Post # 1
So this wedding planning business is nothing I thought it would be. Let me say that I never dreamed about my wedding or having a big wedding. I wanted a small wedding but my mom guilted me into having a big one. Funny thing now is…she just told me last weekend that she doesn’t think FI is good enough for me and does not want me to get married anymore.
So, I cried everytime I talked about it…just upset that my mom would say such an unnecessary thing but I guess I should have known when she did not show up to my engagement dinner or to go dress shopping with me. I ended up telling her over the weekend to keep the $3000 she was going to give me because I could not in good conscience accept it anymore. Plus, her and my stepdad are notorious for doing a good deed just to hold it over your head.
Now, I thought this wedding would be doable financially until I told my mom to keep her money. Might have been a stupid move but I think it’s making me rethink what I really want. I feel like I have lost sight on what all this is really about!
And I am thinking about cancelling the wedding I have currently been planning and starting over the way I wanted to do it. 100 guests to probably 20. Just simple.
So…Right now I have a $1700 deposit that my FMIL put down on the venue that is non refundable, around $800 deposit for catering and $378 for my cake. My aunt also bought my dress (which I will wear no matter how we end up getting married).
I really just want to pay off my FMIL and wait a little while to get married. I feel in no rush right now. I’d rather wait a year or two more then end up $5000 or more in debt!
Backing out now just makes more sense then continuing.
Am i being rational? Has anyone else ever just stopped planning halfway through and started over?
Post # 3
What does your fiance think about this?
Post # 4
@vchilders126: Yes i’ve been there, originally i was going to have around 100 guests but then decided that I just can’t afford to spend all that money on a bunch of people that I haven’t even talked to in years, and that what was really important was the ceremony between us, so now we are having like 26 guests super small and I couldnt be happier, it gives us much more room to organize details and not worry about losing a fortune
Post # 5
My fiance is very hesitant to cancel anything but I handle everything financially so I don’t think he understands how much this will really impact us. He is just so ready to get married..and I understand that because I feel the same. But I know what it is like to drown in debt and I dont want to start our marriage off that way.
And I also think, if we are together then what does it matter when we get married? I would happily do a courthouse wedding and then have a party later down the line for may be our one year anniversary when we may be in a better place financially.
Post # 6
If you have nonrefundable deposits, I’d go through with it. That’s a lot of money to throw away.
However, does your mother have a reason to think what she does about your fiance? Does she see something you don’t?
Post # 7
@vchilders126: I think you really need to have this discussion with your FI.
If it were me, I would keep the venue & the caterer and make it work for a smaller group. Your wedding is in December, so I assume your invitations haven’t gone out yet. Does the venue have a smaller room you can use? Can you schedule it for fewer hours? Will your caterer allow you to have better food for fewer people at a lower rate? You have options.
Post # 8
Her whole reasoning was that he isn’t enough for me and I will always be stuck where I am at. Which I don’t ever remember voicing a want or need to leave! And that she wants me to stay single for a while.
But she has honestly had some very bad relationships (that she seems to enjoy staying in) and has never been happy…so I think she is just jealous. She had me when she was 16 and I think she gets angry seeing the life I have (which isn’t that great but i’ve had more opportunities than her) and remembering the life she had at my age.
I just thought this would be a happy time in my life and she is single handedly making it miserable. Who doesn’t want their mom to be there for them? She didn’t start acting this crazy until we got engaged.
Post # 9
We were planning a wedding for 100 as well. I was the same as you, I never really thought too much about my dream wedding growing up. Then we moved across the country & I don’t see my parents but once a year maybe. That was the only time I wanted the big wedding but it was really only so I could spend time with everyone at the same place. Once I realized how expensive and crazy that was making us we decided to just elope with our 4 witnesses. We were lucky in that most all of our deposits were refundable so we were out less than $1G after cancelling, including our engagement pics, so it wasn’t a hit financially really.
We are getting married on the beach in Mexico in July with my FI’s brother & wife and my brother & gf and we are over the moon happy with our decision. We had some bumps along the way with his family not being happy with our decision but they got over it eventually- after we discovered it was underlying issues 100% unrelated to the wedding. Our wedding moon is costing us less than half what we would have paid for a day for 100 ppl so I like to think we made both a frugal and practical decision. literally, everyone that is marrried that we have spoken to about it said they wish they would have done that rather than pay for 100ppl to stuff their faces & get wasted for one night.
Post # 10
@vchilders126: It sounds similar to my situation with FMIL…. I bet her issues have nothing to do with your FI or even you really. They’re her issues/insecurities she made up in her head totally unrelated to reality. The best you can do is try to stay calm, explain your reasoning, and tell her it;s not up for conversation under any circumstance. If she starts to talk about it or get negative again, ask her to remember what you said last time & hang up or walk out.
Weddings have a way of making the crazy come out of seemingly normal people. It’s not you or your FI or your wedding, really it’s all pretend in their head and they are using the wedding as an excuse to let the crazy flag fly….
Post # 11
Etiquette Snob here… lol
Of course you can go back to the Drawing Board…
How easy that will be depends solely on where you are in the process…
I take it the Invites have not been sent out yet… so that will make it all the easier.
(No Recalls Required… altho there is an Etiquette Process for that if you had to do it)
So it will come down to actually deciding WHAT KIND of Wedding do you want to have AND WHEN
A heart-to-heart conversation that you’ll need to have sooner rather than later with your Fiance
Once you know WHEN and WHAT KIND OF WEDDING (style) then you’ll be back on track.
Hope this helps,
PS… If you have more etiquette questions about specifics… post again, or drop me a PM (personal message) here on WBee
Post # 12
So, over $2,800? In my personal situation, there is no way I would let that money go down the drain. I would try to get someone to take over my reservations (maybe offer them at a percentage off what a normal person would have to pay). Or just go through with the wedding.
But, listening to other people rather than yourself is what caused this situation in the first place. Maybe just take some time to relax and think alone. Then, do whatever makes you happiest. Money be damned 🙂
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
i say keep your deposit and transform into a smaller wedding
i also think you should talk to your fi more, rather than take charge – he may be really excited about marrying u in december
Post # 14
keep your deposits and make it a smaller guest list… instead of having a cake that is over 600 dollars ask the bakery just to do cake for the amount you already paid. dress you said you were gonna wear no matter what– venue- either ask to have it moved to a smaller room so you dont loose your money. if they dont accomadate for smaller guest list then you can have a awesome room with lots of things- candy buffet, dessert bar, BIG DANCE floor, photo booth area ect
Post # 16
So we cancelled the big day and decided for a smaller one! We only lose around $1400 which is way better then ending up 5k or more in debt. Thanks for all the advice!!!
Post # 17
@vchilders126: if its nonrefundable ur gonna lose more money. I think u should push through