But it sounds like you two are very much in love and very much want to get married. 

    I’m sorry your mom and sister have let you down, but remember when one door closes, another opens. Move forward with your wedding. Don’t worry that it isn’t going to be what you originally envisioned. It will still be lovely. Get married and move forward with your life!

    I’m so sorry you are dealing with this right now. Hugs…

     

     

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    11379 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @lucyduck:  where is your dw?  how many people have already purchased tickets?  are the tickets refundable?  this will be a big factor to consider.  if you cancel, your guests that have already purchased tickets will be pretty upset.

    based on what you said, i wouldn’t care if your mom and your sister weren’t there.  why did you sister cancel after you bought her ticket?

    what have you already paid for?  what still needs to be paid for?  i would be inclined to go ahead with the wedding if everything has been booked already.  you can buy titanium wedding rings for $20 and a gorgeous used prom dress for next to nothing.

    when it comes to dw, focus on the friends who are there for you, not the ones that are not.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1987 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I just read through some of your past threads, and I’m a bit confused. In one you said you had initially planned a wedding on your mom’s acreage but decided that she wouldn’t follow through so you changed it to a destination wedding then in another you said you had initially planned a destination wedding and then realized that some of your family members couldn’t afford that so it got changed to having a 200+ person wedding at your mom’s place. Here you say your sister is refusing to attend, but then you said in another thread that you were uninviting her anyway? I guess I’m just confused. In any event, there seems to be a lot of drama going on in your life right now. In a past thread, you said you and your mother were no longer speaking because of a non-wedding related argument. Maybe that’s why she threw away your stuff? I don’t know. But the bigger concern is that there is so much going on in your life right now that it seems like postponing would be a good idea. I would honestly just cancel. Any one of these things would be a huge deal to focus on without the wedding looming: your mom’s behavior; problems with your sister; and the misconduct claim–these are all pretty serious things. I would hold off on the wedding until you are in a better place. 🙂

     

    (Also, I just wanted to point out that I also saw you were trying to sell your wedding dress a few months ago. If it’s stained as bad as you say, you should probably just chalk it up to a total loss. Maybe your sister might reimburse you since her smoking damaged it?)

    Post # 16
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    omg.  I only skimmed, but that’s some bull.  WOW. I thought my family could be difficult.  I would elope, somewhere cheap (think public park) and have a BBQ with the people who you care about and who are not currently causing you stress.  And regarding the mental illness aspect, I can see that being a good possiblity worth considering.  I would say if this is something that you think is treatable (and that your mother would be receptive to treatment) that you could hold off until you can have your whole family be part of your big day.  As far as the loss for what you already have booked and deposits down, I would resell what you can.  Regardless of what the final result is (elopement or wedding with your family), you need the cash!

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