Post # 1
Fi and I have been super stressed due to moving and financial reasons. The $ for our wedding has been delayed (coming from a business transaction of mine) and we can’t put down deposits or finalize the plans. Even if the money comes later this month, that only leaves us a few months to get everything together and we have no officiant, no photog, no RD site. Also, everytime we speak to his Dad and Step-Mom, we dread their arrival here a lttle more. We see a bit of a train wreck possible at the reception with his Dad’s drinking and boisterous personality.
To be truthful, I never wanted a wedding to begin with, but my attitude is, if we’re going to do it, it’s going to be done right. We had decided on Sedona, which is expensive and even with cutting a few corners, the budget looks like $15k – $17k, even though we only are expecting 35-40 guests and that does not include the honeymoon. We’ve been talking about cancelling the whole thing and planning an elopement, which is what I wanted to begin with. This is my second marriage, his first (we are also older – me 42. FI- 38). Neither of us wants to spend all this money on a wedding. Our ideals have changed a lot in the last year and we want to start a business and get our financial house in order in our new town. We are going to think about it for a couple more days and then decide but it’s looking like we are cancelling. We won’t lose to much in the way of deposits because I negotiated some of them, and others we just hadn’t found a vendor yet. It totals around $795. I will still wear my dress when we do marry, so no $ lost there.
How should we go about announcing this? What should we expect as far as reactions from friends and family? I would love to hear from other bees who’ve been through this. I know his Mom will be super disappointed. Neither of us cares too much what his Dad thinks as he is kind of emotionally retarded and just not “there” for us. (talks, doesn’t listen). My parents would be relieved at not having to go through the pomp and circumstance of the wedding thing and that we are saving all that money. I don’t think any of our friends have made reservations yet or anything.
Any advice or words of wisdom?
Post # 3
i have been where you are and its all good! (hugs)
what we did was we send out “message in a bottle” themed annoucements. we had bottles and inside was some sand and a few shells and a scroll of paper that said we had eloped to a wonderful tropical island to be married and we thanked our parents for their love and support. we also said we would be having a big family party in a few months time and we did this and it was much more relaxed (and cheaper) than hosting a wedding.
reaction from 99% of the people has been wow, great, wish we did that. the only negative was hubbys greek mother who said “i never saw my oldest son get married”, truely thats the only negative we’ve had and once we had our party she was happy because she got to introduce me the entire family finally. in fact one of his cousins has copied it with a wedding in fiji with his canadian bride (we’re aussies)
for us, once we made the decision to quit the wedding planning and eloope to be married we were much happier and relaxed – its not for everyone but im so glad we did it
Post # 4
((HUGS)) can you perhaps include his mom and your close family and friends? i honestly definitely think that it’s wise to save money at any time or any way that you can. is there some historic bed and breakfast close by that you can get married at or some swanky spa? your friends may be disappointed or they may be relieved because they don’t have to figure out where the money they would have to spend for accomodations etc is coming from. i think it’s definitely okay and perhaps you could have a great housewarming party or bbq at home or even a swanky dinner party (can you tell that i think you’re swanky and sophisticated :P)
Post # 5
Wow I’m so sad @arizonabride, you’re one of the only active Phoenix/Sedona brides and I am sad too. Personally I think what @eloping suggested was perfect- it’s classy and mindful that people do need to be informed.
On a personal note, you still better come to a Phoenix Bee Meet Up (if one works out) because trading notes with you was one of my first experiences on weddingbee and I absolutely loved all your suggestions. I’m glad you still get to wear your gown!
Post # 6
Thanks for all the words of encouragement!
@eloping- That sounds awesome. It’s so nice to hear it works out for someone! We won’t be able to do our elopement right away and will have to announce our cancelling of the wedding first, to make sure no one books flights, hotel, etc.
@cre- Thank you! I was looking forward to your response! We will for sure be doing something “swank & sophisticated” by means of an island elopment or Paris or something similar! His parents would love to throw us a party back in Maine and invite all their friends, since that’s what they really want (his Dad anyway – to show off!- even though they have never offered to contribute, other than to buy the champagne!). I also think my MOH and some other fiends will be relieved as this past year has not been a great one for many.
@AZinAugust – Don’t you worry! I would love to share all I’ve learned/experienced in planning a Sedona wedding with other bees and just meet up for fun!
I’m thinking that a personal phone call to everyone on our guestlist would be the most appropriate thing to do, as opposed to an email or something. That doesn’t seem right. I’m deliorious right now from moving, so please correct me if I’m wrong.
Post # 7
arizonabride, I don’t have any advice really but I did want to say that you are one of my favorite people on weddingbee. you have been so much help to me and I really thank you for all of your support.
i thought that eloping and crebre (two other favorites) gave great advice.
So I don’t have advice but I can so relate. Honestly, we really can’t cancel our wedding as we are flying in my partners family from New Zealand and they are super excited to come, but if it weren’t for them we might be canceling as well. I don’t feel right spending the money in times like these. Many of our friends have lost their jobs and I think as crebre suggested, people might be wondering where the money is going to come from.
Like you I never wanted a wedding. And like you, if I was doing it, I was also going to do it the way I thought was right. Same small guest list, same budget pretty much. And you know what? I’m honestly worried virtually no one will be able to afford to come. We chose Vegas b/c its not expensive, but even so, the economy is so awful right now and people are struggling.
Have you btw read cheerful’s posts about her elopment?
Please let me know if there’s anything I can do help you.
Post # 8
Ohh la la paris, oui oui!! bellenga posted this a while back, but i think it’s a definite for inspiration for you http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/real-weddings-genesis-kevins-petite-wedding-in-paris/
and in maine omg what a great thing would it be to have a clam bake for your maine get together? your dress is versatile enough that it would look amazing in both places.
Post # 9
I’m gonna go out on a limb here & say it:
Dude, I think it’s AWESOME! I wish I had the ba//$ to do it myself! I really do. I think it’s an amazing idea. When I was BSing with a friend (who eloped & then had a 1yr anniv party in lieu of a wedding. It was a non-reception reception), I commented how smart she was and we should do the same. Her response was “Do it! Our wedding cost $40 bucks for the license.”
I love eloping’s idea of sending something cool to your guestlist. My other suggestion would be to maybe check out an all inclusive somewhere & have destination wedding with only close friends & family? I’m sure you can find some awesome place where all you’d have to pay for is flowers and dinner for about 8-10 people? Good luck! We’re all here to help out.
Edit: I just checked out my google reader & found this on Miss Pug’s Pawfect Wedding – I know the author is a WB member but I don’t remember her name on the boards (I think it’s kjpugs but I can’t remember – sorry chicky if it is you) – regardless, it’s a great idea!!
Post # 10
Thank you so much, bees! When I think about cancelling, all I feel is relief, but I worry about the FI’s family and the backlash. I worked so hard for his money that’s coming and to think of spending so much on a wedding just never has sat right with me.
@Wildstyle – I am so touched that I am one of your favs! I’m so glad that I was able to help you. Your words have helped a lot:) I also wonder how many of our guestlist can really afford to make the trip. I don’t want to put a financial strain on anyone.
@cre- That blog post about the Paris elopement is what really stirred my pot about not having a wedding! We could have a great elopment for just the cost of the honeymoon alone. I think we’re more the scuba-diving, kayaking, beachy type. But, we’ll see. Paris makes my heart sing!
@Dancy – I’ve thought the very same thing when I see other’s post about eloping! As far as including others – My first wedding was at an all-inclusive Caribbean resort with family & firends, so I feel like I can’t do that again.
Post # 11
That is a sticky situation! Go with your heart- it sounds like your heart is not in it to through a huge ceremony or party, so don’t! Maybe look into a bed and breakfast or nature cabins to see if they do elopement packages? I am guessing in Arizona there are probably quite a few? I know I have looked into cabins in a nature area here, and it is $300 for the couple to get married with an officient, and for pictures, and a honeymoon evening in a delux cabin. $300 is definately much better than 15k… and it sounds like you have better use for that money any how! Good luck!
Post # 12
This is great – we’re both thinking of eloping! I know it’s an odd reaction but I am happy to hear I’m not alone, and eloping really does relieve soooooooooooo much stress!
It is also my 2nd marriage, my Fi’s first. He’s the middle child, the eldest boy and really close to his family. I’m a little worried to see how the FIL will take it but the Fi says they are more lax about wedding plans here (Sweden), that people are free to do as they please … but we’ll see.
I just told my Mom we’re thinking of eloping and she took it pretty well. I was originally planning to surprise everyone but it would be impossible to do unless we pushed our wedding day months in advance and gave them the news before they had time to make any plans.
I say save the money and do what makes the both of you happy! In the end, this is YOUR day.
I love, love, LOVE eloping’s “message in a bottle” announcement! We’re thinking of sending a simple card with our wedding picture that shows more of the background on a magnet to announce we got married, if we feel creative, we might attempt to make a wedding CD of our pictures. But most of my friends know already, so it won’t be a surprise.
It’s a tough decision but if it’s right for you, then a congratulations is in order!
Post # 13
Kudos for thinking about what you guys really want btw. I’d do lovely announcements, call it a day, and move forward. It sounds like if you spend the money, you may end up regretting it later. Particularly since youa re both very open to the idea!
Post # 14
We did the same thing. TWO months before the wedding. And we are iN MO and had family flying in from WY but all the things we went thruu (death, robbery, cancer) we just couldn’t do it. We are still picking up pieces, and haven’t made concrete plans, but everyone that was invited knew of all the BS we’d been thru and were all VERY understanding. Good call on that, I know it’s not easy. Feel free to private message me at any time as this is my 2nd wedding and my FI’s first too, so I feel you on many levels..
Post # 15
Good luck to you, whether you want people to come or not, it will be fine! I thought I was going to have a backlash from his family too. I mostly haven’t, everyone is excited to come. However, his parents and uncle are still giving us grief for wanting to go to Vegas (and yes even just yesterday- a few days before I book the trip!). But, I tell them they can watch the ceremony online and they don’t have to come, I have no guilt anymore! They’ve had their wedding, this is ours, I’m not compromising for anyone.
We realized last year that unfortunately there was no way we were going to save the amount of money we needed to have a wedding. Even if we did save it, we just didn’t want to spend the money on one day. We wanted a house and that was most important to us. So we did that this past August and we’re going to Vegas this May.